Life Is Too Short Not To Risk Your Life For Instagram

Pics or it didn’t happen. Am I right?

Yesterday I went on what I thought was going to be a leisurely Sunday hike and what actually turned out to be a near death experience at the expense of getting mad likes on my instagram account.

Hey Leo DiCaprio, I’m still available. ¬†Call me. #TitanicPose

Anyways, in an effort to celebrate my stupidity in exchange for some social media gratification,¬†I’ve compiled a list of things that you should just do because life is just too goddamn short.

Life is too short, so:

  • don’t hold grudges
  • don’t count¬†five seconds in order to eat things off the floor
  • don’t¬†wait for the crosswalk signal. just go. seriously.
  • don’t be unhappy
  • try not to develop allergies to food – come on bodies, ADAPT ALREADY
  • wear shoes that are comfortable
  • eat an entire box of cereal in one sitting
  • try all flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream
  • care about what other people think
  • don’t care about what other people think
  • be stupid
  • don’t¬†be stupid
  • don’t¬†grow up… like all the way
  • enjoy the finer things in life
  • pretend you’re still underage at the movie theaters in order to get discount movie tickets
  • pretend you’re of age at the liquor store in order to get alcohol
  • don’t skimp on ambition when it comes to your career
  • don’t settle
  • try and get through the express checkout lane with more than 15 items
  • drink lots of wine
  • eat lots of oreos
  • figure out what makes you happy
  • get hurt a bunch of times (preferably metaphorically, but maybe physically)
  • fall in love
  • then curse it when it¬†slaps you in the face
  • learn lessons and make mistakes
  • spend all your money
  • live on your own
  • and when you do live on your own, eat like you’re seven again because it’s all you can afford
  • listen to bad music
  • find things you like about yourself
  • change the things you don’t (preferably metaphorically, but maybe physically)
  • don’t drive like a jackass
  • use your turn signals
  • say thank you and please and hello and goodbye
  • be nice
  • make a bucket list
  • wear sunscreen
  • eat healthy
  • but always leave room for dessert
  • do what you want
  • but not at the expense of other people
  • stay hungry (preferably metaphorically, but obviously physically)
  • stay healthy
  • treat people the way you want to be treated
  • do things you don’t want to do
  • remember everything
  • leave a legacy

***

 Have you ever made a bucket list? How far did you get on it?

Advertisements

Watch Your Step, Mind The Gap, and Please, Just Don’t Look Down.

10300960_3074092526409_78992519920864355_n

Not that high up. But like… 2,000 feet high up.

If you do look down, just periodically look up. It sucks a lot when you¬†accidentally walk into a mailbox, a tree, or fall off a sidewalk because you weren’t¬†paying attention.

Unless you were trying to deliver the mail and missed. ¬†But then I guess you’re just bad at your job and should probably think of a new career path. ¬†Maybe bowling?

There are a lot of instances in life where you get to the top and look back at what you had to overcome to get there.  For me, looking at the thirteen stairs I had to surmount to make it to the second level of my house is a feat in itself and I do the Rocky jump every time I reach the top.

But aside from being overjoyed at accomplishing something elementary like walking up a flight of stairs, the initial shock after reaching a goal and realizing what it took to get you there is always humbling. ¬†But it can also be terrifying. ¬†Because there’s no where to go but down, right?

Is that cynical? I’m in a mood. It’s Thursday. WHERE ARE YOU, WEEKEND?

In the event that you’re unsure of what I’m talking about, here are some things in which you should never, under any circumstances, look down:

Heights: This is a no brainer, but anyone who says they love standing on top of really tall things and staring at their impending death upon falling is a certified jackass.  Aint nobody got time to stand up in the clouds without the proper harness contraption and feel safe, sane, and sturdy. I like the ground.  I like the ground a lot.

Other People: For real, you should never look down on other people.  You have no idea what kind of struggles they are going through, and making rash judgments about character or worth is not going to win you any sort of awards by stereotypically figuring them out.  Maybe you should take a cue from the book of humanity and actually get to know someone before you decide if they suck at life or not.

Other People: This is in more of a literal sense, because sometimes people are shorter than you. ¬†And sometimes they get offended when you point that out. ¬†Especially pay attention to this, ladies, if you’re out on a date with a short man, and you don’t think he knows he’s short, please refrain from making a comment. I can assure you he stares in the mirror every day praying to Height Jesus to bless him with some extra inches in the vertical department. I’m lucky to be short though, I’m always looking up. ¬†I have seen my fair share of nostrils though,and those aren’t pretty. Clean it up, people!

