dating

The Unwritten Rules Of Being In A Relationship

The conditions under which my boyfriend and I moved in together were simple.  Cheaper rent, reduced travel, and ultimately, he would be the human barrier that would save me if anything remotely dangerous happened in the dead of the night.

Around 3:30 am last night, a fire drill went off in the midst of my deepest slumbers.  Unbeknownst to me, the jackasses who live on the floor above us engaged in a little snow storm marijuana toking session, and basically masked the entire top floor with a cloud of smoke.

The roommate looks at me after hearing how obnoxiously loud the fire alarm is and says, “Close the bedroom door.”

To which I replied, “Uhh, no, I think we need to evacuate.”

After frantically throwing on as many blizzard fighting layers of clothing and waiting outside for around twenty minutes, we were allowed back in the building.  But only now have I realized that my roommate was not delivering on one of the main promises made when we decided to cohabitate.  Something remotely dangerous happened in the middle of the night, and he was not being a good human barrier.

(I realize this is all based upon waking up mid-slumber, and under different circumstances, he probably would have had a clearer head.)

Which brings me to my next point.  Along with safety and security, there are certain unwritten rules that boyfriends have to follow.

All gender roles, feminism, sexism, and all that other politically correct mumbo jumbo aside, of course. I see you, strong, independent women who don’t need no man to feel worthy. #Respect

Here are the unwritten rules you need to follow in order to be a successful boyfriend/good human:

Hold my things: When you decide you are going to date a girl, you unofficially sign up to hold all her belongings when she doesn’t want to carry a purse.  Credit card, money, and ID will now go in your wallet and her keys in your pockets, because her outfit is way more important without a bulky bag, and you have like forty-six places to hold things anyways.

Let me wear your stuff: Clothes are always more comfortable when they’re not yours.  Sweatshirts that are four sizes too big definitely seem to fit better, and men’s sweatpants are what dreams are made of.  And hats.  Always hats.

Don’t get mad when I eat your food: I know this is like, totally, illegal in like fifteen countries, and frowned upon everywhere else, but if I want a bite of your food, you need to give it to me.  I know I ordered what I wanted, and you ordered what you wanted, but that’s why we didn’t order the same thing and I’d rather not have FOMO.

Listen to my stories: Everyone in the history of earth knows that women are horrendous story tellers.  But you’re going to have to listen to every single one of them.  The office drama, that kid on the subway, the one about how long the line was at Forever 21 on New Year’s Eve. They’re going to suck, they’re not going to be funny, and they probably won’t make sense.  And I’m sorry I’m not sorry for that.

Give me directions: I think I speak solely for myself with this one, but I’m going to generalize to everyone anyways.  You need to be prepared to tell me where I’m going and give me proper notice of when I’m supposed to turn left, right, etc.  Google maps can steer me wrong, you can’t.

Make good choices under pressure: Like, you know, if there’s a fire drill in the middle of the night.  You should tell me to get my shit together and haul ass down the stairs instead of just ignoring it and trying to fall back asleep.  It’s these life or death situations that make or break a relationship. Mostly because if we burned alive no one would be in the relationship anymore, because we’d both be dead.

Crack my back: What’s the point of having someone double your weight that can lift you up, crack your back, and realign your spine with one strong, upward grab? That’s not a trick question. There’s actually no other point than to have them lift you up, crack your back, and realign your spine with one, strong upward grab.

What are some unwritten rules you can think of?

Sweet Potato Fries Are Ruining My Relationship

If there’s one way to lose a man’s trust, it’s to be completely full of shit when you rate meals on a 1-10 scale. They take food very seriously.

I irresponsibly rated sweet potato fries an 8/10 on my first date with my boyfriend and it became a permanent stain on our relationship.  He claims he can’t trust me, that he doesn’t really know who I am or what I’m thinking.

I should have just gone with the onion rings.

What I learned from falsely embellishing the deliciousness of my side dish is that there are certain things you need to ask on the first date to make sure if this is someone you can be with long term.  I mistakenly judged the importance of food ratings and I have not been able to live it down since.

In order for you to avoid being plagued with ridicule when it comes to food for the remainder of your relationship and inevitably creating a rocky and unstable trust between you and your partner, I’ve compiled a list of questions you MUST ask on the first date to avoid irreparable damage later on.

