girls

I Gave All My Friends Breast Implants At My Thirteenth Birthday Party.

You know the saying, “patience is a virtue?” Well, when I was thirteen there was no capacity left in me to endure my flat chested, baby body, and I decided it was time I got boobs.

Now, before you all break out your early millenium spiral corded landlines and dial the DCF hotline to file a ten-years-too-late complaint on my mother, just know that any time you put a bunch of thirteen year old girls around things that resemble boobs, they’re all going to jump at the chance to enhance.

Case and point: At my thirteenth birthday party there were water balloons present. We were all in bathing suits and there was not much going on up top, if you know what I mean. One thing led to another, and all of the sudden there were ten pre-teen girls resembling wet dog versions of Pamela Anderson running around my front yard.

Waterboobloons.

I was thirteen years old, and I couldn’t wait to be sixteen. To get my license, responsibility, and the sacred freedom from my parents to stay out later than 9pm.

When I was sixteen, I couldn’t wait to be eighteen. To be legal and able to buy cigarettes and porn, and pretend I knew about politics. (Aside: I did not buy porn, I wouldn’t even know where to begin in the purchasing process, but the thought seemed scandalous)

When I was eighteen I couldn’t wait to be twenty-one, to have my first (legal) sip of alcohol, to walk into a liquor store with my real ID and not be scared of getting arrested for poorly impersonating my sorority sister from Virginia.

When I was twenty-one, I couldn’t wait to be twenty-five. To.. well, nevermind, I didn’t think anything fun happened after twenty-one, but I just wanted to be grown up and out of college.

Looking back, there are so many instances in life where I couldn’t wait for the future. I had plans, visions, and aspirations for my next milestone. Sure, it’s exciting to think about the car you want to drive when you get your license, or the way you want to celebrate your twenty-first birthday. But in reality, we spend so much time wishing for the future, that we never really enjoy the present.

If there is one thing we can take away from childhood photographs, it is to remember to take each day as it is. If you’re twenty-five waiting for thirty, you’ll miss out on all the opportunities and advantages your twenties have to offer.

Don’t be that thirteen year old girl wishing she was sixteen, then eighteen, then twenty-one. You’ll regret caring so much about your appearance, wasting time, your allowance, and your sanity on clothes that are too expensive and won’t fit in a year.

You’ll eventually get boobs and own as many bras as your little heart desires. You’ll get that womanly shape you see on television, and you’ll critique it just like you do to the women in the magazines.

Don’t wish for things you don’t have. I promise you the girl who actually got boobs in fifth grade cursed her mother’s mammary glands until all her friends caught up to her three years later.

Remember that life is a gift. Cherish it. Revel in it.

Next thing you know you’re twenty-five and are looking at pictures of yourself when you were thirteen wondering why you took growing up so seriously.

And you also hate your boobs.

Dear Girls Of Tomorrow,

I’ve been there before. I’ve made those mistakes. Take my advice: here’s how not to dress.

We live in a digital age. It’s no secret that most things we do eventually end up on the internet. This is awesome for events like New Years Eve, birthday parties, and charity events or functions.

Then there are the events involving a face plant in the street running to catch the late bus that your friend HAD to document.

To put it bluntly, not everyone is photogenic. But that doesn’t give you an excuse to throw common sense out the window with the baby and the bathwater.

What I’m saying is, there’s going to be pictures of you girls circulating the internet for the rest of your lives. You need to take preventative measures to ensure that when you do land your dream job interview, a picture of you in seventh grade wearing a Ronald Regan mask and your grandmother’s bathrobe doesn’t surface during the process.

So you should not do any of these things before or during taking a picture that will represent you for the rest of your life at that age, and your friends and family will also see it and that is how they will remember you forever.

2nd Grade

A general rule of thumb is to not wear your grandmother’s tablecloth when taking a photo.

A nice pink embroidered doily collar may seem cutesy and innocent, but in reality it will only make your co-workers and peers question whether or not your mother took outfits off your life-sized Raggedy Ann doll and dressed you in them in an effort to save money.

Also a good thing to remember is to not do dangerous activities before a known photo-op. Going on a two-wheel bike adventure when you aren’t the most confident rider isn’t the type of activity you want to roll into when your third grade yearbook photo is right around the corner.

