Author: Half and Half

How The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Was The Most Revolutionary Thing That Ever Happened To Planet Earth In The History Of the Universe Ever

Let’s face it, we all could use a distraction from real life from time to time.  I mean, honestly, who has the time to care about the CIA Torture Report or all of the civil unrest is going on within our own country?

The universe needed to be stopped dead in its tracks last night because genetically impossible women were flaunting their abdominals and mile-long legs all over CBS. And I, for one, was glued to the screen because you know what? Life is hard, America is imploding, and I need a goddamn break from my privileged lifestyle.

Last night, gorgeous models showed everyone what was really important last night by redefining fashion, music, and politics all in a nice one-hour package. And here’s a breakdown of just how they did it.

Victoria’s Secret culturally redefined our need for world peace

By having this fashion show groundbreakingly set in London, Victoria’s Secret is making a culturally aware statement that everyone in the universe just needs to hold hands and get along.  Not only are the models all different races, backgrounds, and religions, they’re also the most beautiful people in the world.  The takeaway here is that if the most beautiful women in the world can all pretend to get along without clawing each other’s eyeballs out in the name of healthy competition, then goddamnit, we can do our best to get along with everyone we hate, too.

Look at us! We all get along in the name of fancy underwear!

Look at us! We all get along in the name of fancy underwear world peace!

Victoria’s Secret groundbreakingly redefined the importance of water conservation

Who needs the Environmental Protection Agency when you have fourteen of the most beautiful women subliminally telling the world to conserve energy? Not only is Victoria’s Secret promoting energy efficiency by implementing LED bulbs into their runways, they’re also sending huge EPA flares all over the world by utilizing various plant and animal life in their costumes subsequently showing the world that we must care about nature all the time, even when we are wearing only our underwear. AND WAIT! THERE’S MORE! At the end of the show, the models are giving a big, well, toned, middle finger to all those water wasters out there, because they opted for a balloon shower rather than a real one. What pioneers!

NO WAY, WE WON'T WASTE!

NO WAY, WE WON’T WASTE!

Victoria’s Secret redefined the importance of dramatic hand gestures and winking after a short walk

And you thought the wink was dead! Not anymore! Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for graciously reintroducing the wink into society.  No more winking and blinking to signal if one is okay after a surge of cardio activity, the wink has been pushed to the forefront of kinesthetic communication by signaling that, after a short walk, you’ve completed your required strut and are now signalling to whomever it is that you’re ready to turn around and go back.

Victoria’s Secret generously redefined the idea that anyone can be friends with the popular kids, you just have to sing really well and also already be successful in order to do so

Hey! You! Don’t let anyone tell you that if you’re weird looking can’t be friends with the most popular kids in school.  All you need to do is be an otherwise semi-decent looking person with a platinum selling album (preferably more) and a connection to Taylor Swift, who may or may not be a moonlighting VS model, and you’re in! So if you’re someone like me who wasn’t born with the genetic makeup of the most ideal human beings on the planet, you better start learning a talent that can skyrocket you into the friendship circle of the elite, or else you’re just going to be shit out of luck. Godspeed, mediocre people of the Earth.

The key to being popular is also being extremely, ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

The key to being popular is also being ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

Victoria’s Secret redefined the meaning of “too many cooks in the kitchen”

Case and point, when you have too many people in a concentrated area, one of them is bound to get hit in the face with a pair of 5-foot plastic, feathered wings while they’re trying to do their job.

GET IT OFF ME!

GET IT OFF ME!

Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes

At first one might think that capes only belong on superheroes. But last night, Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes while wearing undergarments.  If anyone thought that bedazzled bras and panties were just too plain for the naked eye, well, you can just jazz it right up with a color coordinating cape.  I was on the fence about what the fashion element of the show was actually about, but after seeing the monumentally aggressive display of capes varying in size and style, I think we can all agree that we stand corrected.

 ***

Did you watch the fashion show? What did you think?

Some Friends Are For Life, Others Are Just For Now.

 

The hardest lesson we have to learn is that we won’t keep all the friendships we collect over the years.

But that also doesn’t make the friendships that fizzled out any less valuable. They may be gone, but they shouldn’t be forgotten.

At one point or another, you had a common bond, a need for each other, a desire to make one another better.  You had the power, the will, and the right stuff that just fit at that time period.

