Because I am extremely qualified to do so. Just look at my life, it’s marvelous!
And like most of my advice posts, this one is going to be heavily decorated in snacks. Because I don’t care what they say about emotional eating, it works, it helps, and it’s wonderful.
Calories you eat when you’re upset don’t count. Ask all the scientists I’ve paid off, they are forced to agree with me.
While my mother says the best way to relieve stress is to exercise, I beg to differ. I think the best way to relieve stress is to take off your pants, get a nice, big bowl of something society would consider gluttonous, and go to town. I mean really, go to town on that bitch.
I don’t want you to think my life is great. I know that my perfectly filtered instagram photos and cleverly crafted tweets make it seem like I have it all together. In reality, I’m just waiting to go home, take my pants off, and dive nose deep into a jar of crunchy peanut butter using a reeses cup as a spoon.
Because no one really likes working. If you do, you’re lying. And if you’re not lying, you’re still in college. And if you’re still in college, you’re oblivious to the reality of obtaining your “dream job.”
And now, I present to you my list of snacks for all sorts of shitty occasions:
Fighting With Your Best Friend/Frenemy: There’s no way to evade getting into stupid fights with your friends. If it’s one of those really bad fights where you’re like, totally done with that betch, you’re going to want to serve yourself a big heaping plate of bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate sauce. If you’re like every other female on the planet, you’ll spend your night spitefully wishing your ex-bestie is locked in her room wearing men’s sweats stuffing her face with Pringles and Pop-Tarts. But you’re going to come out on top, because while you’re not immune to eating your feelings, you’re going to make sure you don’t look like you got pregnant with Ben and Jerry’s baby over the weekend. It’s okay, because it’s fruit.
Break-Ups: You thought he was the one. But tragedy struck and now you’re left alone. What better way what to channel the horrors of a break up than by going shot for shot with the bartender man on East Ave. The night will parallel your relationship to the point where you’ll actually be happy you’re single. For instance, it will totally start out awkward, but after a few shots you’ll feel great and become more and more comfortable with each other. Inevitably it will end in some bad decisions, and you’ll wake up in the morning swearing you never want to do it again so you can avoid feeling like this. You’ll learn some valuable lessons though, like never drink tequila ever in life and bartenders don’t make good boyfriends.
Going Back to School: Nothing says “I’m finding myself” like abruptly quitting your job and going back to school. In the event that you may be entering this stage of life, there’s no better snack to help suppress those feelings of inadequacy than a good old fashioned sandwich. Relive your childhood memories wondering what you’ll be when you grow up and immediately come back down to earth when you hurt your jaw by chewing on a frozen chocolate chip. Life should be easy at this point, but it’s still pretty messy and that’s where the caramel comes in. Don’t forget a napkin, you’ll need it to clean up all those broken dreams littering your floor.
Getting Older: Every year there is one day in particular that forces you to remember you’re not as young as you once were. Whether it be a bad hip at twenty-five or your shocking inability to figure out simple social cues when you turn thirty, you’ll feel just fine when you plow through a sleeve of birthday cake flavored oreos. Because now that you’re getting older, people are going to expect you to start sagging in places that didn’t sag when you were eighteen, may as well give them something to work with. Am I right?
Quitting Your Job/Getting Fired: There’s not really a drink that says “I’m moving on with dignity” quite like Sangria. Whether you were involuntarily terminated from your job, or you chose to leave, pour yourself a big ol’ glass of wine with fruit inside and toast to some new beginnings. The wine will represent you, just totally getting better with age, but still trying to meander your way through those sour, fermented fruit chunks we call our inability to focus on the task at hand, clouding our vision of the future.
Negative Bank Account Balance: All the times your mom begged you to save your allowance rather than spend it on the latest version of Dream Phone are all coming back to slap you in the face because you literally have no money. Without your parents’ support to pull you out of that financial black hole, take some time to indulge in a nice s’more. Because just like money, you’ll always want more, you’re just not really sure if you want to take the time, effort, and gather the supplies necessary to achieve your results. I mean credit card debt is totally in, right?
SIDE NOTE: Yes, these are, in fact, all things that I’ve eaten at one point or another because I suck at life a lot.
14 thoughts on “I’m Not Going To Tell You How To Live Your Life, But I Will Tell You How To Make It Better.”
I love this post. My emotional eating go-to is usually something with sugar like the above treats…or french fries. French fries can make literally any situation better, especially when they are smothered in ranch dressing.
OH MY GOD FRENCH FRIES SAVE LIVES.
I love food . Period.
Cooking it. Eating it.
Chocolates any day, anywhere!
You and me both. I can’t stop eating.
“God would not have invented Photoshop if He had not wanted us to pig out.”—Abraham Lincoln
I knew that was how the saying went!
OMG too funny
I notice a certain recurrent theme in your snacks, i.e. chocolate, peanut butter and chocolate. I like that in a friend! I must admit I’d never thought of using Reese’s Cups in smores. Just when you think a recipe can’t get more decadent, Elvis puts bacon in his banana and pb sandwiches and you put pb in your s’mores! I’m dieting so I shouldn’t have read your post, but couldn’t resist and one day, far in the future, I’m going to celebrate with your s’mores. Judy
Girl, you just gotta give in sometimes! I try and keep the sweets to a minimum, but sometimes life just gets in the way and the solution is to stuff your face. Don’t quote me on that. Thanks for reading 🙂
So funny!! I literally have to plan my funeral arrangements because I wasn’t going to make it. Peanut butter and chocolate saves lives.
The magical combination! Thanks for reading 🙂
Yes. Just YES. All of it. Desperate times take desperate measures. There IS no other way to cope. Is there? Awesome post. As always. You rock.
Thank you! Food is my friend. Food is my life.