The (real) 10 Reasons I Never Had A Boyfriend

If you’re reading this hoping I’ll finally come out as a lesbian after all these years, I’m sorry for your inevitable disappointment.  I do, in fact, still like men.  A lot.

Recently, I expressed my differentiating opinions on the things everyone thinks on their first date, and I figured it was time that I responded to another article.  This one is not nearly as ridiculous, and I don’t think this girl is crazy, rather she is just not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Thought Catalog tends to post uplifting, motivating articles about feminist pride, relationships, and confidence boosting lists.  And yes, I love it.  I’m completely guilty of going forty pages back on my lunch break, having my eyes glued to the screen wondering what the Eight Ways to Make A Failing Relationship Work While You’re Living In A Treehouse could possibly be.

But my friends, I am also a realist, a truth teller, and a lover of self-deprecating humor.

I read this article and identified with it.  I liked her reasons, but felt they lacked authenticity and anecdotal support from the late bloomer’s perspective.

So, I am here to save the day (not really), and embarrass myself beyond all belief when I tell you the real ten reasons I never had a boyfriend.

1.  I was ugly

I’ve talked about myself being a late bloomer many times.  I am not joking, if I could invent the teleport I would go back to 200-2009 and slap myself in the face every single day for nine years.  A girl that looks like she was just attacked by her brother’s wardrobe and willingly went to a school dance afterwards will not get a boyfriend.

Oh, but she has such a good personality!  Save it.  We all know that doesn’t have any weight in the game of puberty.

Exhibit A.
Exhibit A.

2.  I have a resting bitch face.

Apparently, I am unapproachable because I look pissed off all the time.  I guess people tend to stay away from girls that look like they are going to murder your first born or steal your puppy if your leave it outside while you’re in line at Starbucks getting your $14 frappe venti mochacochalino.

3.  My best friend was better looking than me.

And I’m not saying this out of jealousy.  I mean, this girl was freaking beautiful.  How am I supposed to reel in a classy lad when I have a genetically impossible broad traveling with me wherever I go?  Did I mention she has a heart of gold?  Yeah, no way I could compete with that.

4.  I liked people out of my league.

I tried telling Leo DiCaps it would work between us.  But I guess when you aim that high in the relationship department, there is nothing to expect but failure, defeat, and disappointment.

5.  I don’t understand social cues.

I don’t know why you invited me to prom with you, but I can sure as hell assume that it’s not because you wanted to hook up with me.

6.  I drove a Ford Taurus.

Try picking up a dude while you’re rolling through the parking lot in this.

Exhibit C.
Exhibit B.

7.  I am a terrible looking eater.

No one wants to take out the girl that not only immediately tucks her napkin into her shirt to create a makeshift bib, but one that looks like she wanted to wear the spaghetti sauce after she was done eating despite her napkin neck protector.

8.  I’m not good at feelings.

See here.

9.  I was fat.

I had cankles when I came back from studying abroad.  Guys couldn’t tell where my boobs ended and my stomach began.

Exhibit C.
Exhibit C.

10.  Everyone thought I was a prude.

People assumed I didn’t hook up with anyone, so why should they try?  Nothing worse for a guy than putting in all this effort with a girl and getting denied multiple times after sexual advances.

Bonus:  I eventually figured all these things out and obtained me a high quality, grade A piece of man meat.  Even though my face still rests pretty bitchy, I guess figuring out social cues was a step in the right direction.  And he’s apparently really into the Ford Taurus VW Jetta.

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17 comments

  1. I the parallel male versions of these issues when I was in high school. But really, the people who were getting all of the action back then (at least the folks at my high school) peaked way too early. We still have our whole lives ahead of us!

  2. Mad girl…
    Then you can extrapolate (or, attending to your inventive, create a new decalogue!!) to gay men, can not You? C’mon
    1.- true!! I, as a man, only go with beautiful women. And date with models (sex is reserved only, and I wanna mean ONLY, for the best ones, the TOP models) -ironic mode OFF;
    2.- english is not my original language and “resting bitch face” is not a good understood concept. I understand all the words one by one, but not the concept. Even with your explanation I can not see that kind of face on you… Except for the 3rd photo: you are crying, aren’t you? That can not be laughing!! (Sorry)
    3.- it beguins to look like excuses, lol. You wanted to be lesbian!!;
    4.- ambitious, american after all -excuse me, european eye is connected. I am pretty sure I have american blood inside, too: I like, I LOVE, I… (any verb bigger than this goes here, sorry for my poor english) …Angelina Jolie,
    5.- really? So ugly? I know about several cases that he didn’t need having eyes but STOMACH!! Trust me, and all of them are married nowadays (one of them with the worst one!!- she would have another things, I guess…, as the witch she is);
    Sense of humour appart I do not understand about social clues, but that you are talking about is predator instinct. Nowadays you’ll find a thousand of wolves before the first good guy, which is not always a pitty;

    • 6.- picking up a guy, and still he has complaints?, ok… DRIVE YOUR OWN CAR! (Or call a taxi, instead). We say “do not look a tooth of a gift horse”, similar to your “beggars can’t be choosers”.
      Any way… A Taurus?!?!? In my country only arrived the first edition. And not many. Ford has a lot of better cars, eagle eye, hehehe. But in confidence, my first car payed by me* was a fast, powerful, safe… DAD’s CAR. But it was red, actually “cherry red” – more than a dad’s car it was a feminine dad’s car. But it has black leather seats so it was… It was a PROCURER’s CAR. Look for the 2001 Saab 95. Fine car? Mmmm I chose the worst version so an eagle eye, too. (*at the beginning, my very first company let me choose among its fleet formed by european and american cars, but always with european specs – this means small yet powerful engines, but very different sensations in comparison with american specs);
      7.- and noisy? I’d kick you off, for sure.
      8.- I am not a psychiatrist/psychologist, not a free one at least;
      9.- Read (1) again. But, in addition, studying abroad is not a cause by itself, unless you were to another state of U.S.A. Nobody else can drink (refresh) or eat, more than an american!! Oh my godness!! (well, actually, maybe a german). And studying is not the cause at all. You do not become fat in college, academy, school,… Only in the university! University is a fatass creator!!
      But “fat bottomed girls, You make the rockin’ world go round”;
      10.- Really? Nothing worse? I am a man and I tell: You drove a Taurus!!

      • About the bonus: congratulations for realizing about life and for changing to an european car (sorry for this, but I do not like american cars at all, nor its european versions). I love german cars, and over Mercedes and BMW, I prefer VW/Audi/Seat+Skoda group, but, you did it again. Not a Golf, not a Scirocco, not a Passat. It had to be a Jetta?!?!? Could I help you next time?.

        Singer of Queen was gay, so no idea. Composer not, but, you know, Brian May is not John Wayne, so no idea, too. What makes the rockin’ world go round is humour. And you have a lot.

        I like reading you, more than write these bricks!

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