Step Brothers Might Be Getting A Sequel So Here Are 4 More Movies That Should Follow

We’re going to the Catalina Fucking Wine Mixer!

Everyone get out your eyeballs, your most expandable pants and all of the alcohol you can fit into the crevices of your body because Step Brothers may be getting a sequel.

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[Insert comment about The Princess Diaries 3 getting a trilogy and me not mentioning it.]

[Insert rebuttal comment about how Anne Hathaway is my nemesis and I don’t like her face.]

Honestly, I was a bit hesitant to hear that one of my top five movies was getting the reboot treatment. If it’s anything like Ghosts of Sequels Past, it’s not going to be good. I mean, the odds are pretty much stacked against them.

Over here in the graveyard of “What The Fuck, Why Did You Ruin This Classic?” we have Anchorman 2, The Hangover 2/3, 22 Jump Street and an atrocity so horrible, I saved my eyeballs the equivalent to the plight of a thousand sandstorms,  Zoolander 2.

This is like becoming a thing now, though, right? Script writers today are basically just those dudes that leave to try and find a better hookup but come back to the bar at 2:30am and will hit on someone until they agree to go home with you (for the right price of about 30 million dollars, six red wines, and a trailer full of ONLY the green M&Ms).

I know, I know, but this one will be different. It’s 2016 and my new year’s resolution was to be positive. Or at least have better posture. I can’t remember, I’m slouching.

In hopes that Hollywood doesn’t totally screw this one up, here’s a list of four other Will Ferrell movies that could use a (good) reboot.

 

ELF

Need to see Buddy take on the country with the sole plot line being saving Mr. Narwhal from captivity. I like whales and I like them to be free. You go, Mr. Narwhal, you go.

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OLD SCHOOL

The only reason my dedication to ribbon dancing was validated was because of the majestic display of athleticism that Frank the Tank displayed in this movie. Plus, I honestly believe Blue was my boy and I need someone to avenge him.

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WEDDING CRASHERS

I feel like they forgot to mention Rule No. 88 – Make thy sequels whenst they are demanded. And someone give him some goddamn meatloaf for Pete’s sake.

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THE OTHER GUYS

I need this more because of Mark Walhberg and his abdominals, but also because Gator needs his Gat. But not immediately because Eva Mendez is a genetically impossible human that sometimes I just feel bad about myself.

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What movies would you like to see get a sequel?

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The Unwritten Rules Of Being In A Relationship

The conditions under which my boyfriend and I moved in together were simple.  Cheaper rent, reduced travel, and ultimately, he would be the human barrier that would save me if anything remotely dangerous happened in the dead of the night.

Around 3:30 am last night, a fire drill went off in the midst of my deepest slumbers.  Unbeknownst to me, the jackasses who live on the floor above us engaged in a little snow storm marijuana toking session, and basically masked the entire top floor with a cloud of smoke.

The roommate looks at me after hearing how obnoxiously loud the fire alarm is and says, “Close the bedroom door.”

To which I replied, “Uhh, no, I think we need to evacuate.”

After frantically throwing on as many blizzard fighting layers of clothing and waiting outside for around twenty minutes, we were allowed back in the building.  But only now have I realized that my roommate was not delivering on one of the main promises made when we decided to cohabitate.  Something remotely dangerous happened in the middle of the night, and he was not being a good human barrier.

(I realize this is all based upon waking up mid-slumber, and under different circumstances, he probably would have had a clearer head.)

Which brings me to my next point.  Along with safety and security, there are certain unwritten rules that boyfriends have to follow.

All gender roles, feminism, sexism, and all that other politically correct mumbo jumbo aside, of course. I see you, strong, independent women who don’t need no man to feel worthy. #Respect

Here are the unwritten rules you need to follow in order to be a successful boyfriend/good human:

Hold my things: When you decide you are going to date a girl, you unofficially sign up to hold all her belongings when she doesn’t want to carry a purse.  Credit card, money, and ID will now go in your wallet and her keys in your pockets, because her outfit is way more important without a bulky bag, and you have like forty-six places to hold things anyways.

