beyonce

I Got My Hands On SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog And I’ve Decided It’s The New Bible

You know, if the bible was a airplane magazine that sold you everything you never knew you needed ever in your lifetime.

Listen, we all just want to get through each day without tripping off a sidewalk, spilling food on ourselves, and trying not to relate every conversation back to your obsession with 19 Kids and Counting.

And while I’m masking my inadequacies surrounding social interactions with interjections about my affinity for TLC’s reality television programs, other people are actually just trying to get through the day alive. Especially if you hate your job.  Which, according to almost everyone I’ve talking to – aside from Beyonce who gets to take a year of to just go and “try to get pregnant” with Jay-Z for the next year – everyone pretty much hates their job.

Sorry, I need to go back to that for a moment. Yes, Beyonce is taking a year off from making mazillions (real number, google it) (please don’t) of dollars so that her and Jay-Z can go live in Paris to have secret sex and try and make a second baby. Celebrities have it so tough.

Anyways, while the rest of the population is metaphorically stabbing their eyeballs out while sitting in a cube all day being slaves in corporate purgatory, there are two things that seem to brighten the long days spent inside staring at a computer screen and spinning in your rolly chair.

One of those things is alcohol. The other one of those things, is SkyMall.

I’ve written numerous posts about my obsession with SkyMall, but recently, a coworker let me twiddle my fingers through the pages of their much sought after holiday catalog and I was immediately filled with so much glee I almost spontaneously broke into a solo flash mob in my office. #JaneLynch

Within these pages, there are tons and tons of new items, products, toys, and games that I need in my life.  Obviously, you should all visit their website and buy a shit ton of stuff because it will enrich both your social and love life, but also because SkyMall has all the things you need to make your life a mazillion times better than it is right now.

My Top 5 Must-Haves From SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog

OrbitWheels

OrbitWheels

1. OrbitWheels

People are always pointing out how lazy I am when it comes to doing any sort of physical activity. Mainly because my idea of a workout is getting up to refill my third bowl of Frosted Flakes, but that’s not the point.  These bad boys would allow me to glide all over the world like a certified exercising BOSS.  Not only is Boston not very hilly, the sidewalks are pretty ruthless and cutthroat, which is why these feet wheels would be the ultimate weapon of power when commuting to work. MOVE OVER, LADY.

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

2. Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

As I previously mentioned in one of my most sophisticated posts to date, my boyfriend and I are moving in together.  I’m assuming there will be arguments, mostly because we fight over things like who has more cheese on their burrito or who can get to the fridge faster in order to eat the last Trader Joe’s cupcake.  In order to be the ultimate wit warrior, I’m going to need another woman on my side. And while adding a second, human, lady roommate to our one-bedroom apartment could cause a serious rift, I see no issue with a lady lamp. What I see here is a built in companion ready to defend my idiosyncrasies and ridiculous/crazy/borderline obsessive tendencies to her dumpster grave.

Fyxation Caddy

Fyxation Caddy

3. Fyxation Caddy

I actually don’t even own a bike, but if I can just attach this to my stationary cycle while I’m at spin class, that 45 minutes would go by a hell of a lot faster. I totally wish I would have had this in college, as it would have made my entrance into parties much more exciting for everyone in attendance.  Then I wouldn’t be that weird girl in the corner that no one really knows how she got there. I’d just be that weird girl with her bike beers trying to get everyone drunk enough to forget I actually am the weird girl in the corner, and I see no issue with that.

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Hovertrax

4. Hovertrax

And this may be the best thing the world never knew it needed. The best part about the airport, aside from it being socially acceptable to be drunk at all hours, is that there are people movers. You don’t have to walk and yet you still move.  Well Hovertrax is coming in hot with mobility without movement.  Hungover? Hovertrax home. Hard gym workout? Hovertrax it back. The possibilities are endless.

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Customized Shark Boat

5. Seabreacher Customized Boat

I don’t even know what realm of the universe you’re living on if I have to explain to you the urgency of ownership revolving around this customized sharkboat.  Sure it’s almost $100,000, and I’ll probably have to do some aggressive begging and maybe street walking in order to get it, but hey, you just can’t put a price tag on happiness.  At least that’s what I keep telling my boyfriend when I talk about how affordable Michael Kors watches are during Christmas time. (So affordable, right!?)

What do you have on your holiday lists? Have you started shopping yet?

The Five Ws of Beyonce’s Favorite Fashion Accessory

Because… what the hell is that thing?

Listen, I am the first person to raise her hand and let the world know I haven’t the slightest clue what is or isn’ trendy.  I can barely find pants that fit or a shirt that doesn’t make my boobs look lopsided.

With that being said, sometimes there are certain things that celebrities wear that make me stand up on my couch shouting to the high heavens, “What on God’s green earth is she/he/it/everyone wearing?”  And by sometimes, I mean pretty much every time Lady Gaga walks outside.

