Irish or not, you know about St. Patrick’s Day.
Seeing as Monday is one of the most glorified drinking holidays on the planet, I figured I’d give you a little something to think about going into the weekend. There’s going to be beer, there’s going to be drinking, there’s going to be parades, and most of all, there are going to be, “CHEERS!”
Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard them all, “To good friends! – To good times!” yadda, yadda, yadda. BOOOORING.
If you stick with the run of the mill drink clinks, you’ll quickly run out of things to say and simultaneously raise your glass. That’s why I’m here to help you.
The following is a list of things you can, “Cheers!” to this weekend in honor of Saint Patrick:
- To money
- To your bank account
- To your parents, because without them you would not be alive and drinking today
- To not falling down
- To the Pilgrims and Indians getting along splendidly
- To the military and the USA
- To falling down and getting back up
- To that kid not wearing green because “he isn’t Irish”
- To that kid peeing on the sidewalk
- To your friends because, “OH MY GAHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH”
- To not using public restrooms
- To finally getting to use the public restroom
- To airplanes and automobiles that will bring you home
- To candy hearts that express emotions so you don’t have to
- To being single and not running into your ex
- To not being single and running into your ex
- To Tinder when there’s a surplus of hot drunk individuals in one concentrated area
- To seeing eye dogs – because they’re the shit
- To Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski (he did not have sexual relations with that woman)
- To not wearing heels
- To bacon, eggs, and cheese, and bread. So much bread.
- To live music and uncomfortably swaying and calling it ‘dancing’
- To Outkast reuniting
- To free alcohol
- To stealing alcohol
- To making fast friends on the streets that you have absolutely no intention of ever talking to again
- To sleep number beds for always knowing what you want
- To McDonald’s for giving us the Happy Meal when you’re ordering over 18 years of age
- To wearing sunglasses when it’s not sunny because you’re too hungover to be in public
- To the one time of the year wear corn beef and cabbage is a fun thing to eat
- To castles and royalty
- TO POTATOES!
- To infinity and beyond
- To street meat
- To Janet Jackson’s nip slip
- To Leo DeCaps and Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”
- To finding out all your socks matching up after laundry
- To cooking something that isn’t poisonous
- To haircuts and looking so fresh and so clean, clean
- To creating resolutions and breaking them
- To giving up beer for Lent…… then taking it back because St. Patrick’s day is during Lent
- To the world’s largest ball of yarn
- TO POTATOES!
- To tear-away Adidas sweats and white high top sneakers
- To snap bracelets and snap backs and Snap, Crackle, Pop
- To Ramen noodles and drinking like you’re in college again
- To day drinking and passing out before 9pm
- To having an excuse to drunk dial your mom and dad just to , “Say hey.”
- To Ireland and the people from it who immigrated here because there were no potatoes, without whom we would not be the population of drunk people we are today, and we have to salute you the only way we know how, by getting drunk
Go forth, my sons, into the land of inebriation.