satire

How The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Was The Most Revolutionary Thing That Ever Happened To Planet Earth In The History Of the Universe Ever

Let’s face it, we all could use a distraction from real life from time to time. I mean, honestly, who has the time to care about the CIA Torture Report or all of the civil unrest is going on within our own country?

The universe needed to be stopped dead in its tracks last night because genetically impossible women were flaunting their abdominals and mile-long legs all over CBS. And I, for one, was glued to the screen because you know what? Life is hard, America is imploding, and I need a goddamn break from my privileged lifestyle.

Last night, gorgeous models showed everyone what was really important last night by redefining fashion, music, and politics all in a nice one-hour package. And here’s a breakdown of just how they did it.

Victoria’s Secret culturally redefined our need for world peace

By having this fashion show groundbreakingly set in London, Victoria’s Secret is making a culturally aware statement that everyone in the universe just needs to hold hands and get along. Not only are the models all different races, backgrounds, and religions, they’re also the most beautiful people in the world. The takeaway here is that if the most beautiful women in the world can all pretend to get along without clawing each other’s eyeballs out in the name of healthy competition, then goddamnit, we can do our best to get along with everyone we hate, too.

Look at us! We all get along in the name of ~~fancy underwear~~ world peace!

Victoria’s Secret groundbreakingly redefined the importance of water conservation

Who needs the Environmental Protection Agency when you have fourteen of the most beautiful women subliminally telling the world to conserve energy? Not only is Victoria’s Secret promoting energy efficiency by implementing LED bulbs into their runways, they’re also sending huge EPA flares all over the world by utilizing various plant and animal life in their costumes subsequently showing the world that we must care about nature all the time, even when we are wearing only our underwear. AND WAIT! THERE’S MORE! At the end of the show, the models are giving a ~~big,~~ well, toned, middle finger to all those water wasters out there, because they opted for a balloon shower rather than a real one. What pioneers!

NO WAY, WE WON’T WASTE!

Victoria’s Secret redefined the importance of dramatic hand gestures and winking after a short walk

And you thought the wink was dead! Not anymore! Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for graciously reintroducing the wink into society. No more winking and blinking to signal if one is okay after a surge of cardio activity, the wink has been pushed to the forefront of kinesthetic communication by signaling that, after a short walk, you’ve completed your required strut and are now signalling to whomever it is that you’re ready to turn around and go back.

Victoria’s Secret generously redefined the idea that anyone can be friends with the popular kids, you just have to sing really well and also already be successful in order to do so

Hey! You! Don’t let anyone tell you that if you’re weird looking can’t be friends with the most popular kids in school. All you need to do is be an otherwise semi-decent looking person with a platinum selling album (preferably more) and a connection to Taylor Swift, who may or may not be a moonlighting VS model, and you’re in! So if you’re someone like me who wasn’t born with the genetic makeup of the most ideal human beings on the planet, you better start learning a talent that can skyrocket you into the friendship circle of the elite, or else you’re just going to be shit out of luck. Godspeed, mediocre people of the Earth.

The key to being popular is also being extremely, ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

The key to being popular is also being ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

Victoria’s Secret redefined the meaning of “too many cooks in the kitchen”

Case and point, when you have too many people in a concentrated area, one of them is bound to get hit in the face with a pair of 5-foot plastic, feathered wings while they’re trying to do their job.

GET IT OFF ME!

Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes

At first one might think that capes only belong on superheroes. But last night, Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes while wearing undergarments. If anyone thought that bedazzled bras and panties were just too plain for the naked eye, well, you can just jazz it right up with a color coordinating cape. I was on the fence about what the fashion element of the show was actually about, but after seeing the monumentally aggressive display of capes varying in size and style, I think we can all agree that we stand corrected.

***

Did you watch the fashion show? What did you think?

Girl Scouts: The Most Notorious Gang In History

gang (noun): a group of people which shares an identity and a common purpose; often know to fight against other groups with similar interests.

Pouty Meg, front and center. #RuthlessTroop156

Have you ever tried to say “No,” to a gaggle of five-year-old girls, all of whom are dead set on winning first place in a bake sale competition?

