You know, if the bible was a airplane magazine that sold you everything you never knew you needed ever in your lifetime.
Listen, we all just want to get through each day without tripping off a sidewalk, spilling food on ourselves, and trying not to relate every conversation back to your obsession with 19 Kids and Counting.
And while I’m masking my inadequacies surrounding social interactions with interjections about my affinity for TLC’s reality television programs, other people are actually just trying to get through the day alive. Especially if you hate your job. Which, according to almost everyone I’ve talking to – aside from Beyonce who gets to take a year of to just go and “try to get pregnant” with Jay-Z for the next year – everyone pretty much hates their job.
Sorry, I need to go back to that for a moment. Yes, Beyonce is taking a year off from making mazillions (real number, google it) (please don’t) of dollars so that her and Jay-Z can go live in Paris to have secret sex and try and make a second baby. Celebrities have it so tough.
Anyways, while the rest of the population is metaphorically stabbing their eyeballs out while sitting in a cube all day being slaves in corporate purgatory, there are two things that seem to brighten the long days spent inside staring at a computer screen and spinning in your rolly chair.
One of those things is alcohol. The other one of those things, is SkyMall.
I’ve written numerous posts about my obsession with SkyMall, but recently, a coworker let me twiddle my fingers through the pages of their much sought after holiday catalog and I was immediately filled with so much glee I almost spontaneously broke into a solo flash mob in my office. #JaneLynch
Within these pages, there are tons and tons of new items, products, toys, and games that I need in my life. Obviously, you should all visit their website and buy a shit ton of stuff because it will enrich both your social and love life, but also because SkyMall has all the things you need to make your life a mazillion times better than it is right now.
My Top 5 Must-Haves From SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog
People are always pointing out how lazy I am when it comes to doing any sort of physical activity. Mainly because my idea of a workout is getting up to refill my third bowl of Frosted Flakes, but that’s not the point. These bad boys would allow me to glide all over the world like a certified exercising BOSS. Not only is Boston not very hilly, the sidewalks are pretty ruthless and cutthroat, which is why these feet wheels would be the ultimate weapon of power when commuting to work. MOVE OVER, LADY.
As I previously mentioned in one of my most sophisticated posts to date, my boyfriend and I are moving in together. I’m assuming there will be arguments, mostly because we fight over things like who has more cheese on their burrito or who can get to the fridge faster in order to eat the last Trader Joe’s cupcake. In order to be the ultimate wit warrior, I’m going to need another woman on my side. And while adding a second, human, lady roommate to our one-bedroom apartment could cause a serious rift, I see no issue with a lady lamp. What I see here is a built in companion ready to defend my idiosyncrasies and ridiculous/crazy/borderline obsessive tendencies to her dumpster grave.
I actually don’t even own a bike, but if I can just attach this to my stationary cycle while I’m at spin class, that 45 minutes would go by a hell of a lot faster. I totally wish I would have had this in college, as it would have made my entrance into parties much more exciting for everyone in attendance. Then I wouldn’t be that weird girl in the corner that no one really knows how she got there. I’d just be that weird girl with her bike beers trying to get everyone drunk enough to forget I actually am the weird girl in the corner, and I see no issue with that.
And this may be the best thing the world never knew it needed. The best part about the airport, aside from it being socially acceptable to be drunk at all hours, is that there are people movers. You don’t have to walk and yet you still move. Well Hovertrax is coming in hot with mobility without movement. Hungover? Hovertrax home. Hard gym workout? Hovertrax it back. The possibilities are endless.
5. Seabreacher Customized Boat
I don’t even know what realm of the universe you’re living on if I have to explain to you the urgency of ownership revolving around this customized sharkboat. Sure it’s almost $100,000, and I’ll probably have to do some aggressive begging and maybe street walking in order to get it, but hey, you just can’t put a price tag on happiness. At least that’s what I keep telling my boyfriend when I talk about how affordable Michael Kors watches are during Christmas time. (So affordable, right!?)