Just like you’ll rarely stay at the same job for your entire career, friends are not necessarily meant to be permanent.  There are stepping stones, building blocks, and guiding lights to get you where you need to be.

The reality – and maybe a cynical reality – is that friendships have battery lives; and while some are chargeable, some aren’t.  You just have to figure out which ones are which.

Lifelong friends are effortless, it’s like they have solar panels or something, they recharge themselves and are built for longevity. But friendships can also be built with a battery life; they’re great for the time being, but at the end of their lifespan, you move on.

But don’t discount them at all.  Because just like I am forever grateful for the solar paneled roof over my head, I’m also eternally stoked that I got to play with a tamagotchi for a year of my pre-pubescent life.

People come in and out of your life for a reason, whatever that is, it’s up to you to decide.  It could be to help heal the wounds of a breakup, get you out of your comfort zone, or introduce you to a new side of the city you’ve never seen before. But just like your tamagotchi when you were a child, after a while, the batteries died and you found yourself surrounded by something newer, and more appropriate for your age and lifestyle.

But don’t ever forget what that tamagotchi helped you accomplish. You may not consult those friends or nurture the relationship anymore, but you damn well better be thankful for the time, effort, and value that it gave to you for the duration of the lifetime.

Because it’s foolish to think that all the people you’ll meet throughout your lifetime will be there until the end.  As you grow up, you learn to keep a select few in your inner circle, and accept that others will come and go as you start a new job, move to a new city, and begin a new life.

You may collect some lifelong friends along the way, there’s no doubt about that, but there will always be a new season, a new hire at the office, and a new space to fill in your life.  So fill it.

We can learn, grow, and change so much just by meeting and getting to know other people.  So while you may not know if the girl or boy sitting next to you is going to be your friend in fifteen years, enjoy your current phase of life with the people who are in it.  If they make it through, great, it not, remember what they taught you. Remember how you grew up. Remember how you changed as a result of being friends with them.

And be thankful for that.

***

What do you think about ‘seasonal’ friendships? Have you ever had any? How have they helped you throughout the years?

The Completely True Story of Christmas

It’s time we start investigating what actually happened on December 25th.

If you don’t know the story of Christmas, you can read about it here. Oh, and welcome to the twenty-first century, by the way, how was living under that rock for the past… forever?

Reflecting on all the things we do to get ready for the holidays, I couldn’t help but realize how most of it is kinda… weird.  It got me thinking about how it all started.  Thus, I present to you:

How Christmas Probably Happened. But Actually Probably Not Really. 

 

Many moons ago, this kid was born. And he was born in like, kinda not a normal way, because he just appeared in this lady, Mary’s belly.  She was married to this really chill dude named Joe, and I guess they had an extra bedroom and no idea what to use it for, so naturally, a baby will solve that problem!

But Baby Jeezy wasn’t an ordinary baby. Because that would be silly.  Seeing as he just kinda picked Mary to be his mom, he can’t possibly be a normal kid, he has to AT LEAST amount to being a moonlighting superhero.

This kid, Jeezy, turned out to be puh-ritty special.  So they decided that his birthday was going to be a holiday, and celebrated worldwide.

Side note: My parents obviously didn’t anticipate my greatness or else there would be a holiday on June 2.  Still working on it.

Joe and Mary decided the best way to commemorate the birth of their phantom son, Jeezy, was to bring plants inside and decorate them. Joe got his favorite axe and hand saw, marched outside and picked the best looking tree on the property, and cut that sucka down.

He brought it inside, stood it up next to the fireplace; proud of his work.  Mary got all concerned that it looked out of place, so she did what anyone else would do with a tree inside their house; she decorated the hell out of it. Even put a star on top to remind herself everyday how good of a job she did.

Sitting on their living room couch amid a roaring fire – Mary, obviously having a wine, Joe, probably chilling out with a nice Budweiser – they agreed to transcribe the Constitution of Christmas AKA Santa’s Laws.

 

1. Every year people have to bring a tree inside and decorate it.

It’s a little known fact that if you cut a tree down and take it out of it’s element you end up with a sad evergreen on your hands.  No one likes sad trees, so by making it look like it was sprayed with the contents of a craft store, even the saddest trees get time to shine.

2.  All gifts must be stored under the tree.

Protect and serve the presents. Protect and serve the people.  It’s the tree’s motto. It’s the tree’s job.

