Hey 2014, Thanks For All The Cramps.

Have you ever stayed in on a Friday night drinking wine and wondering what position you’d chose to pose in as a gargoyle for the rest of time?

If you have, why didn’t you call me? And if you haven’t, you clearly not only have friends, but way less time on your hands than I do.

What I realized while arbitrarily planning to cement myself in time, is that a lot of what I do revolves around me being comfortable.  Like, if I’m going to be plastered in a position for the rest of time, you best believe I will try to avoid cramping.

This is what I would look like if I was a gargoyle.

This is what I would look like if I was a gargoyle.

To prove my point, yesterday, I had my legs vertical to drain all the lactic acid out of my fat ankles while I was simultaneously trying to reach for my beer, and my roommate boyfriend captured the ultimate depiction of the laziest human being on the planet.



Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t he just help? And while that question still remains in my brain, and I will subsequently keep it for ammunition the next time he asks me to get something for him, by taking this picture of me struggling to achieve the impossible, yet really, really simple task of picking up a beer, he unknowingly captured the picture that represented the entire year of 2014.

2014 gave me cramps. 

No, I’m not talking about lady cramps, although, I’ll do almost anything to avoid those. I’ll steal a baby. Don’t tell me I won’t.

(For legal purposes, if your baby goes missing, it was not me. I still have cramps and that’s how you know I’m telling the truth)

I’m talking about metaphorical cramps. These are the things that remind us something needs to change in order to become the best possible version of yourself.  Sometimes they’re good reminders, like the soreness after a hard workout telling you that you did everything right.

But then there are the not so fun ones, like the headache after a hangover, constantly making you question whether or not you’ll drink again.

Hint: You will drink again.

2014 was mostly full of bad cramps that yielded good results, because change is not always easy; sometimes it’s hard, it sucks, and you hate it.  But that’s life, and it’s unexpected as hell.

There was that chip on your shoulder.

You know, that thing that happened a while ago that you can’t really get over.  Everyone can tell everyone else to stop holding grudges, but it’s never that easy when you’re the one who has to let go and move on.  Most times, it’s easier to stay mad at the person than confront the actual issue at hand.  I guess that’s why it’s a chip though.  Whoever it was, and whatever they did, they kind of ate away at you.

You may have been a pain in the ass.

Or maybe you had one.  Whichever it was, remember that no one likes a pain in the ass. If you have a pain in the ass you should get rid it. Immediately. The last thing you need after a hard day of work is to come home, sit down, and be constantly reminded that someone or something is still annoying the crap out of you.

Maybe you found out your Achilles heel. 

There is nothing, I mean nothing worse than figuring out what can hurt you the most.  But the good thing about finding it out, is that you can make strides towards preventing that from happening.  Surround yourself with people that will be beneficial to you in the long run, those who will support you and grow with you, rather than those who will hold you back.

You realized life is better without the headaches.

If you’re constantly on edge, stressed out, or unhappy, there’s something wrong.  Knowing what may literally be causing your headaches is one thing, but eliminating them can be an entirely different process.  I love coffee. So, so much. And when I don’t have it, I get a massive headache. Is the risk of eliminating coffee out of my life worth it? Not yet.  But if someone or something in your life is causing you way more stress than comfort, take a closer look, and maybe you’ll decide that eliminating them gives you a clearer head.

Sometimes you have to accept that cramps are part of life.

Just like lady cramps, people come and go.  There is never going to be a year where you won’t have to make sacrifices in order to improve your overall well being.  I mean, come on, taking birth control pills to prevent yourself from becoming a she-beast each month is proof enough.

But bumps in the road are par for the course.  People come in and out of our lives for different reasons at different times.  Not everyone is meant to be permanent.  That doesn’t mean the time spent with you was invaluable.  We can all learn something from someone else, we can all help each other become people that we want to be.  We just don’t all have to hold hands and walk each other to the finish line.

Because no friendship or relationship, regardless of how long or short, is insignificant.  Those people were brought into your life for a reason, and maybe they’re staying for a while, but maybe they’ve left this year.

But when you start to get a headache, become a pain in the ass, or develop a chip on your shoulder, put up your feet and get rid of the cramp right there.  It’s better to deal with problems head on than to be lazy and let them unnecessarily morph into something bigger.

And this is also where I need to take my own advice.

What are your New Year’s Resolutions? How did you make yourself better in 2014? Did you get any cramps this year? If so, which ones?

I’m Wearing Zombie Socks And Forgot To Wear Make Up To Work

Happy New Year’s Eve, everyone! Nothing like some good old ‘undead’ foot fashion and my irresponsible mindset of a seven year old to forget to put on makeup before I left the house this morning.

