labor day

The Common White Girl’s Guide to Risk Taking

I’m a common white girl, and this is my idea of risky behavior:

  • Ordering a double shot mocha latte with whole milk and giving them my porn star name to label my cup
  • Opening my sunroof when it’s below 50 degrees
  • Wearing white afterlabor day
  • Ordering a carb-filled meal at a restaurant when I’m on a diet
  • Not brushing my hair
  • Double dipping
  • Wearing glasses without a prescription
  • Photobombing
  • Eating more than the recommended serving size
  • Sneaking past security at a concert
  • Dating an older man
  • Wearing white to a wedding
  • Sharing a cup with someone else
  • Calling my dad to ask how he is with the real intention of asking for money
  • Only rinsing my hands with water and telling my mom I used soap
  • Sending the Netflix dvds back a week late
  • Letting my gas tank get below a quarter of a tank
  • Wearing mismatching patterns… on purpose
  • Drinking beer before liquor
  • Eating the entire footlong meatball sub and demanding to still be considered a lady
  • Pretending I know about politics
  • Smoking a cigarette, or eight
  • Lying about my age26660_10151252365162559_1982910512_n
  • Lying about my weight
  • Lying about my ethnicity
  • Lying about my accent
  • Lying about everything
  • Leaving my room a mess when I know I have company coming over later
  • Taking a shower and not moisturizing after
  • Day drinking on a Wednesday
  • Leaving a bar tab open
  • Making racially insensitive jokes under my breath
  • Drinking a bottle of wine and getting all active on social media
  • Posting more than one picture a day on Instagram
  • Calling my parents and telling them I’m pregnant
  • Calling my parents and telling them I’ve been arrested
  • Calling my parents and telling them I’m getting married
  • Calling my parents and then hanging up
  • Getting drunk and texting everyone in my phone I shouldn’t be texting
  • Taking an aggressive amount of no filter duckface selfies
  • Sending a hundred snapchats to everyone I have a crush on
  • Changing my email signature at work from Office Coordinator to Tupperware Patrol
  • Wearing glasses and no makeup to work
  • Spending my lunch hour googling pictures of male celebrities in suits
  • Daydreaming about all the times P Diddy has changed his name
  • Doubling down on servings during Bagel Friday
  • Not confessing to all my sins at church
  • Swimming directly after I eat lunch