I’m Thankful For The Facebook Timeline Feature Because Now I Can Relive My Glory Days With The Click Of A Button.

Everyone!  Let’s give a round of applause for technology and the permanent trail of embarrassment that is the internet!

Just when you think you’ve escaped the metaphorical black hole that was your life in middle and high school, Facebook is here with the Timeline Activity feature that allows you to click a year and see just what you wrote during that specific time period.  Let’s bring back those cringeworthy flirt posts, relive that awkward drunk message you wrote to that kid you don’t even know, and by all means, take a loosky at that time you thought it was a good idea to wear plaid pants and high top sneakers.

I like to put my life on display.  Mostly because I think that if I admit to myself and the world how much of an embarassment to society I was between the ages of my entire life 12-22, maybe I can help others not make the same mistakes.

So, today I am thankful for Facebook.  I am so excited that I get a permanent reminder of how much of a jackass I was when I was sixteen and constantly get to see my blatant disregard for proper capitalization and grammar.  I guess hindsight is twenty/twenty.

Here are some highlights from my Facebook past:

0

Zo zerious, in fact, that I couldn’t even use an ‘S’

1

Halfway convinced that my mother actually wrote this status instead of me.  But then I remember that she can barely work Microsoft Word in 2014, so there’s no way she could have hacked into my Facebook account back in 2006.

2

I never got a humpback whale. WHERE IS MY HUMPBACK WHALE.

3

#FutureEnglishMajor #FutureTeacher

4

Well, there you have it folks, you can finally tell people you know someone who has risen from the dead. I’m pretty sure it sucked when I was dead, but I can assure you, being alive is way more fun.

5

So, I’m not half asian. Not even in the slightest bit. So I don’t think I can regret it, but clearly it was something I felt strongly about this night.

6

Honestly, this is a personal problem and I’m getting it checked out.  I didn’t realize I was so willy nilly about exposing personal struggles via such a public forum, but I guess a lot was going on in life in 2008.

7

Like I said, clearly a lot was going on in my life where I wasn’t concerned about being implicated for the murder of my professor.  Like how shitty of a criminal am I?

Sidenote: I didn’t actually murder my professor, but he’s definitely not here to talk about it anymore.

8

This is a brilliant idea and I don’t know why I haven’t rethought of this.  Probably because I came to the conclusion that bathtubs are generally riddled with the remnants of dirty people, therefor, I realized I was washing my clothes in liquid human filth. #graphic #visuals

9

This is what I was concerned about when I studied abroad.  This is also why I gained twenty-five pounds before I came back.

10

Valid. They were. And I legit never got them back.

Hey! Let’s be social and make bad decisions together, follow me on Facebook, and I’ll do the same for you.  LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

***

Have you ever posted anything on the internet you later regretted?  What’s your best/most embarrassing post?

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One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind

And I mean literally one, small step. Because I don’t even have to get off my couch to order hangover food anymore.

PRAISE JESUS, GOD DOES EXIST!

Honestly, I didn’t think my Tuesday could get better.  I went to yoga this morning and did a warrior 3 pose without falling on top of my face, then transformed myself into a tree like a boss without teetering or tottering. Today ruled before 8am.

But then something amazing happened. I was perusing the internet watching YouTube videos of beagles being released from captivity and then BAM! Yahoo! news is all up in my grill mix with this article about Taco Bell’s new app.

You hear that, Chipotle? Taco Breezey has a new app and you can pre-order all your hangover snacks and have it ready for your arrival. That’s some real royalty stuff, and I’m the real life self-proclaimed Princess of Burritos.

And wait, I was three seconds away from ending this blog prematurely before I even mentioned the added benefits of ordering yourself a Taco Bell breakfast from the convenience of your home. Now that you don’t have to wait until the stroke of dawn to be in the drive-thru line, you can order your cinnabites and breakfast crunchwrap supreme from the hangover palace that is your bed.

GET IN MY BELLY.

GET IN MY BELLY.

I mean, yes, you’ll have to go pick it up, but you won’t have to wait in line like the other plebeians who aren’t up to date on that dang-fangled technology (I see you, grandma) who also periodically set their alarm clocks to clog their arteries on their weekend fast food rotation.

Now, let me go snag my crown and go to town on a cheesy gordita crunch.

Ps- I know we’re all reeling on high emotions because of this sem-monumental creation, but if Taco Bell could speed up the process on a delivery system, I’d solemnly swear to cut Chipotle off for the rest of my life and pledge my allegiance to the kingdom of TB.