3.  There will be an old man responsible for delivering all the presents.  

He will travel by sleigh.  With not eight, but nine reindeer. One will have a red nose.  ONLY ONE.

4.  His name will be Santa.

He will live in a far away land, working with really, really, short/small people to make toys all year round. He will wear only red.  He will be solely responsible for keeping the color relevant.

5.  He will have a list.

This is the master of all lists.  This list keeps track of the good people and the bad people.  If you’re good, you get toys.  If you’re bad, you get…. coal!  No one likes coal, except miners and barbecues.  So if you’re a miner who barbecues, you may as well start acting like a horrible person on December 26. You’ll be grillin’ steaks for DAYS with all the fire fuel you’ll receive.

6.  Santa will not break and enter. 

Santa doesn’t break the laws.  You can’t have Father Christmas picking front door locks, or breaking living room windows.  That’s risky stuff. Bad Christmas PR.  By process of elimination, the chimney is the only other way in, so, sorry bro.  Hope your suit is fire-proof.

Christmas is also the one day of the year where it would not be weird to wake up in the middle of the night and find an old man dressed in a red bathrobe/sweatsuit come out of your chimney and start arranging presents under a tree in your living room.

7.  His reindeer eat carrots. He eats cookies. 

Automatic coal delivery to people who forget the milk.  Same with people who give store bought cookies.  Santa’s bionic nose knows a processed chocolate chip from a home made delight. And he doesn’t reward procrastination.

8. There will be sweaters.  They will be ugly.

What better way to say, “Happy Birthday!” than with a knit sweater picturing an overweight man in a red suit riding on a sleigh with flying deer? The short and long answer is: There is not a better way to say Happy Birthday than with a knit sweater picturing an overweight man in a red suit riding on a sleigh with flying deer. Period.

They sat back, happy with their creation, and passed down the tradition at each family gathering, and it has become Christmas as we know it.

***

What are your favorite holiday traditions?

What Does Your Favorite Girl Scout Cookie Say About You?

Today is monumental – I’m talking like “putting a man on the moon, civil rights, and end of the prohibition” caliber monumental. Today, the Girl Scouts of America have decided to join the rest of the universe in the twenty-first century and allow their precious cookies to be sold ONLINE.

Yup. Big time stuff right here. Tagalongs will literally be able to tag along with your wherever you go, because you won’t need to ration those boxes for two months.

I’m going to put my degree in English to relevant use right now and make psychological judgments about personality types based on your cookie preference.  Choose wisely.

Please Note: I’m only doing the original flavors, because honestly, if you prefer a cookie named, “Thanks-A-Lot” over a Thin Mint, you deserved to be slapped and are probably eight years old and haven’t experienced nearly enough of what the world has to offer.

Go travel outside your hometown for like ten minutes, eat a Tagalong, and come back to me, bucko.

What does your favorite Girl Scout Cookie say about you?

 

Samoas: To be honest, you’re most likely pretty greedy and hard to please.  If you’re someone who wants a myriad of toppings on one cookie, you’re also probably someone who has fourteen of the same red sweater and justifies the purchase because one has smaller stripes than the others. It’s not all bad though, you’re eccentric, eclectic and see the big picture.  You’re someone who can take a bunch of random things and make something great.  You probably dress a little weird and might have people questioning if you are wearing hand-me-downs from the 70’s or just “chose to look like that.” But you’re a risk taker, where others will falter and are scared of a challenge, you’re not afraid to step up and take on something as weird as the pleasantly surprising, diabolical combination of caramel covered crackers and coconuts.

Thin Mints: You’re consistent. People know what to expect with you. and either fortunately or unfortunately, their perception won’t ever change. You will always be the party girl or the nerd, because that’s your reputation, and frankly, you always live up to it. You may be welcome at all holiday occasions, but only a select few know your true worth and value after you’ve spent some time in a freezer. (If you didn’t get that hint, thin mints taste great frozen, I’m not in any way suggesting you should freeze yourself in order for people to like you.) Oh, and you probably own a pantsuit and look forward to the occasion where you get to actually wear it.

Trefoils: You’re probably a dog or a grandparent. No one likes shortbread unless you’re over 60 or walk on four legs.

