What Does Your Favorite Girl Scout Cookie Say About You?

Today is monumental – I’m talking like “putting a man on the moon, civil rights, and end of the prohibition” caliber monumental. Today, the Girl Scouts of America have decided to join the rest of the universe in the twenty-first century and allow their precious cookies to be sold ONLINE.

Yup. Big time stuff right here. Tagalongs will literally be able to tag along with your wherever you go, because you won’t need to ration those boxes for two months.

I’m going to put my degree in English to relevant use right now and make psychological judgments about personality types based on your cookie preference.  Choose wisely.

Please Note: I’m only doing the original flavors, because honestly, if you prefer a cookie named, “Thanks-A-Lot” over a Thin Mint, you deserved to be slapped and are probably eight years old and haven’t experienced nearly enough of what the world has to offer.

Go travel outside your hometown for like ten minutes, eat a Tagalong, and come back to me, bucko.

What does your favorite Girl Scout Cookie say about you?


Samoas: To be honest, you’re most likely pretty greedy and hard to please.  If you’re someone who wants a myriad of toppings on one cookie, you’re also probably someone who has fourteen of the same red sweater and justifies the purchase because one has smaller stripes than the others. It’s not all bad though, you’re eccentric, eclectic and see the big picture.  You’re someone who can take a bunch of random things and make something great.  You probably dress a little weird and might have people questioning if you are wearing hand-me-downs from the 70’s or just “chose to look like that.” But you’re a risk taker, where others will falter and are scared of a challenge, you’re not afraid to step up and take on something as weird as the pleasantly surprising, diabolical combination of caramel covered crackers and coconuts.

Thin Mints: You’re consistent. People know what to expect with you. and either fortunately or unfortunately, their perception won’t ever change. You will always be the party girl or the nerd, because that’s your reputation, and frankly, you always live up to it. You may be welcome at all holiday occasions, but only a select few know your true worth and value after you’ve spent some time in a freezer. (If you didn’t get that hint, thin mints taste great frozen, I’m not in any way suggesting you should freeze yourself in order for people to like you.) Oh, and you probably own a pantsuit and look forward to the occasion where you get to actually wear it.

Trefoils: You’re probably a dog or a grandparent. No one likes shortbread unless you’re over 60 or walk on four legs.

Do-Si-Dos: You know what works and you stick to it, you rarely deviate from your comfort zone.  You enjoy the simpler things in life, like peanut butter and oats, but don’t look down on people who get a little crazier. You prefer to be around others rather than being alone, which is why you prefer two cookies instead of just one, and you feed off other people’s energy.  You’re a people pleaser, and would do anything for those you love. Your wardrobe probably consists of a lot of solid colors (mostly earth tones) because you don’t usually like to stand out from the crowd, but do enjoy the spotlight from time to time.

Tagalongs: There is never a dull moment with you.  Once someone thinks they have you figured out, you go and surprise them by having your insides stuffed with peanut butter. You’re the life of the party, everyone wants you to join in on the fun.  You’re sometimes unpredictable, and that can be bad, because your friends really never know how you’re going to act, and may have to give you lectures before fancy events or parties like being on your best behavior at your best friend’s wedding.  You weren’t going to drink that much anyway, but it’s nice to know how your friends feel.

Which cookie is your favorite?  Are you going to be buying them this year? Do you think it’s a good or bad idea for them to sell online?

Girl Scouts: The Most Notorious Gang In History

gang (noun): a group of people which shares an identity and a common purpose; often know to fight against other groups with similar interests. 

Pouty Meg, front and center.

Pouty Meg, front and center. #RuthlessTroop156

Have you ever tried to say “No,” to a gaggle of five-year-old girls, all of whom are dead set on winning first place in a bake sale competition?

If you were one of the few brave souls who stood up to the corrupt tactics of using seasonal treats to transform innocent girls into tyrannical, power hungry  preteens, you probably did not live to tell the tale.

So we salute you, brave, dead soul, for your attempts to stand up to the most notorious gang in history: The Girl Scouts of America.

To the naked eye, a Girl Scout is a poster of all that is good in the universe: a volunteer at retirement centers, one who spends time picking up trash around local parks, earning badges and patches for being active in their respective communities.

But a closer look into the organization reveals cut throat sales techniques, questionable initiation rituals, and heinously manufactured uniforms.  These girls are highly trained cookie assassins, and they will attack you when you are weakest.

You may think I’m exaggerating.  But I am not.  I am a survivor of the GSoA.  I’ve lived through it, and I’m here to explain why the Girl Scouts organization just a mirage for an undercover street gang of elementary school girls.

According to this article, here is what constitutes a gang:

1.  Organized in some way, often with clear leaders and a hierarchy, and that the members gather to socialize and carry out various activities on a regular basis.

Troops leaders are the head honchos of the Girl Scouts.  These women, usually mothers related to a girl in the respective troop, will coordinate, plan, and execute meetings on a weekly basis.  Discussion topics of relevance include but are not limited to: scheming various sales strategies for seasonal supplies, decorate clothing items with symbols of segmented troop for unique identifier and easy avoidance of “friend or foe” when in the streets.

2.  The shared identity of gang members can be based on ethnicity, culture, class, religion, or another common thread which allows people to find something of interest in each other.

Girls are usually grouped together based on initial elementary friend groups, and or community based neighborhoods, or ‘hoods.’  These girls generally have common interests based on blocks where they live, classes, and school bus routes.

3.  Members may choose to identify themselves with nicknames, tattoos, specific slang, distinctive graffiti tags, or specific styles of dress. 

Daisies, Brownies, Juniors, Cadets – you see where I’m going with this – just climbing the gang ranks. If you didn’t have patches on patches sewn to your vest, you knew you didn’t try and no one respected you.  You had to have a vest so patched out, it looked like a quilt on your back.  Nothing less than perfection was accepted.


Collectively identified with distinctively unique clothing.

4.  Often, if not always require indicative hand gesture, slogan, identifying sign or graffiti during meetings and greetings.


Self explanatory.

5.  Seeks to exercise control over a particular geographic location or region, or it may simply defend its perceived interests against rivals.

Girl Scouts are constantly defending coveted neighborhood territory against rival gangs like: other girl scout troops – specifically those within the same elementary school – the dreaded boy scouts, do good church-led youth groups, and/or any extracurricular activity dedicated to the betterment of society as a whole.

6.  Infamous for being involved in activities of questionable legality.

Bragging rights for most cookies sold was essential, prudent, and imperative.  Losing was not an option.  If you had to work twelve-hour sale days, you did it.  If you had to walk eight miles in your fifth grade shoes after soccer practice, you did it.  We learned one slogan, ABC: Always Be Closing.

There were no tears, only triumphs.

Always remember, if you see something, say something.  Girl Scouts are taking over our communities one box of cookies at a time.  Do your due diligence to stop your sisters, daughters, and friends from joining.

But if you have a hook-up to some Thin Mints, Tagalongs, Do-Si-Dos, hell any of those delicious seasonal treats, email me.  Let’s talk, I’m never above an under the table transaction.