Annual Oscar live tweet extravaganza where I mostly talk about how much I dislike Kristen Stewart and fake date Leo DiCaps.

Award show season!  Thank you for giving me the momentous excuse opportunity to pollute the twittersphere and subsequently the rest of the social media universe with all of my thoughts and feelings on the Oscars.

both of us are empty inside.

both of us are empty inside

I’ll be here all night, unfortunately.

Drink a bottle of your favorite, cheapest wine, and take a seat right in front of your television AND computer and hop on the train to funtown.  We’re gonna tweet up a storm, and you’re going to need a raincoat.  Or an umbrella.  Or some galoshes.  Or just a roof.

Follow me on social media outlets around the world so you can hear the latest, greatest, and my strong opinion on Kristen Stewart. (Hint: It’s not a favorable one.)

 


I also need new people to follow, so if you let me know you’re alive out there in the twitterverse, I’ll follow you back and we can talk shit about all the people who thought fur cufflinks are totally in style (what losers, right?!)

Advertisements

EMERGENCY ALERT: HELP ME WIN A FREE BURRITO

It’s been one year since I went to war with Chipotle, and now I have a chance at redemption.

This is the first Chipotle, ever, in the history of the world. I found it. And I ate there. And it was magic.

This is the first Chipotle, ever, in the history of the world. I found it. And I ate there. And it was magic.

If you don’t remember, or if you don’t care, it was basically the biggest victory of all mankind and I revel in the idea of winning fair and square this year.

Chipotle has given the public another chance to WIN two free burritos this Valentine’s Day by writing haikus and posting it on social media.

I need help winning this for the second time. This will not only be the greatest accomplishment in my twenty-five years of living, I’m pretty sure it will top the day I get married and/or have children.

And god only knows when that’s going to happen because on my first date with my boyfriend, all I talked about was my feud with Chipotle, onion rings, and sweet potato fries.  I think he partially thinks I’m certifiably insane. And no one wants to commit a lifetime to someone who is certifiably insane.

He’s not wrong though.

Whatever.  I don’t just want this to happen.  I need it to happen.

So, here’s what you can do for me.  And really, if you do this for me, let me know what I can do for you.  I’m really good at giving high fives, making cookies from mixes that only require adding water, and eating competitively against people who aren’t competitive eaters. 

Please head over to Twitter and retweet THIS tweet and the person with the most at the end of the day today will win!  I HOPE IT’S ME.

Or if Facebook is your social drug of choice, head over to Chipotle’s wall and ‘like’ THIS post by yours truly.

Thanks for supporting and fueling my inevitable descent into gluttony. 

Ps – I know. My life is sad.  But what else is there to do but ignore the world when there are two free burritos, chips and guac, and the fountain soda of your choice on the line?  NOTHING. NOTHING I SAY.

VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED: It’s the VMA’s and I have access to social media, a large bottle of wine and no filter.

Screen Shot 2014-04-13 at 7.07.31 PMAward show season!  Thank you for giving me the momentous excuse opportunity to pollute the twittersphere and subsequently the rest of the social media universe with all of my thoughts and feelings on the MTV VMA’s.

Join me, won’t you?  It’s time to watch award shows and let social media know what you really think about Katy Perry’s hair, if Lady Gaga is actually wearing a dress or just walking around in a cowhide, and whether or not Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez are really dating… wait, are they? I can’t keep up.

It’s the VMAs, and we should talk shit about celebrities without consequences while we still can.  I think in the future they may be able to virtually punch us in the face, and I will probably have a long list of people waiting in line.  I see you Kristen Stewart.

Follow me on Twitter to see the full rant rundown.

I’ll be here all night, unfortunately.

Drink a bottle of your favorite, cheapest wine, and take a seat right in front of your television AND computer and hop on the train to funtown.  We’re gonna tweet up a storm, and you’re going to need a raincoat.  Or an umbrella.  Or some galoshes.  Or just a roof.

LIVE TWEET:

 

 

You want to know if I hate my job?

It’s all in a day’s work.

If you are one of those people who springs up out of your sleep sack bursting with energy, excitement oozing out your eyeballs, ears and nose, beaming with unlimited joy because you’re just so elated to strut into work and get grinding, you are not a real person because no one is that happy.

