I Don’t Think It Could Be Any More Clear That Jennifer Lopez Is A Vampire

Hi. Um, yes. I’ll have infinity amounts of whatever Jennifer Lopez is having.

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These pictures are difinitive proof that vampires exist and Jennifer Lopez is a fang away from being Queen of the Latin Daywalkers.

I mean, holy damn. Does this woman age? Like ever? The progression from twenty-four to twenty-five put at least three wrinkles on my face. Meanwhile Lady Lopez is over here flaunting her pristine body for the whole world to see for twenty years NON-STOP.

If this is what forty-five looks like, I’ll sign my name on the dotted line and skip my thirties in a heartbeat. I need abs, I need a nice butt, I need that face. GIMME.

Not to mention her face hasn’t seen a wrinkle since she was born, but I mean, holy shit, give women around the world a break.  Don’t vampires have to go to sleep during the day? How is she walking among us? Where is her maker?

I NEED ANSWERS.

If you, or anyone you know, has insight or information on how I can be reborn as a latin woman, please let me know. I need these genes. The latin community is just birthing dynamos and I’m sitting here wondering what I need to do to change my face and body and life to become 3% Latina.

In honor of my monumental discovery of JLo being a vampire, here is a list of some other people that I think may be in the vamp cahoots waiting to be exposed.

Jennifer Aniston She’s timeless, she’s likeable, she’s entrancing.  All three qualities of a well bred vampire. Stay away.

Kate Beckinsale: Genetically impossible. Just like vampires.

George Clooney and Richard Gere: Both have had silver hair and the same face since 1990 and no one has questioned it. Until now.

Halle Berry: No one looks that good in a bikini for that long unless you suck people’s blood for food.

Sofia Vergara: Colombian vampires are almost as lethal as whatever JLo’s ancestry is. Just breeding ageless humans since the beginning of time.

Gabrielle Union: She has the face of a 20-year-old and could still feasibly star in Bring It On 2 without it being wierd. Kirsten Dunst, not so much.

John Stamos: Uncle Jesse. HELLO.

On the other hand, I can assure you MaCaulay Culkin is not a vampire because look at his face:

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Yup, definitely a human. Age on, Richie Rich!


Do you know any celebrities that might be a vampire?

 

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Apparently Beyonce Couldn’t Find Any Words That Rhyme With Elevator

In case you missed being alive yesterday, the internet almost broke when Beyonce released a remix to her song ‘Flawless,’ and she finally addressed the infamous fight between Jay-Z and Solange.

The only problem was that apparently, she couldn’t find any words that rhymed with elevator, so she just repeated it.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator

Hey, maybe I’m being a little too harsh on the Beester (is that cool, Beyonce fanatics?).  Maybe the repetitive nature of that word was for emphasis.  But just in the rare event that my assumptions about pop culture billionaires are correct, I want to remind Beyonce that there are, in fact, a bunch of words that do rhyme with elevator.

Here is the list of potentially badass alternative lyrics to her verse using words that rhyme (imaginarily copyrighted by yours truly):

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Because my sister is a straight up instigator

Everyone who is anyone  has seen that video and knows that Solange throws the first punch.  Thus, making her a straight up instigator.  Rhyme life, 101.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
I need help, please call the operator

This verse would be plausible because 911 is three numbers and when you’re in the midst of a sister-husband spat, you don’t have time to dial three numbers.  The operator is the clear choice here, with only having to press 0, then voice your safety concerns.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
They buggin’ out, I need an exterminator

Beyonce can use this clever pun about bugs and extermination to illustrate how crazy is got up in that metal box.  What do you do when S and Jay are going  crazy?  Call the only man who can extinguish their asses.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
She stole my shoes, they made of alligator

Classic sister feud here that has gone on a little too long.  Jay Z finally said something because he couldn’t stand to listen to Beyonce complain about Solange stole her alligator shoes back in the day.  Dude just trying to get them heels back for his lady.  Can’t be mad about that.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
This aint my husband, he an impersonator

On the flip side, people are really good at pretending to be people they aren’t.  Have you ever been on Sunset Boulevard? Well, me either, but you bet your bottom dollar that those celebrity impersonators are about as realistic as Kirstie Alley staying away from baked goods.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Governator

They live in California, Solange doesn’t.  Jay just wanted to air his political grievances in the privacy of the elevator.  Yet, Solange, being the Terminator aficionado that she is, couldn’t let it go.  And then, BOOM, explosion.


Just goes to show that you can have a zillion people making you look good every day, and you still can’t find the help to put together a simple rhyme scheme.  I’m content being poor and making myself look dumb, at least I don’t pay anyone.

If you don’t watch this speech from Ellen Page, you’re just dumb.

