A Rational Response To This Ridiculous Article On Why Guys Think Girls Are Crazy.

snucvtIn the most non-shocking news of the day, men and women are really different.

Women are relational.  Men are reserved.

Women are figurative.  Men are literal.  (Except they literally can’t even sometimes.  They die.)

But despite all the differences and the arguments that may arise from them, there are some things that just don’t make sense when it comes to women.

I admit that we are all a little crazy.  It’s because we have to think about the fact that after we’re married, we’re most likely going to be confined to our home cleaning up other people’s shit for the next thirty years of our lives.

#Feminism

Anyways, my coworker shared this article from Elite Daily entitled The Dictionary Of Everything Girls Do That Guys Label Crazy (Even Though They’re Not), and again, it gives normal women in the world a bad reputation.

What I want to do is clarify this list of crazy things, explain why this girl is not speaking for all women, and give credit to men where credit is due. 

 Editor's Note: Original article's 10 thoughts in blue. 
 My 10 thoughts are black, like my soul.

1. Say we’re fine when we are far from fine

If you are at a point in your relationship where you still have to pretend you’re not fine, you need to reevaluate that relationship.  Stop making the person you’re with read between the lines.  Honestly is the best policy.  Tell them you hate the way they chew their food, or that their shoes smell like dog poop.  It may not fix the problem, but it damn well will fix the fact that you’ll be pouting for the next thirty minutes and he’ll be wondering why you’re doing it.

2. Eat salad for dinner

Women should not accept salads for dinner as “the norm.”  This is the reason for drunk eating, and binging, and hiding food and pretending you have allergies that you don’t (I see you gluten).  Eat some bread and get the penne ala vodka and enjoy yourself.  Be an adult and know stop you’re full.

3. Take forever to get ready

If you have no one waiting for you, take however long you want.  Just don’t tell anyone how long it took you.  If someone is waiting for you, be an adult, learn some time management, and get ready in a timely fashion.  You’re not a doctor, no one wants to wait for you to decide you’re ready.

4. Spend an entire paycheck on makeup

This is absolutely, positively, mind-blowingly crazy.  If you spend your entire paycheck on makeup, I assume you have never learned anything about budgeting.  You also probably live at home with your parents and are working a part time job where spending a pay check is a reasonable thing to do because you don’t have normal living expenses.

5. Go to the bathroom in pairs

In a crowded club or bar, absolutely, no one wants to get abducted.

6. Only drink vodka waters

This probably means that you’re constantly worrying about your weight and can’t enjoy life.  Have a beer, drink wine, vodka is not the skinny girl drank of all women.  I’m sure at the time, you weren’t worried about how you’d look in the morning after sweating on the dance floor, or after taking your heels off and walking home. Deal with the bloating.  Have a beer.

7. Eat our feelings

Refer to number 2.

8. Stalk people on social media

Everyone stalks people on social media.  It’s the degree to which you do it that’s crazy.  If you just met a guy on tinder and have already found out where he went to high school and whether or not he has a sister or a girlfriend in his profile picture, that is where you draw the crazy line.

9. Gossip about our friends then love them 10 minutes later

This is stupid.  Man up and talk shit about your friend you hate to the friend you hate.  Being an adult sucks, but it comes with the fact that confrontation is expected and respected for a mature friendship to last.

10. Have 10+ pairs of black heels that correspond with our 10+ little black dresses

Girls like collecting clothing, regardless of color or size.  But there are men out there who are just as bad with their shoes and hats.  So it’s an even playing field in the fashion department.

11. Spend over $100 on a clothing item that is smaller than a piece of underwear

I don’t know what piece of clothing you can justify buying that is smaller than underwear for over $100, but girlfriend, you’re doing it wrong.  Go to Marshalls – get more for less.

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In Response To This Ridiculous Article On First Dates, Here’s What Normal People Are Thinking.

rapid-attraction

I’m assuming this is who wrote the article.

First dates are one of the most awkward experiences you will have in your life.

I like to think despite my inability to adhere to social cues or look directly into someone’s eyeball without questioning if that person thinks I’ve turned into a gargoyle, I can pretty much handle myself on a first date.

I’ve accepted the awk.  I’m quirky, or at least that’s what I tell myself while I wrap my giraffe-patterned scarf around my neck before walking out my front door.  If he doesn’t like me, it’s his loss, right?

I saw this article on Elite Daily entitled 21 Things You Definitely Thought About Your Partner On Your First Date, and I thought it would be a lot of talk about wine and snacks.

But, after reading it, I’d like someone to call a psych ward, because this girl is off her goddamn rocker.

Like, I’m talking a stage five clinger, selfie-addict, don’t care how hot you are, you’re still insane, girl.

I want to bring it back to earth here and revise all of the things that people definitely think about on a first date.

Editor's Note: Original article's 21 thoughts in blue. 
My 21 thoughts are black, like my soul.

1.  Wait, I’m the first to arrive? You mean, he’s not here yet? Wow. Okay. Definitely not off to a good start.

Being the first to arrive on a date is AWESOME.  Not only do you get to sit down and not have to worry about walking around the restaurant like a lost kid looking for his mother in a grocery store, but you can have have a couple wines and use that liquid courage for a good opening line when he does arrive.