Here are the questions you NEED to ask on a first date to determine if this is someone you can be with for a long time:

 

What kind of sports fan are you? For the most part, this question applies to the male species, but I’ll include those diehard females who rep it hard in the sports department. Knowing what kind of sports fan your partner is will be crucial for the rest of your relationship. Most men like a sport for each of the seasons, so you’re going to need to know if he’s going to lock you out of your apartment or rip a couch cushion if Dwyane Wade doesn’t hit 3 points or that guy in the NFL doesn’t get 1824396 carries and 2734061 yards in a random game that doesn’t really matter (It totally matters though, somehow).

What is your position on Christmas music? If you are one of those girls who starts playing Christmas music on December 26th to prepare for the next holiday season, you’re going to need to let your partner know that ahead of time.  Even if you’re a semi-normal human being who starts playing tasteful holiday tunes after Thanksgiving, you should respect the other person’s ears enough to let them know they should invest in earplugs for the next month and a half.

What do you rate Jennifer Aniston on a scale of 1-10?  This question can be tweaked based on the celebrity of your choosing, but Jenny Anz is a pretty well known celebrity that both men and women like. Once you’ve asked the question and both given answers, if your number differentiate by more than 2 points on a 1-10 scale, you may be in disagreement with what the 1-10 scale is.  This is not okay and will set a precedent for the future of rating questions.  You must find an agreeable medium and set forth a list of qualifications pertaining to each number on the scale. This is the only way you will be able to take each other’s opinions seriously when you ask questions like, “On a scale of 1-10 how good are these sweet potato fries?”

Are you able to commit to tacky/trendy/seasonal activities knowing full well it will interrupt your weekend/sports/day off plans? This applies mainly to women, but maybe some instances men will get the seasonal feels and want to go skate on a pond or chop down a tree for good measure.  If you’re not ready to commit to losing a couple hours on a Sunday to grab some apples off a tree or carve a smiley face on an orange gourd, you should just throw in the towel right now.

What are your thoughts on animals? Listen, I get it, some people don’t like animals. Whether it be an allergy, a bad experience, or just not being human, you need to find out if your lifelong dream of owning a farm of Great Danes is never going to come to fruition because you’re getting involved with the future bane of your existence.

Which side of the bed do you sleep on? There is nothing worse than having your first adult sleepover and both jumping in on the left side. Not only will it create an awkward rift when you lose because your boyfriend outweighs you by 100 lbs, it will most likely not work because sleeping is real life and you need that more than you need love. #HarshReality

Obviously, I encourage you to ask those awkward questions about wanting a family, politics, and religion, but if you want to get to the stuff that actually matters, take my advice.

Or don’t. I steered my boyfriend wrong when I rated the sweet potato fries, so I could be making things up entirely out of thin air.

What are the important questions you ask on a first date?

College Confessions: I Was Too Busy Watching Heavyweights Alone In My Dorm Room To Find A Boyfriend

One of my most embarrassing memorable nights in college was when I was alone on a Saturday night eating kettle corn and watching Heavyweights on my top bunk. After it was over, I was too lazy to get down to put it on my desk, so I gently dropped it onto my roommates bunk below, but missed and it shattered on the floor.

So no, I did not have a boyfriend in college.

The idea of finding your significant other in college is a nice thought. The reality of it is that you can’t just get a boyfriend or girlfriend. There are no stores that sell them.  If it was that easy, I’d be married to Charlie Hunnam right now.

As much as movies, television shows and romantic novels make it seem like love just falls out of the sky and hits you in the face with a football on a fall day, where you take one look at the culprit and you’re immediately bonded and connected over the embarrassment of it all, it’s simply not the case.  Finding a significant other takes time, effort, and frankly, money.  If you’re not willing to shell out those three things, it is going to be a long road.

I’m not saying that an initial attraction and a spontaneous injury is unlikely.  But I am.  Those stories are one in a million.  If you happen to be one of those pretty girls  perfectly dressed walking to class and that beautiful guy catches you as you clumsily fall, I’m happy for you, you’re a living, breathing fairy tale.

But for many people navigating through college, finding a significant other on top of studying, passing classes, maintaining a social life, and figuring out how to deal with college loans, unfortunately falls to the back of the line when it comes to priorities.

Not to be offensive, but if finding a significant other in college is your priority, you may want to rethink the idea of wasting thousands of dollars a year to find love when you can just pay a monthly fee at Match.com.  There are plenty of cheaper alternatives for finding a date than tuition that costs an arm and a leg.  You’ll be paying off your loans until you’re at least thirty, and that guy or girl you skipped so many classes to hang out with, well they may or may not be along for that financially depressing ride.