Your call, Mr. Bell.


What do you think about Taco Bell’s new app?

Things I’d Rather Do Instead of Wait In Line for the iPhone 6

iPhone-6-meme-3

#FML

Get ready, world!

The new iPhone is coming out September 19, and your wallet is going to slap you in the face and punch you in the groin until you pee out all your money and you’re left with nothing but a thin metal device that fits in your back pocket and can dial numbers and text just like your old phone could.

But wait!  There’s more!

It has the INTERNET! Oh, the other iPhones have the internet?

I’m confused.

I was reading this article on Mashable about the lines that formed due to the iPhone 5s/c being released last year.  Kids, and in some cases, parents (which is more embarrassing), waited in line and slept overnight just so they can pay two-hundred dollars and probably not even use an upgrade for a phone that will be outdated in about six months.

Anyways, in lieu of the downward spiral in which consumer America is headed, I’ve compiled a list of things I would rather do instead of spending the night sleeping next to the resident homeless man on the city sidewalks.

Things I’d Rather Do Instead of Wait In Line for the iPhone 6:

  1. Actually sleep in a bed. I have to believe that sleeping on a concrete sidewalk next to a bunch of people who are overly-excited about technology, and haven’t showered, has to be what purgatory feels like. I’m also almost certain there will be chants and clapping in unison. No thank you. PS – don’t you work?
  2. Watch All Eight Harry Potter Movies. And honestly, I may not even have enough time for all of them.  I think the first person got in line last year around 7pm the night before.  The stores opened at 8am, making the total time voluntarily spent outdoors clocks in around thirteen hours.  Each of the Harry Potter movies run between two and a half to three hours, so thats only about half the series.  But hey, by the time I watched all eight movies in succession, the new iPhone will be out and I’ll be ready for human contact again. Bonus.
  3.  Read a car manual.  Some people like to camp in anticipation, I’m just more partial to sleeping in a temperature controlled apartment, not having to worry that someone’s going to jack my sidewalk block because I momentarily dozed off. So thanks, but I’ll take laying on my pillow-top mattress reading my Jetta’s manual instead.
  4. Get in line at at the DMV.  You know if that many people are waiting in line for an iPhone, there has to be at least half those people aren’t pre-camping out at the DMV waiting to register their cars.  Knowledge.
  5. Make an entire Thanksgiving meal.  I’d rather sit with a baster and play babysitter to a 26lb turkey making sure it’s cooked to perfection. At least there’s food involved.
  6. Complain about my current iPhone. By making a firm commitment to not buy the new iPhone, this gives me ample opportunities to complain about my current phone every chance I get.
  7. Go grocery shopping right before a natural disaster.  At least you’re semi-guaranteed to get at least one of the things you came for at the grocery store. If you are the loser that shows up at 9pm for an 8am opening, you don’t have a shot in hell.  Time to go home and pop in some of those Harry Potter DVDs, cause you lost. I may not have milk or canned goods, but I can at least get some Nilla Wafers and perishables before you get your iPhone.

Do I envy the people who will waste a night of precious, comfortable sleep to get it? No.

Am I bitter I won’t have the new iPhone? Absolutely.

But, I will bet you ten dollars that the people who wait in line for this phone are the same people that had those rechargeable Power Wheels drag racing down the street, one-upping the entire neighborhood.

I hate your commitment. But I respect your hustle.

***

Are you excited for the new iPhone?

Don’t You Have A Text Message To Answer Or Something?

It’s that person talking to you on the subway, the one asking about the weather in the elevator, that guy in the bar trying to make conversation with you while you’re waiting for your friend to show up.

Yeah, they’re alone too, but seriously, don’t they have a text message to answer or something?

The whole idea of spontaneous communication has been misconstrued.  If you talk to me without a reason, I assume you want something from me, you’re weird, you’re lost, or you’re just creepy.

You’re definitely not just friendly, right?  No, definitely not.  That would be… well, weird.

It may be because I hail from the northeast.  Things tend to move a little faster up here, we tend to be a little more ornery when it comes to personal space, and I guess, maybe we just think we’re a little more important.

Because we definitely have text messages to answer, and if you’re talking to me without a reason, it’s not going to be well received, because my mother needs to know that I ate three pork chops for dinner, and it’s imperative that I type it NOW.

When did it become uncomfortable to wait for someone without the security of a screen?  Why do people feel the need to answer text messages at dinner?  Or pick up phone calls on the subway?  Why are we so dependent on constant connection, yet we can’t seem to welcome a social interaction that isn’t primarily digital?