By far one of the best speeches I’ve ever heard.  So completely inspirational.

Ellen Page is the shit.

I knew we would be friends when she was in Juno.  Calling a newborn child a seamonkey when they’re in the womb was brilliant, and I bet she ad libbed the whole thing.

Hey America, this is who we should be considering a role model.  Let’s start telling women to look at her.

But, I guess I’ll wake up from my nap and pick up my magazine with the cover story, “Kourtney Kardashian’s beach vacation in Cabo San Lucas! See all the juicy photos of her and Scott’s tropical getaway!”  That seems like a way more worthwhile and newsworthy topic.

Watch the video below:

The Grammys: What They Were Really Thinking.

BRB, just going to add ‘Amature Mind Reader’ to my resume real quick.

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You’re welcome.

Yes, yes I will marry you.

Yes, yes I will marry you.

26 Things the Grammys taught me.

THANKS!!!

THANKS!!!

The 2014 Grammys and malbec go together like wine and everything else every day of my life.  Kendrick Lamar was robbed in broad nightlight.  Revenge will be sought.  So yeah, in a nutshell, this is what I learned:

Pharrell Williams gave everyone a preview of his halloween costume.

Guess I can’t be Indiana Jones this year. Damnit.

Kendrick Lamar is perfect.

I would have locked him down as my prom date and future boyfriend so fast in high school.  We could have awkwardly slow danced to Vitamin-C’s “Graduation” whilst daydreaming about our future. Hey Kendrick, call me… not maybe.  Call me for real.

Yes, yes I will marry you.

Yes, yes I will marry you.

Rita Ora is my bff in my head.

Move over, Jennifer Lawrence, you are no longer my #1.  Rita Ora just turned the imaginary bff game upside down.  Multi-color packman nails? SIGN. ME. UP. Besties fo’ lyfe.  Rita, have your people call my people (my mom) and let’s set up a time to hang out.  Maybe we can go to an amusement park or I can be your +1 to an exclusive hollywood party in which I meet Drake and we get married…  You can pick.

Kevin Hart is so small.

I didn’t just learn this tonight.  But I did learn he is an entire torso shorter than everyone else in the world.

too short to ride this ride.

too short to ride this ride.

The term “baby bump” is uncomfortable.

Just stop it. Stop.  Traffic terminology is not acceptable when referencing pregnancy.

Lorde needs to be diagnosed with arthritis.

There is no other explanation for the clenching of the fingers.  I’m not even a doctor and I know claw hands are not a desirable trait to have.  She’s either secretly practicing witchcraft or preparing for Halloween as an elderly woman.

Broomsticks double as stripper poles.

I knew witches and wizards had a little something extra with wands and pointy hats, but now you’re telling me their brooms are also stripper poles?  Some people have all the luck.  I see you winding and grinding up on that pole, Hermoine.

Headgear is on the cusp of becoming a fashion staple.

LL Cool J has worn the same newsboy hat since ’93. Daft Punk with star wars helmets.  Pharrell embodying Indiana Jones.  Zac Brown beanie swag.

John Legend looks like a cartoon.

Has anyone ever walked the earth as a living, breathing animation better than John Legend?  A straight up cross between Cleveland from Family Guy and Gerald from Hey Arnold.

just an afro away.

just an afro away.

Taylor Swift is the most loveable and hateable person on the planet. 

Her dancing. Her hair flipping. I love her songs. I can’t stand her being so shocked all the time.  She knows she’s good – own it. Stop being all surprised people relate to you.

There are only six awards during the entire show.

This shouldn’t be considered an award show.  It’s more of a two-hour time block in which you get a glimpse into every single possible facet of music using only the most famous and/or popular people in each genre.  It’s like going to a music festival and only caring about three out of the ninety bands playing.  Waste of time.

The circus revival is not going to happen until Barnum and Bailey both give Pink a personal phone call.

I mean seriously.  How many times is this girl supposed to dangle from a sheet without a harness before they deem her worthy?  She clearly wants in on the Ringling Bros. GIVE THE GIRL A CHANCE.

Give this girl a job already.

Give this girl a job already.

Visa Mastercard is doing Priceless Surprises and I need to have it happen to me.

Where do I sign up and how much money do I need to spend to have Aaron Paul and Kendrick Lamar show up at my doorstep and hang out with me?

Kendrick Lamar won the Grammys and punched the world right in the eyeball. 

Don’t care how long Taylor Swift sultry stared into the camera demanding recognition for her relational hardships, or how mysterious Katy Perry’s mystical forest was, Kendrick just performed in an all white track suit and didn’t suck.  Done.

Kacey Musgraves is better than TSwift and everyone needs to know it.

When you stop complaining about relationships when you’re pretty, rich, and famous, and be less annoying all around, you have Kacey Musgraves.  Get it girl.