The Ring Of Fire: Johnny Cash went down there and I don’t think he came back. ¬†Mostly because he’s dead and stuff. So if you want to be daed and stuff with Johnny Cash, be my guest. Could be worse people to be dead with. ::cough, cough. Kristen Stewart::

Driving: Unless you want to add murder to your criminal record. ¬†Keep your eyes on the road. ¬†Especially you, person driving 45 in the fast lane, you’re definitely not paying attention. I can tell because I just drove up next to you to give you the middle finger and I saw your head staring down at your cell phone.

Cartons of Ice Cream: It’s never a good idea to look down at a carton of ice cream, because then you know just how much you’ve blindly eaten wile watching those eight episodes of 19 Kids and Counting. ¬†Just keep the lid close and plop that sucker right on there so you don’t have to see the pit of despair you’ve¬†created in that Cherry Garcia.

Wine: This should be a no brainer, because if you don’t look down, you don’t know how much you’ve drank. There’s always room for more wine, unless you run out. Actually, I take this one back. You should always monitor the wine. When the wine runs out, there’s chaos about. <– copyright that for me. PLEASE.

Shoes: This only applies if you have velcro straps or slip ons, because frankly it would be stupid of you to look down in that case.  What the hell do you plan on checking? If you still have feet?  If you have laces like normal humans above the age of six, please, check away.

Cell Phone While Walking:¬†If you do this, you’re a jackass (aka I’m a jackass). ¬†Not only are you saying that all other humans using the public walkways are completely and totally not important, you run the extreme risk of falling into a manhole, walking into a telephone pole, or bumping into another person that probably had a bad day and will throw a drink at you for making it worse. ¬†Think about it. Pockets are your friends.

***

Do you look down at anything? Are you one of those people who walks and texts at the same time? Do you like sweet potato fries or regular fries better?

I’m Going On Tour, Who Wants An Autograph?

Line up, kids! It’s a limited time offer for Megyonce¬†to write¬†you an email that has absolutely nothing to do with anything and sign it by typing out my name all fancy like this just like when we were in sixth grade:

‚̧ MEgLaGo~*BlOgGiNG qUaSi-CeLEbRiTy .:*~ ‚̧

That’s a signature fit for a star if I’ve ever seen one.

So in the event that you got this far without closing your tab and rendering that previous thirty seconds of your life wasted – although, I really will write you an email, just contact me; TRY ME, I DARE YOU – I’m not really going on tour, mainly because I don’t have any talents other than being able to successfully steal bananas from my job without getting caught (yet).

A lot of people who know me, and some who don’t, ask me how I come up with things to write about on my blog. ¬†The short and long answer is I really don’t know.

But that’s why I was overjoyed (yup, so full of joy!) when Taylor from¬†A Cup of Tay asked me to participate in a Blog Tour, because maybe that means we can both finally find out together why I’m so weird and what really went down at my friend’s birthday party that made me think it was a good idea to put balloons in my shirt to simulate boobs in front of a room of strangers.

OH! HOW FANCY!

OH! HOW FANCY!

Anyways, let’s take a trip into my brain and figure out what’s going on up there, shall we?

What am I working on?

Well, I’m not currently working on anything. That sentence is so depressing, I just bought stock in both Ben and Jerrys and sweatpants. Yes, sweatpants have stock, and I just bought some. ¬†If there is anything pressing on your mind that you want me to talk about, bitch about, cover, uncover, investigate, or complain about, please contact me on my About page, and I’ll most likely do it for free, for fun, for food, and definitely for money.

How does my work differ from others of its type/genre?

In general, I think I am pretty brutally honest about a lot of stuff that happens in life. ¬†We all go through ups and downs, but I bring light to struggles and make everyone realize that no one ever has it all together, not even Rachel McAdams, and she’s 99.9% perfect. ¬†I find humor in the mundane aspects of life after college.¬†When everyone is telling you how to make life better – I see you Thought Catalog and Elite Daily – I¬†try and focus on¬†telling you that I’m having those same issues, and there probably isn’t an easy or reasonable solution for theM.

Why do I write what I do?

