I’m Wearing Zombie Socks And Forgot To Wear Make Up To Work

Happy New Year’s Eve, everyone! Nothing like some good old ‘undead’ foot fashion and my irresponsible mindset of a seven year old to forget to put on makeup before I left the house this morning.

Sorry to everyone who has seen my face today.  Actually, sorry to everyone who looks at me a lot, I’m making strides towards not looking like I just woke up… all the time. #Flawless

Click the picture for a direct link!

Click the picture for a direct link!

Anyways, here’s an article I wrote for Elite Daily chronicling the seven types of girls you will most likely meet tonight at your new year’s soiree. HAVE A READ! And have a safe, happy, and healthy new year. I love you, I mean it, and I wish I could adopt all of you and pay you for your friendship in slice and bake cookies.

This year has gone above and beyond what I thought it would. Compared to how I felt around this time last year, it is like night and day. It’s crazy how life can kick you in the ass for a year and then completely turn itself around.  It may seem so trivial, but be thankful for all the bad in your life; that way you’ll truly appreciate and respect and cherish the good.

And to show you how true that statement really is, here’s a picture on New Year’s Eve last year that someone captured after asking me the question, “If you could sum up 2013 in one blurry face, what would it look like?”

2013 = fireball and ugly face.

2013 = The Year of the Ugly Fireball Face

Happy New Year!


What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?

 

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Girl Scouts: The Most Notorious Gang In History

No one is safe from the brownie vest. NO ONE.

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gang (noun): a group of people which shares an identity and a common purpose; often know to fight against other groups with similar interests. 

Pouty Meg, front and center. Pouty Meg, front and center. #RuthlessTroop156

Have you ever tried to say “No,” to a gaggle of five-year-old girls, all of whom are dead set on winning first place in a bake sale competition?

If you were one of the few brave souls who stood up to the corrupt tactics of using seasonal treats to transform innocent girls into tyrannical, power hungry  preteens, you probably did not live to tell the tale.

So we salute you, brave, dead soul, for your attempts to stand up to the most notorious gang in history: The Girl Scouts of America.

To the naked eye, a Girl Scout is a poster of all that is good in the universe: a volunteer at retirement centers, one who spends time picking up trash around local parks, earning badges…

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Food Taught Me Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Life

If you haven’t put on a few lbs during the holiday season, you’re not doing it right.

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You can learn a lot about a person by what they eat.  And no, I’m not saying you should stare at people while they’re eating, that’s rude.  Unless it’s a celebrity, then please report back because I NEED to know what Oprah eats for breakfast that makes her so powerful.

 

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This may come as a shock – or it won’t because you’ll realize that my brain works in strange ways, and this is just one of those things that makes me unique – but food has taught me everything I ever needed to know about life.

Real talk.

Sidenote: Let me start off by saying that if you looked in my cabinet where I store all my food, you’d probably think I had a child.  But alas, those are my groceries, I just eat like I’m seven.  So this is one of those times where I will make judgments…

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Remember when…

End of the year reblog marathon continues! Here’s my dad putting my mom in a bag.

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my dad put my mom in a bag?

and i wonder why i am the way i am. and i wonder why i am the way i am.

In all seriousness, my parents are the best people in the world, and capturing moments like these make me realize how awesome they are.

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You Should Know This For The Apocalypse.

[From the Archives] Bringing it back to the time I thought I was going to die alone, which by the way, was also yesterday. But who is keeping track?

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This-Is-The-End-All-2-500 My mom was really into that show Revolution when it first aired. For those who don’t know, it’s a post-apocalyptic television show that focuses on a town living life fifteen years after a global blackout.  All the sci-fi mumbo jumbo and dramatic elements are present. Alliances are formed.  Enemies are made.  Friendships are tested.  But above all, survival is essential.

The show premiered at a very convenient time in 2012.  I was living in Connecticut, and we had just survived a nine-day electricity blackout thanks to that biatch, Hurricane Sandy. Having endured more than a week without power, I pretty much adopted a Katniss Everdeen alter ego.

I fully believed I could engage and win in a survival of the fittest game if it ever came to it.

Going over a week without a shower and blindly navigating my way from the kitchen to my bedroom after my midnight snack…

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Tell the truth, 50% of the time.

I love weather and I love naps. This post is about both of those things.