We are so concerned with friend counts, that we would request to be ‘friends’ with strangers, getting excited at how many people like what we’re doing, but we can’t sit at the same bar with a new face and speak to them directly without questioning intentions or why he or she cares about our lives.

In short, the world is fucked up.

Genuine conversation is depleting faster than the ozone layer. It is so hard to talk to someone you don’t know.  I mean, really, though… what are you supposed to say?  Hi? That’s dumb.

Standing in line waiting for lunch, some guy is talking about his favorite sandwich condiments.  He happens to love BBQ sauce almost as much as his unborn child, just like me.

But I have text messages to answer, no need to chime in with my two cents.

The older man at the bus stop has a war veteran patch on the jacket he wears every day.  He’s been through some serious shit, seen things people should never see, has perspectives that would shatter bigot minds and open eyes to what is really going on.

But no one notices his patches, no one hears his stories.  There are text messages to answer.

How about those love stories where the two people met on a bus and sparked up a conversation, the girl who dropped her keys only to have the guy of her dreams pick them up for her, the guy who moves into his new apartment and rides the elevator with the girl of his dreams?

Oh yeah, those things don’t happen.

Because there are text messages to answer.

 

Your Cell Phone Is Turning You Into A Jackass

Have you ever had a tree magically appear in the middle of your walking path?   Bump into a mailbox that had the audacity to stick out just a little too far from its post?  Fall victim to a dip in the sidewalk that DEFINITELY wasn’t there yesterday?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may not know it, but your cell phone is turning you into a jackass.

A lot of people in today’s society would rather lose both arms and trade their first born instead of going a day without their cell phone.  We have this need to be connected at all times of the day; to know what is going on every minute of every hour.  Without our phones, we might miss what Angelina Jolie wore to the grocery store at 8:36am on a Tuesday.

But I’m not here to point fingers.  I have, at one or many points, answered yes to all three of the questions I posed above.  Which is why I have recognized and admitted that my cellphone has in fact, turned me into an asshole.

If you live in a city, or anywhere that generates substantial foot traffic, you recognize that something as simple as walking in a straight line may seem like a Herculean task for some people.  There are those people who take up the entire sidewalk, or those who think that suddenly stopping will somehow make the laws of inertia follow suit, preventing everyone who is following from a body to body collision.

If you put a cell phone in the hands of any and/or all of those people, the world might just self destruct.

When you have your cell phone in your hand, everyone around you becomes irrelevant.  It’s almost as if it emits a force field that envelops your entire body, blocking out all sound, sight, and common sense.  So naturally, that oak tree sprouted overnight, that mailbox is absolutely sticking out too far, and that dip in the sidewalk was definitely not there the day before.

On the off chance that you happen to be a human being who doesn’t use their phone for an application telling you how to put one foot in front of the other, yet you still can’t put it down for your ten minute walk to wherever it is you’re going, we would all like you to know that we understand how important your life is, and we will start making adjustments to our schedules to stay out of your way.

Your cellphone cloud of ignorance does not dissipate when you leave the sidewalk, it follows you into your home, your work, and your social life.

When you are out with friends and simple conversation isn’t enough to stimulate your brain, your cell phone might be turning you into a jackass.  Refusing to acknowledge anyone else’s conversational needs before your own is a tell tale sign of not giving a fuck about anyone but yourself.

I’m sure the person or people you are out with loves staring at your forehead while you answer text messages from friends who are not currently present.  Seeing you take a phone call at dinner and then listening in on half of your conversation with your cousin, John, may or may not be the highlight of their day.

There are several remedies that can help reverse being a jackass when it comes to using your phone.  All you need to do is simply take your cellphone, place it in your pocket, and go wherever you need to go.  I promise no one will think you have no friends if you are walking around completely aware of your surroundings.

You can also take a more extreme approach, and when out with friends, put your phone on vibrate, silent, or in some cases, even powered off.  This will ensure that you will have face-to-face, uninterrupted conversations with whomever you’re out.  Should the occasion arise where one or more parties need to use the restroom, feel free to take out your phone to check to see if anyone thinks you’ve skipped town.

But, maybe you could use the brief moment of solitude to reflect on your newfound freedom, know that you’re with a person or group of people who have chosen to hang out with you, and revel in the fact that you do indeed have friends even though you are not currently on your phone talking to someone.

Or you can always just be a jackass.