Honestly, it’s cathartic as hell. A lot of people have the gym, their work, reading, whatever it is that helps them find a release from the stresses of life, and I¬†have created this space where I can bitch about all this stuff that’s happening to me and a lot of people my age, and it’s just such a relief. ¬†Even if no one read this blog¬†–¬†YES MOM I KNOW YOU’RE READING #FanClubOfOne – it would still be a space that would some way or another be a standin for a diary. ¬†And if I can help or relate to one other person with each post, then I’ve done my job.

How does my writing process work?

This is a question I’d like to know the answer to as well. I have no idea. I honestly will be walking to work, trip over something, or spill coffee on my shirt for the third time that day and just need to get something off my chest, and BAM, you have a post about how ugly I was as a child or how much of life is cleaning up messes regardless of how organized you are. I just kind of word vomit all over the page and hope at the end of all of it something coherent and English came out. ¬†If not, well, I guess then I just found out I was subconsciously bilingual and that’s pretty cool.

BUT! Enough about me, I want you to read some other people! ¬†I was supposed to find more than one person to take over this tour for me, but just like middle school, I’m short on friends. ¬†But I found an awesome blog, and you need to take a looksy or else I’m adding cookie dough to my stock cart¬†and that’s not a good look for anyone.
They do exercise.. and they look good, too.

They do exercise.. and they look good, too.

I want to pass the metaphorical baton to Colby and Tina from It’s A Marathon AND A Sprint.¬†This blog is awesome and makes me feel all sorts of inadequate when it comes to exercising. ¬†These women are motivational, hilarious, and totally amazing to keep up with. ¬†Plus, if you’re anything like me, you’ll want to sign up for all the races all the time and see how much your body can handle. ¬†It makes the wine that much more worthwhile. Now go give your eyes a challenge and read all their posts, I’ll time you.
***

Do you want to participate in a blog tour? EMAIL ME (thehalfandhalfblog@gmail.com) for more information!

 

 

It’s A Blog Hop! Welcome To The Inner Workings Of My Cerebral Cortex.

Because why wouldn't you listen to me?  I'M HALF COW.

Because why wouldn’t you listen to me? I’M HALF COW.

It’s like a sock hop, only there’s no dancing and the internet doesn’t have a floor or a school gymnasium. So wear whatever shoes you want, and hey, spike that punch, I’M THIRSTY.

And that title was just a bomb ass excuse to use the phrase ‘cerebral cortex’ in a sentence, because frankly, I don’t really know what it is and I’ve always just jumped at the chance to make myself sound smarter than I really am.

(Read about what a blog hop really is here)

Anyways, Shane over at Virtual Napkins emailed and asked me if I wanted to participate, and I immediately said yes because I am short on friends and anyone that asks me to hang out will probably get a big, fat, resounding YES.

You can read about Shane’s¬†process here.

I’d like to thank Shane for asking me to participate, and apologize to everyone who has to read this and realize that there really is no rhyme or reason to my thinking, and eventually come to the conclusion that I may be certifiably insane and hopelessly addicted to wine.

HERE WE GO!

What am I working on/ writing?

I’m not currently writing anything, unfortunately. ¬†Well, anything of substance. ¬†I freelance and contribute to various sites around the internet, but other than that, PUBLISHERS, FEEL FREE TO HOLLA AT ME. ¬†In other words, I can be bought.

How does my work/writing differ from others in its genre?

In all honestly, I don’t think I am special. ¬†Well, I do think I’m special, but that’s only because my mother told me I was. ¬†But, really, I think I just have an honest and refreshing perspective¬†on topics that have almost been beaten to the ground. ¬†When I am passionate about something, I tend to articulate what I want to say very well. ¬†And talking about the problems, scenarios, and triumphs of a poor girl working in a big city is my specialty. ¬†Plus, self-deprecation and the ability to make light¬†of the shit you did when you were younger is a huge part in not taking yourself seriously and making other people laugh. ¬†Laughter is the universal language of fun, and when people have fun, they tend to give you things like money and slice and bake cookies.

Why do I write what I do?

I like to complain a lot – Twitter only allows 140 characters, and Facebook has too many feelings, so I just like to unload all my thoughts and pictures of when I was ugly here. ¬†I write a lot of what goes on in my head, and try to make it as ornate and relatable as possible. ¬†And if it’s not ornate or relatable, it’s because I’m weird.¬†I’m not a unique person, in fact, I am pretty plain, so taking something that happened to me and being objective about it¬†will most likely produce a relatable piece of work. ¬†Emphasis on most likely.