Sorry to everyone who has seen my face today.  Actually, sorry to everyone who looks at me a lot, I’m making strides towards not looking like I just woke up… all the time. #Flawless

Click the picture for a direct link!

Click the picture for a direct link!

Anyways, here’s an article I wrote for Elite Daily chronicling the seven types of girls you will most likely meet tonight at your new year’s soiree. HAVE A READ! And have a safe, happy, and healthy new year. I love you, I mean it, and I wish I could adopt all of you and pay you for your friendship in slice and bake cookies.

This year has gone above and beyond what I thought it would. Compared to how I felt around this time last year, it is like night and day. It’s crazy how life can kick you in the ass for a year and then completely turn itself around.  It may seem so trivial, but be thankful for all the bad in your life; that way you’ll truly appreciate and respect and cherish the good.

And to show you how true that statement really is, here’s a picture on New Year’s Eve last year that someone captured after asking me the question, “If you could sum up 2013 in one blurry face, what would it look like?”

2013 = fireball and ugly face.

2013 = The Year of the Ugly Fireball Face

Happy New Year!

What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?


The Solution to Your New Years Resolution.

I’m about to share something with all of you that may be considered offensive. But as my main man, Drake, says, “You only live once,” and if I intend on enjoying the rest of my life, changes must be made.

I can’t live stressed out from one month to the next trying to keep up with all these holiday and seasonal commitments.  I can’t wear white after Labor Day?  Drastic lifestyle changes every January? Pumpkins are only important in autumn? Candy for breakfast is only socially acceptable during Halloween?

Next thing you know, it’s March and I’m getting shifty eyeballs in my direction because of my white pants and the fact that I’m eating a king size Butterfinger before 10am.  It’s gone too far. 

America ignored Thanksgiving’s plea to have sole custody of the turkey.  We shunned Halloween and in turn, invented the theme party. So why not give the proverbial middle finger to New Years and just be better people for all twelve months, rather than two weeks of one?

I’m saying this because I know myself.  I’ve accepted the fact that I have a less than stellar motivational track record.  That is totally fine with me.  But the concept of cutting out things that make life better is complete and utter insanity.

So in 2014, I’m going to eat a lot of food.

I am talking carbs on carbs on carbs.  Oh yeah, and glutens and sugars and dairy and all that other stuff that people say is bad for you.

Although, in 2014, I hope to not rob any banks.

Although, in 2014, I hope to not rob any banks.

Because frankly, making a conscious decision to avoid bacon cheeseburgers, chocolate, and belgian waffles sounds like a full-fledged recipe for anarchy and chaos in my life.

I actually turn into a demon when I’m hungry.  I’m talking enlarged eyeballs, speaking in tongues, and foaming at the mouth.

Edit: This could just be me when I’m hungry in a grocery store and get a whiff of the rotisserie chicken. Jury is still out. Will report back later.

I understand the value of healthy eating.  My mother always harped on the rule that if nothing else, we had to eat the vegetables on the plate to be done with dinner.

That doesn’t change the fact that I am still completely incompetent when it comes to being a chef, and just because a new year has blossomed, doesn’t mean the same happened to my cooking skills.

I’m probably still not going to exercise.

You can give me all the perks in the world.  A personal trainer? Someone to make me protein shakes? Free workout classes? Sounds good – I’ll sign on the dotted line.  And once I walk out the door (because I obviously didn’t bring the right shoes to start today), I will not be back for at least two months, if not more.

And when I do show up, I’ll either be crying, angry, or just asking to use your bathroom (but I paid for it, so it’s totally allowed).

January has no business telling me to get up two hours before my alarm and voluntarily walk outside in the bitter cold just to sweat. Oh, and then promptly endure an entire day of work afterwards just so I can regret  eating an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s? No. No. And a big fat capital N-O.

Regret is something I like to tackle when I have the sun at full blast and a tan on my skin.  Everyone regrets January in general; pale people aren’t happy people.

My suggestion and solution is to take all those negative feelings and reassess them in June –  you may still regret eating that Cherry Garcia, but hey, at least it will be more enjoyable on a beach.

All my phone calls will continue to go unanswered.

This is not to say that I am ignoring people this year.  But the effort to keep in touch should not stem from the fact that it’s January 1 and you still have yet to find out your six-month-old nephew’s first name.

I will pick up your phone call if I am in a place of peace and serenity.  I will not pick up your phone call if I am in the middle of a music-induced car concert.  I am channeling Beyonce, and I will not be interrupted.

I will answer if I am in bed, on the couch, or any place where I am doing absolutely nothing, and have nothing to do in the foreseeable future.  Texts or emails are perfectly acceptable ways to keep in touch.

So if you know that at 6pm you’re on the couch, watching Dance Moms, and eating last night’s leftover Chinese food, let your old pal, Jocelyn, know about it – if she happens to be free as well, BOOM!, instant phone convo.