Again, this is not saying that finding your perfect mate with a common interest in political sociology at 8am isn’t real life, but passing that class and graduating on time may actually get you a job at a law firm, and think about the pool of applicants you’ll have to choose from then.

For a lot of people in college, getting through a string of ridiculously difficult classes in an extremely demanding major is a priority. And rightfully so. You should never, ever feel bad for focusing on a career instead of a boyfriend. Personal growth and happiness far outweighs the benefits of having someone to go to a dance with, although that is severely underrated when you don’t have someone to go to a dance with.

But for reals, use these four formative years to work on yourself and figure out what YOU want to do.

College is an amalgam of human beings with diverse interests – so it’s not unlikely that you’ll find someone you connect with.  Whether or not that person or people end up becoming a romantic involvement is up for debate.  There are plenty of people, myself included, who had a blasty blast in college without dating someone.  Flings and hookups and platonic relationships are all beneficial to personal development.  So if it’s not a full blown serious affair, don’t worry about it, you’ve got the rest of your life to be serious, have fun for once.

The good news about not having it be an official relationship is that you have the excuse of that thing you’re really there for, school.

It’s hard not to compare yourself with others, but know that if it doesn’t happen for you like it does for your friends, you’re not going to die alone.  It all ends up being a timing issue. Those four years that your friend focused on boys allowed you to excel at school and land a badass job that you’ve always wanted.  It allowed you to empower yourself and find out what makes YOU tick.

Plus, late bloomers are totally in because everyone loves a good looking human being with a head on her shoulders who has a job, a degree, and a direction in life.

Don’t worry about what other people are doing.  Don’t worry about graduating and not locking someone down for the rest of your life.  All good things come to those who wait.  Timing is everything.

You never know. You may end up dating the kid you had a crush on in fifth grade fifteen years later. So those four years weren’t a total waste because you were more focused on passing classes instead of passing notes.

Did/Do you have a relationship in college? Did it work out?  What do you miss about college?

I Got Lost In The Dating Pool

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Caution: Enter At Your Own Risk

You know, that unfathomable abyss full of unknowns, what are we’s, and should I’s?  That God awful place in life where no one really knows if you’re out to dinner because of a mutual interest or because the end result is a hopeful bang.

Yeah, welcome to the dating pool.  Put on your best swim suit, get in the water, and Marco Polo your ass over to the deep end.  You may find what you’re looking for, or you may just want to hold onto the wall for a while until you know it’s safe to start looking.

First off, you’re going to want to utilize the buddy system.  There is no substitute for an effective wingman in the dating pool .  You’ll need that guy or girl to help when you’re drowning in guilt, self-doubt, and with the all too familiar life question, “should I text him back now or in forty hours?”

Always remember to apply sunscreen, the dating pool is never in a shortage of burned bridges, scorned lovers, and hot love making; all of which need the necessary precautionary protection.

For those who are eager to jump right in to a relationship, feel free to enter at the deep end.  There are diving boards of various heights, all of which are easy identifiers for the type of relationship you’re seeking.  If you want a low maintenance, easy going relationship, try the spring board.  If you’re looking to add a lot of time, effort, and danger, you may want to jump off the high board.

Warning:  High risk does not necessarily equate a high reward at the dating pool.  He or she may just be a psycho.

All other patrons can enter at the various laddered and step intervals found throughout the vicinity.  The shallow end steps boast most of the new relationships.  These are the ones still undefined and unlabeled, the ones still just trying to figure out if this is what they want.

People in the shallow end need not worry about those that are treading water in the deep end.  While some of the swimmers look like they have it all together and their heads above water, beneath the surface may reveal a struggle and they just know how to put on a brave face.

Because in reality, they may just want to get the fuck out of the pool and onto dry land.

Those in the deep end, and maybe in the shallow end, may not be comfortable enough in their own skin, thus, they have garnered the ever so tacky floatation devices.  Ranging from large to small, these devices signify that the person they are outfitting is neither ready, nor willing to fully immerse himself in the relationship.

This person could be wearing floaties due to a failed relationship recently.  He or she could have almost drowned due to suffocation, over-exertion due to putting in too much effort, or because he or she felt they had to babysit their previous significant other and does not want to be pulled down again.

If you see someone using a kickboard or a noodle, they are drunk.  These are crutches that we use in order to make dating more fun.  You may look like a jackass, but god damnit, you’re having fun while doing it.

While in the pool area, you may encounter a bunch of people just laying out on the sides.  These are the people who are not interested in relationships.  They do not want to go into the pool.