How does my writing process work?

I take conversations and scenarios from my everyday life and embellish them beyond belief. ¬†Writing from experience is a tried and true process for me. ¬†I think of an idea and I just word vomit all over the page. When I’m done, I take five minutes, watch a couple Jimmy Fallon youtube vids, and go back and edit it to make sure it doesn’t sound¬†like a baby alpaca just decided to spit all over the place.


Now, onto the next ones!  The following bloggers have agreed to carry the torch and let you know how they write what they do!

Grace over at Falling From Grace¬†will be participating and you’re in for a treat. ¬†This girl is hilarious, honest, and offers a unique take on life as a twenty-something. ¬†Plus, she’s pretty much best friends with Queen Frostine from Candyland, and has a VIP access card to most buffets around the nation.

Jake from Routine Dreamer will also be participating and he’s just a gem. ¬†Like maybe a rare gemstone like amethyst or quartz. ¬†Are those even rare? ¬†I don’t know. ¬†But this kid has tons of insight on today’s world and it’s very refreshing. ¬†Did I mention he uses proper grammar? ¬†Yeah, check it out.


Do you have a writing process?

It happened again!

Elite Daily has smiled upon me and has deemed me worthy of being published for a second time.

Clearly my Masters degree in secondary education is being put to good use.

Please check out the link below to see what I have to say about being perpetually single, and why it doesn’t suck.

Me, Myself, and Holy Crap, I’m Still Single

Untitled

I Need To Talk To The Person In Charge Of Changing Humans Into Dogs

I went out with my roommates last night and drank too much wine.  Story of my life.

Earlier this morning, I watched this video to help cure my hangover and take my mind off the fact that I have to sit in a rolly chair for the next eight hours and stare at my computer screen.

And then I realized… I’m so jealous of dogs.

Forget girls with nice hair, girls who can plow through three bacon cheeseburgers and not gain a pound, girls who have their dream job before age twenty-five, girls (and boys) with independently wealthy families that get to exclusively shop at Whole Foods. Forget all of them.

I want to be a dog.

Aside from the fact that they get to know one another by smelling butts, being a dog is pretty awesome. ¬†I guess I could also do without the whole eating bark flavored kibble bits, too. ¬†But we’ll save my grievances for the time I actually turn into a dog, which is hopefully my next life. ¬†My previous life I was a cat and I was just angry all the time, so I pray I’ve gathered enough good karma in my human life to be worthy of a canine in my next one.

First of all, I’d never have to wear clothes. ¬†It would completely eliminate the whole waking up every morning and try on seven outfits thing and still manage to walk out the door with one shoe. ¬†Nope. None of that would be an issue. ¬†Because I could roll out of bed and magically have a sweater on when it’s cold, or a furry bathing suit on when it’s hot. ¬†Just being happy in the skin suit God gave me ready to take on the world.

If I was a dog, no one would ever care if I was fat. ¬†Sure, I’ve set off a few alarms by feeding my pup too many pork chops or lamb shanks, but it’s because she deserves it. ¬†And as a dog, I would deserve it, too. ¬†Being loyal is a tough job, and it’s one that requires compensation in the form of delicious food you’re not allowed to eat, ever. No one ever complains¬†about dogs being too fat, there’s just more to love, that’s all. Big is beautiful in Canine Country, and I have a one way ticket to Fat Island.

I’ve told a number of people this, but for my last ten minutes of life, I want someone with a good set of fingernails and a strong wrist to stroke my arm and give me a head rub. ¬†Maybe a bloody mary, but that can be negotiated. ¬†Pup life is full of these sorts of activities. ¬†People practically slap box each other to get a chance to pet a puppy. I WANT SOMEONE TO PET ME, DAMNIT. ¬†Head rubs and belly scratches will have me in a constant state of bliss, which last time I checked, no one complains about bliss.

A good wingwoman is hard to find. ¬†Not with a dog. ¬†If you want to attract someone, there is no better way than bringing along your four-legged friend. ¬†I don’t know what it is about humans, I think we¬†have leg envy and are just innately jealous that we can go through life on all fours. ¬†There is no better conversation topic than asking what breed the dog is (I would obviously be a Saint Bernard and run shit) then following up by asking the age. ¬†What started off as an innocent walk through the park¬†ends with¬†you walking down the aisle and Meg the Saint Bernard is your ring bearer. ¬†You’re welcome.

