beer

Cheers to you, to me, to you, and back to me again, and then you, and then me.

Irish or not, you know about St. Patrick’s Day.

Seeing as Monday is one of the most glorified drinking holidays on the planet, I figured I’d give you a little something to think about going into the weekend. There’s going to be beer, there’s going to be drinking, there’s going to be parades, and most of all, there are going to be, “CHEERS!”

Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard them all, “To good friends! – To good times!” yadda, yadda, yadda. BOOOORING.

If you stick with the run of the mill drink clinks, you’ll quickly run out of things to say and simultaneously raise your glass. That’s why I’m here to help you.

The following is a list of things you can, “Cheers!” to this weekend in honor of Saint Patrick:

To money
To your bank account
To your parents, because without them you would not be alive and drinking today
To not falling down
To the Pilgrims and Indians getting along splendidly
To the military and the USA
To falling down and getting back up
To that kid not wearing green because “he isn’t Irish”
To that kid peeing on the sidewalk
To your friends because, “OH MY GAHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH”
To not using public restrooms
To finally getting to use the public restroom
To airplanes and automobiles that will bring you home
To candy hearts that express emotions so you don’t have to
To being single and not running into your ex
To not being single and running into your ex
To Tinder when there’s a surplus of hot drunk individuals in one concentrated area
To seeing eye dogs – because they’re the shit
To Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski (he did not have sexual relations with that woman)
To not wearing heels
To bacon, eggs, and cheese, and bread. So much bread.
To live music and uncomfortably swaying and calling it ‘dancing’
To Outkast reuniting
To free alcohol
To stealing alcohol
To making fast friends on the streets that you have absolutely no intention of ever talking to again
To sleep number beds for always knowing what you want
To McDonald’s for giving us the Happy Meal when you’re ordering over 18 years of age
To wearing sunglasses when it’s not sunny because you’re too hungover to be in public
To the one time of the year wear corn beef and cabbage is a fun thing to eat
To castles and royalty
TO POTATOES!
To infinity and beyond
To street meat
To Janet Jackson’s nip slip
To Leo DeCaps and Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”
To finding out all your socks matching up after laundry
To cooking something that isn’t poisonous
To haircuts and looking so fresh and so clean, clean
To creating resolutions and breaking them
To giving up beer for Lent…… then taking it back because St. Patrick’s day is during Lent
To the world’s largest ball of yarn
TO POTATOES!
To tear-away Adidas sweats and white high top sneakers
To snap bracelets and snap backs and Snap, Crackle, Pop
To Ramen noodles and drinking like you’re in college again
To day drinking and passing out before 9pm
To having an excuse to drunk dial your mom and dad just to , “Say hey.”
To Ireland and the people from it who immigrated here because there were no potatoes, without whom we would not be the population of drunk people we are today, and we have to salute you the only way we know how, by getting drunk

Go forth, my sons, into the land of inebriation.

Why Girls Buy Other Girls Drinks

Because they’re bored
Because it’s 5pm
Because it’s 9pm
Because it’s last call
Because it’s happy hour
Because there are jello shots
Because there is Fireball
Because, “You’re just, like, my best friend and I love you, so much. Like really. To the moon and back, girlfran.”
Because it’s my turn
Because it’s their turn
Because she’s new to the group
Because she’s not in the group
Because she’s a better wingwoman when she’s drunk
Because she took one for the team
Because she needs it
Because I need it
Because it will make us dance
Because I’m an enabler
Because we’re easily persuaded
Because you know she won’t say no
Because she got promoted
Because we got fired
Because we’re single
Because her boyfriend is gone
Because we got dumped
Because we dumped someone
Because it’s a holiday
Because we’re on vacation
Because tropical drinks will make you think you’re on vacation
Because she’s not pregnant
Because there’s a snowstorm
Because we’re hungover
Because it’s cold outside and drinks make us warm
Because it’s pay day
Because we’re the only people at the bar
Because my job sucks
Because our feet hurt
Because, “You look like you need a drink.”
Because we look good
Because we feel like shit
Because when we don’t eat dinner we get drunk faster
Because wine is good for our heart
Because, “WE NEED TO CHEERS!”
Because we need to toast to random events
Because we need to look interesting
Because I showered today
Because I need to ask you something important and/or horrible
Because I’m going to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do but will do it anyways cause I bought you that drink in your hand
Because you got a haircut
Because it’s Sunday Funday
Because it’s brunch
Because it’s an open bar and I’m not really buying it
Because it’s relaxing
Because I had a bad day at work
Because you had a great day at work
Because you got laid
Because we’re trying to get laid
Because it’s a weekday
Because it’s the weekend
Because I need to unwind
Because any excuse to buy a drink is a good excuse to buy a drink

Proof that exercising is dangerous.

The following story is a recountance of true events. Emotions, time frames, and dialogue are potentially misconstrued and over exaggerated due to the fact that there was alcohol involved.

It started with a paddleboard.

Yup, you know, one of these things. They’re supposed to be fun, a good way to exercise, a tool to relax on the open water.

Only it wasn’t. It was a plank of desolation, inconvenience, and misery.

Well, wait. Let’s backtrack a little bit. I was on vacation. Minnesota. July 2013. The purpose: a bi-annual reunion with my best friends with whom I studied abroad in Dublin back in 2009. We have had about six reunions prior to this one, the most recent summer event was at this exact lake house.

heaven, paradise, whatever you call it.

