I Gave All My Friends Breast Implants At My Thirteenth Birthday Party.

You know the saying, “patience is a virtue?”  Well, when I was thirteen there was no capacity left in me to endure my flat chested, baby body, and I decided it was time I got boobs. 

Now, before you all break out your early millenium spiral corded landlines and dial the DCF hotline to file a ten-years-too-late complaint on my mother, just know that any time you put a bunch of thirteen year old girls around things that resemble boobs, they’re all going to jump at the chance to enhance.

Case and point: At my thirteenth birthday party there were water balloons present.  We were all in bathing suits and there was not much going on up top, if you know what I mean. One thing led to another, and all of the sudden there were ten pre-teen girls resembling wet dog versions of Pamela Anderson running around my front yard.

Waterboobloons.

Waterboobloons.

I was thirteen years old, and I couldn’t wait to be sixteen.  To get my license, responsibility, and the sacred freedom from my parents to stay out later than 9pm.

When I was sixteen, I couldn’t wait to be eighteen.  To be legal and able to buy cigarettes and porn, and pretend I knew about politics.  (Aside: I did not buy porn, I wouldn’t even know where to begin in the purchasing process, but the thought seemed scandalous) 

When I was eighteen I couldn’t wait to be twenty-one, to have my first (legal) sip of alcohol, to walk into a liquor store with my real ID and not be scared of getting arrested for poorly impersonating my sorority sister from Virginia.

When I was twenty-one, I couldn’t wait to be twenty-five.  To.. well, nevermind, I didn’t think anything fun happened after twenty-one, but I just wanted to be grown up and out of college.

Looking back, there are so many instances in life where I couldn’t wait for the future.  I had plans, visions, and aspirations for my next milestone.  Sure, it’s exciting to think about the car you want to drive when you get your license, or the way you want to celebrate your twenty-first birthday.  But in reality, we spend so much time wishing for the future, that we never really enjoy the present.

If there is one thing we can take away from childhood photographs, it is to remember to take each day as it is.  If you’re twenty-five waiting for thirty, you’ll miss out on all the opportunities and advantages your twenties have to offer.

Don’t be that thirteen year old girl wishing she was sixteen, then eighteen, then twenty-one. You’ll regret caring so much about your appearance, wasting time, your allowance, and your sanity on clothes that are too expensive and won’t fit in a year.

You’ll eventually get boobs and own as many bras as your little heart desires.  You’ll get that womanly shape you see on television, and you’ll critique it just like you do to the women in the magazines.

Don’t wish for things you don’t have.  I promise you the girl who actually got boobs in fifth grade cursed her mother’s mammary glands until all her friends caught up to her three years later.

Remember that life is a gift.  Cherish it.  Revel in it.

Next thing you know you’re twenty-five and are looking at pictures of yourself when you were thirteen wondering why you took growing up so seriously.

And you also hate your boobs. 

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I’m Too Sexy for This Shirt

You heard me.  I’m just too sexy for it.

Actually, this shirt is too sexy for me.

Have a hangover?  Slap on this vintage, limited edition XXL 2002 Jingle Ball long sleeve shirt and perk your brain right up.  No headaches, just happiness.

Feeling downtrodden?  Not with this fabulous fabric chest piece complete with an intertwined embrace featuring none other than pop superstars, Destiny’s Child.

Don’t have a fashion sense?  Not a problem, because Avril Lavigne is on the back sporting polarized yellow aviators, so you know you’re not the worst looking one in the room.

Forgot about Ja Rule?  Never again, because he’s featured on the front AND the back of this majestic poly-fiber blended shirt.

Want to land a hot date?  Just make sure that Nelly is visible and no one can deny you when you ask, “You want to take a ride with me?”  It’s just science.

Feeling nostalgic? You’re in luck because Justin Timberlake and his frosted tips make an appearance. Never miss out on your 90’s memories again!

Can’t get this shirt out of your head?  Neither can Kylie Minogue!  Turns out, this shirt was the inspiration for that annoying hit song.  You’re welcome, world!

*** No, this is not for sale.  Unless you want to buy it.  Have your people call my people. 

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meg lago’s hangover face.