Lastly, I want a bomb ass name. ¬†Dogs are always given the most extreme names that humans could never live up to. ¬†I want to saunter through life as Ulysses the Great Dane, or Chianti the cultured Sheppard. Instead I’m stuck here living life as a boring old human with the most basic one syllable name on the planet. Meg sucks. Ulysses RULES.

I just want to tan on my driveway during all seasons and soak up warmth.  I just want to be a dog.

You want to know if I hate my job?

It’s all in a day’s work.

If you are one of those people who springs up out of your sleep sack bursting with energy, excitement oozing out your eyeballs, ears and nose, beaming with unlimited joy because you’re just so elated to strut into work and get grinding, you are not a real person because no one is that happy.

On the contrary, if you are lucky enough to not absolutely abhor the idea of going into work, whether it be the office environment is awesome, you love the people, or you’ve found yourself in a career in which you are equally passionate and satisfied, that is amazing, and don’t take it for granted.

A lot of people hate their jobs.

Fortunately, I am not one of them. In the two scenarios I described above, I fall into the latter. Even though when I was growing up, my father repeatedly told me to avoid marketing and advertising, as he has been in the business for over twenty years, I stayed true to my stubborn and disobedient nature by doing the exact opposite of what he told me and was formally employed at a marketing agency starting in August of 2013.

I’ve either ignored or stubbornly brushed aside a lot of my father’s wisdom tidbits throughout the years, but one piece of advice I did accept rings true. ¬†He has always urged me¬†to constantly look for ways to better myself in¬†my career and never settle.

For me, this is one of those aim high, shoot low situations. ¬†Because while I’m ambitious, I realize the reality of me attaining my actual dream job is extremely unlikely, and here’s why: ¬†

I don’t think my dream jobs are actually real jobs.

What I do know is that I am extremely qualified for these positions should they exist. ¬†Also,¬†if they do happen to exist, and on the small chance that a CEO of a company that has an opening for one of these positions may be reading this, the hope is that he or she will direct their mouse’s curser to the “Want To Give Me A Job?” tab and promptly fill out a contact form in order to offer me employment.

Like I said, aim high, shoot low. ¬†I’ll stick with my day job for now. ¬†But just in case, here is a list of jobs that I am extremely qualified to obtain, if only they existed in real life:

Onion Ring Connoisseur

If you don’t know by now, you should understand that one of my truest loves on planet Earth are the majestic side item this world likes to call onion rings. I just love them. ¬†So much so that I make a point to try them at every restaurant and rate them. ¬†Gotta have a great crispy outside, and a non stringy inside. ¬†Not that difficult, but apparently very difficult because I’ve only found a handful of restaurants crack the top half of the 1-10 scale, so all you fine dining establishments better step up your game. ¬†And maybe call up Dennys and ask what their secret is, because those rings are FLAMES.

Live Tweeter

This is a position that does actually exist, but I assume is extremely difficult to obtain. ¬†There is nothing I love more than crushing a bottle of wine and making outlandish judgments about celebrities on award shows. Well, maybe puppies. ¬†I do love puppies a lot. ¬†If I could do that for monetary compensation, my endorphins would be so high through the roof I’d practically be metaphorically flying through the Twittersphere.

Dog Voice Creator

Ever wanted to know what your dog would sound like if it was a human? No problem, bring it on down to my apartment, I’ll take one good look at him or her, and promptly give you an accent that you can¬†have 0% confidence in its accuracy. ¬†It may not be correct, but it will give you the slightest smile when your dog is incessantly barking at that squirrel for you to think about him or her saying, “I want to go outside, Mom!” in a British accent with a monocle and a pipe. ¬†Disclaimer: Golden Retrievers are always going to be surfers, it just makes sense.

Complaint Writer

chipotle

UPDATE: still waiting to “receive something in the mail”

I have no problem writing long winded emails to large corporations citing my reasons for unhappiness. ¬†If anyone had a problem and they couldn’t find the words to verbalize their dissatisfaction, I would totally love to be that person. ¬†Case and point: this little letter I wrote to Chipotle about the time I missed their haiku contest and was unintentionally disqualified from winning the contest. (Inquire within to get help writing your complaints today!)

