Ah, a new year is upon us…
…and the inevitable overflow of teenage to mid-twenty-year-old girls galavanting through Forever21 to find the “perfect NYE outfit.”
At twenty-four, I’ve seen my fair share of New Years Eve bashes. From clubs in the city to low key house parties, I’ve gathered an array of knowledge to help you become educated in the types of women you will encounter during your celebrations tonight.
Wherever you end up tonight, know that there is always some high-caliber people watching available to you during the festivities. So, in honor of ringing in the new year, I present to you…
(I may or may not be speaking from experience and have been each of these girls before.)
Don’t quote me on that.
The List of Girls You Meet on New Years Eve:
The Girl Who Doesn’t Make It To Midnight:
Classic narcolepsy on New Years Eve. You will find this girl in a corner, on a couch, or standing up with her eyes closed. She tried so hard to make it to midnight, but the little sleep gremlin got her before the new year did. Sigh. I don’t really know how you can recover from not seeing the ball drop. That’s gotta really wear on your conscience.
The Girl Who Is Over Dressed:
Regardless if you’re at a bar or at a house party, there’s going to be one girl who ultimately looks like she is supposed to be going to prom, but ended up hanging out with you instead. She got her hair done that day, has heels high enough to stand at eye level with Paul Bunyan, and her dress is either painted on, or is one step away from becoming a crop top in January.
The Girl Who Won’t Stop Dancing:
Rap? Pop? Reggae? Slow Jams? NPR? It does not matter. This girl has dance moves that complement every type of music. She’ll ballroom dance and ballet pirouette all over the place to Frank Sinatra then segue right into a twerking frenzy when Miley Cyrus comes on. She is constantly trying to ‘get the party started’ and can be seen doing multiple hair flips and ‘WOOHOOO!s’ per song. She could care less about being in a New York City club or in your mother’s dining room, the dance must go on.
The Girl With No Shoes:
Ever seen a newborn deer? Ever watched a puppy run on a wood floor? That is what this girl looks like whilst walking. She never learned how to walk in heels, and after ten minutes of standing, will take them off and spend the rest of the night barefoot constantly on the verge of stepping on glass. She doesn’t care though, and you shouldn’t either.
The Girl Nobody Knows:
This girl may be a friend of a friend. Or she may have just showed up off the street. Either way, no one knows who she is. No one ever introduces her, and so the mystery remains. You go mystery girl, keep the guessing game going.
The Girl Who Lost Her Cell Phone/Purse/Life:
The perfect kodak moment comes along and she has misplaced her camera. For some reason, at that moment, she realizes cannot find any of her other belongings. Chaos ensues. The party HAS to stop and everyone becomes the FBI and secret service with metal detectors and blacklights looking for the phantom iPhone and the elusive Marc Jacobs that’s hidden in the cereal cabinet. Hint: She actually rationalized hiding her purse in the cabinet so she would ‘remember it later.’
The Girl Who Is Crying:
Is she sad 2013 is over? Is she overjoyed with emotion after watching the beauty and wonderment of the giant silver ball drop? Did her goldfish die? Did she break a nail? Does she not know where she is? Nobody knows why she’s crying. You can try and ask her questions to get to the bottom of it, but your detective skills are null and void because this girl doesn’t even know the reason for her tear duct secretions.
I can’t tell you how to cope with these girls. I can only give you the facts. Above all, New Years Eve is a time to celebrate with good friends and welcome a new year together. As always, be safe and have a great night!
Peace out, 2013, IT’S BEEN REAL!