Growing up, my teacher’s always told me to do the Five W’s if I didn’t understand things in order to get a complete mental comprehension of a story, event, or subject.  And aside from the fact that I turned into a semi-upstanding citizen  without really knowing where wind comes from, I think the five W’s have helped me understand a lot of life’s shortcomings.

I haven’t done it in a while, but when I watched Jay-Z and Beyonce’s HBO special, On The Run, and I was slapped in the face with seventy questions ranging from Jay-Z actually being a semi-relevant songmaker to the perplexing amount of “What is that?” remarks regarding Beyonce’s wardrobe choices, I knew I had to break out the big guns.

Case and point, this thing:

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

So grab a pencil, because school is back in session folks and I’m breaking out the Five W’s for Beyonce’s favorite fashion accessory, the fishnet face mask.

WHO:

Who, other than Beyonce, wears this? Definitely not burglars, unless they are really not worried about the whole incognito effect.  This just doesn’t seem plausible for a high profile robbery when you have your face pretty much showing.  I could, however, see it being popular for lunch ladies, as hairnets are all the rage on the serving circuit, but this thing doesn’t even cover all your hair, and what happens when you have to sneeze?  SOMEONE ANSWER ME.

WHAT:

What… is… it? What does it do?  What is it for?  There are so many questions and I can’t wrap my head around it.  Do you wear it for a couple hours a day to get a nice fishnet face imprint?  Is that fun?  Does it make people look sexy?  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in the sex appeal department, but if I have to start wearing a fishnet burglar-style mask to attract men, I don’t know if I’m really ready for that type of commitment.

WHERE:

Where do I wear this?  On the street, maybe on the way to work?  Will it work if I am on the slopes skiing? I don’t think so.  Maybe I would put it on after getting ready for a night out on the town with all my girl friends.  We’re all dolled up, hair done, nails done, everything did, and then the last part of our outfits are all these fishnet face masks.  I really don’t see  a gaggle of mid-twenties females all looking like guppies being a man repellant in any way.

WHEN:

When did this become cool?  I get the fishnet stockings, maybe even the occasional shirt, if you’re feeling frisky.  But I like having my face exposed.  Call me revolutionary, but the thought of wearing fabric over my face without the intention of going skiing or holding someone hostage within the hour seems a little ridiculous to me.

WHY:

Why? Just why?  That is all I have to ask.

Someone please bring me up to speed on this, or anything fashion related.  Otherwise, I’ll be sitting here with pants that are too big and my right boob looking slightly larger than the left because of this damn unflattering pattern.  I need help.

What do you think of Beyonce’s fishnet face mask?

Apparently Beyonce Couldn’t Find Any Words That Rhyme With Elevator

In case you missed being alive yesterday, the internet almost broke when Beyonce released a remix to her song ‘Flawless,’ and she finally addressed the infamous fight between Jay-Z and Solange.

The only problem was that apparently, she couldn’t find any words that rhymed with elevator, so she just repeated it.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator

Hey, maybe I’m being a little too harsh on the Beester (is that cool, Beyonce fanatics?).  Maybe the repetitive nature of that word was for emphasis.  But just in the rare event that my assumptions about pop culture billionaires are correct, I want to remind Beyonce that there are, in fact, a bunch of words that do rhyme with elevator.

Here is the list of potentially badass alternative lyrics to her verse using words that rhyme (imaginarily copyrighted by yours truly):

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Because my sister is a straight up instigator

Everyone who is anyone  has seen that video and knows that Solange throws the first punch.  Thus, making her a straight up instigator.  Rhyme life, 101.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
I need help, please call the operator

This verse would be plausible because 911 is three numbers and when you’re in the midst of a sister-husband spat, you don’t have time to dial three numbers.  The operator is the clear choice here, with only having to press 0, then voice your safety concerns.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
They buggin’ out, I need an exterminator

Beyonce can use this clever pun about bugs and extermination to illustrate how crazy is got up in that metal box.  What do you do when S and Jay are going  crazy?  Call the only man who can extinguish their asses.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
She stole my shoes, they made of alligator

Classic sister feud here that has gone on a little too long.  Jay Z finally said something because he couldn’t stand to listen to Beyonce complain about Solange stole her alligator shoes back in the day.  Dude just trying to get them heels back for his lady.  Can’t be mad about that.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
This aint my husband, he an impersonator

On the flip side, people are really good at pretending to be people they aren’t.  Have you ever been on Sunset Boulevard? Well, me either, but you bet your bottom dollar that those celebrity impersonators are about as realistic as Kirstie Alley staying away from baked goods.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Governator

They live in California, Solange doesn’t.  Jay just wanted to air his political grievances in the privacy of the elevator.  Yet, Solange, being the Terminator aficionado that she is, couldn’t let it go.  And then, BOOM, explosion.

Just goes to show that you can have a zillion people making you look good every day, and you still can’t find the help to put together a simple rhyme scheme.  I’m content being poor and making myself look dumb, at least I don’t pay anyone.