Let me wear your stuff: Clothes are always more comfortable when they’re not yours.  Sweatshirts that are four sizes too big definitely seem to fit better, and men’s sweatpants are what dreams are made of.  And hats.  Always hats.

Don’t get mad when I eat your food: I know this is like, totally, illegal in like fifteen countries, and frowned upon everywhere else, but if I want a bite of your food, you need to give it to me.  I know I ordered what I wanted, and you ordered what you wanted, but that’s why we didn’t order the same thing and I’d rather not have FOMO.

Listen to my stories: Everyone in the history of earth knows that women are horrendous story tellers.  But you’re going to have to listen to every single one of them.  The office drama, that kid on the subway, the one about how long the line was at Forever 21 on New Year’s Eve. They’re going to suck, they’re not going to be funny, and they probably won’t make sense.  And I’m sorry I’m not sorry for that.

Give me directions: I think I speak solely for myself with this one, but I’m going to generalize to everyone anyways.  You need to be prepared to tell me where I’m going and give me proper notice of when I’m supposed to turn left, right, etc.  Google maps can steer me wrong, you can’t.

Make good choices under pressure: Like, you know, if there’s a fire drill in the middle of the night.  You should tell me to get my shit together and haul ass down the stairs instead of just ignoring it and trying to fall back asleep.  It’s these life or death situations that make or break a relationship. Mostly because if we burned alive no one would be in the relationship anymore, because we’d both be dead.

Crack my back: What’s the point of having someone double your weight that can lift you up, crack your back, and realign your spine with one strong, upward grab? That’s not a trick question. There’s actually no other point than to have them lift you up, crack your back, and realign your spine with one, strong upward grab.


What are some unwritten rules you can think of?

SkyMall Filed For Bankruptcy And I Have Nothing To Live For Anymore

That was not hyperbole. SkyMall is donezo, which means I may as well renounce my citizenship and become a castaway living off the land and having a volleyball as a best friend.

But, that’s also how I pretty much live my life right now, so I need to up my ante on the dramatic life exits.

Maybe I’ll start a cult or join a Peruvian scooter gang. I just need something to fill the void that’s in the back seat pocket on the plane of life.

A lot of people, myself included, are absolutely devastated about the news of SkyMall closing its mile-high doors.

I like to think of myself as less of a dweller on bad times and more of a solver of problems.  (Please don’t ask anyone close to me if this is true, I’m sure they’ll tell you endless stories about me crying on the bathroom floor when I couldn’t find my hidden stash of oreos at 3am.)  But, in my honest, inflated opinion of myself, I think that I really do my best to solve issues at hand rather than complain about what went wrong.

Which is why I’m going to try and save SkyMall from bankruptcy. If you don’t know why I’m so dead set on saving the mall up high from an eternal grave, please read this, this, and this.

I’m basically their unofficial-spokesperson/stalker/avid seeker of their attention via the twittersphere.  It’s a title that I take extremely seriously, but very lightly, because I do not want to get arrested.

HELP. PLEASE, SEND HELP.

HELP. PLEASE, SEND HELP.

Here are my ideas for how to save SkyMall:

Bake Sale: There has never been anything in the history of the earth that a bake sale couldn’t solve.  School fundraiser? Bake Sale. Diabetes? Bake sale. World Peace? Bake sale.  There’s nothing better to get unsuspecting humans into paying for overpriced baked treats than to slap on a big “HELP ME, I’M POOR” sign in front of your logo.  Cookies win wars. It’s science.

Car Wash: Bonus points for hot women in bikinis. At least they always look like they’re profitable in the movies.  In my experience, it was always the one attractive girl out on the street flagging people down while all the rest of us mediocre-looking wet dogs slaved away in nurse scrubs and fishing boots in the name of charity.  It really sucks not being a Victoria’s Secret model.

Ebooks: Everyone else is doing it.  Why not just digitize your pages and have SkyMall available for tablets all over the world? Seems silly, but I’m also a super genius with a slightly above average IQ that’s not really a genius at all and am probably just stating the obvious answer they already thought of but were too poor to execute.  Sorry for my insensitivity, SkyMall.

