Five Things You Don’t Know About Pretty Little Liars

It’s not shocking that I walk through life on a daily basis asking questions like, “Wait, what’s going on?” and “How did that happen?”

But those questions demonstrating my ineptitude at paying attention to the finer things in life need to stop once I plop myself down on the couch to watch some prime time television.  That’s why I watch the news… sometimes. I need answers to all of life’s questions and the television is CLEARLY the only thing that will give those to me.

YOU HEARD ME. Not the internet. Not books. Not a higher education or a general interest in the world around me. The television will give me all the answers, I tell you!

Anyways, I was perusing the internet today (what else is new?) and I came across this article on Yahoo, and immediately wanted to stand up on my rolly chair screaming cats and dogs to the high heavens.

There's definitely more than five...

Click image for link to article.

Five things you don’t know about Pretty Little Liars? FIVE? JUST FIVE?

I can list off five things after one episode I don’t know, let alone the entire series.  It’s the LOST-esque television show of ABC Family, where you never really know what’s going on, but you keep watching hoping you’ll get answers.  For me, after season three when the girls were still being chased by some looney that was actually their ex-best friend who escaped from a mental institution, I somehow decided my brain was not at the mental capacity to deal with so many unanswered questions.

I can go listen to a lecture on Physics if I’m interested in being confused.

And really, where are the police? What is going on with law enforcement in these shows? I’m so perplexed I can’t even finish my wine. And that’s saying something.

Here are five things I don’t know about Pretty Little Liars:

1. How old are they?

The show is in it’s fifth season, and these girls are still in high school.  Plus, we all know how I looked when I was a teenager, and not to say I was the standard for all things grace and elegant, but I sure as hell wasn’t walking around campus in four inch heels and prom make up, nor did I have the ability to wake up early enough to pull off this hairstyle for just one day.

what is going on here?

what is going on here?

2. Where are their parents?

Seriously, I couldn’t even breathe wrong in highschool without my mom metaphorically placing a tracking device on my diaphragm. These girls are out in heels galavanting the night away chasing stalkers and murderers. Don’t get me started on sleepovers.  My mom had to call the mother, father, neighbor, and local bank teller making sure I was where I said I was at night.  One time she had a hunch my friend Megan and I were doing something sketchy, so her and Megan’s mother, unacquainted and newly in cahoots, met up, drove around my hometown under the cover of darkness and tried to find and bust-up parties to get us caught. RUTHLESS.

Do these look like two girls who would disobey parental authority?

Do these look like two girls who would disobey parental authority?

3. When do they sleep?

I need a solid eight to ten hours of snooze time a night or else I am not a pleasant person.  Ask my boyfriend; he doesn’t even call me after 9pm because he knows I’m either in bed with no pants on watching and solo-participating in Family Feud or I’m already fast asleep.  Either way he knows not to bother me. These girls don’t even get started until after 9pm. And hey, I’m a few standard deviations off from the normal twenty-five year old when it comes to sleep time, but I have to believe that these girls are just the slightest bit tired in math class after an all-night manhunt that may or may not have resulted in finding a dead body.  But hey, I guess that’s why they’re such good actors? Just putting a brave face on in the midst of adversity.



4. What is going on?

Really, this is the biggest question I have. What on God’s green earth is going on during this show? Are they safe? Are they not? When do they find out who A is? What is A? Do people always have different phones every month? Why is it always night time, fall, and raining? Do they really enjoy wearing heels when they run? Shouldn’t they be wearing running shoes in the midst of a near-death chase? I NEED ANSWERS.

5. Are dead/missing/undead teenagers in small towns not a really big deal?

Seriously. I lose a sock and make a bigger deal than this town does over a missing person. Definitely not putting Rosewood on my list of places I’d like to settle own and have a family. It would be a convenient place to go if I wanted to find creepy dolls though, they seem to have shops on shops on shops of weird Halloween-y stuff.  So actually, no, I won’t be going there. Sorry Porcelain, you ain’t my cup of tea.

Yeah, no thanks, pal!

Yeah, no thanks, pal!

What television shows do you watch that are confusing? Do you give up on them?

Things The Golden Globes Taught Me.

So… want to be friends?

Aside from the fact that Aaron Paul was straight up robbed in broad daylight by Jon Voight in the Best Supporting Actor category, the Golden Globes were entertaining, and also educational.

Here are a few things that I learned while watching:

Falling in love with a robot is not weird.

I guess it makes that whole, ‘I can’t live without my phone’ thing actually possible and acceptable.

Spike Jonze is white.

Got slapped in the face with that bit of knowledge.  Totally unexpected.

Nebraska is so forgotten that it needs its own movie.

And it’s probably all fields, highways, and a good thing to take a nap while watching.  Don’t think you’d miss much.

Chairs/tables on the floor could probably be closer together.

The venue was more crowded than an Italian wedding. I’ve never seen more of a struggle than every single winner trying to navigate through the chair and table forest just to accept the award.  Spread out, people.

People need to take a tip from the Italians and shorten the speeches.

Let’s all make a collective decision to give acceptance speeches in a different language, that way you acknowledge the essentials.  Write a letter thanking the camera man, or Pizza Guy #2 in Drive-By Scene.  I don’t need to hear a novel’s worth of gratitude.

No one actually prepared to win.

Why is this type of unpreparedness not okay in the real world?  Can we all just start showing up for tests without studying, or interviews without researching the company?

Leo DeCaps is flawless.

I’d share my double doored raft in the freezing ocean with you.  Remember that.  I am not Rose. I care. I want you to live. #JackDawsonForLife

Exit music should be required in everyday life.

Someone needs to play music when I think it’s a good idea to call my mom at 12:30am just to ask her what kind of cheese she uses on enchiladas.  It’d also be so helpful for some tune cues to show up when I’m roped into talking to my crazy aunt Nancy about her multi-colored toe socks that she knitted with wool from her personal alpaca.

Woody Allen looks like the dad from Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

The broom and ant scenes were terrifying.  Totally wanted to be shrunk and eat an oreo though, would have been the best moment of my life.

Rick Moranis

Woody Allen

If you don’t see it, you’re blind.