Because… what the hell is that thing?
Listen, I am the first person to raise her hand and let the world know I haven’t the slightest clue what is or isn’ trendy. I can barely find pants that fit or a shirt that doesn’t make my boobs look lopsided.
With that being said, sometimes there are certain things that celebrities wear that make me stand up on my couch shouting to the high heavens, “What on God’s green earth is she/he/it/everyone wearing?” And by sometimes, I mean pretty much every time Lady Gaga walks outside.
Growing up, my teacher’s always told me to do the Five W’s if I didn’t understand things in order to get a complete mental comprehension of a story, event, or subject. And aside from the fact that I turned into a semi-upstanding citizen without really knowing where wind comes from, I think the five W’s have helped me understand a lot of life’s shortcomings.
I haven’t done it in a while, but when I watched Jay-Z and Beyonce’s HBO special, On The Run, and I was slapped in the face with seventy questions ranging from Jay-Z actually being a semi-relevant songmaker to the perplexing amount of “What is that?” remarks regarding Beyonce’s wardrobe choices, I knew I had to break out the big guns.
Case and point, this thing:
Exhibit A.
So grab a pencil, because school is back in session folks and I’m breaking out the Five W’s for Beyonce’s favorite fashion accessory, the fishnet face mask.
WHO:
Who, other than Beyonce, wears this? Definitely not burglars, unless they are really not worried about the whole incognito effect. This just doesn’t seem plausible for a high profile robbery when you have your face pretty much showing. I could, however, see it being popular for lunch ladies, as hairnets are all the rage on the serving circuit, but this thing doesn’t even cover all your hair, and what happens when you have to sneeze? SOMEONE ANSWER ME.
WHAT:
What… is… it? What does it do? What is it for? There are so many questions and I can’t wrap my head around it. Do you wear it for a couple hours a day to get a nice fishnet face imprint? Is that fun? Does it make people look sexy? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in the sex appeal department, but if I have to start wearing a fishnet burglar-style mask to attract men, I don’t know if I’m really ready for that type of commitment.
WHERE:
Where do I wear this? On the street, maybe on the way to work? Will it work if I am on the slopes skiing? I don’t think so. Maybe I would put it on after getting ready for a night out on the town with all my girl friends. We’re all dolled up, hair done, nails done, everything did, and then the last part of our outfits are all these fishnet face masks. I really don’t see a gaggle of mid-twenties females all looking like guppies being a man repellant in any way.
WHEN:
When did this become cool? I get the fishnet stockings, maybe even the occasional shirt, if you’re feeling frisky. But I like having my face exposed. Call me revolutionary, but the thought of wearing fabric over my face without the intention of going skiing or holding someone hostage within the hour seems a little ridiculous to me.
WHY:
Why? Just why? That is all I have to ask.
Someone please bring me up to speed on this, or anything fashion related. Otherwise, I’ll be sitting here with pants that are too big and my right boob looking slightly larger than the left because of this damn unflattering pattern. I need help.
Half and Half 