pop culture

Step Brothers Might Be Getting A Sequel So Here Are 4 More Movies That Should Follow

We’re going to the Catalina Fucking Wine Mixer!

Everyone get out your eyeballs, your most expandable pants and all of the alcohol you can fit into the crevices of your body because Step Brothers may be getting a sequel.

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[Insert comment about The Princess Diaries 3 getting a trilogy and me not mentioning it.]

[Insert rebuttal comment about how Anne Hathaway is my nemesis and I don’t like her face.]

Honestly, I was a bit hesitant to hear that one of my top five movies was getting the reboot treatment. If it’s anything like Ghosts of Sequels Past, it’s not going to be good. I mean, the odds are pretty much stacked against them.

Over here in the graveyard of “What The Fuck, Why Did You Ruin This Classic?” we have Anchorman 2, The Hangover 2/3, 22 Jump Street and an atrocity so horrible, I saved my eyeballs the equivalent to the plight of a thousand sandstorms,  Zoolander 2.

This is like becoming a thing now, though, right? Script writers today are basically just those dudes that leave to try and find a better hookup but come back to the bar at 2:30am and will hit on someone until they agree to go home with you (for the right price of about 30 million dollars, six red wines, and a trailer full of ONLY the green M&Ms).

I know, I know, but this one will be different. It’s 2016 and my new year’s resolution was to be positive. Or at least have better posture. I can’t remember, I’m slouching.

In hopes that Hollywood doesn’t totally screw this one up, here’s a list of four other Will Ferrell movies that could use a (good) reboot.

 

ELF

Need to see Buddy take on the country with the sole plot line being saving Mr. Narwhal from captivity. I like whales and I like them to be free. You go, Mr. Narwhal, you go.

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OLD SCHOOL

The only reason my dedication to ribbon dancing was validated was because of the majestic display of athleticism that Frank the Tank displayed in this movie. Plus, I honestly believe Blue was my boy and I need someone to avenge him.

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WEDDING CRASHERS

I feel like they forgot to mention Rule No. 88 – Make thy sequels whenst they are demanded. And someone give him some goddamn meatloaf for Pete’s sake.

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THE OTHER GUYS

I need this more because of Mark Walhberg and his abdominals, but also because Gator needs his Gat. But not immediately because Eva Mendez is a genetically impossible human that sometimes I just feel bad about myself.

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What movies would you like to see get a sequel?

5 Real Reasons Tom Brady Destroyed His Cell Phone

So, just when you thought this week couldn’t get any more heartbreaking and depressing than Blake Shelton divorcing Miranda Lambert, or Taylor Swift feuding with Nicki Minaj, the world slapped me in the face with a big pile of “STOP LOOKING AT THE INTERNET AND DO YOUR JOB, MEG” with an equally depressing sports scandal.

Let me back up for a moment though.

The biggest sports decision in the history of sports decisions was when LeBron James’ decided to leave Cleveland to go to Miami and win a bunch of titles, but he failed and then decided to return to Cleveland to win a title but then he failed at that, too.

Well, if you thought that was a doozy, what happened today was, like, way bigger.

The news that is burning up the internet streets right now is that Tom Brady’s suspension was upheld and he will not be allowed to play in the first four games of the 2015 NFL season.

Basically, whoever’s job it is to figure out which celebrities smash their phones at inopportune moments to hide evidence is really good at it, because apparently, Mr. Brady is totes guilty of breaking his cellular device in favor of saving our precious eyeballs from seeing some incriminating information.

But, I think we’re all missing the point here. Whether or not Tommy Boy likes his balls a little lighter on the inside is dumb, I think there’s a bigger issue here that we’re all glancing over. And that issue is that Tom Brady doesn’t just smash a phone over deflated balls, he smashes his phone over the mountains of more important stuff kept on that device.

Now, let me clarify that these are all suppositions, I’m sure I’m at least 89% accurate with my assumptions of Tom’s personal affinities, but I do want to go on the record and say that, I’m also most likely 89% incorrect with all of what I’m about to tell you.

PREACH

PREACH

HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT TOM BRADY PROBABLY HAD ON HIS CELL PHONE THAT ULTIMATELY WARRANTED DESTRUCTION:

Man buns:
Remember this? Or this? What about this? Some would say the Tom Brady man bun was the man’s modern day Rachel. He definitely has a trove of pictures documenting that time so can can periodically reminisce about the time he grew his hair out and bothered everyone by unintentionally taking a firm stance against society’s sexist tendencies in associating ponytails and buns with only females by metaphorically screaming, “EFF YOU, WORLD, I’M TOM BRADY, I DO WHAT I WANT.