2. Oh, wait, there he is. Oh, and he’s cute. Okay, okay, I like where this is going.

Please don’t act like you haven’t stalked him on social media.  In this day and age, you know what you’re getting into before you commit to a first date.  You would never agree to going out with someone before you saw what he looks like. Blind dates are for blind people.

3.  He better not order for me – or get something healthy and petite because I’m definitely getting the steak. This restaurant has awesome steak.

If he orders something healthy and petite, sorry to break it to you, but you’re on a date with a gay man.  Boys do not care about first impressions, all they know is that they are looking to subside one of two primal urges, nourishment or sex.

4.  Okay, he’s gainfully employed (check!), omg! he’s talking about his mom (check check!) and he loves pizza. I think I’m in love.

Again, if you’re with a man who doesn’t love pizza, you’re actually probably out with a woman who has too many dietary restrictions and pretends to be allergic to gluten. 

5.  Oh, wait, do I spy a gray hair?

There was a girl in my fifth grade class that had grey hairs. I’m sure your pubescent mane wasn’t the talk of the town, and if you didn’t dye your hair seven ways to Sunday, you’d have some imperfections showing through, too.

6.  Yep. Definitely a gray. Crap! Lookawaylookawaylookaway.Don’t stare at the gray.

You’re a jackass.  And it’s grey not gray. 

7.  Should I tell him that there’s food in his teeth? Like, wedged between his front teeth? Do you think he’ll notice later and be embarrassed? Wait, do have food in my teeth?

If you’re the type of person that would let anyone walk around with food in their mouth, you need to reevaluate your soul and maybe get a new one.  And I HOPE you have food in your teeth.

8. Is it just me or does he have a big head? Right? I mean, I definitely don’t want to date a guy with a big head. What if our kids have big heads? Ugh. Hope they get my head.

Why are you thinking about your spawn already?  You’ve known each other for an hour. Red flag.

9.  How long is socially acceptable to spend in the bathroom texting my mom/co-workers/best friends/updating Twitter about how perfectly my first date is going?

If you’re going to the bathroom to update the world on your social media accounts while you’re on a date, and not actually peeing, you think people care what you’re doing way more than they actually do.

10.  Oh, look! Pretty flower vase. I should Instagram this.

NO YOU SHOULD NOT.

11.  Do you think I should invite him back to my apartment? Would that be too forward? No. I’m definitely inviting him over.

Are you going to tweet about it after?  That’s really the deciding factor, in my opinion.

12.  OMG, what if he thinks I’m the one? Wait – what if he’s the one?

He doesn’t.  He just ate, so the next thing on his to-do list is you, in order to subside that other primal urge.

13.  I wonder if he’s good in bed. Like… how good? I’d say 7 out of 10 for sure. He’s tall. And he works out. Ugh, and that smile.

I’m confused as to how physical appearance relates to sexual prowess.  Because you’re good looking that means you’re good at sex?  Have you seen Ron Jeremy?

14.  Wait, how good am I in bed? Nine, right? Yeah, definitely 9. I should find a way to talk about something sexual – so he knows I’m interested.

Yes, because talking about how good you are at sex on the first date is totally appropriate.

15.  What if he’s a bad kisser? Do you think that means he’ll be a bad parent?

Do you envision the father of your children making out with your daughter after her soccer game? I’m confused about this correlation.

16.  STOP. He just ordered the chocolate cake. HE JUST ORDERED THE CHOCOLATE CAKE. I think I found my soulmate.

This is true.  I totally agree.

17.  I know it’s really early, but I really think this relationship is going somewhere. Right? I mean, we even stayed for dessert. And because, cake.

Or, he just needed something to cleanse his palate after a salty meal.  I’ve stayed on plenty of dates in order to get dessert with no intention of hanging out with the guy again.  YOU ALWAYS STAY FOR DESSERT.

18.  Wow, definitely need to text my mom again. He’s covering the whole bill. Chivalry is sooo not dead, guys.

Are you going to text your mom and let her know he opened the door for you, too?

19.  Maybe I shouldn’t kiss him? Right? I mean, maybe he should sweat it out a little.

Agreed.

20.  He definitely just asked me if he could come over. Likiiiingggg where this is going!

Again, he wants to sleep with you.

21.  Oh, wait, did I remember to shave?

Do you go on a date and not prepare yourself for anything that could happen?  WHO ARE YOU?

It happened again!

Elite Daily has smiled upon me and has deemed me worthy of being published for a second time.

Clearly my Masters degree in secondary education is being put to good use.

Please check out the link below to see what I have to say about being perpetually single, and why it doesn’t suck.

Me, Myself, and Holy Crap, I’m Still Single

Untitled

You Couldn’t Hurt My Feelings Today If You Tried.

Today is monumental.  I am filled with glee.

My first article was published on Elite Daily!

Seriously, go check it out.  Share it with your mom, your dad, your friends, that weird guy on the bus, even your dog may even perk up at the thought of a little financial advice from yours truly.

And the fact that they chose the majestic face of Leo DeCaps to correspond with my article is a sure fire sign that we are destined to be together in holy matrimony and love each other until the end of time.

Click To Read

more money, more problems.

more money, more problems.