Do-Si-Dos: You know what works and you stick to it, you rarely deviate from your comfort zone.  You enjoy the simpler things in life, like peanut butter and oats, but don’t look down on people who get a little crazier. You prefer to be around others rather than being alone, which is why you prefer two cookies instead of just one, and you feed off other people’s energy.  You’re a people pleaser, and would do anything for those you love. Your wardrobe probably consists of a lot of solid colors (mostly earth tones) because you don’t usually like to stand out from the crowd, but do enjoy the spotlight from time to time.

Tagalongs: There is never a dull moment with you.  Once someone thinks they have you figured out, you go and surprise them by having your insides stuffed with peanut butter. You’re the life of the party, everyone wants you to join in on the fun.  You’re sometimes unpredictable, and that can be bad, because your friends really never know how you’re going to act, and may have to give you lectures before fancy events or parties like being on your best behavior at your best friend’s wedding.  You weren’t going to drink that much anyway, but it’s nice to know how your friends feel.

Which cookie is your favorite?  Are you going to be buying them this year? Do you think it’s a good or bad idea for them to sell online?

I Don’t Think It Could Be Any More Clear That Jennifer Lopez Is A Vampire

Hi. Um, yes. I’ll have infinity amounts of whatever Jennifer Lopez is having.

jennifer-lopez-1998

These pictures are difinitive proof that vampires exist and Jennifer Lopez is a fang away from being Queen of the Latin Daywalkers.

I mean, holy damn. Does this woman age? Like ever? The progression from twenty-four to twenty-five put at least three wrinkles on my face. Meanwhile Lady Lopez is over here flaunting her pristine body for the whole world to see for twenty years NON-STOP.

If this is what forty-five looks like, I’ll sign my name on the dotted line and skip my thirties in a heartbeat. I need abs, I need a nice butt, I need that face. GIMME.

Not to mention her face hasn’t seen a wrinkle since she was born, but I mean, holy shit, give women around the world a break.  Don’t vampires have to go to sleep during the day? How is she walking among us? Where is her maker?

I NEED ANSWERS.

If you, or anyone you know, has insight or information on how I can be reborn as a latin woman, please let me know. I need these genes. The latin community is just birthing dynamos and I’m sitting here wondering what I need to do to change my face and body and life to become 3% Latina.

In honor of my monumental discovery of JLo being a vampire, here is a list of some other people that I think may be in the vamp cahoots waiting to be exposed.

Jennifer Aniston She’s timeless, she’s likeable, she’s entrancing.  All three qualities of a well bred vampire. Stay away.

Kate Beckinsale: Genetically impossible. Just like vampires.

George Clooney and Richard Gere: Both have had silver hair and the same face since 1990 and no one has questioned it. Until now.

Halle Berry: No one looks that good in a bikini for that long unless you suck people’s blood for food.

Sofia Vergara: Colombian vampires are almost as lethal as whatever JLo’s ancestry is. Just breeding ageless humans since the beginning of time.

Gabrielle Union: She has the face of a 20-year-old and could still feasibly star in Bring It On 2 without it being wierd. Kirsten Dunst, not so much.

John Stamos: Uncle Jesse. HELLO.

On the other hand, I can assure you MaCaulay Culkin is not a vampire because look at his face:

macaulay-culkin-then-and-no

Yup, definitely a human. Age on, Richie Rich!

Do you know any celebrities that might be a vampire?

 

Sweet Potato Fries Are Ruining My Relationship

If there’s one way to lose a man’s trust, it’s to be completely full of shit when you rate meals on a 1-10 scale. They take food very seriously.

I irresponsibly rated sweet potato fries an 8/10 on my first date with my boyfriend and it became a permanent stain on our relationship.  He claims he can’t trust me, that he doesn’t really know who I am or what I’m thinking.

I should have just gone with the onion rings.

What I learned from falsely embellishing the deliciousness of my side dish is that there are certain things you need to ask on the first date to make sure if this is someone you can be with long term.  I mistakenly judged the importance of food ratings and I have not been able to live it down since.

In order for you to avoid being plagued with ridicule when it comes to food for the remainder of your relationship and inevitably creating a rocky and unstable trust between you and your partner, I’ve compiled a list of questions you MUST ask on the first date to avoid irreparable damage later on.

