SkyMall Filed For Bankruptcy And I Have Nothing To Live For Anymore

That was not hyperbole. SkyMall is donezo, which means I may as well renounce my citizenship and become a castaway living off the land and having a volleyball as a best friend.

But, that’s also how I pretty much live my life right now, so I need to up my ante on the dramatic life exits.

Maybe I’ll start a cult or join a Peruvian scooter gang. I just need something to fill the void that’s in the back seat pocket on the plane of life.

A lot of people, myself included, are absolutely devastated about the news of SkyMall closing its mile-high doors.

I like to think of myself as less of a dweller on bad times and more of a solver of problems.  (Please don’t ask anyone close to me if this is true, I’m sure they’ll tell you endless stories about me crying on the bathroom floor when I couldn’t find my hidden stash of oreos at 3am.)  But, in my honest, inflated opinion of myself, I think that I really do my best to solve issues at hand rather than complain about what went wrong.

Which is why I’m going to try and save SkyMall from bankruptcy. If you don’t know why I’m so dead set on saving the mall up high from an eternal grave, please read this, this, and this.

I’m basically their unofficial-spokesperson/stalker/avid seeker of their attention via the twittersphere.  It’s a title that I take extremely seriously, but very lightly, because I do not want to get arrested.

HELP. PLEASE, SEND HELP.

HELP. PLEASE, SEND HELP.

Here are my ideas for how to save SkyMall:

Bake Sale: There has never been anything in the history of the earth that a bake sale couldn’t solve.  School fundraiser? Bake Sale. Diabetes? Bake sale. World Peace? Bake sale.  There’s nothing better to get unsuspecting humans into paying for overpriced baked treats than to slap on a big “HELP ME, I’M POOR” sign in front of your logo.  Cookies win wars. It’s science.

Car Wash: Bonus points for hot women in bikinis. At least they always look like they’re profitable in the movies.  In my experience, it was always the one attractive girl out on the street flagging people down while all the rest of us mediocre-looking wet dogs slaved away in nurse scrubs and fishing boots in the name of charity.  It really sucks not being a Victoria’s Secret model.

Ebooks: Everyone else is doing it.  Why not just digitize your pages and have SkyMall available for tablets all over the world? Seems silly, but I’m also a super genius with a slightly above average IQ that’s not really a genius at all and am probably just stating the obvious answer they already thought of but were too poor to execute.  Sorry for my insensitivity, SkyMall.

Peaceful, Yet Extremely Disruptive Protests: Nothing gets the people up in arms like a good old fashioned disruptive protest. Chain yourself to a barrel, block a highway, ruin the morning commute; do anything, but also do it in the name of SkyMall and everything will be covered in the news, forcing people to care about your cause and contribute their hard earned, taxed dollars that they can’t make because they can’t even arrive to work on time.

Replace Current Airplane Seat Back Pockets With Issues of Unsolvable Crossword Puzzles About Current Events: With only -275% of the population able to complete this exercise, people will be begging for SkyMall to be put back onto planes across the world because frankly, I’d rather stare at a life sized Big Foot I can’t afford than a problem I can’t solve (see above statement where I talk about being a problem solver).

Stockpile/Hoard All Current/Previous Issues: Hold on to them for, like, one hundred years then start bringing them to Antiques Roadshow to appraise and sell them off.  This has a 40% chance of being an effective strategy that can pretty much reinvigorate the industry’s need for an in-flight magazine.  Just a thought. Take it or leave it.

There you have it. If you take all of these seriously and throw them out the window at the same time, it just might be dumb enough to work.  Let’s pool together our resources, crack open infinity bottles of wine and save SkyMall so we can be legends in the skies and get a cement statue for sale for the low price of $4,000. Which is totally acceptable, because we’re all flawless mother truckers.

And all was right in the world.

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How would YOU save SkyMall?

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I Got My Hands On SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog And I’ve Decided It’s The New Bible

You know, if the bible was a airplane magazine that sold you everything you never knew you needed ever in your lifetime.

Listen, we all just want to get through each day without tripping off a sidewalk, spilling food on ourselves, and trying not to relate every conversation back to your obsession with 19 Kids and Counting.

And while I’m masking my inadequacies surrounding social interactions with interjections about my affinity for TLC’s reality television programs, other people are actually just trying to get through the day alive. Especially if you hate your job.  Which, according to almost everyone I’ve talking to – aside from Beyonce who gets to take a year of to just go and “try to get pregnant” with Jay-Z for the next year – everyone pretty much hates their job.

