brothers.
Although my parents would characterize my seemingly regular childhood temper tantrums as a pretty aggressive display of emotion, outside of demanding extra dessert and slapping my brothers for ripping the heads off my barbies, I’ve never been great at expressing my feelings.
Maybe it was because I grew up with three younger brothers. As the oldest of four, and the only girl, I never really had a model for how to act. My mother and I, although very close, are very different when it comes to personality.
Needless to say, if you’re going to survive eighteen years in the midst of a male dominated household, you have to learn how to protect yourself in emotional combat. Aside from the regular physical battles, the way brothers really get to you is by finding your mental weaknesses, and attacking when you least expect it.
Growing up with brothers teaches you not to dwell on little things, to stand up for yourself, and how to be competitive. But it also, unintentionally, leads you towards the masculine side of the emotional spectrum; so instead of saying how you feel in the moment, you retreat and don’t talk about it.
When you hang out with boys all the time, you learn that they would rather give you a beer than sit and listen to your problems.
friends.
Because nothing makes guys more uncomfortable than when a girl just unloads all her personal crap on them. Especially if it’s during a football game or when you’re out at a bar. When you have a “girl day,” you learn to drink a beer and deal with it later.
This works well until you realize you are in college and have not sustained one real or lasting relationship during your lifetime. If someone wanted to date me, I was either unaware or uninterested, because if it meant talking about feelings and being vulnerable, I didn’t want any part of it.
Everyone puts up walls for different reasons. Personally, the initial thought of letting someone in that you barely know is daunting. The act of sharing secrets, opening doors to your past, and exposing yourself, metaphorically, to another person for the sake of a connection is terrifying.
At the same time, while a little mystery is a good thing, there needs to be a dichotomy between the two people in a relationship to make it work. Eventually you will have to let your guard down.
Recently, there have been an overwhelming amount of circumstances that formidably illustrate my inability to give up control over certain aspects of my life. Whether it be attending a friend’s wedding, my parent’s thirtieth anniversary, or my most recent breakup, I have come to the brutal realization that I need to step outside my comfort zone in order to foster a meaningful connection with someone.
I’ve had my fair share of crazy experiences: skydiving, bungee jumping, one time I even ate cat food. But the tangible part of being afraid is much more desirable than emotionally freefalling into unknown territory. I mean at least after skydiving I got a sticker telling me I did a good job not dying.
Thinking about the craziest thing I’ve ever done, I immediately remember how terrified I was to actually commit to it. Picking up and moving to a new city, alone, without a job or any financial support other than my own was the single most daunting event in my life. But looking back on the past year and a half, knowing where I am now, the reward was totally worth the struggle.
At the end of the day, no one can make you take that leap other than yourself. Outside influences, supportive or not, have no weight compared to what your gut tells you to do. Knowing that personal reflection and a willingness to change are attributes I admire in someone, it only makes sense that I try and develop them.
My twenty-fifth birthday is only a few weeks away. I’m not entirely positive if it is the looming “quarter-century” age label weighing on my conscious, or just the stark reality that I’m resisting a change I know I need to make, but either way, it’s scary as all hell knowing that being vulnerable is something that is not only expected, but appreciated in lasting relationships.
I guess I’ll just have to be twenty-five and terrified.
I just hope someone gives me a sticker on my thirtieth birthday. I need to know I did a good job not dying.
Half and Half 
You have such a wonderful way of sharing your vulnerabilities and your fun, all at once. I love reading your posts.
Thank you so much, I love reading your stuff as well!!
🙂 You have a shining spirit.. thank you ❤
I thought that was the perfect breeding ground for a Princess, 🙂
🙂
I really enjoyed this, you have a fantastic way of sharing your thoughts,
Thank you, just hoping people can relate!
I can relate. Emotional exposure is the scariest thing in the world.
Thank you! It’s terrifying!
Relax. Here, have a beer.
Thank you, I needed it!
I love the honesty in your voice- it really draws me in 🙂 I hope you find someone that gives you strength when you feel vulnerable- those are the best kinds of relationships.
I hope so, too 🙂 Thanks for reading!
I’m 25 and terrified! The reality of being closer to 30 than 20 really hits you hard lol life is waaay to short to waste your own time holding yourself back only to have regrets later on. Yay, go forth and be terrified.
Off into the unknown 🙂
I really like how you kept your usual sass and wit while simultaneously getting serious with us. I think I’m probably an over-sharer – totally fine telling someone my life story while absolutely terrified to skydive. It’s hard to find the balance!
-Taylor
My best friend is an oversharer, it takes two kinds of people 🙂 I wish I had more of that in me!
I have two older brothers and I have always ended up on the masculine side of the emotional spectrum as well. I think it was also made worse when my oldest brother became my swim coach and his favorite phrase was “suck it up buttercup and do it.” I was just speaking to a friend the other day about how I have such a hard time committing myself to a relationship, letting my guard down, and being vulnerable. Thanks for sharing this!
THANK YOU! It was one of the most difficult posts to write, personally. I’m glad people are responding to it, though. I can completely relate to you, too. “Suck it up.” was a favorite phrase around my house as well. I’m just now learning how to navigate through expressing my emotions with people I’m dating. Definitely frustrating, but totally worth it 🙂
These emotion/life decision nonsense gets to us guys too. We generally play cool and grab a beer, like you said. But in reality, guys go-to mantra is “when in doubt, grab a beer.” We know it’s not exactly conducive to healthy emotional balance but then again… sometimes a beer is better than sitting down and dealing with it. It all comes around though. That’s hard to remember sometime but important to keep in mind. Also, if someone gets you one of those stickers, get me one too. I love stickers.
I wish I could copy/paste images into the comment section, but Google image search “bumped into some emotions” and check out the first ecard that pops up. Cracks me up every time. #storyofmylife
Cheers,
Connor
Connor! Thank you for giving a male perspective. It is much appreciated, and super relieving knowing I didn’t offend the opposite sex. I totally googled that, and I cracked up.
“Brushed that shit off real quick!” hahaa. Thanks for reading 🙂
Essentially you captured all of it in such a short writing, and yet there’s so much more…thank you for sharing!
Thank you! This was a difficult one to write, but knowing people can relate is awesome. Thank you for reading!!!
This is my favorite in your blog, so far. 😄
Thank you! This is my favorite as well! It was hard to write, but very cathartic. 🙂 Thanks for reading.