3rd Grade

If you’re just too adventurous and crazy to avoid indulging in extreme sports, you’ll inevitably be the girl wearing long underwear because you can’t fit regular sleeves over your cast.

REMEMBER: THERE ARE ALWAYS RETAKES. ALWAYS.

Borrowing argyle sweater vests from your youngest brother is not only frowned upon, but in some countries it’s illegal. I don’t care how flawless your hair looks that day, or if you were an ombre pioneer before ombre was a ‘thing,’ you do not need clothes that badly that you resort to rummaging through your brother’s drawers to find an outfit.

4th Grade

(But I mean look at that blonde to light blonde fade, it’s totally magnificent, right?)

Make sure your shirts fit you.

A good way to determine if a shirt fits is by making sure it is not two sizes bigger than every other shirt you own. Or that is not your mom’s.

5th Grade

Don’t wear choker necklaces, even if that dangly bead in the middle is the most jaw-dropping plastic gemstone you own, and it makes Rose’s sapphire necklace from Titanic pale in comparison.

Seriously, don’t get bangs in puberty.

I don’t care if they look great on Sabrina, the cool girl, you will ultimately end up gluing them to your scalp with a can of Rave hairspray every morning and consequently looking more like a guido-gremlin hybrid than a fifth grade girl.

Oh yeah… and braces. There are no rules about braces except that it’s required to change the rubber band colors to coordinate with the holidays.

Don’t set the tone for your middle school reputation by wearing a floral v-neck from Limited Too.

6th Grade

Also, practice your smile extensively before taking any pictures.

Photographs aren’t forgiving – neither are parents when it comes to allowing you to hang out with their children.

Creepy smiles will not get you very far. It definitely won’t get you a babysitting job.

Puberty is the worst time in your life. Try and make the best of it.

7th Grade

Wearing half-turtle neck argyle sweaters is not a way to make the best of it. At the very least, if you’re going to do it, commit to a full neck or at least a scarf.

It’s imperative that you never, ever let your mother attempt to tame your pubescent mane by straightening it with a curling iron. You will end up with tresses shaped like a voluminous frizz triangle and have people asking if someone rubbed a balloon on the back of your head to create static electricity.

Wearing your hair in a half-up, half-down fashion is completely acceptable, if done correctly.

8th Grade

Wearing half of your hair in a bun from gym class and the other half down as the remnants of last night’s botched straightening job is a big, big no no no nononononoNO.

Plus, wearing a collared shirt with a lace-up neckline is one step shy of actually going cookoo for Coco Puffs.

And again, with the smile. Please, for the love of God, practice your smile.

Avoid shopping at Aeropostale, Wet Seal, or Rave.

9th Grade

Don’t take two tiny tresses located at the widow’s peak section of your hairline and wear them in a bang-like, accessory fashion, not pulling them into your ponytail or headband.

You will regret this. Mostly because you will slightly resemble a dinosaur.

Last, but definitely not least, if your friends ever tell you it’s okay to take sweatshirts from lost and found and parade around claiming them as your own, please ignore them and immediately question their intelligence.

By not doing these things, and following my instructions, strangers will not have to wonder – even just a little bit – if you grew to develop an odd affinity for fedoras or played the tambourine in a traveling band.

Ultimately, fashion consciousness is not always second nature with every girl, clearly it wasn’t my strong point. At the end of the day, if you don’t do or wear what makes you happy, you’re missing out on a lot of what life has to offer. Do what you love, and wear what you want.

Unless it’s a lace up, argyle, v-neck polo. Please, please, please avoid those.

UP NEXT: How to NOT apply make-up.

Love,

Meg (President of the Late Bloomers)

Treat Emotions Like Beer, Bottle Them up.

brothers.

Although my parents would characterize my seemingly regular childhood temper tantrums as a pretty aggressive display of emotion, outside of demanding extra dessert and slapping my brothers for ripping the heads off my barbies, I’ve never been great at expressing my feelings.

Maybe it was because I grew up with three younger brothers. As the oldest of four, and the only girl, I never really had a model for how to act. My mother and I, although very close, are very different when it comes to personality.

Needless to say, if you’re going to survive eighteen years in the midst of a male dominated household, you have to learn how to protect yourself in emotional combat. Aside from the regular physical battles, the way brothers really get to you is by finding your mental weaknesses, and attacking when you least expect it.