If you were one of the few brave souls who stood up to the corrupt tactics of using seasonal treats to transform innocent girls into tyrannical, power hungry preteens, you probably did not live to tell the tale.

So we salute you, brave, dead soul, for your attempts to stand up to the most notorious gang in history: The Girl Scouts of America.

To the naked eye, a Girl Scout is a poster of all that is good in the universe: a volunteer at retirement centers, one who spends time picking up trash around local parks, earning badges and patches for being active in their respective communities.

But a closer look into the organization reveals cut throat sales techniques, questionable initiation rituals, and heinously manufactured uniforms. These girls are highly trained cookie assassins, and they will attack you when you are weakest.

You may think I’m exaggerating. But I am not. I am a survivor of the GSoA. I’ve lived through it, and I’m here to explain why the Girl Scouts organization just a mirage for an undercover street gang of elementary school girls.

According to this article, here is what constitutes a gang:

1. Organized in some way, often with clear leaders and a hierarchy, and that the members gather to socialize and carry out various activities on a regular basis.

Troops leaders are the head honchos of the Girl Scouts. These women, usually mothers related to a girl in the respective troop, will coordinate, plan, and execute meetings on a weekly basis. Discussion topics of relevance include but are not limited to: scheming various sales strategies for seasonal supplies, decorate clothing items with symbols of segmented troop for unique identifier and easy avoidance of “friend or foe” when in the streets.

2. The shared identity of gang members can be based on ethnicity, culture, class, religion, or another common thread which allows people to find something of interest in each other.

Girls are usually grouped together based on initial elementary friend groups, and or community based neighborhoods, or ‘hoods.’ These girls generally have common interests based on blocks where they live, classes, and school bus routes.

3. Members may choose to identify themselves with nicknames, tattoos, specific slang, distinctive graffiti tags, or specific styles of dress.

Daisies, Brownies, Juniors, Cadets – you see where I’m going with this – just climbing the gang ranks. If you didn’t have patches on patches sewn to your vest, you knew you didn’t try and no one respected you. You had to have a vest so patched out, it looked like a quilt on your back. Nothing less than perfection was accepted.

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Collectively identified with distinctively unique clothing.

4. Often, if not always require indicative hand gesture, slogan, identifying sign or graffiti during meetings and greetings.

Self explanatory.

5. Seeks to exercise control over a particular geographic location or region, or it may simply defend its perceived interests against rivals.

Girl Scouts are constantly defending coveted neighborhood territory against rival gangs like: other girl scout troops – specifically those within the same elementary school – the dreaded boy scouts, do good church-led youth groups, and/or any extracurricular activity dedicated to the betterment of society as a whole.

6. Infamous for being involved in activities of questionable legality.

Bragging rights for most cookies sold was essential, prudent, and imperative. Losing was not an option. If you had to work twelve-hour sale days, you did it. If you had to walk eight miles in your fifth grade shoes after soccer practice, you did it. We learned one slogan, ABC: Always Be Closing.

There were no tears, only triumphs.

—

Always remember, if you see something, say something. Girl Scouts are taking over our communities one box of cookies at a time. Do your due diligence to stop your sisters, daughters, and friends from joining.

But if you have a hook-up to some Thin Mints, Tagalongs, Do-Si-Dos, hell any of those delicious seasonal treats, email me. Let’s talk, I’m never above an under the table transaction.

The Common White Girl’s Guide to Risk Taking

I’m a common white girl, and this is my idea of risky behavior:

Ordering a double shot mocha latte with whole milk and giving them my porn star name to label my cup
Opening my sunroof when it’s below 50 degrees
Wearing white afterlabor day
Ordering a carb-filled meal at a restaurant when I’m on a diet
Not brushing my hair
Double dipping
Wearing glasses without a prescription
Photobombing
Eating more than the recommended serving size
Sneaking past security at a concert
Dating an older man
Wearing white to a wedding
Sharing a cup with someone else
Calling my dad to ask how he is with the real intention of asking for money
Only rinsing my hands with water and telling my mom I used soap
Sending the Netflix dvds back a week late
Letting my gas tank get below a quarter of a tank
Wearing mismatching patterns… on purpose
Drinking beer before liquor
Eating the entire footlong meatball sub and demanding to still be considered a lady
Pretending I know about politics
Smoking a cigarette, or eight
Lying about my age
Lying about my weight
Lying about my ethnicity
Lying about my accent
Lying about everything
Leaving my room a mess when I know I have company coming over later
Taking a shower and not moisturizing after
Day drinking on a Wednesday
Leaving a bar tab open
Making racially insensitive jokes under my breath
Drinking a bottle of wine and getting all active on social media
Posting more than one picture a day on Instagram
Calling my parents and telling them I’m pregnant
Calling my parents and telling them I’ve been arrested
Calling my parents and telling them I’m getting married
Calling my parents and then hanging up
Getting drunk and texting everyone in my phone I shouldn’t be texting
Taking an aggressive amount of no filter duckface selfies
Sending a hundred snapchats to everyone I have a crush on
Changing my email signature at work from Office Coordinator to Tupperware Patrol
Wearing glasses and no makeup to work
Spending my lunch hour googling pictures of male celebrities in suits
Daydreaming about all the times P Diddy has changed his name
Doubling down on servings during Bagel Friday
Not confessing to all my sins at church
Swimming directly after I eat lunch

The Common White Girl’s Thoughts On Smiling

Honestly, I don’t really get why people don’t smile more often.

Life isn’t that hard. I put on my designer jeans one leg at a time just like everyone else. I embellish my elegantly tailored satin shirt with a cute, overpriced bubble necklace from J Crew. It compliments the color pallet perfectly.

I look great.

Granted, I won’t be smiling until I’ve had my Starbucks triple shot espresso macchiato with half skim, half regular milk straight from the cow’s udders, but the world could probably perk up a bit before 9am, for my sake at least.

If I’m having a bad day, which is pretty much any day that’s not on the weekend, I like to do therapy. Retail therapy. There is nothing that turns my frown upside down quicker than swiping my father’s credit card and getting a bag full of new outfits I don’t need at all. Because when you look good, you feel good.

I’ve learned that you have to smile through the hard things in order to get through life. One time my aunt gave me a Dolce and Gabbana bag that was clearly fake, clearly ugly, and clearly not my style. But I smiled through the pain of not having real leather to hold my car keys and used the extra cash my parents gave me because it was a Wednesday to go out and buy the new iPhone.

Crisis averted, smile affixed.

When walking down the street in my new Michael Kors bedazzled flats and freshly painted nails, it’s hard to be sad about life. I’ve had my fair share of struggles but I’ve come out the other end of the tunnel victorious. I don’t understand why others don’t adopt my “can-do” attitude.

I actually had to interview for my job. At my father’s company. Working for my father. We went to breakfast and he asked me really tough questions about organizational tactics and people skills, to which I replied, “Have you seen my closet? I color code and arrange my clothing by season, organization is totally my thing!”

Really, I’m a simple girl. I am happiest when I’m driving in my Range Rover SUV, sunroof open, windows down, and sunglasses on my face. Normally, I don’t have anywhere to go, I just like driving. I never take public transportation, people always look miserable on the subway, and frankly, it brings down my mood.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my lunch break and get a massage. I deserve it.

Yeah, I will (not) be there in a minute.

Behold!

Below is a rudimentary list defining and subsequently documenting a myriad of tasks one can accomplish during the following time allocations:

The term for using big words to assert personal dominance over others has yet to be coined. 
In the meantime, feel free to use, 'egotistical overachiever' as an acceptable substitute.

Microwave Minute:

A term used to describe the activities one can accomplish whilst food is in the microwave. Tasks are seemingly endless, and include, but are not limited to, cleaning an entire house, re-tiling a floor, baking a turkey, and/or solving world hunger before coming back to the kitchen and realizing your Lean Cuisine still has thirty seconds before it’s done.