On the contrary, if you are lucky enough to not absolutely abhor the idea of going into work, whether it be the office environment is awesome, you love the people, or you’ve found yourself in a career in which you are equally passionate and satisfied, that is amazing, and don’t take it for granted.

A lot of people hate their jobs.

Fortunately, I am not one of them. In the two scenarios I described above, I fall into the latter. Even though when I was growing up, my father repeatedly told me to avoid marketing and advertising, as he has been in the business for over twenty years, I stayed true to my stubborn and disobedient nature by doing the exact opposite of what he told me and was formally employed at a marketing agency starting in August of 2013.

I’ve either ignored or stubbornly brushed aside a lot of my father’s wisdom tidbits throughout the years, but one piece of advice I did accept rings true.  He has always urged me to constantly look for ways to better myself in my career and never settle.

For me, this is one of those aim high, shoot low situations.  Because while I’m ambitious, I realize the reality of me attaining my actual dream job is extremely unlikely, and here’s why:  

I don’t think my dream jobs are actually real jobs.

What I do know is that I am extremely qualified for these positions should they exist.  Also, if they do happen to exist, and on the small chance that a CEO of a company that has an opening for one of these positions may be reading this, the hope is that he or she will direct their mouse’s curser to the “Want To Give Me A Job?” tab and promptly fill out a contact form in order to offer me employment.

Like I said, aim high, shoot low.  I’ll stick with my day job for now.  But just in case, here is a list of jobs that I am extremely qualified to obtain, if only they existed in real life:

Onion Ring Connoisseur

If you don’t know by now, you should understand that one of my truest loves on planet Earth are the majestic side item this world likes to call onion rings. I just love them.  So much so that I make a point to try them at every restaurant and rate them.  Gotta have a great crispy outside, and a non stringy inside.  Not that difficult, but apparently very difficult because I’ve only found a handful of restaurants crack the top half of the 1-10 scale, so all you fine dining establishments better step up your game.  And maybe call up Dennys and ask what their secret is, because those rings are FLAMES.

Live Tweeter

This is a position that does actually exist, but I assume is extremely difficult to obtain.  There is nothing I love more than crushing a bottle of wine and making outlandish judgments about celebrities on award shows. Well, maybe puppies.  I do love puppies a lot.  If I could do that for monetary compensation, my endorphins would be so high through the roof I’d practically be metaphorically flying through the Twittersphere.

Dog Voice Creator

Ever wanted to know what your dog would sound like if it was a human? No problem, bring it on down to my apartment, I’ll take one good look at him or her, and promptly give you an accent that you can have 0% confidence in its accuracy.  It may not be correct, but it will give you the slightest smile when your dog is incessantly barking at that squirrel for you to think about him or her saying, “I want to go outside, Mom!” in a British accent with a monocle and a pipe.  Disclaimer: Golden Retrievers are always going to be surfers, it just makes sense.

Complaint Writer

chipotle

UPDATE: still waiting to “receive something in the mail”

I have no problem writing long winded emails to large corporations citing my reasons for unhappiness.  If anyone had a problem and they couldn’t find the words to verbalize their dissatisfaction, I would totally love to be that person.  Case and point: this little letter I wrote to Chipotle about the time I missed their haiku contest and was unintentionally disqualified from winning the contest. (Inquire within to get help writing your complaints today!)

*** Really, I’d like to be an actual writer paid for my work.  But that just seems absurd.  So I’ll go on selling my soul to Elite Daily solely for exposure hoping that someone thinks I’m worthy somewhere down the line.

… So, anyone want to give me a job?

 

 

 

It’s time to drink a bottle of wine and make outlandish, judgmental statements about celebrities and cinematic productions.

both of us are empty inside.

both of us are empty inside.

Award show season!  Thank you for giving me the momentous excuse opportunity to pollute the twittersphere and subsequently the rest of the social media universe with all of my thoughts and feelings on the Oscars.

I’ll be here all night, unfortunately.

Drink a bottle of your favorite, cheapest wine, and take a seat right in front of your television AND computer and hop on the train to funtown.  We’re gonna tweet up a storm, and you’re going to need a raincoat.  Or an umbrella.  Or some galoshes.  Or just a roof.

LIVE TWEET:

Grammy Live Tweet. #CrushedIt

734453_10100114871323871_621936683_n