Here are the questions you NEED to ask on a first date to determine if this is someone you can be with for a long time:

 

What kind of sports fan are you? For the most part, this question applies to the male species, but I’ll include those diehard females who rep it hard in the sports department. Knowing what kind of sports fan your partner is will be crucial for the rest of your relationship. Most men like a sport for each of the seasons, so you’re going to need to know if he’s going to lock you out of your apartment or rip a couch cushion if Dwyane Wade doesn’t hit 3 points or that guy in the NFL doesn’t get 1824396 carries and 2734061 yards in a random game that doesn’t really matter (It totally matters though, somehow).

What is your position on Christmas music? If you are one of those girls who starts playing Christmas music on December 26th to prepare for the next holiday season, you’re going to need to let your partner know that ahead of time.  Even if you’re a semi-normal human being who starts playing tasteful holiday tunes after Thanksgiving, you should respect the other person’s ears enough to let them know they should invest in earplugs for the next month and a half.

What do you rate Jennifer Aniston on a scale of 1-10?  This question can be tweaked based on the celebrity of your choosing, but Jenny Anz is a pretty well known celebrity that both men and women like. Once you’ve asked the question and both given answers, if your number differentiate by more than 2 points on a 1-10 scale, you may be in disagreement with what the 1-10 scale is.  This is not okay and will set a precedent for the future of rating questions.  You must find an agreeable medium and set forth a list of qualifications pertaining to each number on the scale. This is the only way you will be able to take each other’s opinions seriously when you ask questions like, “On a scale of 1-10 how good are these sweet potato fries?”

Are you able to commit to tacky/trendy/seasonal activities knowing full well it will interrupt your weekend/sports/day off plans? This applies mainly to women, but maybe some instances men will get the seasonal feels and want to go skate on a pond or chop down a tree for good measure.  If you’re not ready to commit to losing a couple hours on a Sunday to grab some apples off a tree or carve a smiley face on an orange gourd, you should just throw in the towel right now.

What are your thoughts on animals? Listen, I get it, some people don’t like animals. Whether it be an allergy, a bad experience, or just not being human, you need to find out if your lifelong dream of owning a farm of Great Danes is never going to come to fruition because you’re getting involved with the future bane of your existence.

Which side of the bed do you sleep on? There is nothing worse than having your first adult sleepover and both jumping in on the left side. Not only will it create an awkward rift when you lose because your boyfriend outweighs you by 100 lbs, it will most likely not work because sleeping is real life and you need that more than you need love. #HarshReality

Obviously, I encourage you to ask those awkward questions about wanting a family, politics, and religion, but if you want to get to the stuff that actually matters, take my advice.

Or don’t. I steered my boyfriend wrong when I rated the sweet potato fries, so I could be making things up entirely out of thin air.

What are the important questions you ask on a first date?

College Confessions: I Was Too Busy Watching Heavyweights Alone In My Dorm Room To Find A Boyfriend

One of my most embarrassing memorable nights in college was when I was alone on a Saturday night eating kettle corn and watching Heavyweights on my top bunk. After it was over, I was too lazy to get down to put it on my desk, so I gently dropped it onto my roommates bunk below, but missed and it shattered on the floor.

So no, I did not have a boyfriend in college.

The idea of finding your significant other in college is a nice thought. The reality of it is that you can’t just get a boyfriend or girlfriend. There are no stores that sell them.  If it was that easy, I’d be married to Charlie Hunnam right now.

As much as movies, television shows and romantic novels make it seem like love just falls out of the sky and hits you in the face with a football on a fall day, where you take one look at the culprit and you’re immediately bonded and connected over the embarrassment of it all, it’s simply not the case.  Finding a significant other takes time, effort, and frankly, money.  If you’re not willing to shell out those three things, it is going to be a long road.

I’m not saying that an initial attraction and a spontaneous injury is unlikely.  But I am.  Those stories are one in a million.  If you happen to be one of those pretty girls  perfectly dressed walking to class and that beautiful guy catches you as you clumsily fall, I’m happy for you, you’re a living, breathing fairy tale.

But for many people navigating through college, finding a significant other on top of studying, passing classes, maintaining a social life, and figuring out how to deal with college loans, unfortunately falls to the back of the line when it comes to priorities.

Not to be offensive, but if finding a significant other in college is your priority, you may want to rethink the idea of wasting thousands of dollars a year to find love when you can just pay a monthly fee at Match.com.  There are plenty of cheaper alternatives for finding a date than tuition that costs an arm and a leg.  You’ll be paying off your loans until you’re at least thirty, and that guy or girl you skipped so many classes to hang out with, well they may or may not be along for that financially depressing ride.