This means your advances will be shut down, your invitations will go unanswered, and your money will be wasted on frozen treats at the snack stand with no return on your investment.

It is easy to get lost when you’re in the dating pool.  One minute you think you’re going to sit by the water and tan, the next thing you know you dove straight into the deep end with Marcos from Prague who is visiting for the summer.

I’m not going to say it won’t last, but I am saying maybe you should have taken a floatation device with you, because that shit is going to be ROUGH later on.

There are children allowed at the dating pool.  Just be advised, it is a lot of work trying to handle kids while wearing a bikini.  One wrong move and you have a rogue boob on the loose, and that never looks good on anybody.

Unfortunately, there are no lifeguards at the dating pool.  This is an enter at your own risk environment, and if you get pulled under, there’s no one to save you but yourself.

In Response To This Ridiculous Article On First Dates, Here’s What Normal People Are Thinking.

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I’m assuming this is who wrote the article.

First dates are one of the most awkward experiences you will have in your life.

I like to think despite my inability to adhere to social cues or look directly into someone’s eyeball without questioning if that person thinks I’ve turned into a gargoyle, I can pretty much handle myself on a first date.

I’ve accepted the awk.  I’m quirky, or at least that’s what I tell myself while I wrap my giraffe-patterned scarf around my neck before walking out my front door.  If he doesn’t like me, it’s his loss, right?

I saw this article on Elite Daily entitled 21 Things You Definitely Thought About Your Partner On Your First Date, and I thought it would be a lot of talk about wine and snacks.

But, after reading it, I’d like someone to call a psych ward, because this girl is off her goddamn rocker.

Like, I’m talking a stage five clinger, selfie-addict, don’t care how hot you are, you’re still insane, girl.

I want to bring it back to earth here and revise all of the things that people definitely think about on a first date.

Editor's Note: Original article's 21 thoughts in blue. 
My 21 thoughts are black, like my soul.

1.  Wait, I’m the first to arrive? You mean, he’s not here yet? Wow. Okay. Definitely not off to a good start.

Being the first to arrive on a date is AWESOME.  Not only do you get to sit down and not have to worry about walking around the restaurant like a lost kid looking for his mother in a grocery store, but you can have have a couple wines and use that liquid courage for a good opening line when he does arrive.

2. Oh, wait, there he is. Oh, and he’s cute. Okay, okay, I like where this is going.

Please don’t act like you haven’t stalked him on social media.  In this day and age, you know what you’re getting into before you commit to a first date.  You would never agree to going out with someone before you saw what he looks like. Blind dates are for blind people.

3.  He better not order for me – or get something healthy and petite because I’m definitely getting the steak. This restaurant has awesome steak.

If he orders something healthy and petite, sorry to break it to you, but you’re on a date with a gay man.  Boys do not care about first impressions, all they know is that they are looking to subside one of two primal urges, nourishment or sex.

4.  Okay, he’s gainfully employed (check!), omg! he’s talking about his mom (check check!) and he loves pizza. I think I’m in love.

Again, if you’re with a man who doesn’t love pizza, you’re actually probably out with a woman who has too many dietary restrictions and pretends to be allergic to gluten. 

5.  Oh, wait, do I spy a gray hair?

There was a girl in my fifth grade class that had grey hairs. I’m sure your pubescent mane wasn’t the talk of the town, and if you didn’t dye your hair seven ways to Sunday, you’d have some imperfections showing through, too.

6.  Yep. Definitely a gray. Crap! Lookawaylookawaylookaway.Don’t stare at the gray.

You’re a jackass.  And it’s grey not gray. 

7.  Should I tell him that there’s food in his teeth? Like, wedged between his front teeth? Do you think he’ll notice later and be embarrassed? Wait, do I have food in my teeth?

If you’re the type of person that would let anyone walk around with food in their mouth, you need to reevaluate your soul and maybe get a new one.  And I HOPE you have food in your teeth.

8. Is it just me or does he have a big head? Right? I mean, I definitely don’t want to date a guy with a big head. What if our kids have big heads? Ugh. Hope they get my head.

Why are you thinking about your spawn already?  You’ve known each other for an hour. Red flag.

9.  How long is socially acceptable to spend in the bathroom texting my mom/co-workers/best friends/updating Twitter about how perfectly my first date is going?

If you’re going to the bathroom to update the world on your social media accounts while you’re on a date, and not actually peeing, you think people care what you’re doing way more than they actually do.

10.  Oh, look! Pretty flower vase. I should Instagram this.

NO YOU SHOULD NOT.