Sorry, I need to go back to that for a moment. Yes, Beyonce is taking a year off from making mazillions (real number, google it) (please don’t) of dollars so that her and Jay-Z can go live in Paris to have secret sex and try and make a second baby. Celebrities have it so tough.

Anyways, while the rest of the population is metaphorically stabbing their eyeballs out while sitting in a cube all day being slaves in corporate purgatory, there are two things that seem to brighten the long days spent inside staring at a computer screen and spinning in your rolly chair.

One of those things is alcohol. The other one of those things, is SkyMall.

I’ve written numerous posts about my obsession with SkyMall, but recently, a coworker let me twiddle my fingers through the pages of their much sought after holiday catalog and I was immediately filled with so much glee I almost spontaneously broke into a solo flash mob in my office. #JaneLynch

Within these pages, there are tons and tons of new items, products, toys, and games that I need in my life.  Obviously, you should all visit their website and buy a shit ton of stuff because it will enrich both your social and love life, but also because SkyMall has all the things you need to make your life a mazillion times better than it is right now.

My Top 5 Must-Haves From SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog

OrbitWheels

OrbitWheels

1. OrbitWheels

People are always pointing out how lazy I am when it comes to doing any sort of physical activity. Mainly because my idea of a workout is getting up to refill my third bowl of Frosted Flakes, but that’s not the point.  These bad boys would allow me to glide all over the world like a certified exercising BOSS.  Not only is Boston not very hilly, the sidewalks are pretty ruthless and cutthroat, which is why these feet wheels would be the ultimate weapon of power when commuting to work. MOVE OVER, LADY.

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

2. Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

As I previously mentioned in one of my most sophisticated posts to date, my boyfriend and I are moving in together.  I’m assuming there will be arguments, mostly because we fight over things like who has more cheese on their burrito or who can get to the fridge faster in order to eat the last Trader Joe’s cupcake.  In order to be the ultimate wit warrior, I’m going to need another woman on my side. And while adding a second, human, lady roommate to our one-bedroom apartment could cause a serious rift, I see no issue with a lady lamp. What I see here is a built in companion ready to defend my idiosyncrasies and ridiculous/crazy/borderline obsessive tendencies to her dumpster grave.

Fyxation Caddy

Fyxation Caddy

3. Fyxation Caddy

I actually don’t even own a bike, but if I can just attach this to my stationary cycle while I’m at spin class, that 45 minutes would go by a hell of a lot faster. I totally wish I would have had this in college, as it would have made my entrance into parties much more exciting for everyone in attendance.  Then I wouldn’t be that weird girl in the corner that no one really knows how she got there. I’d just be that weird girl with her bike beers trying to get everyone drunk enough to forget I actually am the weird girl in the corner, and I see no issue with that.

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Hovertrax

4. Hovertrax

And this may be the best thing the world never knew it needed. The best part about the airport, aside from it being socially acceptable to be drunk at all hours, is that there are people movers. You don’t have to walk and yet you still move.  Well Hovertrax is coming in hot with mobility without movement.  Hungover? Hovertrax home. Hard gym workout? Hovertrax it back. The possibilities are endless.

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Customized Shark Boat

5. Seabreacher Customized Boat

I don’t even know what realm of the universe you’re living on if I have to explain to you the urgency of ownership revolving around this customized sharkboat.  Sure it’s almost $100,000, and I’ll probably have to do some aggressive begging and maybe street walking in order to get it, but hey, you just can’t put a price tag on happiness.  At least that’s what I keep telling my boyfriend when I talk about how affordable Michael Kors watches are during Christmas time. (So affordable, right!?)


What do you have on your holiday lists? Have you started shopping yet?

SkyMall Power Rankings: My Top 5 Family Friendly Products

Everyone who is anyone knows I have a serious obsession with SkyMall.

Well, lucky for me, they have a new contest out, and I could win the $500 gift card of my dreams if I vote for the best family friendly product the mile-high conglomerate has to offer.

But why, more importantly, HOW do I pick just one?  I mean this magazine is chock full of fun for everyone, I just can’t narrow it down.  It’s like when my mom asked me which birthday present I wanted to open first, and I just said, “All of them.”

Anyways, here is my list of the top 5 family friendly products:

5.  Cabana Islander

cabana

For those who can’t afford a personal private island, this is a must have second tier option.  Float in your pool, a lake, or the ocean and feel the breeze through magnificent cross ventilation due to the lack of doors.  But there’s a cooler!  Someone call Tom Hanks and tell him and Wilson to give me a credit card, because avoiding Helen Hunt for four years just got way more comfortable.

