It’s all in a day’s work.

If you are one of those people who springs up out of your sleep sack bursting with energy, excitement oozing out your eyeballs, ears and nose, beaming with unlimited joy because you’re just so elated to strut into work and get grinding, you are not a real person because no one is that happy.

On the contrary, if you are lucky enough to not absolutely abhor the idea of going into work, whether it be the office environment is awesome, you love the people, or you’ve found yourself in a career in which you are equally passionate and satisfied, that is amazing, and don’t take it for granted.

A lot of people hate their jobs.

Fortunately, I am not one of them. In the two scenarios I described above, I fall into the latter. Even though when I was growing up, my father repeatedly told me to avoid marketing and advertising, as he has been in the business for over twenty years, I stayed true to my stubborn and disobedient nature by doing the exact opposite of what he told me and was formally employed at a marketing agency starting in August of 2013.

I’ve either ignored or stubbornly brushed aside a lot of my father’s wisdom tidbits throughout the years, but one piece of advice I did accept rings true.  He has always urged me to constantly look for ways to better myself in my career and never settle.

For me, this is one of those aim high, shoot low situations.  Because while I’m ambitious, I realize the reality of me attaining my actual dream job is extremely unlikely, and here’s why:  

I don’t think my dream jobs are actually real jobs.

What I do know is that I am extremely qualified for these positions should they exist.  Also, if they do happen to exist, and on the small chance that a CEO of a company that has an opening for one of these positions may be reading this, the hope is that he or she will direct their mouse’s curser to the “Want To Give Me A Job?” tab and promptly fill out a contact form in order to offer me employment.

Like I said, aim high, shoot low.  I’ll stick with my day job for now.  But just in case, here is a list of jobs that I am extremely qualified to obtain, if only they existed in real life:

Onion Ring Connoisseur

If you don’t know by now, you should understand that one of my truest loves on planet Earth are the majestic side item this world likes to call onion rings. I just love them.  So much so that I make a point to try them at every restaurant and rate them.  Gotta have a great crispy outside, and a non stringy inside.  Not that difficult, but apparently very difficult because I’ve only found a handful of restaurants crack the top half of the 1-10 scale, so all you fine dining establishments better step up your game.  And maybe call up Dennys and ask what their secret is, because those rings are FLAMES.

Live Tweeter

This is a position that does actually exist, but I assume is extremely difficult to obtain.  There is nothing I love more than crushing a bottle of wine and making outlandish judgments about celebrities on award shows. Well, maybe puppies.  I do love puppies a lot.  If I could do that for monetary compensation, my endorphins would be so high through the roof I’d practically be metaphorically flying through the Twittersphere.

Dog Voice Creator

Ever wanted to know what your dog would sound like if it was a human? No problem, bring it on down to my apartment, I’ll take one good look at him or her, and promptly give you an accent that you can have 0% confidence in its accuracy.  It may not be correct, but it will give you the slightest smile when your dog is incessantly barking at that squirrel for you to think about him or her saying, “I want to go outside, Mom!” in a British accent with a monocle and a pipe.  Disclaimer: Golden Retrievers are always going to be surfers, it just makes sense.

Complaint Writer

I have no problem writing long winded emails to large corporations citing my reasons for unhappiness.  If anyone had a problem and they couldn’t find the words to verbalize their dissatisfaction, I would totally love to be that person.  Case and point: this little letter I wrote to Chipotle about the time I missed their haiku contest and was unintentionally disqualified from winning the contest. (Inquire within to get help writing your complaints today!)

*** Really, I’d like to be an actual writer paid for my work.  But that just seems absurd.  So I’ll go on selling my soul to Elite Daily solely for exposure hoping that someone thinks I’m worthy somewhere down the line.

… So, anyone want to give me a job?