I’m Thankful For The Facebook Timeline Feature Because Now I Can Relive My Glory Days With The Click Of A Button.

Everyone!  Let’s give a round of applause for technology and the permanent trail of embarrassment that is the internet!

Just when you think you’ve escaped the metaphorical black hole that was your life in middle and high school, Facebook is here with the Timeline Activity feature that allows you to click a year and see just what you wrote during that specific time period.  Let’s bring back those cringeworthy flirt posts, relive that awkward drunk message you wrote to that kid you don’t even know, and by all means, take a loosky at that time you thought it was a good idea to wear plaid pants and high top sneakers.

I like to put my life on display.  Mostly because I think that if I admit to myself and the world how much of an embarassment to society I was between the ages of my entire life 12-22, maybe I can help others not make the same mistakes.

So, today I am thankful for Facebook.  I am so excited that I get a permanent reminder of how much of a jackass I was when I was sixteen and constantly get to see my blatant disregard for proper capitalization and grammar.  I guess hindsight is twenty/twenty.

Here are some highlights from my Facebook past:


Zo zerious, in fact, that I couldn’t even use an ‘S’


Halfway convinced that my mother actually wrote this status instead of me.  But then I remember that she can barely work Microsoft Word in 2014, so there’s no way she could have hacked into my Facebook account back in 2006.


I never got a humpback whale. WHERE IS MY HUMPBACK WHALE.


#FutureEnglishMajor #FutureTeacher


Well, there you have it folks, you can finally tell people you know someone who has risen from the dead. I’m pretty sure it sucked when I was dead, but I can assure you, being alive is way more fun.


So, I’m not half asian. Not even in the slightest bit. So I don’t think I can regret it, but clearly it was something I felt strongly about this night.


Honestly, this is a personal problem and I’m getting it checked out.  I didn’t realize I was so willy nilly about exposing personal struggles via such a public forum, but I guess a lot was going on in life in 2008.


Like I said, clearly a lot was going on in my life where I wasn’t concerned about being implicated for the murder of my professor.  Like how shitty of a criminal am I?

Sidenote: I didn’t actually murder my professor, but he’s definitely not here to talk about it anymore.


This is a brilliant idea and I don’t know why I haven’t rethought of this.  Probably because I came to the conclusion that bathtubs are generally riddled with the remnants of dirty people, therefor, I realized I was washing my clothes in liquid human filth. #graphic #visuals


This is what I was concerned about when I studied abroad.  This is also why I gained twenty-five pounds before I came back.


Valid. They were. And I legit never got them back.

Hey! Let’s be social and make bad decisions together, follow me on Facebook, and I’ll do the same for you.  LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.


Have you ever posted anything on the internet you later regretted?  What’s your best/most embarrassing post?

Honest Facebook Status Updates

Because this is what people are really thinking:

  • No, I don’t want to play candy crush.  The only candy I crush is Butterfingers, by the bar.
  • I’d love for you to not post another picture of your baby.
  • I’m not bitter about your engagement, I’m just not interested in seeing four hundred pictures of your ring.
  • Please, tell me more about your shitty work day.
  • That screenshot conversation between you and your significant other is stupid.
  • Your political rant does not make you a politician.
  • That’s a lovely picture that you posted that you also took of yourself.
  • I like your dog, I want to take it.
  • Everyone hates Mondays, you’re not alone.
  • Yes, I did know that it is cold outside, because I am alive and wore my down jacket and froze my ass off walking to work.
  • I agree, the 90’s were awesome.
  • That throwback Thursday pic is bangin.
  • Your food looks delicious.
  • Your food looks disgusting.
  • I wish I defriended all of you a long time ago.
  • Why do I have Facebook?
  • Why do you have so many feelings that you feel the need to share via a public forum that you can never retract or delete any of these things?
  • Your life is boring.
  • My life is more boring.
  • I’ve stalked this girl I went to high school with for sixteen minutes.
  • I know you got engaged, I saw your seven hundred photos.
  • Your baby doesn’t look any different between day 14 of life and day 50.

Go forth, my sons, into the land of overexposure.


What do you love to hate about Facebook?