4.  Pushi Pushi Raincoat

push

If your dog isn’t wearing a raincoat, than you’re not doing enough to treat him or her like a human.  Dogs cannot, under any circumstances be left to face the elements unprotected.  It’s a little known fact that they will actually melt if water so much as touches their face.  Protect your dog, protect your life.

3.  Self-Watering Planters

plant

I can’t even remember to shower every day, how am I supposed to be responsible for the lifeline of a plant outside my door?  I am only concerned with things within a five foot radius of my person, it’s a personal bubble.  Sorry, ficus, you must water yourself.  Evolution is the key to success in life, adapt and move on, plants.

2.  Cam-O-Bunk

bunk

Sleepovers anywhere, anytime, anyplace.  Ever want to go to sleep but you’re worried about how you’re going to fit two people in such a small area?  Have no fear!  Just pop up this camo-bunk and not only will you be channelling Bear Grylls in the sheets (not dirty, get your mind out of the gutter) but you’ll be dreaming sweet vignettes of undercover covert ops, transforming your back yard into a slumbering battlezone.  Sleep on, soldier.

1.  Vinnibag

vin

I don’t know why I would even have to explain the importance of safe alcohol travel, but alas, I will.  Not only has alcohol manufacturing not evolved to adapt to the clumsiness of people like me who tend to have sweaty palms in awkward situations (that also tend to require alcohol), but bottles drop, glass breaks.  But not anymore, protect your bottle from damage with this inflatable protective bag. You can also use it for olive oil, but come on, wine is way more important than lubing up your pan for a piece of chicken.

There you have it, folks.  The definitive list of all things great in the family friendly production realm.  I’d like to thank SkyMall for its continued efforts in curating high quality, unique items for sale in the mile high skies.

I am forever entertained, and always excited to see what is in the next issue.

Stay classy, Internet.


Do you have a favorite SkyMall product?

I’m Obsessed With SkyMall And I Don’t Care Who Knows It

Some people hate flying.  I happen to love it.

And it’s not because you can get drunk above sea level.  It’s not because I’m anticipating landing at my destination.  It’s definitely not because of that one time the inflight radio played Hilary Duff’s Metamorphosis on repeat for six hours while I traveled to California from New York.

I love flying because I simply cannot wait to sit down, pull open the seat back pocket and unveil the latest issue of SkyMall.

There have been heated debates as to which magazine is the best in all the land.  And personally, I don’t even think it’s a close race.

Sure, People has celebrity gossip, and fashion advice from the professionals.

Cosmopolitan has those weird sex positions that make you want to renounce citizenship and become celibate before ever letting your partner near you while only wearing a chef hat and wielding a spatula.

But SkyMall has everything you didn’t know you needed all inside an 87  page magazine.  

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For when plugs simply just don’t cut it.

Have you ever been washing your hands and thought about how your phone was about to die?  SkyMall has the answer.  Aside from the fact that your phone probably isn’t waterproof, and this may be a pretty risky purchase, you can rest assured that you will be the only one of your friends that can simultaneously dry their hands and charge their iPad.

 

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The new-age scarecrow.

Put all those history buffs in their place with this Jurassic-sized velociraptor statue.  Fossil buffs and Pangea enthusiasts can spruce up their garden with this carnivorous lizard that will surely keep those pesky deer from eating your plants when you’re away.

Actually, it should be noted that the entire outdoor patio section is a MUST SEE.  But keep your wallets locked up, or else you’ll end up spending money on an 8-foot-tall giant silverback gorilla statue and a BigFoot garden yeti sculpture to match your dinosaur collection.

I’m not even joking when I tell you the best present I’ve ever received was from SkyMall.  I’d like to take this time to thank my aunt for purchasing me a glorious white noise machine that soothes my soul and puts me to sleep like a straight up boulder every night.  I would be a thousand times more grumpy than I already am without it.

Not to mention, SkyMall is just adding fuel to my obsessive fire because they follow me on twitter.  I’m not sure if it’s because they’re rewarding my supportive nature, or they’re just genuinely scared that I may off myself if I don’t get some sort of social recognition for my commitment to a travel magazine.

Hey, SkyMall, if you’re looking for models for your products, or need a potentially over enthusiastic person to write really amazing product descriptions, inquire within.  I can absolutely help you out. 

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#BornForThis

Who did it better? (Don’t answer that.)

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Amateur.