11.  Do you think I should invite him back to my apartment? Would that be too forward? No. I’m definitely inviting him over.

Are you going to tweet about it after?  That’s really the deciding factor, in my opinion.

12.  OMG, what if he thinks I’m the one? Wait – what if he’s the one?

He doesn’t.  He just ate, so the next thing on his to-do list is you, in order to subside that other primal urge.

13.  I wonder if he’s good in bed. Like… how good? I’d say 7 out of 10 for sure. He’s tall. And he works out. Ugh, and that smile.

I’m confused as to how physical appearance relates to sexual prowess.  Because you’re good looking that means you’re good at sex?  Have you seen Ron Jeremy?

14.  Wait, how good am I in bed? Nine, right? Yeah, definitely 9. I should find a way to talk about something sexual – so he knows I’m interested.

Yes, because talking about how good you are at sex on the first date is totally appropriate.

15.  What if he’s a bad kisser? Do you think that means he’ll be a bad parent?

Do you envision the father of your children making out with your daughter after her soccer game? I’m confused about this correlation.

16.  STOP. He just ordered the chocolate cake. HE JUST ORDERED THE CHOCOLATE CAKE. I think I found my soulmate.

This is true.  I totally agree.

17.  I know it’s really early, but I really think this relationship is going somewhere. Right? I mean, we even stayed for dessert. And because, cake.

Or, he just needed something to cleanse his palate after a salty meal.  I’ve stayed on plenty of dates in order to get dessert with no intention of hanging out with the guy again.  YOU ALWAYS STAY FOR DESSERT.

18.  Wow, definitely need to text my mom again. He’s covering the whole bill. Chivalry is sooo not dead, guys.

Are you going to text your mom and let her know he opened the door for you, too?

19.  Maybe I shouldn’t kiss him? Right? I mean, maybe he should sweat it out a little.

Agreed.

20.  He definitely just asked me if he could come over. Likiiiingggg where this is going!

Again, he wants to sleep with you.

21.  Oh, wait, did I remember to shave?

Do you go on a date and not prepare yourself for anything that could happen?  WHO ARE YOU?

Why Women Are Responsible For “The Hook-Up Culture” And How We Can Change It

ARTICLE ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AT TheEighty8.com:

DATING & SEX, RELATIONSHIPS MAY 21, 2014

 

What I’m about to say may come off as a little harsh, but my mother always told me that being straightforward was always better than sugarcoating an issue.

Sometimes Betty Crocker can’t even make a poorly baked cake look better.  So why should you try to be sweet with an issue that can’t be dressed up and presented as something acceptable?

There are countless articles on the interwebs about “the hook-up culture” and how it is ruining relationships for millennials. Girls are settling for hooking up guys who don’t actually want to date them, and subsequently perpetuating the idea that men don’t need to commit to women in order to get what they want.

While the hook-up culture is absolutely a factor in changing the relationship landscape of today, the reality is that the entire culture can be entirely changed by women–we just have to want to do it.

This isn’t new news, but there is a double standard in society that says women cannot have the same hook up patterns (publicly) as men.  I don’t plan on going into the idiocy of this notion, nor do I feel like I should have to explain to the other half of the human race that women are just as sexually charged as men, but unfortunately, in today’s world, girls cannot go around hooking up with multiple people in short periods of time without earning some sort of derogatory label.

With the advent of technology and the ridiculous idea that being tied down to one person during your twenties is insane, women have settled for steady hooks ups rather than relationships.  This is all fine and well until you’re faced with a complete degenerate asshole who doesn’t respect you as a human being.

If you happen to be one of those girls who has decided to engage in a casual hook up situation with  Mr. Douche, than please listen very carefully to what I am about to say.

You knew he wasn’t going to be boyfriend material when you started hooking up with him.  There was never any thought in your mind that it would turn into something more than sex.  When talking about him with your friends, you have associated his name with the following: douche, asshole and loser.  You are aware that he does not respect you, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.

The way I see it, you have two choices. You can choose to make sex the priority.  You can accept that he doesn’t respect you in the way that he should, and fully look at it as you needing your needs met just as much as he needs his.  But it will have to be on a ‘good for him’ basis, because you know he doesn’t always follow through with plans.

Or you can choose to make yourself the priority.  Awareness of your personal worth and value as a human being is something so easily compromised today.  While you may have needs just like a guy does, by not putting self respect above sex, you’re perpetuating the hook-up culture.  You’re making it okay for guys to not call when they say they will, flake on plans and disrespect girls because they know they will be able to get what they want at a later time.