Peaceful, Yet Extremely Disruptive Protests: Nothing gets the people up in arms like a good old fashioned disruptive protest. Chain yourself to a barrel, block a highway, ruin the morning commute; do anything, but also do it in the name of SkyMall and everything will be covered in the news, forcing people to care about your cause and contribute their hard earned, taxed dollars that they can’t make because they can’t even arrive to work on time.

Replace Current Airplane Seat Back Pockets With Issues of Unsolvable Crossword Puzzles About Current Events: With only -275% of the population able to complete this exercise, people will be begging for SkyMall to be put back onto planes across the world because frankly, I’d rather stare at a life sized Big Foot I can’t afford than a problem I can’t solve (see above statement where I talk about being a problem solver).

Stockpile/Hoard All Current/Previous Issues: Hold on to them for, like, one hundred years then start bringing them to Antiques Roadshow to appraise and sell them off.  This has a 40% chance of being an effective strategy that can pretty much reinvigorate the industry’s need for an in-flight magazine.  Just a thought. Take it or leave it.

There you have it. If you take all of these seriously and throw them out the window at the same time, it just might be dumb enough to work.  Let’s pool together our resources, crack open infinity bottles of wine and save SkyMall so we can be legends in the skies and get a cement statue for sale for the low price of $4,000. Which is totally acceptable, because we’re all flawless mother truckers.

And all was right in the world.

***

How would YOU save SkyMall?

An Open Letter to Rose Dawson

I have a bone to pick with you, Rose Dawson.

You swore you would never let go.  But you did.  You did let go.  And you let him die.

Listen, I’m sensitive to the cold.  I get it.  It was winter when the Titanic sunk.  The water at the time probably wasn’t conducive to an eternal death grip.

But, you should have saved his life.  He saved yours.  Multiple times, actually.

Yeah, remember that time you were impulsively hanging off the back of the ship, wallowing in self-pity, whining, “Oh my gahhh, my life is so hard, first class living is such a bore.  I hate nice things and being able to afford food and saphire necklaces.  I’m just going to end it now rather than spend the rest of my life living comfortably.”

When, at that moment you were contemplating your own death, the most handsome, third-class face on the planet waltzed up to you and convinced you to second guess your decision.

Remember this?!?!

 

Then after you decided you were actually being a little overdramatic about spontaneously offing yourself before really going through the pros and cons of it all, you slipped, and that gorgeous face saved your life AGAIN. With his hands.  His artistic, beautiful hands pulled your limp body up and over a three tier railing to safety.

REALLY. I MEAN, COME ON.

This was the same boy who showed you how to spit like a man and dance with the commoners.  He taught you that there was more to life than just being told what to do.  He gave you the confidence you needed to stand up to your family.  He made you realize that actually talking through your issues with people is a much better alternative to a poorly thought out, dramatic death.

I mean, for Pete’s sake, he even simulated flight without any sort of CGI effects. Just a ship and some wind was all he needed.  He was a goddamn magician.  And you let him die.

I think I speak for the masses here when I say that I wish you were more careful.  I wish you were more responsible.  I wish you weren’t so selfish.

You don’t let this face freeze. You just don’t.

See, if you had all those qualities I so generously listed above, you would have realized that that face is a one-in-a-million face.  You do not let faces like that pass you by.  Especially faces like that who have genuine hearts and are willing to save crazy teenage women from poor life-ending choices.

But you, Rose Dawson, you did let that face pass you by.  You let it pass you and sink right down into the bottom of the Atlantic.

This is where those qualities would have been beneficial to you and the boy whom you loved so much.  All you had to do was share.

At the very least, give the kid your life jacket.  It’s bad enough you’re starfishing on a double door, but you also have a PFD?  Like, share the wealth you hoarder.  No wonder Cal didn’t like you, you probably took up the entire bed, leaving him only with a smidgen of mattress and a corner of the covers.