Again, this is not saying that finding your perfect mate with a common interest in political sociology at 8am isn’t real life, but passing that class and graduating on time may actually get you a job at a law firm, and think about the pool of applicants you’ll have to choose from then.

For a lot of people in college, getting through a string of ridiculously difficult classes in an extremely demanding major is a priority. And rightfully so. You should never, ever feel bad for focusing on a career instead of a boyfriend. Personal growth and happiness far outweighs the benefits of having someone to go to a dance with, although that is severely underrated when you don’t have someone to go to a dance with.

But for reals, use these four formative years to work on yourself and figure out what YOU want to do.

College is an amalgam of human beings with diverse interests – so it’s not unlikely that you’ll find someone you connect with.  Whether or not that person or people end up becoming a romantic involvement is up for debate.  There are plenty of people, myself included, who had a blasty blast in college without dating someone.  Flings and hookups and platonic relationships are all beneficial to personal development.  So if it’s not a full blown serious affair, don’t worry about it, you’ve got the rest of your life to be serious, have fun for once.

The good news about not having it be an official relationship is that you have the excuse of that thing you’re really there for, school.

It’s hard not to compare yourself with others, but know that if it doesn’t happen for you like it does for your friends, you’re not going to die alone.  It all ends up being a timing issue. Those four years that your friend focused on boys allowed you to excel at school and land a badass job that you’ve always wanted.  It allowed you to empower yourself and find out what makes YOU tick.

Plus, late bloomers are totally in because everyone loves a good looking human being with a head on her shoulders who has a job, a degree, and a direction in life.

Don’t worry about what other people are doing.  Don’t worry about graduating and not locking someone down for the rest of your life.  All good things come to those who wait.  Timing is everything.

You never know. You may end up dating the kid you had a crush on in fifth grade fifteen years later. So those four years weren’t a total waste because you were more focused on passing classes instead of passing notes.

Did/Do you have a relationship in college? Did it work out?  What do you miss about college?

I’m Thankful For The Facebook Timeline Feature Because Now I Can Relive My Glory Days With The Click Of A Button.

Everyone!  Let’s give a round of applause for technology and the permanent trail of embarrassment that is the internet!

Just when you think you’ve escaped the metaphorical black hole that was your life in middle and high school, Facebook is here with the Timeline Activity feature that allows you to click a year and see just what you wrote during that specific time period.  Let’s bring back those cringeworthy flirt posts, relive that awkward drunk message you wrote to that kid you don’t even know, and by all means, take a loosky at that time you thought it was a good idea to wear plaid pants and high top sneakers.

I like to put my life on display.  Mostly because I think that if I admit to myself and the world how much of an embarassment to society I was between the ages of my entire life 12-22, maybe I can help others not make the same mistakes.

So, today I am thankful for Facebook.  I am so excited that I get a permanent reminder of how much of a jackass I was when I was sixteen and constantly get to see my blatant disregard for proper capitalization and grammar.  I guess hindsight is twenty/twenty.

Here are some highlights from my Facebook past:

0

Zo zerious, in fact, that I couldn’t even use an ‘S’

1

Halfway convinced that my mother actually wrote this status instead of me.  But then I remember that she can barely work Microsoft Word in 2014, so there’s no way she could have hacked into my Facebook account back in 2006.

2

I never got a humpback whale. WHERE IS MY HUMPBACK WHALE.

3

#FutureEnglishMajor #FutureTeacher

4

Well, there you have it folks, you can finally tell people you know someone who has risen from the dead. I’m pretty sure it sucked when I was dead, but I can assure you, being alive is way more fun.

5

So, I’m not half asian. Not even in the slightest bit. So I don’t think I can regret it, but clearly it was something I felt strongly about this night.

6

Honestly, this is a personal problem and I’m getting it checked out.  I didn’t realize I was so willy nilly about exposing personal struggles via such a public forum, but I guess a lot was going on in life in 2008.

7

Like I said, clearly a lot was going on in my life where I wasn’t concerned about being implicated for the murder of my professor.  Like how shitty of a criminal am I?

Sidenote: I didn’t actually murder my professor, but he’s definitely not here to talk about it anymore.