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where's my snow day? where’s my snow day?

If you were watching the weather at all this week, you are aware of the snowstorm that almost happened in Boston.

There were forecasts, predictions, and meteorologists swearing on their grandmother Pearl’s grave that there would be a foot of snow rumbling and tumbling all over Beantown.

Naturally, I thought a snow day was in order.

There I am, all snugged up in my bed, ready for an easy peasy day of working in sweatpants, and I hear my cell phone ring.

This is a sound that no one wants to hear at six am, because it only means that a parking ban has been lifted and it is okay to drive on the roads.  And unfortunately, it means I have to go to work.

I walk outside, and there is probably two inches of snow. At most. I am not that great at math, but…

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The Solution to Your New Years Resolution.

#TBT and gearing up to the dreaded New Year’s Resolution. You should probably still eat carbs, but I don’t know anything about being healthy.

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I’m about to share something with all of you that may be considered offensive. But as my main man, Drake, says, “You only live once,” and if I intend on enjoying the rest of my life, changes must be made.

I can’t live stressed out from one month to the next trying to keep up with all these holiday and seasonal commitments.  I can’t wear white after Labor Day?  Drastic lifestyle changes every January? Pumpkins are only important in autumn? Candy for breakfast is only socially acceptable during Halloween?

Next thing you know, it’s March and I’m getting shifty eyeballs in my direction because of my white pants and the fact that I’m eating a king size Butterfinger before 10am.  It’s gone too far. 

America ignored Thanksgiving’s plea to have sole custody of the turkey.  We shunned Halloween and in turn, invented the theme party. So why not give the proverbial…

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I Got Promoted At Work Today And I Couldn’t Be More Excited About It

The most responsibility I have ever been given at my job unfortunately starts and stops in fifth grade when Mrs. Johnson let me be line leader from our classroom to the assembly hall.

Because in times of need, you call on the true leaders, the ones who can guide a pack of rambunctious fifth graders through a crowded hall and safely usher them to their respective seats in the auditorium. Or you just pick the girl who has been nagging you all year to lead the gaggle of sugar-high children and you know won’t stop until she gets what she wants.

I’ll let you decide which one I was. (Choose wisely).

Regardless, I took that responsibility with stride.  I knew that extra work didn’t necessarily mean extra rewards, but it was the personal understanding that I was doing something for the good of other people that made my experience worthwhile.

But today – as a twenty-five year old receptionist moonlighting (daylighting?) as a wannabe motivational lifestyle blogger, but in reality just being a receptionist with exceptional hair – today, I can say that I have been given the most responsibility that I’ve ever had in my life.

(And I’ve waited tables, so that’s saying a lot. People are assholes when it comes to dealing with food, remember that when you want to order a burger but don’t want meat, cheese, or a bun. Just make your food at home, butthead.)

Im proud to announce that I have henceforth claimed my role as the Jr. Fire Marshal at my job. Horray for me! Claps! Cheers! Lighting bolts!

I’m sure the biggest question on your minds right now is not only why you are reading this blog and not learning about dairy creamer, but what exactly does a Fire Marshal do?  And to answer your question, I honestly haven’t the slightest idea.

But, here’s what I do know about the job:

There will probably be fire. And other than grilling pizza, fire is generally a bad thing. This means I am supposed to protect and serve the people in my office. And for anyone who knows me in real life, I can’t even hold open a door for people without getting a sore arm let alone take lives into my own hands.

I’m going to be a marshal. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this might have something to do with the retailer, and maybe there are gift cards and free swag in my future. I mean a fire marshal needs to have a uniform, and Marshall’s seems like the best place to get that started.

There is a large chance that I will get to use aggressive hand signals in the event of a crisis.  And BOY am I excited. When I was fifteen freeloading off my parents every summer instead of working, my mom tried to get my friend Katie and I to work as runway directors at the local airport. She saw something in my enchanting hand gestures,and only now did I truly recognize my talents myself.

Sidenote: I didn’t end up directly plane traffic because there’s no way anyone would have landed alive. I’d just be waving reflector flags left and right for the sole purpose of making that “SWISH” noise when the fabric hits itself. 

I’m about 30% certain I am qualified for this job.  I hate small spaces, despise taking the stairs, and generally don’t like being outdoors when it’s below 40 degrees.  I’m not sure I’m up for this type of responsibility, but there’s only one way to find out.

