You can learn a lot about a person by what they eat. And no, I’m not saying you should stare at people while they’re eating, that’s rude. Unless it’s a celebrity, then please report back because I NEED to know what Oprah eats for breakfast that makes her so powerful.
This may come as a shock – or it won’t because you’ll realize that my brain works in strange ways, and this is just one of those things that makes me unique – but food has taught me everything I ever needed to know about life.
Sidenote: Let me start off by saying that if you looked in my cabinet where I store all my food, you’d probably think I had a child. But alas, those are my groceries, I just eat like I’m seven. So this is one of those times where I will make judgments about others, completely ignoring the fact that I have been all of these people at one time or another.
For starters, if you’re sitting on your couch in dirty sweatpants using a ladle to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, I’m going to assume you’re going through a breakup. Or at the very least, a rough week. When a spoon just isn’t big enough to satisfy your cravings for creamy delights to the point where you’re going to go straight for a ladle, among the Cherry Garcia remnants, you have heartbreak written all over your face.
And for you, I will pray. Because no one can stop after one ladle scoop of B&Js. It’s impossible.
When I see a twenty-something eating a steak with an older man or woman, it’s a safe bet that they are not paying for it. You never eat the cheapest thing on the menu when your parents are footing the bill. I’ll hit up Olive Garden and pay $9.99 for unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks; but you best believe when I’m out with my parents I’m getting my fill of fine wine and filets.
If you can eat it in your pajamas, it’s not acceptable to feed a potential life partner. Nothing says, “Hey baby, let’s get married!” like bagel bites with a side of Doritos. You should learn to cook something substantial before you commit to someone for the rest of your life.
But when you’re drunk, it’s completely acceptable to throw all dietary restrictions and personal inhibitions out the window and go face deep into a pile of nachos and cinnastix. A good rule of thumb is: if you don’t remember it, it never happened.
This is also a great indicator for how old someone is. No one above thirty should be forgetting they ate forty-eight loaded tater tots and an entire Christmas ham the previous night due to alcohol.
I immediately know I need to tread lightly when I see someone eating a salad. Especially men. Woman have this extra chromosome where they can turn off their memories of delicious food and focus solely on bathing suit season. It makes stomaching a salad almost mouth-watering. Almost.
But the time a man voluntarily orders a cobb salad at a restaurant, don’t say anything mean to him within a five-foot-radius. He is not choosing to eat that salad. His doctor, his mother, or his girlfriend told him he needed to stop eating so many carbs and watch his cholesterol, and eating an entire head of iceberg lettuce is the only thing stopping him from shoveling a foot-long chicken parm sandwich down his throat.
When you’re around someone who is grumpy, they may need a snack. That’s why I always like to keep a few granola bars in my purse. You never know when a romantic stroll with your boyfriend will turn into the last moments of your life because you told him the restaurant was “like five minutes away” an hour ago.
Boys need to eat sixty-times more a day than women. Granola bars save lives.
I also know you’re having a great time at your dinner date by the filter you’re using to instagram your food. Anything less than a high contrast filter means your date sucks. No one wants to see a poorly photographed, low resolution cheeseburger. I want to see that thing oozing grease out of my phone.
If you don’t instagram a picture of your food, I assume you’ve either died, or are having a real, face-to-face conversation with the person who brought you out, and there may be hope for your love life after all.
Also, if you like Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut, you may be my soul mate. Inquire within.