If you love someone, you will save them from hypothermia.  That’s how it works.  It’s in the wedding vows. You know, “I, Rose, take you, Jack, to be waffley wedded husband, till death and/or sinking ship induced hypothermia do us part,” if you don’t know about that part, you probably weren’t a good listener in school either.  Which honestly, wouldn’t be surprising.

Bitch.

Not only were you a bystander in Jack Dawson’s death, but only after he sunk to the bottom of the ocean like the icicle brick he was did you go voluntarily get into the water to blow another man’s whistle to indicate you’d like to be rescued.

Riddle me this, Rose.  Why didn’t you get into the water, have Jack lay on the door for a while, and blow the whistle to save you both?  Really?  Do I have to think of everything around here?

A person as self-absorbed as yourself does not deserve someone as dignified and selfless as Jack Dawson.  I hope when you think of art, you remember his perfectly crafted features. I hope when you see a door, you’re reminded of the fact that it was big enough for two.  And when you put your children in swimming lessons, know that a life jacket could have saved him.

I hope you’re happy.

Sincerely,

Everyone Who Watched Titanic And Was In Love With Leonardo DiCaprio

***

Barbara Walters Is A Jackass

Last night marked the most important thing to happen in pop-culture after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Barbara Walters put on forty-seven pounds of makeup and a suit from 1986 and rattled off her annual list of the most fascinating people on the planet.

And the top honor was, you probably didn’t guess it, Amal Alamuddin, or as you probably know her, as George Clooney’s wife.

Full disclosure, you can file this post under feminism... I think?

For most of the video – that is supposed to encompass why this woman is so fascinating – you sit and watch a compilation of clips memorializing George Clooney’s slingledom, emphasizing him talking about never wanting to get married, and throwing in after the fact that Amal is really fascinating to the people of the world because, much like George, she can wear a mean suit and has really nice hair.

There is almost no mention of her skills, talents, or endeavors, other than the fact that she went to Oxford to become a humanitarian and women’s rights defense attorney, oh except for the shocking revelation that she’s also, like really, really pretty, too. 

For Barbara Walters to highlight and harp on the fact that the main and most important reason Amal is fascinating is because she got George Clooney of all people to get married again is kind of actually really ridiculous.

And I personally stray away from feminist rants, but when I heard she earned the coveted label, I figured we’d be learning much more about Amal’s drives, aspirations, and achievements rather than a recap on George Clooney’s much publicized aversion to marriage (complete with a list and segmented montage of all those women who tried to get him to settle down along the way).

It makes her “inspirational” list more of a publicity stunt and ratings magnet rather than a real, in depth look into the lives of these people that we are so fascinated with.

I mean, let’s be real, her spotlight on Taylor Swift will hardly feature the work and dedication she has to making great music, but it will most likely talk about her past relationships, how highly publicized they are, how and why she hasn’t found a boyfriend and when on God’s green earth will she find the time and the urge to settle down with someone.

Like, I enjoy talking about boys, but at some point can we just talk about how amazing certain women are without the mention on their male counterparts (or lack thereof)?  Could Barbara Walters maybe have at least tried to make a connection to George dating cocktail waitresses and models before wanting to settle down with someone who holds substantially equal intellect, values, and ideals?

COME ON, BABS, HELP ME, HELP YOU.

Because, while marrying George Clooney is great – because he’s super hot #SilverFox – this would have been the perfect platform to unveil some of the lesser to little known human rights issues around the world that both Amal and George (SO WEIRD SINCE THEY’RE MARRIED, RIGHT?) think are important. Or the women’s rights issues or cases she’s been a part of, or the numerous charitable donations and do-goodey things she does on a daily basis that just makes her an all around badass and fascinating person.

I think that’s all I have to say about that.

If you want to read more about Amal and less about George, check out the articles below, you’ll realize that she is way more than a pretty face, she actually does good stuff for the world and wants to make it a better place.

But, she just married George Clooney, and I guess that’s more important.


Amal Clooney is the most fascinating person of 2014 because of who she married, says Barbara Walters

Amal Clooney married down. She’s way more fascinating than George.