Now excuse me, I need to go light a fire.

(Just kidding?)

fire033 - fire marshal for this department is


What’s the most responsibility you’ve ever had?

 
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Barbara Walters Is A Jackass

Last night marked the most important thing to happen in pop-culture after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Barbara Walters put on forty-seven pounds of makeup and a suit from 1986 and rattled off her annual list of the most fascinating people on the planet.

And the top honor was, you probably didn’t guess it, Amal Alamuddin, or as you probably know her, as George Clooney’s wife.

Full disclosure, you can file this post under feminism... I think?

For most of the video – that is supposed to encompass why this woman is so fascinating – you sit and watch a compilation of clips memorializing George Clooney’s slingledom, emphasizing him talking about never wanting to get married, and throwing in after the fact that Amal is really fascinating to the people of the world because, much like George, she can wear a mean suit and has really nice hair.

There is almost no mention of her skills, talents, or endeavors, other than the fact that she went to Oxford to become a humanitarian and women’s rights defense attorney, oh except for the shocking revelation that she’s also, like really, really pretty, too. 

For Barbara Walters to highlight and harp on the fact that the main and most important reason Amal is fascinating is because she got George Clooney of all people to get married again is kind of actually really ridiculous.

And I personally stray away from feminist rants, but when I heard she earned the coveted label, I figured we’d be learning much more about Amal’s drives, aspirations, and achievements rather than a recap on George Clooney’s much publicized aversion to marriage (complete with a list and segmented montage of all those women who tried to get him to settle down along the way).

It makes her “inspirational” list more of a publicity stunt and ratings magnet rather than a real, in depth look into the lives of these people that we are so fascinated with.

I mean, let’s be real, her spotlight on Taylor Swift will hardly feature the work and dedication she has to making great music, but it will most likely talk about her past relationships, how highly publicized they are, how and why she hasn’t found a boyfriend and when on God’s green earth will she find the time and the urge to settle down with someone.

Like, I enjoy talking about boys, but at some point can we just talk about how amazing certain women are without the mention on their male counterparts (or lack thereof)?  Could Barbara Walters maybe have at least tried to make a connection to George dating cocktail waitresses and models before wanting to settle down with someone who holds substantially equal intellect, values, and ideals?

COME ON, BABS, HELP ME, HELP YOU.

Because, while marrying George Clooney is great – because he’s super hot #SilverFox – this would have been the perfect platform to unveil some of the lesser to little known human rights issues around the world that both Amal and George (SO WEIRD SINCE THEY’RE MARRIED, RIGHT?) think are important. Or the women’s rights issues or cases she’s been a part of, or the numerous charitable donations and do-goodey things she does on a daily basis that just makes her an all around badass and fascinating person.

I think that’s all I have to say about that.

If you want to read more about Amal and less about George, check out the articles below, you’ll realize that she is way more than a pretty face, she actually does good stuff for the world and wants to make it a better place.

But, she just married George Clooney, and I guess that’s more important.


Amal Clooney is the most fascinating person of 2014 because of who she married, says Barbara Walters

Amal Clooney married down. She’s way more fascinating than George.

What Is This Goddess Doing With George Clooney?


What do you think of Barbara Walter’s list?

Remembering My First Love

It’s #TBT, but no one really needs another picture of me as a baby to demonstrate how irresistible I was, and that subsequently punishes my mother for not capitalizing on my natural talent as a pint-sized superstar. Instead, have a look at this post I wrote when my blog was still a baby, it’s still cute, but doesn’t have nearly as much food smeared all over its face and body.

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I’m going to be real honest and break it down for a hot second.

I’ve had my fair share of crushes that didn’t quite pan out (I’m talking to you, Leo DeCaps) the way that I wanted.  But love is a completely different story.

I’ve been there, done that, moved on, and (almost) got over it.  But then again, the first cut is the deepest, right Sheryl Crow?  You go girl, sign it from the heart! Lance Armstrong sucks! (just kidding…?)

Anyways, since I’m somewhat of a scornful human being when it comes to broken hearts, I did a little research into the whole feeling of love and what it means. And what I found what shocking.

Turns out, I’m already in love.  Who knew?  I started reading about the 7 Ways Love Transforms Your Brain, and with each progressing number it became more and more clear.

I’m…

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