We agreed that this was the only spot to spend our summer reunions from there on out, so we returned with anticipation and a thirst that only a multitude of beers, margaritas, and shots could quench.

The day started as most days did, on the boat, in the sun, drinking beverages of the adult variety. Friends were seen jumping off the stern, or port, or whatever you call it, into the lake, floating on noodles and crushing beers. Others were seen riding a jetski at high speeds. Some were tanning on the lawn. It was a great day. And it remained that way until everyone had their fill of each activity that was offered.

As the sun transitioned to set, Audrey* and I decided we wanted to take one last trip out on the paddleboard before dinner – you know, because we needed exercise and stuff.

** Name has been changed to protect Audrey's identity.

We float/don’t do much at all but sit/paddle out into the lake, singing songs in what I’m positive was completely off key, laughing, and trying to balance enough to both stand up on the board at the same time. It was only a short time later that we both realized the current was a lot stronger than we thought, and we had drifted quite a bit away from the dock, safety, and our friends.

“Audrey, we’re really far away. What are we supposed to do?”

“Get off the paddle board, start swimming and pull us like you’re in a dog sled race.” She responded.

trying to dance… or something

I tried my best, but to no avail, we ended up floating farther and farther away, but at a rapid pace.

“Let’s signal for them,” I suggested, “they’ll hear us if we yell loud enough. I heard that sound travels on water.”

We both screamed for help, and a man with a jetski came to our rescue. “Here,” he said as he motioned to jump, “you two climb on the jetski, I’ll paddle the board back to the dock. I left the keys in the ignition.”

It seemed fool proof. Only it wasn’t. I lost my sunglasses in the transition from the water to the platform, the second pair of the day. Audrey was grabbing my arm like you would a toy on black Friday so that I wouldn’t fall back into the water. It was a complete disaster. We looked like we had just learned that we each had limbs, only had no idea how to maneuver them.

We looked off into the distance and the lad who had helped us was already halfway back to the dock. “What the hell did he do that we didn’t do?” I asked. “He probably didn’t have eight margaritas today.” Audrey answered. She was probably right.

We’re both (almost) securely on the jetski when Audrey reaches for the key and turns right to activate the ignition. It chuggs. She turns again. It sounds almost like the noise someone makes before they sneeze; just heavy, mechanic, wheezing. I don’t know a lot about motors, but I know that when there is fuel inside them, and you turn the key, they turn on.

Then the red light of death starts blinking. “FUEL GAUGE ERROR. PLEASE CHECK ENGINE.” I read in complete dismay.

We’re drifting fast towards a set of docks on the opposite side of the lake. No one is around us, the kid who rescued us has since rescued the paddle board and himself, and has now safely returned to land.

We were stranded.

struggles.

I have no threshold for sanity or patience in these types of dilemmas so I immediately start freaking out. “HOLY SHIT, WE’RE LOST. AUDREY, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET BACK.?!?!” I’m frantic. Audrey starts to feel it as well. She jumps out, and starts to pull the jetski towards the closet dock.

“Jump out and grab the rope, tie us to this dock.” She instructs me. I followed the directions. We had landed on this empty dock. Audrey was sandwiched between the Ski-Doo and the dock pole, a place I like to call, Barnacle City. Once tied, we looked up at the house the dock belonged to, and noticed a woman on the balcony, just staring at us.

She was drinking a margarita. I can only imagine what her view was like from up there. Two drunk girls in bathing suits, a broken jetski, and no sense of direction just tacking up on her property.

Audrey and I made our way up the steps, crossing her lawn, and eventually made awkward eye contact. “Hi! Excuse us, we’re like lost. And our jetski has no gas. We’re just trying to get back home.” I explain to this woman.

“Well, my husband isn’t going to be home for a while, and I’ve just had extensive back surgery. I’m on multiple pain medications, and I can’t really think or see straight at the moment.” She explains her situation to us. It seemed like… a little bit of an overshare. But we had no choice. Audrey and I looked at each other, thinking about what our next move would be, when suddenly she interrupts our thoughts, “Would you guys like a sandwich? You can use my telephone, too.”

so happy after the jetski debacle.

A telephone sounded great. A sandwich sounded amazing. We had worked up a serious appetite, and I was hoping to the high heavens that she had bacon, lettuce, and tomato in that house. An avocado wouldn’t hurt either, but I wasn’t banking on it. We started to walk towards the basement door when we heard the honking of a boat horn.

Audrey and I turned around and saw all of our friends on the boat, honking at us, laughing at us, and most importantly, rescuing us. They took a rope and towed the jetski back to the dock. We turned and thanked the woman for her almost-hospitality, and promptly ran back to the boat, and grabbed a towel to dry off.

It had been a long day. On the safety of land, I pondered to myself. I know I don’t like to exercise, but this incident damn near proved me right. Exercising is dangerous. It’s better to stay stationary and enjoy all the things the lake house has to offer – and that’s what I did for the next two days.

With beers, shots, and margaritas, of course.

Half and Half

half wit. half wisdom. a whole lot of nonsense.

beer

Cheers to you, to me, to you, and back to me again, and then you, and then me.

Why Girls Buy Other Girls Drinks

Proof that exercising is dangerous.

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