The Osbournes need to make their comeback and reclaim their throne as reality tv royalty.

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Yo MTV, bring back The Osbournes.

Go away, Kardashians, the patriarch of the metal head family dynasty needs to return to MTV.  Ozzy’s presentation delivery was phenomenal.  And we need more of this in our lives.

Everyone now knows what a nursing home talent show would look like. 

Willie Nelson and company showing us , literally how old they are.  If your grandma asks you to come see her performance in the talent show at Sweet Acres Retirement Center, just respond with a, “Thanks, but I think I’ve had my fill of adult entertainment for a while.”

The Storm Troopers made an appearance.

Oh, wait.  That was just Daft Punk being Daft Punk.

Kristen Stewart has passed the awkward torch.

Lorde just stole that flame; just absolutely the most awkward person on the planet channeling Elvira at the Grammys. And…. posture. Learn it, live it, love it.

safety first. silence second.

safety first. silence second.

Daft Punk needs to give a speech at my wedding.

I don’t care who I need to pay, or what soul I need to sell, it will happen, and it will be silent as hell.

Lindsey Buckingham made an appearance.

And Keenan Thompson wasn’t a part of it.  I was praying on all deities for a What Up Wit Dat re-enactment.  SNL for the win

Lindsey Buckingham Saturday Night Live May 14 b

the best.

Bolo ties are real, and they’re here to stay.

Macklemore, Bruno Mars, the NFL.  Who’s next?

Madonna never left her music video.

In case you were wondering, the reigning Queen of Pop still thinks she’s in her music video for, “Don’t Tell Me,” cowboy hat included.

Kent Knappenberger needs to open up a restaraunt. 

Mail it in on the teaching music.  If I don’t have a Knappenburger with extra BBQ sauce and a side of onion rings by Friday, I’m quitting my job, renouncing my United States citizenship, and becoming a nomad (just kidding… unless it really happens).  Also, if he didn’t win beard of the year award, it went to ZZ Top, and that’s fair, but I think they should do a recount.

pass the torch already

pass the torch already

White suits are the only way to establish dominance.

Backstreet Boys did it in the 90s, and 2014 is bringing it back. Kendrick Lamar, Imagine Dragons, and Daft Punk all asserting their power over the music industry with full on white on white suits.  Just a sweatband and an Adidas high top sneaker away from an NBA practice squad.

Daft Punk got lucky.

In no way, shape, or form should they have beat out Kendrick Lamar.  But the biggest cop out is the fact that they received this honor and can’t even speak for themselves.  I can’t tell if I hate them or respect them for staying in character.

… and now it’s time for bed. Malbec and Meg out.

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Things The Golden Globes Taught Me.

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So… want to be friends?

Aside from the fact that Aaron Paul was straight up robbed in broad daylight by Jon Voight in the Best Supporting Actor category, the Golden Globes were entertaining, and also educational.

Here are a few things that I learned while watching:

Falling in love with a robot is not weird.

I guess it makes that whole, ‘I can’t live without my phone’ thing actually possible and acceptable.

Spike Jonze is white.

Got slapped in the face with that bit of knowledge.  Totally unexpected.

Nebraska is so forgotten that it needs its own movie.

And it’s probably all fields, highways, and a good thing to take a nap while watching.  Don’t think you’d miss much.

Chairs/tables on the floor could probably be closer together.

The venue was more crowded than an Italian wedding. I’ve never seen more of a struggle than every single winner trying to navigate through the chair and table forest just to accept the award.  Spread out, people.

People need to take a tip from the Italians and shorten the speeches.

Let’s all make a collective decision to give acceptance speeches in a different language, that way you acknowledge the essentials.  Write a letter thanking the camera man, or Pizza Guy #2 in Drive-By Scene.  I don’t need to hear a novel’s worth of gratitude.

No one actually prepared to win.

Why is this type of unpreparedness not okay in the real world?  Can we all just start showing up for tests without studying, or interviews without researching the company?

Leo DeCaps is flawless.

I’d share my double doored raft in the freezing ocean with you.  Remember that.  I am not Rose. I care. I want you to live. #JackDawsonForLife

Exit music should be required in everyday life.

Someone needs to play music when I think it’s a good idea to call my mom at 12:30am just to ask her what kind of cheese she uses on enchiladas.  It’d also be so helpful for some tune cues to show up when I’m roped into talking to my crazy aunt Nancy about her multi-colored toe socks that she knitted with wool from her personal alpaca.

Woody Allen looks like the dad from Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

The broom and ant scenes were terrifying.  Totally wanted to be shrunk and eat an oreo though, would have been the best moment of my life.

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Rick Moranis

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Woody Allen

If you don’t see it, you’re blind.