Mission accomplished.

There is no need to change your entire life because it’s a new year, when you should just try to be a better version of yourself all year round.

Don’t waste the money on a gym membership if you have no intention of ever going to lift a weight.  Don’t swear off carbs if you can’t eat a salad without croutons.  Don’t commit to keeping in touch if the only time you call home is from the emergency room and its because you need your insurance information.

Make an honest effort all year round, and the whole idea of a resolution isn’t so daunting.  Know your limits as a person; know what you will and won’t do and your Januarys will be a hell of a lot happier, and way less stressful.

You’re welcome.  Now, go forth, enjoy 2014.



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happy new year.

2013 was that CSI marathon on Spike.  You don’t know why it hasn’t ended, but all the sudden it’s 8pm and you still have your cereal bowl on your lap from this morning.

Many times, I sat back thinking that the days were moving painfully slow; I was all too eager to jump into the next month or season in anticipation of what was to come.

I am self-sufficient. I was always able to keep myself occupied as a child, and even into adolescence and adulthood, I never really needed people constantly around me to feel validated or connected.  But this year, I moved out of my childhood home and started a bankrupt-bound adventure in Boston, Massachusetts.

I became independent.

Independence was different in 2013 than 2012 and before.  It was nice to move out and start a new chapter in my life, but at the same time, this year was one of the most lonely years I’ve endured.  I realized everything that made me so comfortable at home was no longer within reach.

I suppose everyone goes through trials and tribulations when they begin new chapters.  In all the books I’ve read, there’s never been a character that’s had it easy throughout the entire story.  And if they did, I was probably reading Dr. Seuss.

I learned to take risks.

Moving to a new city without a job is not entirely far from the realm of things I would do.  Watching my savings dwindle down to almost nothing after a month of unemployment was something I didn’t really account for in my calculations, though.

I fell in love.

And it wasn’t the way I planned it. I guess you don’t plan those kinds of things though.  For the first time, I figured out how to let my guard down.  I had never let anyone in before; I was barricaded by this crippling fear that I would get hurt in the end.

And then I got my heart broken.

And that didn’t go like I planned it either.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault, both parties ended up in the wrong.  It was a casualty of the circumstances and situations.  It just didn’t work, and I don’t even know if it would had it been done differently.  It’s the first time where after something didn’t work out that I wasn’t bitter, angry, or spiteful.  There was just an acceptance and appreciation of what was accomplished in a short time.

I broke a heart.

And that makes you feel like shit. I’ll be honest. Starting with a clean slate isn’t easy when you have a lot of baggage to bring along to your new destination.  It makes the whole relationship thing seem like a great idea, but then again when you’re doing something that’s entirely for yourself, the other person doesn’t really factor into the equation.

I was selfish.

And not in the good way.  I jeopardized and potentially ruined a very good friendship because I never cared about the other person the way that I should have.  There are certain instances in life where in the moment, it seems like an okay idea, but in retrospect, a lot of the issues or problems that arise between friends would be avoided if both parties just stopped and looked objectively at the situation.  That takes time and effort though, and who has that?

I lived in a closet.

Kinda still do.  It’s funny how growing up I always compared my friends’ rooms to my own.  If they could see me now!  I understand the value of consolidation and have learned to only keep the necessities.  It’s nice to know that I don’t have anything from PacSun anymore, and that I really don’t miss that sweatshirt I had since high school with all the holes and history in its sleeves.

I learned that things don’t always work out the way you want.

And this was the hardest lesson. The idea of moving to a new city with all your dreams boxed up is intoxicating.  When reality is just waiting until you settle into your apartment to come out and slap you clear across the face.  All these plans concocted in my head, and virtually none of them turned out the way I wanted.  But I also wouldn’t change the way anything unfolded.

I stopped planning.

Everything started to work out when I stopped trying to orchestrate my life. At the end of the day, I can only do so much to solidify my chances of obtaining the job I want, or being accepted into the group of friends I’d like to join, and start letting things happen.  I opened myself up to being bored out of my mind and not planning a damn thing, and it all just clicked.

Appreciating the unexpected wouldn’t happen if things panned out the way your mind had mapped it from the start. Being grateful for a perfectly executed plan would never come around if everything went your way all the time.  If situations were taken as is, lessons would never be learned and people would never change.

In a lifetime, a year can be insignificant at first thought.  But there will always be those gravestone worthy moments within each twelve month period that hold the answers regarding that scar on your right knee, that tattoo on your forearm, or that reason why thought it was a good idea to wear pleather to your coworkers’ dinner party.

Whatever those moments are, cherish them.  Because you only have one shot at 2014, and you better make sure your aim is on point.