Growing up with brothers teaches you not to dwell on little things, to stand up for yourself, and how to be competitive. But it also, unintentionally, leads you towards the masculine side of the emotional spectrum; so instead of saying how you feel in the moment, you retreat and don’t talk about it.

When you hang out with boys all the time, you learn that they would rather give you a beer than sit and listen to your problems.

friends.

Because nothing makes guys more uncomfortable than when a girl just unloads all her personal crap on them. Especially if it’s during a football game or when you’re out at a bar. When you have a “girl day,” you learn to drink a beer and deal with it later.

This works well until you realize you are in college and have not sustained one real or lasting relationship during your lifetime. If someone wanted to date me, I was either unaware or uninterested, because if it meant talking about feelings and being vulnerable, I didn’t want any part of it.

Everyone puts up walls for different reasons. Personally, the initial thought of letting someone in that you barely know is daunting. The act of sharing secrets, opening doors to your past, and exposing yourself, metaphorically, to another person for the sake of a connection is terrifying.

At the same time, while a little mystery is a good thing, there needs to be a dichotomy between the two people in a relationship to make it work. Eventually you will have to let your guard down.

Recently, there have been an overwhelming amount of circumstances that formidably illustrate my inability to give up control over certain aspects of my life. Whether it be attending a friend’s wedding, my parent’s thirtieth anniversary, or my most recent breakup, I have come to the brutal realization that I need to step outside my comfort zone in order to foster a meaningful connection with someone.

I’ve had my fair share of crazy experiences: skydiving, bungee jumping, one time I even ate cat food. But the tangible part of being afraid is much more desirable than emotionally freefalling into unknown territory. I mean at least after skydiving I got a sticker telling me I did a good job not dying.

Thinking about the craziest thing I’ve ever done, I immediately remember how terrified I was to actually commit to it. Picking up and moving to a new city, alone, without a job or any financial support other than my own was the single most daunting event in my life. But looking back on the past year and a half, knowing where I am now, the reward was totally worth the struggle.

At the end of the day, no one can make you take that leap other than yourself. Outside influences, supportive or not, have no weight compared to what your gut tells you to do. Knowing that personal reflection and a willingness to change are attributes I admire in someone, it only makes sense that I try and develop them.

My twenty-fifth birthday is only a few weeks away. I’m not entirely positive if it is the looming “quarter-century” age label weighing on my conscious, or just the stark reality that I’m resisting a change I know I need to make, but either way, it’s scary as all hell knowing that being vulnerable is something that is not only expected, but appreciated in lasting relationships.

I guess I’ll just have to be twenty-five and terrified.

I just hope someone gives me a sticker on my thirtieth birthday. I need to know I did a good job not dying.

Sixteen Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Sixteen

I’m going to let you in on a few secrets. It might make your life a little easier.

But I also know you don’t listen, so this will probably fall on deaf ears.

Right now, you’re in a bubble. You are comfortable. You’ve been in the same place for your entire life. But there are things you need to know. It’s important to understand that when you grow up, your perspectives on things change.

You’re going to be mature as hell.

So stop spending so much time worrying about what other people think of you. High school is only temporary, and you’re only going to keep in touch with about seven people after you graduate. These four years of your life are nothing compared to the time you’re going to spend after college with new friends who are with you through the actual hard stuff.

You should still take care of your appearance. No one looks put together when they come to school wearing their brother’s sweatpants. Waking up ten minutes before you have to leave is only acceptable if you’re an infant and can’t set an alarm clock.

Put on some jeans and some mascara and look like you actually care about being alive. Dead people kind of tend to emit this “don’t come near me” radar, and it’s pretty powerful.

Don’t drive like an idiot. But also don’t drive like a senior citizen. Find a balance somewhere between a glacial pace and road rage and get comfortable. Always use your turn signals, and never call it a traffic circle. It’s a rotary.

Eat whatever you want. Just stop when you’re full. Moderation is the only way to keep yourself sane.

People go apeshit when they stop eating chocolate. And no, eating six mini-Kit Kats does not equal eating one regular sized Kit Kat. Candy math is not a valid reason for overindulgence.