*** Really,¬†I’d like to be an actual writer paid for my work. ¬†But that just seems absurd. ¬†So I’ll go on selling my soul to Elite Daily solely for exposure hoping that someone thinks I’m worthy somewhere down the line.

… So, anyone want to give me a job?

 

 

 

You Couldn’t Hurt My Feelings Today If You Tried.

Today is monumental.  I am filled with glee.

My first article was published on Elite Daily!

Seriously, go check it out.  Share it with your mom, your dad, your friends, that weird guy on the bus, even your dog may even perk up at the thought of a little financial advice from yours truly.

And the fact that they chose the majestic face of Leo DeCaps to correspond with my article is a sure fire sign that we are destined to be together in holy matrimony and love each other until the end of time.

Click To Read

more money, more problems.

more money, more problems.

Think Before You… Oh Wait, Too Late.

It’s Friday! I’m extremely impulsive. ¬†So it’s about time to make a list of all the things I do before I think about the repercussions.

  • Buy five new books before I’ve even finished the one I’m currently reading
  • Decide to purchase flights across the country when I don’t know if I have time off from work
  • Eat an entire cheeseburger that weighs the same amount as a newborn baby
  • Drink an entire bottle of wine, and then another one
  • Make a crock pot meal and double the ingredients because I think I’m Martha Stewart
  • See how far I can go on empty before filling up my gas tank
  • Get all the supplies to do a Pinterested “DIY” craft and never attempt to do it
  • Sign up for the gym with no intentions of ever going
  • Sign up for a marathon with no intentions of actually running
  • Eat an entire can of BBQ Pringles hoping I won’t feel like a lardo
  • Consuming copious amounts of cheese, ice cream, milk, and yogurt knowing full well that I am lactose intolerant
  • Making drastic lifestyle changes because I had one bad day
  • Giving up drinking on the weekdays for Lent — WHY?
  • Swipe my credit card and “worry about it later”
  • Go on a blind date with a guy that turns out to be three feet tall and extremely clingy
  • Try to win a burrito contest from Chipotle only to be blacklisted because of sheer dedication
  • Avoid wearing a bra out in public only to realize I’d be out of the house for an entire eight hours
  • Drink wine for dinner because it’s healthier than going spoons deep in chunky peanut butter
  • Go out in public without make up only to bump into the only person you don’t want to see in public without make up
  • Drink beer for breakfast
  • Signing receipts with my twitter handle¬†before realizing I’m a jackass
  • Not exercise
  • Watch an entire day’s marathon of Gangland only to be scared to walk outside my house for fear for my life
  • Watch an entire day’s marathon of CSI only to be even more terrified to walk outside my house for fear of my life
  • Choose to watch Titanic refusing to watch past the iceberg scene in respect to Leo DeCaps and in disdain of fat Rose taking up the entire goddamn floating double door
  • Knowing I’m due for a good cry and choosing to watch A Walk To Remember on a Saturday night before I go out
  • Pretending I know what I’m talking about then unintentionally getting wrapped up in a conversation full of lies and deceit
  • Going to the doctor to get my ears checked out and having it turn into a full fledged interrogation of my medical history — it’s just an ear lady, LAY OFF ME.
  • Deciding that after a week of drinking, it seems like a good time to check how much I weigh — IT’S NOT
  • Going outside without a jacket on because it’s not that cold out — when the only way I tell the temperature is by looking out my windows into the alley with no sunlight
  • Not checking the weather before I walk to work because I think I am an amature meteorologist
  • Looking at pictures of myself from middle school knowing that I thought I honestly looked really fly in my tearaway Addias sweat pants, Aeropostale polo shirt, a curly bun, and my grandmother’s dangly earrings
  • Starting this list and then realizing it’s dumb

Remembering My First Love

I’m going to be real honest and break it down for a hot second.

I’ve had my fair share of crushes that didn’t quite pan out (I’m talking to you, Leo DeCaps) the way that I wanted. ¬†But love is a completely different story.

I’ve been there, done that, moved on, and (almost) got over it. ¬†But then again, the first cut is the deepest, right Sheryl Crow? ¬†You go girl, sign it from the heart! Lance Armstrong sucks! (just kidding…?)

Anyways, since I’m somewhat of a scornful human being when it comes to broken hearts, I did a little research into the whole feeling of love and what it means. And what I found what shocking.