What Is This Goddess Doing With George Clooney?


What do you think of Barbara Walter’s list?

How The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Was The Most Revolutionary Thing That Ever Happened To Planet Earth In The History Of the Universe Ever

Let’s face it, we all could use a distraction from real life from time to time.  I mean, honestly, who has the time to care about the CIA Torture Report or all of the civil unrest is going on within our own country?

The universe needed to be stopped dead in its tracks last night because genetically impossible women were flaunting their abdominals and mile-long legs all over CBS. And I, for one, was glued to the screen because you know what? Life is hard, America is imploding, and I need a goddamn break from my privileged lifestyle.

Last night, gorgeous models showed everyone what was really important last night by redefining fashion, music, and politics all in a nice one-hour package. And here’s a breakdown of just how they did it.

Victoria’s Secret culturally redefined our need for world peace

By having this fashion show groundbreakingly set in London, Victoria’s Secret is making a culturally aware statement that everyone in the universe just needs to hold hands and get along.  Not only are the models all different races, backgrounds, and religions, they’re also the most beautiful people in the world.  The takeaway here is that if the most beautiful women in the world can all pretend to get along without clawing each other’s eyeballs out in the name of healthy competition, then goddamnit, we can do our best to get along with everyone we hate, too.

Look at us! We all get along in the name of fancy underwear!

Look at us! We all get along in the name of fancy underwear world peace!

Victoria’s Secret groundbreakingly redefined the importance of water conservation

Who needs the Environmental Protection Agency when you have fourteen of the most beautiful women subliminally telling the world to conserve energy? Not only is Victoria’s Secret promoting energy efficiency by implementing LED bulbs into their runways, they’re also sending huge EPA flares all over the world by utilizing various plant and animal life in their costumes subsequently showing the world that we must care about nature all the time, even when we are wearing only our underwear. AND WAIT! THERE’S MORE! At the end of the show, the models are giving a big, well, toned, middle finger to all those water wasters out there, because they opted for a balloon shower rather than a real one. What pioneers!

NO WAY, WE WON'T WASTE!

NO WAY, WE WON’T WASTE!

Victoria’s Secret redefined the importance of dramatic hand gestures and winking after a short walk

And you thought the wink was dead! Not anymore! Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for graciously reintroducing the wink into society.  No more winking and blinking to signal if one is okay after a surge of cardio activity, the wink has been pushed to the forefront of kinesthetic communication by signaling that, after a short walk, you’ve completed your required strut and are now signalling to whomever it is that you’re ready to turn around and go back.

Victoria’s Secret generously redefined the idea that anyone can be friends with the popular kids, you just have to sing really well and also already be successful in order to do so

Hey! You! Don’t let anyone tell you that if you’re weird looking can’t be friends with the most popular kids in school.  All you need to do is be an otherwise semi-decent looking person with a platinum selling album (preferably more) and a connection to Taylor Swift, who may or may not be a moonlighting VS model, and you’re in! So if you’re someone like me who wasn’t born with the genetic makeup of the most ideal human beings on the planet, you better start learning a talent that can skyrocket you into the friendship circle of the elite, or else you’re just going to be shit out of luck. Godspeed, mediocre people of the Earth.

The key to being popular is also being extremely, ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

The key to being popular is also being ridiculously successful to the point where no one really cares what you look like.

Victoria’s Secret redefined the meaning of “too many cooks in the kitchen”

Case and point, when you have too many people in a concentrated area, one of them is bound to get hit in the face with a pair of 5-foot plastic, feathered wings while they’re trying to do their job.

GET IT OFF ME!

GET IT OFF ME!

Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes

At first one might think that capes only belong on superheroes. But last night, Victoria’s Secret aggressively redefined the use of capes while wearing undergarments.  If anyone thought that bedazzled bras and panties were just too plain for the naked eye, well, you can just jazz it right up with a color coordinating cape.  I was on the fence about what the fashion element of the show was actually about, but after seeing the monumentally aggressive display of capes varying in size and style, I think we can all agree that we stand corrected.