It starts with girls respecting themselves.  No one said changing the world was easy, and it’s not always a fair fight.  But the girl who respects herself puts out a far better vibe than the girl who is just down for anything, and guys will notice that.

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Fool Me Once, Shame On You!

I’m going to say it; there’s a lot of trickery going on in the world right now.

I’ll be the first to say I’m not discrete.  I think wearing sunglasses allows me to stare at people without being noticed.  It does not.  Maybe when I turn thirty that will finally sink in.

Until then, please ignore my piercing stare through my slighting tinted lenses when you’re walking to work – I’m just harmlessly judging you. No cause for alarm.

I like to believe I have a keen eye when it comes to being able to determine what is real and what is fake.  I am also one point upgrade in my prescription from being deemed legally blind, so maybe having a keen eye doesn’t really factor into my picture at all.

I’m not going as far as saying I’m gullible, but I guess I’m just prone to deception.

It’s easy to fall victim to every day impostors.  But with a few double takes, a good google search, and a question everything personality, you can find out that things aren’t really what they seem.

Tinder (and every other dating app that is solely based on physical appearance):

Ever get matched up with a guy or girl and you’re hitting it off?  Witty banter all the time.  Can’t wait til he or she messages me back.  This is great! His picture is awesome, his name is Kale and he’s a vegan.  He’s got board shorts and a tuxedo tshirt on in every picture, looks like my type of man!  Is that a fedora?  Sign me up. When you finally agree to meet up with this technological man of mystery, you’re expecting tall, dark, and handsome Mr. Rico Suave in his Hawaiian tourist attire to be seated at the restaurant awaiting your arrival.  Until you show up and it’s a 5 foot 2 kid named Kaleb and he’s already eaten a seaweed salad because you were five minutes late and he’s a stickler for time management. He was only tan because that picture was taken on spring break and he was standing on a rock wall so he looked taller than his friends.

You’ve been duped.

Sales:

You’re walking down the cereal aisle of the grocery store and you see a two-for-one deal on Frosted Flakes.  Do you need two boxes of overly-sugared breakfast treats? No.  But sale items make you think you’re getting a better deal, when you’re really just getting fatter. I hate you, sales.  I hate you with a fire of a thousand suns.  I go into the store thinking I need one avocado and a bag of chips and I walk out with four sweet potatoes, a Native American, and a Thanksgiving turkey in July because it was a festive presale.  I didn’t even have a coupon either!

Food Photography:

I think food is becoming a trend in my life.  We’ll get to that another time. There is nothing I love more than a lean cuisine.  I pick things specifically because of how the food looks on the box.  If I see broccoli practically jumping off the cardboard and into my mouth, I’m going to double down on those bad boys and take them home.  When I open the box and in the container is a sad, congealed cheesy mess of a meal, I have immediate food remorse.  The picture never adequately displays how the food looks.  It’s like going on a first date with make up and showing up the second time around barefaced and hungover.  Just not pretty.

I realized I just equated eating a grocery store frozen meal to dating.  This is why I am single.

Baby Carrots:

This one hurt the most.  I recently found out that baby carrots are just shaved down big carrots.  How insane is that?  That must be the only thing on the planet where the full sized version isn’t good enough to the point where they have to make a mini version of it to sell better.  Just trust your parents, kids, vegetables are good for you!  Wait, is that why pygmy goats exist? Can someone get me a confirmation on that?

Craigslist:

You’re in the market for a new apartment.  You’re scouring the internet for a deal, and you come across this unbelieveable find.  Why is it still listed?  This can’t be real life!  The pictures look great, immaculate construction, clean, wood floors, and nicely decorated.  Until you show up and it’s a revamped bomb shelter from World War two and your room has three walls that consist of deluxe paper towel sheets and chicken wire.  Cozy!

SitComs:

Laugh tracks aren’t really people laughing at the jokes.  They are essentially telling the viewer when to laugh.  So does that mean sitcoms aren’t funny?  I don’t even know anymore.  I’m brainwashed by television and I’m not afraid to admit it.

…

Like I said, folks.  The world is full of trickery.  Keep your head on a swivel.  Keep your eyes on the prize.

I’m going to go investigate whether or not I actually have a lactose allergy or if my mom was just saying that to me so I wouldn’t eat ice cream.  I wouldn’t be surprised.  I’d plow through a carton of mint choco chip when I was a kid; she may have just been doing me a service.