sarcasm

I’m Not Going To Tell You How To Live Your Life, But I Will Tell You How To Make It Better.

Because I am extremely qualified to do so. Just look at my life, it’s marvelous!

And like most of my advice posts, this one is going to be heavily decorated in snacks. Because I don’t care what they say about emotional eating, it works, it helps, and it’s wonderful.

Calories you eat when you’re upset don’t count. Ask all the scientists I’ve paid off, they are forced to agree with me.

While my mother says the best way to relieve stress is to exercise, I beg to differ.  I think the best way to relieve stress is to take off your pants, get a nice, big bowl of something society would consider gluttonous, and go to town. I mean really, go to town on that bitch.

I don’t want you to think my life is great. I know that my perfectly filtered instagram photos and cleverly crafted tweets make it seem like I have it all together. In reality, I’m just waiting to go home, take my pants off, and dive nose deep into a jar of crunchy peanut butter using a reeses cup as a spoon.

Because no one really likes working. If you do, you’re lying. And if you’re not lying, you’re still in college. And if you’re still in college, you’re oblivious to the reality of obtaining your “dream job.”

And now, I present to you my list of snacks for all sorts of shitty occasions:

banana

frozen bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate

Fighting With Your Best Friend/Frenemy: There’s no way to evade getting into stupid fights with your friends. If it’s one of those really bad fights where you’re like, totally done with that betch, you’re going to want to serve yourself a big heaping plate of bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate sauce.  If you’re like every other female on the planet, you’ll spend your night spitefully wishing your ex-bestie is locked in her room wearing men’s sweats stuffing her face with Pringles and Pop-Tarts. But you’re going to come out on top, because while you’re not immune to eating your feelings, you’re going to make sure you don’t look like you got pregnant with Ben and Jerry’s baby over the weekend. It’s okay, because it’s fruit.

tequila

Break-Ups: You thought he was the one. But tragedy struck and now you’re left alone. What better way what to channel the horrors of a break up than by going shot for shot with the bartender man on East Ave. The night will parallel your relationship to the point where you’ll actually be happy you’re single. For instance, it will totally start out awkward, but after a few shots you’ll feel great and become more and more comfortable with each other.  Inevitably it will end in some bad decisions, and you’ll wake up in the morning swearing you never want to do it again so you can avoid feeling like this. You’ll learn some valuable lessons though, like never drink tequila ever in life and bartenders don’t make good boyfriends.

apples

apple sandwiches with chocolate chips, peanut butter, and caramel sauce

Going Back to School: Nothing says “I’m finding myself” like abruptly quitting your job and going back to school.  In the event that you may be entering this stage of life, there’s no better snack to help suppress those feelings of inadequacy than a good old fashioned sandwich. Relive your childhood memories wondering what you’ll be when you grow up and immediately come back down to earth when you hurt your jaw by chewing on a frozen chocolate chip. Life should be easy at this point, but it’s still pretty messy and that’s where the caramel comes in. Don’t forget a napkin, you’ll need it to clean up all those broken dreams littering your floor.

birthday cake oreos

birthday cake oreos

Getting Older: Every year there is one day in particular that forces you to remember you’re not as young as you once were. Whether it be a bad hip at twenty-five or your shocking inability to figure out simple social cues when you turn thirty, you’ll feel just fine when you plow through a sleeve of birthday cake flavored oreos. Because now that you’re getting older, people are going to expect you to start sagging in places that didn’t sag when you were eighteen, may as well give them something to work with. Am I right?

sangria

sangria

Quitting Your Job/Getting Fired: There’s not really a drink that says “I’m moving on with dignity” quite like Sangria. Whether you were involuntarily terminated from your job, or you chose to leave, pour yourself a big ol’ glass of wine with fruit inside and toast to some new beginnings. The wine will represent you, just totally getting better with age, but still trying to meander your way through those sour, fermented fruit chunks we call our inability to focus on the task at hand, clouding our vision of the future.

smores

smores with reeses peanut butter cups

Negative Bank Account Balance: All the times your mom begged you to save your allowance rather than spend it on the latest version of Dream Phone are all coming back to slap you in the face because you literally have no money. Without your parents’ support to pull you out of that financial black hole, take some time to indulge in a nice s’more. Because just like money, you’ll always want more, you’re just not really sure if you want to take the time, effort, and gather the supplies necessary to achieve your results. I mean credit card debt is totally in, right?

SIDE NOTE: Yes, these are, in fact, all things that I’ve eaten at one point or another because I suck at life a lot.

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Are you an emotional eater? What do you eat when you’re having a bad day?

Tell the truth, 50% of the time.

where's my snow day?

where’s my snow day?

If you were watching the weather at all this week, you are aware of the snowstorm that almost happened in Boston.

There were forecasts, predictions, and meteorologists swearing on their grandmother Pearl’s grave that there would be a foot of snow rumbling and tumbling all over Beantown.

Naturally, I thought a snow day was in order.

There I am, all snugged up in my bed, ready for an easy peasy day of working in sweatpants, and I hear my cell phone ring.

This is a sound that no one wants to hear at six am, because it only means that a parking ban has been lifted and it is okay to drive on the roads.  And unfortunately, it means I have to go to work.

I walk outside, and there is probably two inches of snow. At most. I am not that great at math, but I know two and twelve are VERY different numbers.

Two babies is manageable, twelve babies is an infant army.  Two cookies is dessert, twelve cookies is still delicious, but also a guaranteed stomach ache.  Two drinks is a Monday, twelve drinks is a Saturday.

What I’m saying is, the weathermen were wrong.  And this is not the first time I’ve planned to be a couch potato and had to wake up and run a marathon.  They are just unreliable most of the time.

Being right about 50% of the time is something with which I am particularly familiar.  But, I am not a weatherman.  I am a mere citizen relying on such information to prepare for my day to day commute.

What would happen if weatherman made predictions in other fields?

Pregnancy: Well, congratulations!  Strong possibility for either a boy or a girl at the end of this term.  Overnight, expect minimal sleep, and constant discomfort. Conditions are perfect for mood swings, obscure cravings, and swollen feet.

Referees: The momentum of the ball is covering significant ground.  Still unsure if it will result in a field goal.  Later tonight, fans will temporarily go insane due to a botched call, but look for a return in judgement tonight after a few beers. (There’s a 100% chance that referees are already weathermen due to the fact that they never get anything right.)

Runaway Brides: We’re seeing a pretty big cold front coming in, coupled with a strong set of nerves arising from the east.  Keep your tissues and your car keys handy, there is a strong possibility that your bride will be running to a warmer climate at 4pm.  #cuffyochick

Angry Spouses: Bad news for anyone who wanted to enjoy a stress-free weekend.  Unfortunately, there is no love or happiness forecasted for the next five days.  Looks like setting up a tent in the backyard is the only way you’ll catch some sleep.

Award Shows: There are rarely any surprises in this region, so be prepared to witness the same movies winning every single category. Be sure to stick close to your remote control, as you’ll want to change the channel pretty frequently.

Cafeteria Food: Strong possibility for grilled cheese and chicken tenders.  Also a large portion of the food will be leftovers from yesterday, or last week. Minimal chance for salads, or anything remotely healthy.

… hey, maybe they’d be more accurate though?