 ***

Did you watch the fashion show? What did you think?

I Don’t Think It Could Be Any More Clear That Jennifer Lopez Is A Vampire

Hi. Um, yes. I’ll have infinity amounts of whatever Jennifer Lopez is having.

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These pictures are difinitive proof that vampires exist and Jennifer Lopez is a fang away from being Queen of the Latin Daywalkers.

I mean, holy damn. Does this woman age? Like ever? The progression from twenty-four to twenty-five put at least three wrinkles on my face. Meanwhile Lady Lopez is over here flaunting her pristine body for the whole world to see for twenty years NON-STOP.

If this is what forty-five looks like, I’ll sign my name on the dotted line and skip my thirties in a heartbeat. I need abs, I need a nice butt, I need that face. GIMME.

Not to mention her face hasn’t seen a wrinkle since she was born, but I mean, holy shit, give women around the world a break.  Don’t vampires have to go to sleep during the day? How is she walking among us? Where is her maker?

I NEED ANSWERS.

If you, or anyone you know, has insight or information on how I can be reborn as a latin woman, please let me know. I need these genes. The latin community is just birthing dynamos and I’m sitting here wondering what I need to do to change my face and body and life to become 3% Latina.

In honor of my monumental discovery of JLo being a vampire, here is a list of some other people that I think may be in the vamp cahoots waiting to be exposed.

Jennifer Aniston She’s timeless, she’s likeable, she’s entrancing.  All three qualities of a well bred vampire. Stay away.

Kate Beckinsale: Genetically impossible. Just like vampires.

George Clooney and Richard Gere: Both have had silver hair and the same face since 1990 and no one has questioned it. Until now.

Halle Berry: No one looks that good in a bikini for that long unless you suck people’s blood for food.

Sofia Vergara: Colombian vampires are almost as lethal as whatever JLo’s ancestry is. Just breeding ageless humans since the beginning of time.

Gabrielle Union: She has the face of a 20-year-old and could still feasibly star in Bring It On 2 without it being wierd. Kirsten Dunst, not so much.

John Stamos: Uncle Jesse. HELLO.

On the other hand, I can assure you MaCaulay Culkin is not a vampire because look at his face:

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Yup, definitely a human. Age on, Richie Rich!


Do you know any celebrities that might be a vampire?

 

Cheers to you, to me, to you, and back to me again, and then you, and then me.

Irish or not, you know about St. Patrick’s Day.

Seeing as Monday is one of the most glorified drinking holidays on the planet, I figured I’d give you a little something to think about going into the weekend.  There’s going to be beer, there’s going to be drinking, there’s going to be parades, and most of all, there are going to be, “CHEERS!”

Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard them all, “To good friends! – To good times!” yadda, yadda, yadda.  BOOOORING.

If you stick with the run of the mill drink clinks, you’ll quickly run out of things to say and simultaneously raise your glass.  That’s why I’m here to help you.

The following is a list of things you can, “Cheers!” to this weekend in honor of Saint Patrick:

  • To money
  • To your bank account
  • To your parents, because without them you would not be alive and drinking today
  • To not falling down
  • To the Pilgrims and Indians getting along splendidly
  • To the military and the USA
  • To falling down and getting back up
  • To that kid not wearing green because “he isn’t Irish”
  • To that kid peeing on the sidewalk
  • To your friends because, “OH MY GAHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH”
  • To not using public restrooms
  • To finally getting to use the public restroom
  • To airplanes and automobiles that will bring you home
  • To candy hearts that express emotions so you don’t have to
  • To being single and not running into your ex
  • To not being single and running into your ex
  • To Tinder when there’s a surplus of hot drunk individuals in one concentrated area
  • To seeing eye dogs – because they’re the shit
  • To Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski (he did not have sexual relations with that woman)
  • To not wearing heels
  • To bacon, eggs, and cheese, and bread.  So much bread.
  • To live music and uncomfortably swaying and calling it ‘dancing’
  • To Outkast reuniting
  • To free alcohol
  • To stealing alcohol
  • To making fast friends on the streets that you have absolutely no intention of ever talking to again
  • To sleep number beds for always knowing what you want
  • To McDonald’s for giving us the Happy Meal when you’re ordering over 18 years of age
  • To wearing sunglasses when it’s not sunny because you’re too hungover to be in public
  • To the one time of the year wear corn beef and cabbage is a fun thing to eat
  • To castles and royalty
  • TO POTATOES!
  • To infinity and beyond
  • To street meat
  • To Janet Jackson’s nip slip
  • To Leo DeCaps and Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”
  • To finding out all your socks matching up after laundry
  • To cooking something that isn’t poisonous
  • To haircuts and looking so fresh and so clean, clean
  • To creating resolutions and breaking them
  • To giving up beer for Lent…… then taking it back because St. Patrick’s day is during Lent
  • To the world’s largest ball of yarn
  • TO POTATOES!
  • To tear-away Adidas sweats and white high top sneakers
  • To snap bracelets and snap backs and Snap, Crackle, Pop
  • To Ramen noodles and drinking like you’re in college again
  • To day drinking and passing out before 9pm
  • To having an excuse to drunk dial your mom and dad just to , “Say hey.”
  • To Ireland and the people from it who immigrated here because there were no potatoes, without whom we would not be the population of drunk people we are today, and we have to salute you the only way we know how, by getting drunk

Go forth, my sons, into the land of inebriation. 

26 Things the Grammys taught me.

THANKS!!!

THANKS!!!

The 2014 Grammys and malbec go together like wine and everything else every day of my life.  Kendrick Lamar was robbed in broad nightlight.  Revenge will be sought.  So yeah, in a nutshell, this is what I learned:

Pharrell Williams gave everyone a preview of his halloween costume.

Guess I can’t be Indiana Jones this year. Damnit.

Kendrick Lamar is perfect.

I would have locked him down as my prom date and future boyfriend so fast in high school.  We could have awkwardly slow danced to Vitamin-C’s “Graduation” whilst daydreaming about our future. Hey Kendrick, call me… not maybe.  Call me for real.

Yes, yes I will marry you.

Yes, yes I will marry you.

Rita Ora is my bff in my head.

Move over, Jennifer Lawrence, you are no longer my #1.  Rita Ora just turned the imaginary bff game upside down.  Multi-color packman nails? SIGN. ME. UP. Besties fo’ lyfe.  Rita, have your people call my people (my mom) and let’s set up a time to hang out.  Maybe we can go to an amusement park or I can be your +1 to an exclusive hollywood party in which I meet Drake and we get married…  You can pick.

Kevin Hart is so small.

I didn’t just learn this tonight.  But I did learn he is an entire torso shorter than everyone else in the world.

too short to ride this ride.

too short to ride this ride.

The term “baby bump” is uncomfortable.

Just stop it. Stop.  Traffic terminology is not acceptable when referencing pregnancy.

Lorde needs to be diagnosed with arthritis.

There is no other explanation for the clenching of the fingers.  I’m not even a doctor and I know claw hands are not a desirable trait to have.  She’s either secretly practicing witchcraft or preparing for Halloween as an elderly woman.

Broomsticks double as stripper poles.

I knew witches and wizards had a little something extra with wands and pointy hats, but now you’re telling me their brooms are also stripper poles?  Some people have all the luck.  I see you winding and grinding up on that pole, Hermoine.

Headgear is on the cusp of becoming a fashion staple.

LL Cool J has worn the same newsboy hat since ’93. Daft Punk with star wars helmets.  Pharrell embodying Indiana Jones.  Zac Brown beanie swag.

John Legend looks like a cartoon.

Has anyone ever walked the earth as a living, breathing animation better than John Legend?  A straight up cross between Cleveland from Family Guy and Gerald from Hey Arnold.

just an afro away.

just an afro away.

Taylor Swift is the most loveable and hateable person on the planet. 

Her dancing. Her hair flipping. I love her songs. I can’t stand her being so shocked all the time.  She knows she’s good – own it. Stop being all surprised people relate to you.