Please stop complaining about how hard your life is. It’s difficult to take you seriously when you drive a Jeep Wrangler and have an inground swimming pool. Get a job.

Slap yourself in the face whenever you use the term ‘literally’ and you’re not talking about something that is actually going on in that precise moment. Do not say you are literally going insane, unless you want to be committed to a mental institution. This will save you from looking stupid.

Stop saying ‘like’. It’s really annoying and it makes you sound like Cher from Clueless, except, Paul Rudd will not like you.

Organized dances are overrated. Spend less money on your prom dress and more money on making sure your hair doesn’t look like an afro. Highlights are encouraged; a straightener is required.

Start to take more emotional risks. Closing yourself off will only leave you feeling left out when everyone else has found someone to share their lives with. Figure out what you want and go for it. Not everything is handed to you.

Rejection only hurts a little. And wine is the cure for all sorts of emotional bruises.

Save your money. You will eventually want to move out. You will not want to bring your poster of The Jonas Brothers to your first apartment. Buy some art. And maybe a comforter that doesn’t scream, “I threw up pink.”

Stop being rude to your mother. Understand that she’s been where you are and is just trying to help. She also is completely justified to ground you when you sneak out, drink underage, come home late, or don’t call. Avoid all this by communicating with her. It will be so much easier.

Your father is pretty cool. Sit down and talk to him; he will make you laugh. A lot of your weird tendencies and comedic attributes come from him anyways. You don’t spend enough time with him, and you will regret that.

You might dislike your brothers. Sorry to say it, but you will still get pissed off at them later in life. They are boys. They do not think. Stop holding grudges and get over it. You’re stuck with them forever, may as well make the best of it. (Sidenote: you will end up being good friends, just wait it out.)

Don’t take life too seriously. You’re not here for very long.

For what it’s worth, you turned out okay. You grew up, you moved out, and made your life interesting.

The Common White Girl’s Thoughts On Smiling

Honestly, I don’t really get why people don’t smile more often.

Life isn’t that hard. I put on my designer jeans one leg at a time just like everyone else. I embellish my elegantly tailored satin shirt with a cute, overpriced bubble necklace from J Crew. It compliments the color pallet perfectly.

I look great.

Granted, I won’t be smiling until I’ve had my Starbucks triple shot espresso macchiato with half skim, half regular milk straight from the cow’s udders, but the world could probably perk up a bit before 9am, for my sake at least.

If I’m having a bad day, which is pretty much any day that’s not on the weekend, I like to do therapy. Retail therapy. There is nothing that turns my frown upside down quicker than swiping my father’s credit card and getting a bag full of new outfits I don’t need at all. Because when you look good, you feel good.

I’ve learned that you have to smile through the hard things in order to get through life. One time my aunt gave me a Dolce and Gabbana bag that was clearly fake, clearly ugly, and clearly not my style. But I smiled through the pain of not having real leather to hold my car keys and used the extra cash my parents gave me because it was a Wednesday to go out and buy the new iPhone.

Crisis averted, smile affixed.

When walking down the street in my new Michael Kors bedazzled flats and freshly painted nails, it’s hard to be sad about life. I’ve had my fair share of struggles but I’ve come out the other end of the tunnel victorious. I don’t understand why others don’t adopt my “can-do” attitude.

I actually had to interview for my job. At my father’s company. Working for my father. We went to breakfast and he asked me really tough questions about organizational tactics and people skills, to which I replied, “Have you seen my closet? I color code and arrange my clothing by season, organization is totally my thing!”

Really, I’m a simple girl. I am happiest when I’m driving in my Range Rover SUV, sunroof open, windows down, and sunglasses on my face. Normally, I don’t have anywhere to go, I just like driving. I never take public transportation, people always look miserable on the subway, and frankly, it brings down my mood.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my lunch break and get a massage. I deserve it.

The Girls’ Guide to Packing for a Trip

We the people women, in order to enjoy the most perfect excursion, establish justice, make good fashion choices, ensure domestic tranquility, peace of mind, and provide sanity of our peers, must follow the following set of rules when determining which outfits to bring forth on said trip:

Article 1: Overpack

Are you going away for a night, two days, tops? You should most definitely put enough outfits for a week long excursion through Europe. A general rule of thumb: if you have too many outfits in your suitcase, you don’t have enough outfits in your suitcase.