Sleep Minute:

The time it takes you to fall asleep, minus the time you are actually asleep, divided by the time spent knowing that you have to do something important in the morning. Symptoms include waking up thinking it is 3am believing you’ve been asleep for eight hours, just to look at your clock and realize you’re late for work. Alternatively, one can take a nap intended to last twenty sleep minutes, but in turn, accidentally lasts eight hours.

Hot Minute:

What you say to someone when you’re running late, but have no intention of actually taking less than sixty seconds to get your act together and get out the door. You can accomplish almost nothing in a hot minute, but your bottom dollar you’re going to give a fair effort.

Healthcare Minute:

What clinical secretaries give as a standard of measurement to let you know that your healthcare professional will be moving at a glacial pace, and will be with you after he or she has transversed across the entire globe during his or her lunch hour for a delicious sandwich, knowing full well you are a real person with a schedule to maintain, yet at the same time choosing to ignore your civic responsibilities in favor of their own personal satisfactions.

Travel Minute:

Often times, when traveling, you’ll hear the phrase, “Folks, this will just be a minute,” over the loudspeaker. Be aware that this means something is wrong and will most likely make you late for whatever it is you’re planning on attending. You can potentially read an entire novel and write a book report during a travel minute.

New York Minute:

A highly underrated film starring the incomparable tweens of my youth, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, that had absolutely nothing to do with time, but totally worth noting for the fashion sense, sophisticated plotline and dialogue.

Regular Minute:

An actual span of sixty seconds that is virtually non-existent because people like me are lazy and irresponsible, and people like you don’t enforce time constraints and allow me to get away with being late.

The Common White Girl’s Idea of Struggling

Life is an uphill battle, but why toil with the stairs when you can take the elevator to the top?

I’m a common white girl from Connecticut and my idea of a struggle is figuring out how close I need to get to the drive-thru window in order to reach my food without unbuckling my seatbelt.

People tell you from day one to prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. So that’s what I do. But it’s a constant battle with the weather these days. I can’t get anything to go my way. I mean how am I supposed to channel corporate chic when I live in a metaphorical snowglobe and can’t wear heels to work?

Most days I wake up and hope against all odds that my hair picks a side between curly and straight and sticks to it. A lot of times that doesn’t happen, and it makes me really upset. If I knew it was going to be a bad hair day, I would have worn it in a bun initially, instead of wasting all it’s promise on the morning where I slapped myself every time I went to move one perfectly formed tendrel away from my face.

I moved out of my parents house almost two years ago, during that time I attempted to move my dresser up three flights of stairs. Eventually, I just asked my three younger brothers to help me out. I’m a huge advocate of outsourcing labor. Especially when it involves me delegating and not participating.

One time I was so hungover that I called out of work. The struggle was so real. I persevered by taking an inordinate amount of naps on a Wednesday.

There are a lot of aspects of my life that I find particularly difficult. For one, I can never decide which restaurant I want to try first, so I often make a decision based on the wine selections. If they don’t have pinot noir, they are obviously a bootleg establishment, and don’t deserve ~~my parents’~~ my money.

In attempt to not sound completely superficial and unaware of other human beings on this planet, I want to let everyone know that I have read multiple books — well, I sparknoted them — and understand the plight that other races and cultures have experienced through the written word. And boy, does that suck.

But the thing is, I’m not minimizing any of that stuff. I have feelings, thoughts, and values. I am a real person who empathizes with others.

I value shopping and what it does to support the economy. I am absolutely aware that my hard-earned dollars are contributing – in some way that I don’t actually understand – to this country’s health and well-being. I think voting is scary, so I don’t do it because politicians use big words and research is a lot of effort.

I feel like all the problems in the world would be solved if we were all tan and from Florida. You know why you never hear about unrest in Florida? Because everyone is actually resting and enjoying the sun. There’s no time for fighting when you’re living in a perpetual fantasy land. You’re welcome, world.

But growing up privileged does not mean I am immune to adversity. I posted a Facebook update on my whereabouts during my European vacation, and only seven people liked it. I took that as a cue to make a better effort at posting more interesting updates. By the end of my trip, I had almost forty people like my post about, “Putting the ‘Bar’ in Barcelona!” Success.