There are only six awards during the entire show.

This shouldn’t be considered an award show.  It’s more of a two-hour time block in which you get a glimpse into every single possible facet of music using only the most famous and/or popular people in each genre.  It’s like going to a music festival and only caring about three out of the ninety bands playing.  Waste of time.

The circus revival is not going to happen until Barnum and Bailey both give Pink a personal phone call.

I mean seriously.  How many times is this girl supposed to dangle from a sheet without a harness before they deem her worthy?  She clearly wants in on the Ringling Bros. GIVE THE GIRL A CHANCE.

Give this girl a job already.

Give this girl a job already.

Visa Mastercard is doing Priceless Surprises and I need to have it happen to me.

Where do I sign up and how much money do I need to spend to have Aaron Paul and Kendrick Lamar show up at my doorstep and hang out with me?

Kendrick Lamar won the Grammys and punched the world right in the eyeball. 

Don’t care how long Taylor Swift sultry stared into the camera demanding recognition for her relational hardships, or how mysterious Katy Perry’s mystical forest was, Kendrick just performed in an all white track suit and didn’t suck.  Done.

Kacey Musgraves is better than TSwift and everyone needs to know it.

When you stop complaining about relationships when you’re pretty, rich, and famous, and be less annoying all around, you have Kacey Musgraves.  Get it girl.

The Osbournes need to make their comeback and reclaim their throne as reality tv royalty.

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Yo MTV, bring back The Osbournes.

Go away, Kardashians, the patriarch of the metal head family dynasty needs to return to MTV.  Ozzy’s presentation delivery was phenomenal.  And we need more of this in our lives.

Everyone now knows what a nursing home talent show would look like. 

Willie Nelson and company showing us , literally how old they are.  If your grandma asks you to come see her performance in the talent show at Sweet Acres Retirement Center, just respond with a, “Thanks, but I think I’ve had my fill of adult entertainment for a while.”

The Storm Troopers made an appearance.

Oh, wait.  That was just Daft Punk being Daft Punk.

Kristen Stewart has passed the awkward torch.

Lorde just stole that flame; just absolutely the most awkward person on the planet channeling Elvira at the Grammys. And…. posture. Learn it, live it, love it.

safety first. silence second.

safety first. silence second.

Daft Punk needs to give a speech at my wedding.

I don’t care who I need to pay, or what soul I need to sell, it will happen, and it will be silent as hell.

Lindsey Buckingham made an appearance.

And Keenan Thompson wasn’t a part of it.  I was praying on all deities for a What Up Wit Dat re-enactment.  SNL for the win

Lindsey Buckingham Saturday Night Live May 14 b

the best.

Bolo ties are real, and they’re here to stay.

Macklemore, Bruno Mars, the NFL.  Who’s next?

Madonna never left her music video.

In case you were wondering, the reigning Queen of Pop still thinks she’s in her music video for, “Don’t Tell Me,” cowboy hat included.

Kent Knappenberger needs to open up a restaraunt. 

Mail it in on the teaching music.  If I don’t have a Knappenburger with extra BBQ sauce and a side of onion rings by Friday, I’m quitting my job, renouncing my United States citizenship, and becoming a nomad (just kidding… unless it really happens).  Also, if he didn’t win beard of the year award, it went to ZZ Top, and that’s fair, but I think they should do a recount.

pass the torch already

pass the torch already

White suits are the only way to establish dominance.

Backstreet Boys did it in the 90s, and 2014 is bringing it back. Kendrick Lamar, Imagine Dragons, and Daft Punk all asserting their power over the music industry with full on white on white suits.  Just a sweatband and an Adidas high top sneaker away from an NBA practice squad.

Daft Punk got lucky.

In no way, shape, or form should they have beat out Kendrick Lamar.  But the biggest cop out is the fact that they received this honor and can’t even speak for themselves.  I can’t tell if I hate them or respect them for staying in character.

… and now it’s time for bed. Malbec and Meg out.

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Grammy Live Tweet. #CrushedIt

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