5 Real Reasons Tom Brady Destroyed His Cell Phone

So, just when you thought this week couldn’t get any more heartbreaking and depressing than Blake Shelton divorcing Miranda Lambert, or Taylor Swift feuding with Nicki Minaj, the world slapped me in the face with a big pile of “STOP LOOKING AT THE INTERNET AND DO YOUR JOB, MEG” with an equally depressing sports scandal.

Let me back up for a moment though.

The biggest sports decision in the history of sports decisions was when LeBron James’ decided to leave Cleveland to go to Miami and win a bunch of titles, but he failed and then decided to return to Cleveland to win a title but then he failed at that, too.

Well, if you thought that was a doozy, what happened today was, like, way bigger.

The news that is burning up the internet streets right now is that Tom Brady’s suspension was upheld and he will not be allowed to play in the first four games of the 2015 NFL season.

Basically, whoever’s job it is to figure out which celebrities smash their phones at inopportune moments to hide evidence is really good at it, because apparently, Mr. Brady is totes guilty of breaking his cellular device in favor of saving our precious eyeballs from seeing some incriminating information.

But, I think we’re all missing the point here. Whether or not Tommy Boy likes his balls a little lighter on the inside is dumb, I think there’s a bigger issue here that we’re all glancing over. And that issue is that Tom Brady doesn’t just smash a phone over deflated balls, he smashes his phone over the mountains of more important stuff kept on that device.

Now, let me clarify that these are all suppositions, I’m sure I’m at least 89% accurate with my assumptions of Tom’s personal affinities, but I do want to go on the record and say that, I’m also most likely 89% incorrect with all of what I’m about to tell you.

PREACH

PREACH

HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT TOM BRADY PROBABLY HAD ON HIS CELL PHONE THAT ULTIMATELY WARRANTED DESTRUCTION:

Man buns:
Remember this? Or this? What about this? Some would say the Tom Brady man bun was the man’s modern day Rachel. He definitely has a trove of pictures documenting that time so can can periodically reminisce about the time he grew his hair out and bothered everyone by unintentionally taking a firm stance against society’s sexist tendencies in associating ponytails and buns with only females by metaphorically screaming, “EFF YOU, WORLD, I’M TOM BRADY, I DO WHAT I WANT.

Embarrassing Google Searches:
Google is your friend, your confidant, your Jesus. If you don’t have a safe place to ask the hard hitting questions like, “Is a pea what is on the inside of a green bean?” or “How do whales sleep?” without judgment or ridicule, then nothing is sacred anymore.
 
Playlists:
If there’s anything the most All-American man in football doesn’t want authorities seeing on his phone it’s that he listened to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” on repeat during his pregame warmup on the night of the Super Bowl.
 
He has an android:
If you won four Super Bowls but you have an android phone, did you actually win four Super Bowls? The answer is no. You did not win four Super Bowls because having an android phone means you’re actually a loser. And losers don’t win Super Bowls. They just don’t.
 
Baby Animals:
Tom Brady is a superior human, he’s legitimately better than everyone at everything. He can’t let the public know that he googles pictures of baby animals on bus rides or screen shots cat memes and sends them to Gisele while he’s on the road. It would blow his whole image.

… and yes, if you couldn’t tell, I’m a Patriots fan and frankly, this whole ordeal IS OUTRAGEOUS AND I’M GOING TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM.

Plausible? Yes. Factual? Probably not. Let me know what you think was on Tommy’s phone in the comments!

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Women and the Super Bowl.

before my team didn't make it.

before my team didn’t make it.

Boys have their gambling pools.  Boxes on boxes on boxes, buying the perfect squares, making sure any of their laundry list of fantasy draft players are eligible for the big game.  And sending them personalized, heart felt emails wishing them good luck.

Okay, that last part I made up.  But it is not out of the ordinary to think that man crushes are for real, and that every one of my guy friends have them on their fantasy team.

I went to the casino this weekend for my first time.  I won thirty bucks off penny slots.  My odds are so in favor right now.  But I am also the first to admit I have no idea what in the hell any terminology involved with gambling means.

For all I know a point spread is something I can put on a sandwich, an over/under is talking about bridges, and covers are another term describing the blankets on your bed.

But people of all ages like to make wagers on the big game.  I’m all for that.  But I’m not going to show up, sit there, pay money, and pretend I know what is going on.  However, I do know that there is a way for girls to get involved without being that annoying chick at the party asking every dude in the room what a safety is and why it is two points.

Here are some things that chicks should bet on during the super bowl:

Who will win.

Whether or not you know anything about football, you should know the two teams competing for the NFL’s Best in Show. Pick one of the two teams to win, and you may or may not be right.  Bonus points if you pick the right team.  Double bonus points if pick corrently AND make it through the entire game without passing out from drinking too much wine.

Commercials that will feature any variety of baby animals.

Everyone knows the way to a consumer’s heart is with puppies, kittens, ducklings, and pygmy goats.  I don’t remember what Budweiser tastes like or if I even enjoy drinking it, but you bet your bottom dollar that I know I’m going to be buying a hundred six packs to help fund more commercials featuring puppies and horses.

Names you don’t understand how to pronounce.

There are names you can pronounce, and then there are the names of the players in the NFL.  Take bets on how many names you will say incorrectly because they are actually pronounced the way they are spelled. I’m talking to you Dont’A Hightower.

Length of the national anthem.

This is a good one.  The national anthem, depending on who sings it, can either be a painfully drawn out, boring saga of opera style vocals, or a wonderful crescendo featuring pop infused, modern flair melodies, sung by someone who is relevant and not almost in danger of being put in a nursing home.

Halftime show surprises.

Think anyone saw the Janet Jackson nipple slip coming?  Think anyone knew that Destiny’s Child would reunite last year?  You never know what it will be, but based on the halftime performer, you can pretty much guarantee that something magnificent, crazy, nostalgic, or just straight up weird will go down.  That my friend, is something you should absolutely be sure of.

Snacks people in the boxes will be eating.

Box seats are a luxury not many people can afford.  If you are one of the blessed few that not only get to watch the superbowl, but do it in an enclosed area with free booze, food, and a personal bathroom, you are bound to be an important person. That being said, when the camera does pan up to the famous people who so wonderfully took time out of their schedules to watch a football game, you better believe they’re going to be snacking on everything from lobster rolls to cookies, to popcorn.  Your job is to anticipate the snack, and make the winning bet.

Touchdown celebrations.

Aaron Hernandez used to (before he murdered people) make it rain.  Stevan Ridley channels the Kool-Aid man and kicks down a door. Gronk walked like a toy soldier.  Victor Cruz does the salsa.  The Tebow.  These are all iconic rituals performed after touchdowns are earned.  Anticipate those kinds of antics, but also be aware that a simple throwing of the football into the stands is a sneaky celebration that is always overlooked.

Weirdest statistic during the broadcast.

Is it going to be the number of games played at a temperature below 38 degrees?  Or could it be the number of players with dreadlocks on the field at a given time?  How many bloody marys you have to drink to weigh the same as a linebacker?  The NFL does this thing where they have the most absurd statistics for everything and anything that ever occurred in playoff history.  Think of something that happened to you on Saturday night, throw in a percentage and add that stat to a team – pray for it to be true.  There you go.

Team with the best bodies.

What good is watching a game you don’t care about if not for the ogling at all the man candy?  Pick a side, any side, and you will be a winner.  There are no losers when every player on the field is paid millions of dollars to be in the best shape of your life.  Treat yourself, look up some shirtless photos for reference and research.

…As always, bet responsibly and conservatively.