I do my best to shatter the rich white girl stereotype. Whenever there isn’t an attendant on duty, I’ll wait five minutes before reluctantly pumping my own gas. I also make a point to throw my spare change into the tip donation jars, you know, because every penny counts and I don’t use them anyways.

It’s not all glitz and glamour. I face just as many strifes each week as another person. After a hard day of pretending to work (but going on Pinterest instead), all I need to relax is a goblet of wine and a good television show. It’s times like these that I realize the Gods are smiting me because last week I had no wine on a Tuesday and my Netflix crashed so I was forced to watch the news. I was asleep in my clothes before 8pm. Thanks a lot, technology.

People say it’s a dog eat dog world, but I’ve never witnessed it. I can’t understand why a dog would want to eat another dog, and I don’t really understand why that phrase applies to human nature in the slightest. I’ve never been denied a job opportunity, and constantly look for ways to slide under the radar while still being labeled as “efficient” within my workplace.

I’m just trying to do my best to survive on a reasonable salary while maintaining an active social life and not buying store-brand groceries.

I’m a common white girl and my idea of a struggle is understanding what it means to struggle.

The Grammys: What They Were Really Thinking.

BRB, just going to add ‘Amature Mind Reader’ to my resume real quick.

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You’re welcome.

Yes, yes I will marry you.

Tell the truth, 50% of the time.

where’s my snow day?

If you were watching the weather at all this week, you are aware of the snowstorm that ~~almost~~ happened in Boston.

There were forecasts, predictions, and meteorologists swearing on their grandmother Pearl’s grave that there would be a foot of snow rumbling and tumbling all over Beantown.

Naturally, I thought a snow day was in order.

There I am, all snugged up in my bed, ready for an easy peasy day of working in sweatpants, and I hear my cell phone ring.

This is a sound that no one wants to hear at six am, because it only means that a parking ban has been lifted and it is okay to drive on the roads. And unfortunately, it means I have to go to work.

I walk outside, and there is probably two inches of snow. At most. I am not that great at math, but I know two and twelve are VERY different numbers.

Two babies is manageable, twelve babies is an infant army. Two cookies is dessert, twelve cookies is still delicious, but also a guaranteed stomach ache. Two drinks is a Monday, twelve drinks is a Saturday.

What I’m saying is, the weathermen were wrong. And this is not the first time I’ve planned to be a couch potato and had to wake up and run a marathon. They are just unreliable most of the time.

Being right about 50% of the time is something with which I am particularly familiar. But, I am not a weatherman. I am a mere citizen relying on such information to prepare for my day to day commute.

What would happen if weatherman made predictions in other fields?

Pregnancy: Well, congratulations! Strong possibility for either a boy or a girl at the end of this term. Overnight, expect minimal sleep, and constant discomfort. Conditions are perfect for mood swings, obscure cravings, and swollen feet.

Referees: The momentum of the ball is covering significant ground. Still unsure if it will result in a field goal. Later tonight, fans will temporarily go insane due to a botched call, but look for a return in judgement tonight after a few beers. (There’s a 100% chance that referees are already weathermen due to the fact that they never get anything right.)

Runaway Brides: We’re seeing a pretty big cold front coming in, coupled with a strong set of nerves arising from the east. Keep your tissues and your car keys handy, there is a strong possibility that your bride will be running to a warmer climate at 4pm. #cuffyochick

Angry Spouses: Bad news for anyone who wanted to enjoy a stress-free weekend. Unfortunately, there is no love or happiness forecasted for the next five days. Looks like setting up a tent in the backyard is the only way you’ll catch some sleep.

Award Shows: There are rarely any surprises in this region, so be prepared to witness the same movies winning every single category. Be sure to stick close to your remote control, as you’ll want to change the channel pretty frequently.

Cafeteria Food: Strong possibility for grilled cheese and chicken tenders. Also a large portion of the food will be leftovers from yesterday, or last week. Minimal chance for salads, or anything remotely healthy.

… hey, maybe they’d be more accurate though?

Half and Half

half wit. half wisdom. a whole lot of nonsense.