Apparently You’re Not Allowed To Wear Prom Dresses To Prom, So Here’s A List Of Alternative Formalwear

Humans (and unwanted robots) of the Internet, I’ve decided to break my blog silence in the name of something so sacred its legacy cannot, and will not be tarnished under my watch. Yes world, I’m obviously talking about prom. 

Sorry dudes, dresses are the biggest and best part about prom.  You spend hours, days, and weeks searching for the perfect one. You get in verbal threatening altercations with your friends so that they don’t wear the same one as you. It’s pretty effing serious.  But, in case anyone hasn’t paid attention to female body part taboos over the course of the world’s development, there are certain things that are like totally unacceptable to show in public.

Ladies, put your boobs away, pull up your pants and cover your ass (literally), and Goddamnit, HIDE YOUR BACKS!

There’s a reason for my anger. This is in the news today. A girl got sent home from prom for wearing this dress.

(Click the picture for more information about why the world is going to implode within the next ten years.)

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AHHH! The horror!

My eyes! Honestly, the world is going downhill so fast. If this is the type of thing high school girls are being told not to wear, they’re going to need some serious council on what is and is not acceptable.  Because Forever 21 and all the store that every girl in the world shops at are going out of business. You heard it here first.

So that’s where I come in, with my expert fashion advice and willingness to stir up controversy in the name of glitter and fabulous shoes.

Here is my list of things you can wear to prom INSTEAD of prom dresses: 

Bed sheet/Blanket

Think classic ghost on Halloween costume. Nothing gets more body coverage than something that you wrap yourself in to turn into a human burrito every night in order to sleep. I’m sure a queen will do, but we’re talking about prom in 2015, so I’m going to advise a king.

Paper bag.

And make sure it’s not plastic, too see through and environmentally damaging that you’ll have more than just the principal in your business, you’ll have the EPA calling your ass suing you for not going green and condemn you to a life of indefinitely shopping at Whole Foods while wearing Birkenstocks.

Graduation gown.

Priest chic is so hot right now, ankles are becoming sexy and suddenly wrists are the newest thing to accesorize. If you don’t have one, a black sheet will do, I guess.

XXXL Sweatshirt. 

Nothing says gorgeous like an oversized sweatshirt. It’s like everyone is preaching that women are flawless and woke up like this, so give them a taste of their own medicine by literally waking up, raiding a linebacker’s closet and walking into prom like you own the place.

Cardboard box.

More sturdy that the paper bag, because God forbid there be any sort of grinding or dancing going on. A box will ensure that you will not be touched our asked to dance the entire time you’re there. It also totally gives off a “no date required because I hate everyone” kind of vibe.

What would YOU recommend that high schoolers wear to prom? Do you think that society is taking things too seriously? Is anyone listening to me?

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Sixteen Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Sixteen

110_1005991425174_1486_nI’m going to let you in on a few secrets.  It might make your life a little easier.

But I also know you don’t listen, so this will probably fall on deaf ears.

Right now, you’re in a bubble.  You are comfortable. You’ve been in the same place for your entire life.  But there are things you need to know.  It’s important to understand that when you grow up, your perspectives on things change.

You’re going to be mature as hell.

So stop spending so much time worrying about what other people think of you.  High school is only temporary, and you’re only going to keep in touch with about seven people after you graduate.  These four years of your life are nothing compared to the time you’re going to spend after college with new friends who are with you through the actual hard stuff.

You should still take care of your appearance.  No one looks put together when they come to school wearing their brother’s sweatpants.  Waking up ten minutes before you have to leave is only acceptable if you’re an infant and can’t set an alarm clock.

Put on some jeans and some mascara and look like you actually care about being alive. Dead people kind of tend to emit this “don’t come near me” radar, and it’s pretty powerful.

Don’t drive like an idiot.  But also don’t drive like a senior citizen.  Find a balance somewhere between a glacial pace and road rage and get comfortable.  Always use your turn signals, and never call it a traffic circle.  It’s a rotary.

Eat whatever you want.  Just stop when you’re full.  Moderation is the only way to keep yourself sane.

People go apeshit when they stop eating chocolate.  And no, eating six mini-Kit Kats does not equal eating one regular sized Kit Kat.  Candy math is not a valid reason for overindulgence.

Please stop complaining about how hard your life is.  It’s difficult to take you seriously when you drive a Jeep Wrangler and have an inground swimming pool.  Get a job.

Slap yourself in the face whenever you use the term ‘literally’ and you’re not talking about something that is actually going on in that precise moment.  Do not say you are literally going insane, unless you want to be committed to a mental institution.  This will save you from looking stupid.

Stop saying ‘like’.  It’s really annoying and it makes you sound like Cher from Clueless, except, Paul Rudd will not like you.

Organized dances are overrated.  Spend less money on your prom dress and more money on making sure your hair doesn’t look like an afro.  Highlights are encouraged; a straightener is required.

Start to take more emotional risks.  Closing yourself off will only leave you feeling left out when everyone else has found someone to share their lives with. Figure out what you want and go for it.  Not everything is handed to you.

Rejection only hurts a little.  And wine is the cure for all sorts of emotional bruises.

Save your money.  You will eventually want to move out.  You will not want to bring your poster of The Jonas Brothers to your first apartment.  Buy some art.  And maybe a comforter that doesn’t scream, “I threw up pink.”

Stop being rude to your mother.  Understand that she’s been where you are and is just trying to help.  She also is completely justified to ground you when you sneak out, drink underage, come home late, or don’t call.  Avoid all this by communicating with her.  It will be so much easier.

Your father is pretty cool.  Sit down and talk to him; he will make you laugh.  A lot of your weird tendencies and comedic attributes come from him anyways. You don’t spend enough time with him, and you will regret that.

You might dislike your brothers.  Sorry to say it, but you will still get pissed off at them later in life.  They are boys. They do not think.  Stop holding grudges and get over it.  You’re stuck with them forever, may as well make the best of it.  (Sidenote: you will end up being good friends, just wait it out.)

Don’t take life too seriously.  You’re not here for very long.

For what it’s worth, you turned out okay.  You grew up, you moved out, and made your life interesting.