Article 2: Bring Things You Never Intend To Wear

For example, if you plan on going skiing, it’s a good idea to pack a Hula skirt. As women, we tend to fantasize that our decorative costume attire will somehow serve a purpose on our future vacation trips. That, or we like to think that our drunk purchase of a $88 genuine, handcrafted, bamboo hula skirt freshly made by a nice Caribbean man named Peter during Spring Break ’09 wasn’t a complete and total waste of money.

Article 3: Always Pack A Bathing Suit

Point blank, you just never know when there will be a hot tub or an indoor pool. You do not want to be that girl who has to wear some boy’s boxers and the sports bra you brought for sleeping because you were too lazy to stuff two small pieces of fabric into your underwear pocket.

Article 4: Forget Something Important

Toothbrush. Tampons. Make Up. Anything that requires an annoying, necessary, extra trip after an extensive journey is encouraged. You will spend so much time planning your attire for the exterior of your body, you’ll completely forget that you need to adhere to that mondo pimple conveniently located on your forehead, or making sure you’ve supplied yourself with an instrument to ensure your breath doesn’t smell like taquitos and Cabernet each morning.

Article 5: Rely On Friends For Outfit Adjustments

You’ve packed an entire suitcase, but the second everyone does the, “3, 2, 1, UNZIP!” suitcase challenge, it’s a mad dash wardrobe buffet. You brought your favorite outfits, heels that make your legs look awesome, and the dress that makes you look so hot even on a fat day. Yet, you are going to throw all that into the wind and contemplate thoroughly about the kind of lubricant involved in order to fit into your best friend’s size two pants even though you haven’t been that small since sixth grade.

Article 6: Don’t Skimp on Hair Products

If there is one thing that is certain, that is that you don’t know how your hair will react outside its element. You may have a shower sent straight from Jesus himself, but that means nothing when it comes to your hair being outside its natural habitat. Go to CVS, stock up on all the travel bottles and sprays you can fit into that annoying clear plastic bag, and be prepared. There will always be pictures, and frizz looks good on nobody, not even Beyonce.

Article 7: Conveniently Avoid Looking at the Weather

You could be attending your best friends wedding in South Carolina in May. Instinctively, you will equate below the Mason Dixon line with warmth, you will pack accordingly, and get off the plan with shorts and tshirt and a slap in the face from 45 degrees. Please refer to Article 4 where you will forget something important, ie: a jacket, sweatshirt, or your general ability to use a computer and navigate the internet to determine the temperature of your destination.

On March 19, 2014, The Coalition of Women in the World hereby decree that said rules constitute the process of packing for a trip. Failure to comply with the above stated rules and regulations will result in the fact that you are either a male, a mother, or a generally organized human being.

Why Girls Buy Other Girls Drinks

Because they’re bored
Because it’s 5pm
Because it’s 9pm
Because it’s last call
Because it’s happy hour
Because there are jello shots
Because there is Fireball
Because, “You’re just, like, my best friend and I love you, so much. Like really. To the moon and back, girlfran.”
Because it’s my turn
Because it’s their turn
Because she’s new to the group
Because she’s not in the group
Because she’s a better wingwoman when she’s drunk
Because she took one for the team
Because she needs it
Because I need it
Because it will make us dance
Because I’m an enabler
Because we’re easily persuaded
Because you know she won’t say no
Because she got promoted
Because we got fired
Because we’re single
Because her boyfriend is gone
Because we got dumped
Because we dumped someone
Because it’s a holiday
Because we’re on vacation
Because tropical drinks will make you think you’re on vacation
Because she’s not pregnant
Because there’s a snowstorm
Because we’re hungover
Because it’s cold outside and drinks make us warm
Because it’s pay day
Because we’re the only people at the bar
Because my job sucks
Because our feet hurt
Because, “You look like you need a drink.”
Because we look good
Because we feel like shit
Because when we don’t eat dinner we get drunk faster
Because wine is good for our heart
Because, “WE NEED TO CHEERS!”
Because we need to toast to random events
Because we need to look interesting
Because I showered today
Because I need to ask you something important and/or horrible
Because I’m going to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do but will do it anyways cause I bought you that drink in your hand
Because you got a haircut
Because it’s Sunday Funday
Because it’s brunch
Because it’s an open bar and I’m not really buying it
Because it’s relaxing
Because I had a bad day at work
Because you had a great day at work
Because you got laid
Because we’re trying to get laid
Because it’s a weekday
Because it’s the weekend
Because I need to unwind
Because any excuse to buy a drink is a good excuse to buy a drink

A preview of my weekend….

pretty much.

