Sweet Potato Fries Are Ruining My Relationship

If there’s one way to lose a man’s trust, it’s to be completely full of shit when you rate meals on a 1-10 scale. They take food very seriously.

I irresponsibly rated sweet potato fries an 8/10 on my first date with my boyfriend and it became a permanent stain on our relationship.  He claims he can’t trust me, that he doesn’t really know who I am or what I’m thinking.

I should have just gone with the onion rings.

What I learned from falsely embellishing the deliciousness of my side dish is that there are certain things you need to ask on the first date to make sure if this is someone you can be with long term.  I mistakenly judged the importance of food ratings and I have not been able to live it down since.

In order for you to avoid being plagued with ridicule when it comes to food for the remainder of your relationship and inevitably creating a rocky and unstable trust between you and your partner, I’ve compiled a list of questions you MUST ask on the first date to avoid irreparable damage later on.

Here are the questions you NEED to ask on a first date to determine if this is someone you can be with for a long time:

 

What kind of sports fan are you? For the most part, this question applies to the male species, but I’ll include those diehard females who rep it hard in the sports department. Knowing what kind of sports fan your partner is will be crucial for the rest of your relationship. Most men like a sport for each of the seasons, so you’re going to need to know if he’s going to lock you out of your apartment or rip a couch cushion if Dwyane Wade doesn’t hit 3 points or that guy in the NFL doesn’t get 1824396 carries and 2734061 yards in a random game that doesn’t really matter (It totally matters though, somehow).

What is your position on Christmas music? If you are one of those girls who starts playing Christmas music on December 26th to prepare for the next holiday season, you’re going to need to let your partner know that ahead of time.  Even if you’re a semi-normal human being who starts playing tasteful holiday tunes after Thanksgiving, you should respect the other person’s ears enough to let them know they should invest in earplugs for the next month and a half.

What do you rate Jennifer Aniston on a scale of 1-10?  This question can be tweaked based on the celebrity of your choosing, but Jenny Anz is a pretty well known celebrity that both men and women like. Once you’ve asked the question and both given answers, if your number differentiate by more than 2 points on a 1-10 scale, you may be in disagreement with what the 1-10 scale is.  This is not okay and will set a precedent for the future of rating questions.  You must find an agreeable medium and set forth a list of qualifications pertaining to each number on the scale. This is the only way you will be able to take each other’s opinions seriously when you ask questions like, “On a scale of 1-10 how good are these sweet potato fries?”

Are you able to commit to tacky/trendy/seasonal activities knowing full well it will interrupt your weekend/sports/day off plans? This applies mainly to women, but maybe some instances men will get the seasonal feels and want to go skate on a pond or chop down a tree for good measure.  If you’re not ready to commit to losing a couple hours on a Sunday to grab some apples off a tree or carve a smiley face on an orange gourd, you should just throw in the towel right now.

What are your thoughts on animals? Listen, I get it, some people don’t like animals. Whether it be an allergy, a bad experience, or just not being human, you need to find out if your lifelong dream of owning a farm of Great Danes is never going to come to fruition because you’re getting involved with the future bane of your existence.

Which side of the bed do you sleep on? There is nothing worse than having your first adult sleepover and both jumping in on the left side. Not only will it create an awkward rift when you lose because your boyfriend outweighs you by 100 lbs, it will most likely not work because sleeping is real life and you need that more than you need love. #HarshReality

Obviously, I encourage you to ask those awkward questions about wanting a family, politics, and religion, but if you want to get to the stuff that actually matters, take my advice.

Or don’t. I steered my boyfriend wrong when I rated the sweet potato fries, so I could be making things up entirely out of thin air.


What are the important questions you ask on a first date?

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13 comments

  1. Of course you’re still at risk of the man who tells his first date that he indeed loves something he truly despises, only for the sake of getting her into bed. I suppose as long as they get in on opposite sides, it could last. 😉

  2. Have you seen the “Date Lie Detector” skit on Portlandia? Its a friend that goes with them to double check every comment/fact the guy/gal says on the date. I think its extremely effective and should be designed as an app. It would listen in on the conversation and then secretly call the person’s family members and friends to find out if they are lying or not. 😉 Just a really important piece of information for you.

  3. It’s very funny if she “doesn’t mind about the side of the bed” (sic), and three hours later, he wakes up over the carpet. A friend of mine told me that story, not my case. I promise, not my case. You can trust me, I… Ok, ok

  4. Ha! Well, I got to date women, although I am in a long term relationship now. The food rating game would be completely different, with each of us trying to out-nice the other, because nobody wants to be critical on a first date, and women are all deep and full of feelings and compassion (I generalise, some women are not so deep and not so full of feelings). The Jennifer Anniston question is still valid, although it now has a whole new set of connotations and there will be no asking for a celebrity free pass on a first date. The sports thing? relevant also, I’d be looking for a “what is this sport thing you speak of?” type response. But seriously though, in my experience if it was going badly you’d be trying to salvage the evening by getting totally plastered (drink til they’re cute!) and if it’s going well you’d be trying to steer the conversation away from the U-Haul on the first date!

    • That’s exactly why i overrated the sweet pots on the first date, I didn’t want to seem so harsh! But, alas, I should have been honest. They sucked. And definitely need to know what KIND of sports were talking, I can’t imagine being with someone who wants to sit through curling 5 times a week…. Thanks for reading!

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