Turns out, I’m already in love. ¬†Who knew? ¬†I started reading about the 7 Ways Love Transforms Your Brain, and with each progressing number it became more and more clear.

I’m in love with food.

And it’s pretty bad. ¬†I knew when the clock struck noon that I was hungry, but who knew it was hunger pangs tugging on my heart strings?

Don’t believe me? ¬†Well, you should. ¬†Because here are the 7 ways my brain has been transformed since I admitted my unrequited love for all things edible.

EDITOR'S NOTE: RED TEXT is website info, BLACK TEXT, much like my soul, are my own thoughts. 

1. You Feel Addicted

Ever hear that love is a drug? Well, there may be some truth to that. Your brain houses these intensely passionate feelings using the same system that’s activated when a person is addicted to drugs, from the euphoria you feel to your cravings for more. Sure, it might be a much healthier addiction ‚ÄĒ but let’s face facts, shall we? You’re an addict.

The only things I am positive I am addicted to are bacon, wine, and unlimited brunch buffets. ¬†Call me a hopeless romantic, but I don’t think too much IHOP ever hurt anybody. I guess that encompasses most food entities. ¬†Checkmark on the addiction aspect of food admiration.

2. You Start Thinking In Twos

It’s not just “me, me, me” anymore. Now, there’s two of you to think about ‚ÄĒ and your brain will automatically pick up the changes. The bond you share with your partner or children runs way deeper than just on the outside.

I can’t imagine a day going by without having more than one of anything that I eat. ¬†Two bowls of cereal? Yes, please. A double dose of chips and salsa? Absolutely. ¬†An extra side of bacon? ¬†Do I even have to answer? I even cut my sandwiches in half just so I cognitively think there are two rather than one part to my lunch meal.

3. You Love Longer (And Become Wiser)

Falling in love is as good for your heart as it is for your mental health. People in love report higher levels of dopamine, which is linked to pleasure, desire and euphoria. Studies report that people in positive, healthy relationships live longer, are happier, wiser and have better mental health. 

You know what’s good for your heart? ¬†Food. ¬†You know why skinny people are so crazy? ¬†They don’t eat enough. Has anyone ever felt worse after eating a heaping pile of huevos rancheros for breakfast? Don’t answer that. ¬†I just know that after I eat a bacon cheese burger, I feel like I’m on top of the world. Endorphins to the moon and back baby. ¬†That’s how I roll.

4. You’re More Supportive

One of the biggest benefits of falling in love is that you’ll learn what it’s really like to lean on (and support) another person. Building trust in a relationship is crucial. And, your brain helps you out with that. When we’re in love, we’re less likely to be critical or skeptical of the person we care about.

“Hey, let’s talk about this over a big plate of onion rings” is one of my favorite phrases. Food builds trust. ¬†Food is trust. Learn it, live it, love it. ¬†Support food, support me, support you. ¬†It’s all in a days work. ¬†Eat, support a pal, go home, sleep like a baby.

5. You De-Stress

Some of us might mistake those butterflies surrounding your first kiss ‚ÄĒ but there’s no way your brain will ever forget how it first felt to be touched by someone you’re in love with.¬†

You haven’t had butterflies until you’re waiting in your booth on pins and needles for a short stack of pancakes on a Sunday morning. ¬†Your brain doesn’t ever forget something as crucial as a post-hangover meal. ¬†Especially if it’s carb-o-loaded. You can quote me on that.

6. You Glow (Well, Your Brain’s Reward Centers Do!)

In a study that assessed¬†couples¬†“madly in love,” scientists found that the reward centers of their brains lit up after just looking at a picture of their spouse. Let the bright lines shine, baby!

Look at these pictures and tell me you are not immediately filled with glee.  I rest my case.

7. You Feel Safe

Similar to the first bonds babies make with their mothers, the feeling of security will emerge in your relationship. As you age and change, your body actually remembers the brain cycles and stages that you went through in your youth ‚ÄĒ so when you feel reconnected to your baby self, those feelings of safety and contentment will come flooding back.¬†Research¬†also shows that when we feel love for someone, it shuts down the part of our brain that controls¬†fear¬†and negative emotions.

Do I feel safe while I’m eating? Not particularly. ¬†Do I feel safe after I’m done eating, and have a full range of motion as well as sharp utensils to thwart off any enemies? Abso-posi-tive-a-lutely. Forks and steak knives all day.

PS- I will be an Onion Ring Connoisseur before I die.