So, my friends and I are going to Foxwoods Casino this weekend. We’re seeing comedian, Amy Schumer, and maybe we’ll gamble. I’ve heard that’s what the regulars do in casinos. It will be the first time we’ve reunited in years – as well as it being my first time in a casino… ever. These girls were a huge part of my middle and high school life, and I experienced a lot – I mean a lot – with them.

This photo is exactly how I imagine things will go down. Bless our souls. Updates to follow.

xoxo, Meg

PS – How do I gamble? Should I have learned that before hand?

Not one, but five #BFFs

I don’t think you learn just one thing from your best friends, but a multitude of things.

It is impossible to put into words how important and instrumental these five women were in helping shape who I am today. There is something about the longevity of our friendship that is perplexing – because normally, putting five girls in a room together would almost always result in a sacrifice, sabotage, or slander – but we’ve made it past the point of petty arguments and low blows. We’ve survived, endured, and sustained.

I am lucky in the fact that I’ve had the same group of friends from third grade. We are all still close. Our friendship has encompassed the majority of my life, spanning twelve or more years, and continues to, for a lack of a better word, mature.

They were all there when I felt like complete shit. They all witnessed the most defining moments of my life. The all have helped me change, grow, and flourish.

Friends leave an imprint on your soul that no family member or significant other can replicate. You become part of each other whether you want to or not. I constantly find myself embodying little quirks that are only explained by going back to a mall, beach, high school party, concert, or a parking lot on my eighteenth birthday.

And then, there are just some things I do that cannot be explained by anyone or anything, and I don’t really know how to feel about it quite yet.

My friend Jocelyn is an acrobat and should be in the circus. I mean this in the best way possible. I swear to God this girl has more things on her plate than a professional eater. Yet, she always makes it look effortless. Her myriad of commitments span most of her weekdays, consume her weekends, and leave little time for sleep. Yet she is always the first one to pick up the phone and call me – just because she has time. She has taught me that there is a way to juggle all the things you need to have in life, and to do it with a good heart and good intentions.

Then there is Sam, who has, for the entire time I’ve known her, taught me to never compromise on anything. There is someone out there for you; it just may not be right now. They are called standards for a reason, and if we didn’t have them, the world would be a bunch of monkeys dressed in suits trying to steal your banana on the way to work. Go for the job you want, but start with the job you need. Always have a goal that you want to achieve because it’s the only way you’ll better yourself. Don’t change yourself for anyone or anything.

Katie is the most accomplished, and the one who has done everything first. She has consistently shown what it means to be an independent, self-sufficient, and completely reliable woman. Following your heart is a suggestion, using intuition is a requirement. It is possible to be truly happy, healthy, and successful in your mid-twenties. She is the perfect example of what it looks like to follow your heart, and still be able to live out your dreams.

Megan is living proof that beauty and brains can coexist – and not in the superficial, compliment seeking way. Staying grounded is the key to figuring out what you want in life, not just settling for what you can get. It’s a skill to fight through hardships, both familial and relational, and to do it with grace and sophistication. Some people grow up too fast, but in some instances, it’s a blessing that allows you to understand loyalty, devotion, and selflessness. Phrasing this in the best way that I can: I know that this girl would do some absolutely terrible things to keep her loved ones safe – and you cannot teach that.

Through all my terrible clothing choices, Julie has taught me how to find what works and make it your own. It may not be the most fabulous shirt on the planet, but if you pair it with the right accessory, anything can look stunning. Fashion intuition cannot be taught – and it’s something I do not take for granted in a friend. You need someone to tell you when your slouchy boots make you look like a homeless Pocahontas, as well as someone to verify that scarves are acceptable and encouraged year round, and boot season is something to be cherished, worshiped, and never overlooked.

LlamaLoveAlways.

