Humans (and unwanted robots) of the Internet, I’ve decided to break my blog silence in the name of something so sacred its legacy cannot, and will not be tarnished under my watch. Yes world, I’m obviously talking about prom. 

Sorry dudes, dresses are the biggest and best part about prom.  You spend hours, days, and weeks searching for the perfect one. You get in verbal threatening altercations with your friends so that they don’t wear the same one as you. It’s pretty effing serious.  But, in case anyone hasn’t paid attention to female body part taboos over the course of the world’s development, there are certain things that are like totally unacceptable to show in public.

Ladies, put your boobs away, pull up your pants and cover your ass (literally), and Goddamnit, HIDE YOUR BACKS!

There’s a reason for my anger. This is in the news today. A girl got sent home from prom for wearing this dress.

(Click the picture for more information about why the world is going to implode within the next ten years.)

My eyes! Honestly, the world is going downhill so fast. If this is the type of thing high school girls are being told not to wear, they’re going to need some serious council on what is and is not acceptable.  Because Forever 21 and all the store that every girl in the world shops at are going out of business. You heard it here first.

So that’s where I come in, with my expert fashion advice and willingness to stir up controversy in the name of glitter and fabulous shoes.

Here is my list of things you can wear to prom INSTEAD of prom dresses: 

Bed sheet/Blanket

Think classic ghost on Halloween costume. Nothing gets more body coverage than something that you wrap yourself in to turn into a human burrito every night in order to sleep. I’m sure a queen will do, but we’re talking about prom in 2015, so I’m going to advise a king.

Paper bag.

And make sure it’s not plastic, too see through and environmentally damaging that you’ll have more than just the principal in your business, you’ll have the EPA calling your ass suing you for not going green and condemn you to a life of indefinitely shopping at Whole Foods while wearing Birkenstocks.

Graduation gown.

Priest chic is so hot right now, ankles are becoming sexy and suddenly wrists are the newest thing to accesorize. If you don’t have one, a black sheet will do, I guess.

XXXL Sweatshirt. 

Nothing says gorgeous like an oversized sweatshirt. It’s like everyone is preaching that women are flawless and woke up like this, so give them a taste of their own medicine by literally waking up, raiding a linebacker’s closet and walking into prom like you own the place.

Cardboard box.

More sturdy that the paper bag, because God forbid there be any sort of grinding or dancing going on. A box will ensure that you will not be touched our asked to dance the entire time you’re there. It also totally gives off a “no date required because I hate everyone” kind of vibe.

…

What would YOU recommend that high schoolers wear to prom? Do you think that society is taking things too seriously? Is anyone listening to me?