8

This is a brilliant idea and I don’t know why I haven’t rethought of this.  Probably because I came to the conclusion that bathtubs are generally riddled with the remnants of dirty people, therefor, I realized I was washing my clothes in liquid human filth. #graphic #visuals

9

This is what I was concerned about when I studied abroad.  This is also why I gained twenty-five pounds before I came back.

10

Valid. They were. And I legit never got them back.

Hey! Let’s be social and make bad decisions together, follow me on Facebook, and I’ll do the same for you.  LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

***

Have you ever posted anything on the internet you later regretted?  What’s your best/most embarrassing post?

Countdown to Thanksgiving: A Tribute To America’s Greatest Holiday

Every year on Thanksgiving I promise myself that I will limit my food intake like a civilized human being who practices restraint and self control, and then every year after dinner on Thanksgiving I immediately unbutton my pants and say the words, “Diet tomorrow.”

It could be that I’m just so thankful for food.  But it also could be that I am a gluttonous human being and make a point to eat everything in sight like it’s the last time food will ever enter my body.  I honestly don’t even like cranberry sauce, but the idea of something disappearing without me ever getting a chance to enjoy it is enticing enough every year to make me slap it on my plate and immediately regret it.

Meanwhile, my father sits at the head of table practically bathing in cranberry sauce while wishing he had a third arm to help put all the food into his mouth before he passes out on the couch ten minutes after the meal is over. #FoodComa

But the nature of the holiday at some costs seems to be lost.  While there is an emphasis on spending the time with your loved ones and eating a crap ton of food until you have to put your fat jeans on from college, the purpose of the holiday itself is to be thankful for all we have.  But why do we do that just one day of the year?

In my opinion, holidays are just reminders that we’re all shitty people who are self-involved to the point that we need an actual DAY OFF from our lives to remember that we should be thankful for what we have. When did our society become selfish enough to not appreciate the gifts, the people, and the good in our lives on a daily basis?

If you are one of those superhumans who are innately good and caring and wonderful, I salute you, you’re doing the work of a modern-day saint.  But for the rest of us millennials, we’re all too busy slaving away from 9-5 trying to make enough money to afford our apartments, maintain active social lives, and keep up an appearance that we’re actually adults.

I’ve also been in this weird funk lately where I hate any and everyone, so I’m going to use this mini blog series as a way to combat the innerdemons of an overly privileged white girl from Connecticut.

For the next week, in preparation for Thanksgiving, I will be listing off things I am thankful for; because we should be thankful for things that bless us every day, regardless of how big or small they are.  I cannot promise they will be serious. But I can promise food and wine will be mentioned.

Today, I’m thankful for pajamas.

Much like everyone else who works 9-5 or just a job in general, you have to get dressed in the morning.  And while all of us would like a job that you can wear sweatpants all day, the number of openings for gym teachers are limited because the United States doesn’t seem to think exercise is a necessity for children.

I wake up every day and put my pants on one leg at a time.  And really, I mean that because I actually need to concentrate on just getting that one leg in there and plant it for support so I don’t fall over.  But there is no better feeling than watching the minutes tick down on your work clock so you can remove all the constrictive attire you’re forced to wear all day, envisioning that pair of pajamas blissfully sitting folded and tucked away in your closet or dresser, awaiting your arrival.

And for reals, big boobs or small boobs, all women know what a nuisance it is to have those puppies strapped to your person like a gun holster.  The countdown to bra removal is so real I am doing it right now.  I’m sure men can related to this on some level, but then again, no they can’t because they don’t have boobs.

I salute you, pajamas, for giving my body an outlet free from judgment.  Because no one can really judge attractiveness when it comes to sleepwear.  Personally, I like to greet my bed wearing a XXL Bruce Springsteen tshirt and a pair of my brother’s sweatpants. My roommates take a more adult approach and wear clothing that fits. They’re like all put together and stuff though.

I am thankful that pajamas are my go to outfit from Friday to Sunday and it’s not frowned upon in the slightest if I don’t change out of them and stay horizontal for 36 hours straight.  Sure, showering is like totally encouraged, but if you don’t know one really knows. Shhhhh.

Whatever your night time outfit is, make sure you give it a high five tonight.  Make sure you hug that ratty tshirt you’ve been wearing for six years a little tighter.  Say thanks to the clothes that give you through the strength to get through the workday as well as through the night.

<3

❤

What are you thankful for today?