Sure, there people that I’ve known longer than these girls, but none of them have taught me anything remotely as valuable as them. Five is always better than one. I think math taught me that. I’ve learned how to create my own style, live life to the fullest, never compromise, find balance within the chaos, and to fight for what you want. These are lessons that are so simple, yet so many people go about their lives without ever truly learning them.

I want to personally thank Megan, Jocelyn, Sam, Katie, and Julie for growing up with me, dealing with me, molding me, helping me, and above all, being friends with me. Without you, I would not be who I am today.

I love you betches.

…

The Girls of New Years Eve

Ah, a new year is upon us…

…and the inevitable overflow of teenage to mid-twenty-year-old girls galavanting through Forever21 to find the “perfect NYE outfit.”

At twenty-four, I’ve seen my fair share of New Years Eve bashes. From clubs in the city to low key house parties, I’ve gathered an array of knowledge to help you become educated in the types of women you will encounter during your celebrations tonight.

Wherever you end up tonight, know that there is always some high-caliber people watching available to you during the festivities. So, in honor of ringing in the new year, I present to you…

(I may or may not be speaking from experience and have been each of these girls before.)

~~Don’t quote me on that.~~

The List of Girls You Meet on New Years Eve:

The Girl Who Doesn’t Make It To Midnight:

Classic narcolepsy on New Years Eve. You will find this girl in a corner, on a couch, or standing up with her eyes closed. She tried so hard to make it to midnight, but the little sleep gremlin got her before the new year did. Sigh. I don’t really know how you can recover from not seeing the ball drop. That’s gotta really wear on your conscience.

The Girl Who Is Over Dressed:

Regardless if you’re at a bar or at a house party, there’s going to be one girl who ultimately looks like she is supposed to be going to prom, but ended up hanging out with you instead. She got her hair done that day, has heels high enough to stand at eye level with Paul Bunyan, and her dress is either painted on, or is one step away from becoming a crop top in January.

The Girl Who Won’t Stop Dancing:

Rap? Pop? Reggae? Slow Jams? NPR? It does not matter. This girl has dance moves that complement every type of music. She’ll ballroom dance and ballet pirouette all over the place to Frank Sinatra then segue right into a twerking frenzy when Miley Cyrus comes on. She is constantly trying to ‘get the party started’ and can be seen doing multiple hair flips and ‘WOOHOOO!s’ per song. She could care less about being in a New York City club or in your mother’s dining room, the dance must go on.

The Girl With No Shoes:

Ever seen a newborn deer? Ever watched a puppy run on a wood floor? That is what this girl looks like whilst walking. She never learned how to walk in heels, and after ten minutes of standing, will take them off and spend the rest of the night barefoot constantly on the verge of stepping on glass. She doesn’t care though, and you shouldn’t either.

The Girl Nobody Knows:

This girl may be a friend of a friend. Or she may have just showed up off the street. Either way, no one knows who she is. No one ever introduces her, and so the mystery remains. You go mystery girl, keep the guessing game going.

The Girl Who Lost Her Cell Phone/Purse/Life:

The perfect kodak moment comes along and she has misplaced her camera. For some reason, at that moment, she realizes cannot find any of her other belongings. Chaos ensues. The party HAS to stop and everyone becomes the FBI and secret service with metal detectors and blacklights looking for the phantom iPhone and the elusive Marc Jacobs that’s hidden in the cereal cabinet. Hint: She actually rationalized hiding her purse in the cabinet so she would ‘remember it later.’

The Girl Who Is Crying:

Is she sad 2013 is over? Is she overjoyed with emotion after watching the beauty and wonderment of the giant silver ball drop? Did her goldfish die? Did she break a nail? Does she not know where she is? Nobody knows why she’s crying. You can try and ask her questions to get to the bottom of it, but your detective skills are null and void because this girl doesn’t even know the reason for her tear duct secretions.

…

I can’t tell you how to cope with these girls. I can only give you the facts. Above all, New Years Eve is a time to celebrate with good friends and welcome a new year together. As always, be safe and have a great night!

Peace out, 2013, IT’S BEEN REAL!

❤ Meg

2nd Annual Blog New Year’s Eve Party (onthehomefrontandbeyond.wordpress.com)
New Year’s Eve: Party Style (thelastolive.net)
The great New Year’s Eve fashion debate: Flats or heels? (metro.co.uk)