Embarrassing Google Searches:
Google is your friend, your confidant, your Jesus. If you don’t have a safe place to ask the hard hitting questions like, “Is a pea what is on the inside of a green bean?” or “How do whales sleep?” without judgment or ridicule, then nothing is sacred anymore.
 
Playlists:
If there’s anything the most All-American man in football doesn’t want authorities seeing on his phone it’s that he listened to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” on repeat during his pregame warmup on the night of the Super Bowl.
 
He has an android:
If you won four Super Bowls but you have an android phone, did you actually win four Super Bowls? The answer is no. You did not win four Super Bowls because having an android phone means you’re actually a loser. And losers don’t win Super Bowls. They just don’t.
 
Baby Animals:
Tom Brady is a superior human, he’s legitimately better than everyone at everything. He can’t let the public know that he googles pictures of baby animals on bus rides or screen shots cat memes and sends them to Gisele while he’s on the road. It would blow his whole image.

… and yes, if you couldn’t tell, I’m a Patriots fan and frankly, this whole ordeal IS OUTRAGEOUS AND I’M GOING TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM.

Plausible? Yes. Factual? Probably not. Let me know what you think was on Tommy’s phone in the comments!

How The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Was The Most Revolutionary Thing That Ever Happened To Planet Earth In The History Of the Universe Ever

Let’s face it, we all could use a distraction from real life from time to time.  I mean, honestly, who has the time to care about the CIA Torture Report or all of the civil unrest is going on within our own country?

The universe needed to be stopped dead in its tracks last night because genetically impossible women were flaunting their abdominals and mile-long legs all over CBS. And I, for one, was glued to the screen because you know what? Life is hard, America is imploding, and I need a goddamn break from my privileged lifestyle.

Last night, gorgeous models showed everyone what was really important last night by redefining fashion, music, and politics all in a nice one-hour package. And here’s a breakdown of just how they did it.

Victoria’s Secret culturally redefined our need for world peace

By having this fashion show groundbreakingly set in London, Victoria’s Secret is making a culturally aware statement that everyone in the universe just needs to hold hands and get along.  Not only are the models all different races, backgrounds, and religions, they’re also the most beautiful people in the world.  The takeaway here is that if the most beautiful women in the world can all pretend to get along without clawing each other’s eyeballs out in the name of healthy competition, then goddamnit, we can do our best to get along with everyone we hate, too.

Look at us! We all get along in the name of fancy underwear!

Look at us! We all get along in the name of fancy underwear world peace!

Victoria’s Secret groundbreakingly redefined the importance of water conservation

Who needs the Environmental Protection Agency when you have fourteen of the most beautiful women subliminally telling the world to conserve energy? Not only is Victoria’s Secret promoting energy efficiency by implementing LED bulbs into their runways, they’re also sending huge EPA flares all over the world by utilizing various plant and animal life in their costumes subsequently showing the world that we must care about nature all the time, even when we are wearing only our underwear. AND WAIT! THERE’S MORE! At the end of the show, the models are giving a big, well, toned, middle finger to all those water wasters out there, because they opted for a balloon shower rather than a real one. What pioneers!

NO WAY, WE WON'T WASTE!

NO WAY, WE WON’T WASTE!

Victoria’s Secret redefined the importance of dramatic hand gestures and winking after a short walk

And you thought the wink was dead! Not anymore! Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for graciously reintroducing the wink into society.  No more winking and blinking to signal if one is okay after a surge of cardio activity, the wink has been pushed to the forefront of kinesthetic communication by signaling that, after a short walk, you’ve completed your required strut and are now signalling to whomever it is that you’re ready to turn around and go back.

Victoria’s Secret generously redefined the idea that anyone can be friends with the popular kids, you just have to sing really well and also already be successful in order to do so

Hey! You! Don’t let anyone tell you that if you’re weird looking can’t be friends with the most popular kids in school.  All you need to do is be an otherwise semi-decent looking person with a platinum selling album (preferably more) and a connection to Taylor Swift, who may or may not be a moonlighting VS model, and you’re in! So if you’re someone like me who wasn’t born with the genetic makeup of the most ideal human beings on the planet, you better start learning a talent that can skyrocket you into the friendship circle of the elite, or else you’re just going to be shit out of luck. Godspeed, mediocre people of the Earth.

The key to being popular is also being extremely, ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

The key to being popular is also being ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

Victoria’s Secret redefined the meaning of “too many cooks in the kitchen”

Case and point, when you have too many people in a concentrated area, one of them is bound to get hit in the face with a pair of 5-foot plastic, feathered wings while they’re trying to do their job.

GET IT OFF ME!

GET IT OFF ME!

Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes

At first one might think that capes only belong on superheroes. But last night, Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes while wearing undergarments.  If anyone thought that bedazzled bras and panties were just too plain for the naked eye, well, you can just jazz it right up with a color coordinating cape.  I was on the fence about what the fashion element of the show was actually about, but after seeing the monumentally aggressive display of capes varying in size and style, I think we can all agree that we stand corrected.

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Did you watch the fashion show? What did you think?

I Don’t Think It Could Be Any More Clear That Jennifer Lopez Is A Vampire

Hi. Um, yes. I’ll have infinity amounts of whatever Jennifer Lopez is having.

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These pictures are difinitive proof that vampires exist and Jennifer Lopez is a fang away from being Queen of the Latin Daywalkers.

I mean, holy damn. Does this woman age? Like ever? The progression from twenty-four to twenty-five put at least three wrinkles on my face. Meanwhile Lady Lopez is over here flaunting her pristine body for the whole world to see for twenty years NON-STOP.

If this is what forty-five looks like, I’ll sign my name on the dotted line and skip my thirties in a heartbeat. I need abs, I need a nice butt, I need that face. GIMME.

Not to mention her face hasn’t seen a wrinkle since she was born, but I mean, holy shit, give women around the world a break.  Don’t vampires have to go to sleep during the day? How is she walking among us? Where is her maker?

I NEED ANSWERS.

If you, or anyone you know, has insight or information on how I can be reborn as a latin woman, please let me know. I need these genes. The latin community is just birthing dynamos and I’m sitting here wondering what I need to do to change my face and body and life to become 3% Latina.

In honor of my monumental discovery of JLo being a vampire, here is a list of some other people that I think may be in the vamp cahoots waiting to be exposed.

Jennifer Aniston She’s timeless, she’s likeable, she’s entrancing.  All three qualities of a well bred vampire. Stay away.

Kate Beckinsale: Genetically impossible. Just like vampires.

George Clooney and Richard Gere: Both have had silver hair and the same face since 1990 and no one has questioned it. Until now.

Halle Berry: No one looks that good in a bikini for that long unless you suck people’s blood for food.

Sofia Vergara: Colombian vampires are almost as lethal as whatever JLo’s ancestry is. Just breeding ageless humans since the beginning of time.

Gabrielle Union: She has the face of a 20-year-old and could still feasibly star in Bring It On 2 without it being wierd. Kirsten Dunst, not so much.

John Stamos: Uncle Jesse. HELLO.

On the other hand, I can assure you MaCaulay Culkin is not a vampire because look at his face:

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Yup, definitely a human. Age on, Richie Rich!

Do you know any celebrities that might be a vampire?

 

The Five Ws of Beyonce’s Favorite Fashion Accessory

Because… what the hell is that thing?

Listen, I am the first person to raise her hand and let the world know I haven’t the slightest clue what is or isn’ trendy.  I can barely find pants that fit or a shirt that doesn’t make my boobs look lopsided.

With that being said, sometimes there are certain things that celebrities wear that make me stand up on my couch shouting to the high heavens, “What on God’s green earth is she/he/it/everyone wearing?”  And by sometimes, I mean pretty much every time Lady Gaga walks outside.

Growing up, my teacher’s always told me to do the Five W’s if I didn’t understand things in order to get a complete mental comprehension of a story, event, or subject.  And aside from the fact that I turned into a semi-upstanding citizen  without really knowing where wind comes from, I think the five W’s have helped me understand a lot of life’s shortcomings.

I haven’t done it in a while, but when I watched Jay-Z and Beyonce’s HBO special, On The Run, and I was slapped in the face with seventy questions ranging from Jay-Z actually being a semi-relevant songmaker to the perplexing amount of “What is that?” remarks regarding Beyonce’s wardrobe choices, I knew I had to break out the big guns.

Case and point, this thing:

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

So grab a pencil, because school is back in session folks and I’m breaking out the Five W’s for Beyonce’s favorite fashion accessory, the fishnet face mask.

WHO:

Who, other than Beyonce, wears this? Definitely not burglars, unless they are really not worried about the whole incognito effect.  This just doesn’t seem plausible for a high profile robbery when you have your face pretty much showing.  I could, however, see it being popular for lunch ladies, as hairnets are all the rage on the serving circuit, but this thing doesn’t even cover all your hair, and what happens when you have to sneeze?  SOMEONE ANSWER ME.

WHAT:

What… is… it? What does it do?  What is it for?  There are so many questions and I can’t wrap my head around it.  Do you wear it for a couple hours a day to get a nice fishnet face imprint?  Is that fun?  Does it make people look sexy?  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in the sex appeal department, but if I have to start wearing a fishnet burglar-style mask to attract men, I don’t know if I’m really ready for that type of commitment.

