I’m going to say it; there’s a lot of trickery going on in the world right now.

I’ll be the first to say I’m not discrete.  I think wearing sunglasses allows me to stare at people without being noticed.  It does not.  Maybe when I turn thirty that will finally sink in.

Until then, please ignore my piercing stare through my slighting tinted lenses when you’re walking to work – I’m just harmlessly judging you. No cause for alarm.

I like to believe I have a keen eye when it comes to being able to determine what is real and what is fake.  I am also one point upgrade in my prescription from being deemed legally blind, so maybe having a keen eye doesn’t really factor into my picture at all.

I’m not going as far as saying I’m gullible, but I guess I’m just prone to deception.

It’s easy to fall victim to every day impostors.  But with a few double takes, a good google search, and a question everything personality, you can find out that things aren’t really what they seem.

Tinder (and every other dating app that is solely based on physical appearance):

Ever get matched up with a guy or girl and you’re hitting it off?  Witty banter all the time.  Can’t wait til he or she messages me back.  This is great! His picture is awesome, his name is Kale and he’s a vegan.  He’s got board shorts and a tuxedo tshirt on in every picture, looks like my type of man!  Is that a fedora?  Sign me up. When you finally agree to meet up with this technological man of mystery, you’re expecting tall, dark, and handsome Mr. Rico Suave in his Hawaiian tourist attire to be seated at the restaurant awaiting your arrival.  Until you show up and it’s a 5 foot 2 kid named Kaleb and he’s already eaten a seaweed salad because you were five minutes late and he’s a stickler for time management. He was only tan because that picture was taken on spring break and he was standing on a rock wall so he looked taller than his friends.

You’ve been duped.

Sales:

You’re walking down the cereal aisle of the grocery store and you see a two-for-one deal on Frosted Flakes.  Do you need two boxes of overly-sugared breakfast treats? No.  But sale items make you think you’re getting a better deal, when you’re really just getting fatter. I hate you, sales.  I hate you with a fire of a thousand suns.  I go into the store thinking I need one avocado and a bag of chips and I walk out with four sweet potatoes, a Native American, and a Thanksgiving turkey in July because it was a festive presale.  I didn’t even have a coupon either!

Food Photography:

I think food is becoming a trend in my life.  We’ll get to that another time. There is nothing I love more than a lean cuisine.  I pick things specifically because of how the food looks on the box.  If I see broccoli practically jumping off the cardboard and into my mouth, I’m going to double down on those bad boys and take them home.  When I open the box and in the container is a sad, congealed cheesy mess of a meal, I have immediate food remorse.  The picture never adequately displays how the food looks.  It’s like going on a first date with make up and showing up the second time around barefaced and hungover.  Just not pretty.

I realized I just equated eating a grocery store frozen meal to dating.  This is why I am single.

Baby Carrots:

This one hurt the most.  I recently found out that baby carrots are just shaved down big carrots.  How insane is that?  That must be the only thing on the planet where the full sized version isn’t good enough to the point where they have to make a mini version of it to sell better.  Just trust your parents, kids, vegetables are good for you!  Wait, is that why pygmy goats exist? Can someone get me a confirmation on that?

Craigslist:

You’re in the market for a new apartment.  You’re scouring the internet for a deal, and you come across this unbelieveable find.  Why is it still listed?  This can’t be real life!  The pictures look great, immaculate construction, clean, wood floors, and nicely decorated.  Until you show up and it’s a revamped bomb shelter from World War two and your room has three walls that consist of deluxe paper towel sheets and chicken wire.  Cozy!

SitComs:

Laugh tracks aren’t really people laughing at the jokes.  They are essentially telling the viewer when to laugh.  So does that mean sitcoms aren’t funny?  I don’t even know anymore.  I’m brainwashed by television and I’m not afraid to admit it.

…

Like I said, folks.  The world is full of trickery.  Keep your head on a swivel.  Keep your eyes on the prize.

I’m going to go investigate whether or not I actually have a lactose allergy or if my mom was just saying that to me so I wouldn’t eat ice cream.  I wouldn’t be surprised.  I’d plow through a carton of mint choco chip when I was a kid; she may have just been doing me a service.