I Got My Hands On SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog And I’ve Decided It’s The New Bible

You know, if the bible was a airplane magazine that sold you everything you never knew you needed ever in your lifetime.

Listen, we all just want to get through each day without tripping off a sidewalk, spilling food on ourselves, and trying not to relate every conversation back to your obsession with 19 Kids and Counting.

And while I’m masking my inadequacies surrounding social interactions with interjections about my affinity for TLC’s reality television programs, other people are actually just trying to get through the day alive. Especially if you hate your job.  Which, according to almost everyone I’ve talking to – aside from Beyonce who gets to take a year of to just go and “try to get pregnant” with Jay-Z for the next year – everyone pretty much hates their job.

Sorry, I need to go back to that for a moment. Yes, Beyonce is taking a year off from making mazillions (real number, google it) (please don’t) of dollars so that her and Jay-Z can go live in Paris to have secret sex and try and make a second baby. Celebrities have it so tough.

Anyways, while the rest of the population is metaphorically stabbing their eyeballs out while sitting in a cube all day being slaves in corporate purgatory, there are two things that seem to brighten the long days spent inside staring at a computer screen and spinning in your rolly chair.

One of those things is alcohol. The other one of those things, is SkyMall.

I’ve written numerous posts about my obsession with SkyMall, but recently, a coworker let me twiddle my fingers through the pages of their much sought after holiday catalog and I was immediately filled with so much glee I almost spontaneously broke into a solo flash mob in my office. #JaneLynch

Within these pages, there are tons and tons of new items, products, toys, and games that I need in my life.  Obviously, you should all visit their website and buy a shit ton of stuff because it will enrich both your social and love life, but also because SkyMall has all the things you need to make your life a mazillion times better than it is right now.

My Top 5 Must-Haves From SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog

OrbitWheels

OrbitWheels

1. OrbitWheels

People are always pointing out how lazy I am when it comes to doing any sort of physical activity. Mainly because my idea of a workout is getting up to refill my third bowl of Frosted Flakes, but that’s not the point.  These bad boys would allow me to glide all over the world like a certified exercising BOSS.  Not only is Boston not very hilly, the sidewalks are pretty ruthless and cutthroat, which is why these feet wheels would be the ultimate weapon of power when commuting to work. MOVE OVER, LADY.

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

2. Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

As I previously mentioned in one of my most sophisticated posts to date, my boyfriend and I are moving in together.  I’m assuming there will be arguments, mostly because we fight over things like who has more cheese on their burrito or who can get to the fridge faster in order to eat the last Trader Joe’s cupcake.  In order to be the ultimate wit warrior, I’m going to need another woman on my side. And while adding a second, human, lady roommate to our one-bedroom apartment could cause a serious rift, I see no issue with a lady lamp. What I see here is a built in companion ready to defend my idiosyncrasies and ridiculous/crazy/borderline obsessive tendencies to her dumpster grave.

Fyxation Caddy

Fyxation Caddy

3. Fyxation Caddy

I actually don’t even own a bike, but if I can just attach this to my stationary cycle while I’m at spin class, that 45 minutes would go by a hell of a lot faster. I totally wish I would have had this in college, as it would have made my entrance into parties much more exciting for everyone in attendance.  Then I wouldn’t be that weird girl in the corner that no one really knows how she got there. I’d just be that weird girl with her bike beers trying to get everyone drunk enough to forget I actually am the weird girl in the corner, and I see no issue with that.

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Hovertrax

4. Hovertrax

And this may be the best thing the world never knew it needed. The best part about the airport, aside from it being socially acceptable to be drunk at all hours, is that there are people movers. You don’t have to walk and yet you still move.  Well Hovertrax is coming in hot with mobility without movement.  Hungover? Hovertrax home. Hard gym workout? Hovertrax it back. The possibilities are endless.

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Customized Shark Boat

5. Seabreacher Customized Boat

I don’t even know what realm of the universe you’re living on if I have to explain to you the urgency of ownership revolving around this customized sharkboat.  Sure it’s almost $100,000, and I’ll probably have to do some aggressive begging and maybe street walking in order to get it, but hey, you just can’t put a price tag on happiness.  At least that’s what I keep telling my boyfriend when I talk about how affordable Michael Kors watches are during Christmas time. (So affordable, right!?)

What do you have on your holiday lists? Have you started shopping yet?