EMERGENCY ALERT: HELP ME WIN A FREE BURRITO

It’s been one year since I went to war with Chipotle, and now I have a chance at redemption.

This is the first Chipotle, ever, in the history of the world. I found it. And I ate there. And it was magic.

This is the first Chipotle, ever, in the history of the world. I found it. And I ate there. And it was magic.

If you don’t remember, or if you don’t care, it was basically the biggest victory of all mankind and I revel in the idea of winning fair and square this year.

Chipotle has given the public another chance to WIN two free burritos this Valentine’s Day by writing haikus and posting it on social media.

I need help winning this for the second time. This will not only be the greatest accomplishment in my twenty-five years of living, I’m pretty sure it will top the day I get married and/or have children.

And god only knows when that’s going to happen because on my first date with my boyfriend, all I talked about was my feud with Chipotle, onion rings, and sweet potato fries.  I think he partially thinks I’m certifiably insane. And no one wants to commit a lifetime to someone who is certifiably insane.

He’s not wrong though.

Whatever.  I don’t just want this to happen.  I need it to happen.

So, here’s what you can do for me.  And really, if you do this for me, let me know what I can do for you.  I’m really good at giving high fives, making cookies from mixes that only require adding water, and eating competitively against people who aren’t competitive eaters. 

Please head over to Twitter and retweet THIS tweet and the person with the most at the end of the day today will win!  I HOPE IT’S ME.

Or if Facebook is your social drug of choice, head over to Chipotle’s wall and ‘like’ THIS post by yours truly.

Thanks for supporting and fueling my inevitable descent into gluttony. 

Ps – I know. My life is sad.  But what else is there to do but ignore the world when there are two free burritos, chips and guac, and the fountain soda of your choice on the line?  NOTHING. NOTHING I SAY.

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One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind

And I mean literally one, small step. Because I don’t even have to get off my couch to order hangover food anymore.

PRAISE JESUS, GOD DOES EXIST!

Honestly, I didn’t think my Tuesday could get better.  I went to yoga this morning and did a warrior 3 pose without falling on top of my face, then transformed myself into a tree like a boss without teetering or tottering. Today ruled before 8am.

But then something amazing happened. I was perusing the internet watching YouTube videos of beagles being released from captivity and then BAM! Yahoo! news is all up in my grill mix with this article about Taco Bell’s new app.

You hear that, Chipotle? Taco Breezey has a new app and you can pre-order all your hangover snacks and have it ready for your arrival. That’s some real royalty stuff, and I’m the real life self-proclaimed Princess of Burritos.

And wait, I was three seconds away from ending this blog prematurely before I even mentioned the added benefits of ordering yourself a Taco Bell breakfast from the convenience of your home. Now that you don’t have to wait until the stroke of dawn to be in the drive-thru line, you can order your cinnabites and breakfast crunchwrap supreme from the hangover palace that is your bed.

GET IN MY BELLY.

GET IN MY BELLY.

I mean, yes, you’ll have to go pick it up, but you won’t have to wait in line like the other plebeians who aren’t up to date on that dang-fangled technology (I see you, grandma) who also periodically set their alarm clocks to clog their arteries on their weekend fast food rotation.

Now, let me go snag my crown and go to town on a cheesy gordita crunch.

Ps- I know we’re all reeling on high emotions because of this sem-monumental creation, but if Taco Bell could speed up the process on a delivery system, I’d solemnly swear to cut Chipotle off for the rest of my life and pledge my allegiance to the kingdom of TB.

Your call, Mr. Bell.


What do you think about Taco Bell’s new app?

It’s Safe To Say Chipotle Blacklisted Me

There comes a time in every girl’s life where she has to stand up for what she believes in.  It may not be the most popular opinion.  It may not win her any awards.  But in desperate times you need some desperate measures.

In a nutshell, I’m at war with Chipotle.

My mother was not amused or supportive of my endeavors.

My mother was not amused or supportive of my endeavors.

Let me start off by saying this war is 50% my fault.  I’m not one to avoid taking responsibility for my actions.  I’m also not the type of person to take all the blame for something either.

Back in February, Chipotle ran a haiku contest where entrants were asked to create a, you guessed it, haiku demonstrating their love of all things Chipotle burritos.  So naturally, being creatively inclined in the writing department, I decided to take this chance and show the burrito conglomerate what my cerebral cortex really thinks about all the time: snacks.

The prize was two free burritos, chips and guac and a fountain soda of my choosing. JACKPOT.

Cut to the part that is my fault.  Much like my entire academic career, I didn’t read the directions. I was so excited, so hopped up on burrito fueled creativity, I completely blanked on when the contest actually started and ended.

The letter of good intentions.

The letter of good intentions.

I created the most perfectly crafted haiku that I personally thought would be foolish to ignore as the clear winner, even though I didn’t see, read or care about any other haikus in the contest.  I just knew mine was the best.

I went on a social media blitz.  I asked my entire family to vote for me. I was dedicated.  The only problem was I completely missed the deadline.  The contest I so desperately wanted to win had ended three days prior to my attack.  I was devastated, heartbroken, and downtrodden.

So I did the only rational thing any human being obsessed with winning a free burrito would do.  I wrote Chipotle a letter.

(see above)

To me, that is a very strongly worded letter. Lots of feelings are involved.  I was fully aware that I may be certifiably insane and could be put on Chipotle’s “No Fly” list – do they even have one? Probably.

But I was willing to put my mental state on display to show them how much I love them.  Because when I’m committed to something, I am all in, and I wasn’t about to let a big, bad burrito company get the best of me.

NOT TODAY. Not ever.

So, finally Chipotle Joe responds to me.  He asks for my mailing address to send me something.  I have no idea what it is. I’m just filled with glee.

In my head, I’m thinking they’re sending an inflatable burrito toy, a “Lifetime Member” pin for my sweaters, maybe even a thousand coupons and free burritos for life.

The possibilities were endless.

Then a week went by, two weeks, and still nothing in the mail.  So, maybe it got lost, so I sent Chipotle Joe another message.  You know, just to check on the status of things.  He responded, promptly.

(see below)

chip2

Chipotle Joe is on my shit list.

But now were almost two months in, and I still have yet to receive anything.

I’m wondering what I did to deserve this kind of treatment.

Don’t you always reward the best players on the team with the MVP trophy?  Don’t you always give the promotion to the person who deserves it most?  Don’t you care at all about people who love burritos?

My conclusion is that Chipotle does not care.  And I may be asking a lot, but I’m asking all of you to boycott them.

Or just be on my side with this one.  I know I may sound a little off the sane wagon, and by a little, I mean I’m fully aware that I’ve probably been blacklisted by Chipotle.

But I just need to feel validated. I need to know that what I’ve done cannot be ignored and I deserve my Lifetime Member pin!

What do you think?  Am I really crazy?  Or is Chipotle wrong? (Think before you answer, or you may be receiving one of these letters, and no one wants that.)