WHERE:

Where do I wear this?  On the street, maybe on the way to work?  Will it work if I am on the slopes skiing? I don’t think so.  Maybe I would put it on after getting ready for a night out on the town with all my girl friends.  We’re all dolled up, hair done, nails done, everything did, and then the last part of our outfits are all these fishnet face masks.  I really don’t see  a gaggle of mid-twenties females all looking like guppies being a man repellant in any way.

WHEN:

When did this become cool?  I get the fishnet stockings, maybe even the occasional shirt, if you’re feeling frisky.  But I like having my face exposed.  Call me revolutionary, but the thought of wearing fabric over my face without the intention of going skiing or holding someone hostage within the hour seems a little ridiculous to me.

WHY:

Why? Just why?  That is all I have to ask.

Someone please bring me up to speed on this, or anything fashion related.  Otherwise, I’ll be sitting here with pants that are too big and my right boob looking slightly larger than the left because of this damn unflattering pattern.  I need help.

What do you think of Beyonce’s fishnet face mask?

Apparently Beyonce Couldn’t Find Any Words That Rhyme With Elevator

In case you missed being alive yesterday, the internet almost broke when Beyonce released a remix to her song ‘Flawless,’ and she finally addressed the infamous fight between Jay-Z and Solange.

The only problem was that apparently, she couldn’t find any words that rhymed with elevator, so she just repeated it.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator

Hey, maybe I’m being a little too harsh on the Beester (is that cool, Beyonce fanatics?).  Maybe the repetitive nature of that word was for emphasis.  But just in the rare event that my assumptions about pop culture billionaires are correct, I want to remind Beyonce that there are, in fact, a bunch of words that do rhyme with elevator.

Here is the list of potentially badass alternative lyrics to her verse using words that rhyme (imaginarily copyrighted by yours truly):

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Because my sister is a straight up instigator

Everyone who is anyone  has seen that video and knows that Solange throws the first punch.  Thus, making her a straight up instigator.  Rhyme life, 101.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
I need help, please call the operator

This verse would be plausible because 911 is three numbers and when you’re in the midst of a sister-husband spat, you don’t have time to dial three numbers.  The operator is the clear choice here, with only having to press 0, then voice your safety concerns.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
They buggin’ out, I need an exterminator

Beyonce can use this clever pun about bugs and extermination to illustrate how crazy is got up in that metal box.  What do you do when S and Jay are going  crazy?  Call the only man who can extinguish their asses.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
She stole my shoes, they made of alligator

Classic sister feud here that has gone on a little too long.  Jay Z finally said something because he couldn’t stand to listen to Beyonce complain about Solange stole her alligator shoes back in the day.  Dude just trying to get them heels back for his lady.  Can’t be mad about that.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
This aint my husband, he an impersonator

On the flip side, people are really good at pretending to be people they aren’t.  Have you ever been on Sunset Boulevard? Well, me either, but you bet your bottom dollar that those celebrity impersonators are about as realistic as Kirstie Alley staying away from baked goods.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Governator

They live in California, Solange doesn’t.  Jay just wanted to air his political grievances in the privacy of the elevator.  Yet, Solange, being the Terminator aficionado that she is, couldn’t let it go.  And then, BOOM, explosion.

Just goes to show that you can have a zillion people making you look good every day, and you still can’t find the help to put together a simple rhyme scheme.  I’m content being poor and making myself look dumb, at least I don’t pay anyone.

I’m Too Sexy for This Shirt

You heard me.  I’m just too sexy for it.

Actually, this shirt is too sexy for me.

Have a hangover?  Slap on this vintage, limited edition XXL 2002 Jingle Ball long sleeve shirt and perk your brain right up.  No headaches, just happiness.

Feeling downtrodden?  Not with this fabulous fabric chest piece complete with an intertwined embrace featuring none other than pop superstars, Destiny’s Child.

Don’t have a fashion sense?  Not a problem, because Avril Lavigne is on the back sporting polarized yellow aviators, so you know you’re not the worst looking one in the room.

Forgot about Ja Rule?  Never again, because he’s featured on the front AND the back of this majestic poly-fiber blended shirt.

Want to land a hot date?  Just make sure that Nelly is visible and no one can deny you when you ask, “You want to take a ride with me?”  It’s just science.

Feeling nostalgic? You’re in luck because Justin Timberlake and his frosted tips make an appearance. Never miss out on your 90’s memories again!

Can’t get this shirt out of your head?  Neither can Kylie Minogue!  Turns out, this shirt was the inspiration for that annoying hit song.  You’re welcome, world!

*** No, this is not for sale.  Unless you want to buy it.  Have your people call my people. 

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meg lago’s hangover face.