Dear Boss Lady,

I will not be making it to work today.

It’s unfortunate, because I really wanted to be there. I even went to bed extra early so I could get up rested and ready to go.  I had already picked out my outfit.  I even showered.

But the thing is, I’m worried about my safety.  I have to walk. And the thing is, when it gets really cold, my right knee does this thing where it doesn’t bend like usual, so it is just really hard to get places.  I look like a zombie in the apocalypse, and people tend to act like I’m a leper.

My left foot also has this tendency to just not move when it snows.  It’s like I’m glued to the ground.  I call it Cement Foot.  It’s pretty serious; bodybuilders have been seen trying to move me, but I am a mountain. I know, I’ve made an appointment with my doctor to get it checked out.

Sometimes, I even think my eyes intuitively know it’s not safe to look outside, so they just won’t even open.  I have no other choice but to trust my body under these circumstances.  The best option is clearly staying home, wrapped up in my blankets, in my bed: snuggled, secure, and ultimately, safe.

During this state of snow emergency, it’s also important to know that I am without the essentials.  I will be surviving for the next twenty-four hours on the most basic supply of human nourishment. I have only completely sanitary running water, a sweet potato, five frozen meals, a bag of broccoli, and a handful of Lean Cuisines.

That’s right. You heard me, I have no milk. No bottled water. No non-perishables. and I’m pretty sure I just heard a scream coming from Shaw’s; they probably have a storewide dairy and minestrone shortage.

I also have a reserve consisting of two handles of vodka, a fifth of tequila, and six bottles of wine.  I just wish I was more prepared.

Also, the zipper on my coat broke, and I’m extremely prone to catching airborne illnesses, especially ones that are particularly elusive, or non-existent. I got hypothermia one time because I looked at a frozen carrot.  So, I’m taking all the preventative measures to not only protect myself from any harmful winter sickness, but I’m also protecting the office.

Thank you so much for understanding.  I’ll make sure my timesheet is filled out properly.

No need to respond to this letter. I’m going to assume you have felt the immense pain and grave danger of my situation and only want me to be safe.  And for that, I thank you.

Please ignore this picture and all others like it.

Please ignore this picture and all others like it.

Please be advised that any pictures of me uploaded to any and all social media outlets within the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours are strictly due to an unforeseeable technological timelapse.  Those are actually from a different time it snowed.  And I don’t drink during the daytime. Or during the week.  Or ever, really.  

My best regards,


PS – If you make it into the office and want to check a few emails for me, that would be the greatest service.  If not, no problem, I guess I can do that when I get better.  ::cough, cough::

PPS – I forgot to put socks on last night before my slumber, so my toes are pretty cold.  I may be on crutches and need a few days to recover.  More on that later.

The Solution to Your New Years Resolution.

I’m about to share something with all of you that may be considered offensive. But as my main man, Drake, says, “You only live once,” and if I intend on enjoying the rest of my life, changes must be made.

I can’t live stressed out from one month to the next trying to keep up with all these holiday and seasonal commitments.  I can’t wear white after Labor Day?  Drastic lifestyle changes every January? Pumpkins are only important in autumn? Candy for breakfast is only socially acceptable during Halloween?

Next thing you know, it’s March and I’m getting shifty eyeballs in my direction because of my white pants and the fact that I’m eating a king size Butterfinger before 10am.  It’s gone too far. 

America ignored Thanksgiving’s plea to have sole custody of the turkey.  We shunned Halloween and in turn, invented the theme party. So why not give the proverbial middle finger to New Years and just be better people for all twelve months, rather than two weeks of one?

I’m saying this because I know myself.  I’ve accepted the fact that I have a less than stellar motivational track record.  That is totally fine with me.  But the concept of cutting out things that make life better is complete and utter insanity.

So in 2014, I’m going to eat a lot of food.

I am talking carbs on carbs on carbs.  Oh yeah, and glutens and sugars and dairy and all that other stuff that people say is bad for you.

Although, in 2014, I hope to not rob any banks.

Although, in 2014, I hope to not rob any banks.

Because frankly, making a conscious decision to avoid bacon cheeseburgers, chocolate, and belgian waffles sounds like a full-fledged recipe for anarchy and chaos in my life.

I actually turn into a demon when I’m hungry.  I’m talking enlarged eyeballs, speaking in tongues, and foaming at the mouth.

Edit: This could just be me when I’m hungry in a grocery store and get a whiff of the rotisserie chicken. Jury is still out. Will report back later.

I understand the value of healthy eating.  My mother always harped on the rule that if nothing else, we had to eat the vegetables on the plate to be done with dinner.

That doesn’t change the fact that I am still completely incompetent when it comes to being a chef, and just because a new year has blossomed, doesn’t mean the same happened to my cooking skills.

I’m probably still not going to exercise.

You can give me all the perks in the world.  A personal trainer? Someone to make me protein shakes? Free workout classes? Sounds good – I’ll sign on the dotted line.  And once I walk out the door (because I obviously didn’t bring the right shoes to start today), I will not be back for at least two months, if not more.

And when I do show up, I’ll either be crying, angry, or just asking to use your bathroom (but I paid for it, so it’s totally allowed).

January has no business telling me to get up two hours before my alarm and voluntarily walk outside in the bitter cold just to sweat. Oh, and then promptly endure an entire day of work afterwards just so I can regret  eating an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s? No. No. And a big fat capital N-O.

Regret is something I like to tackle when I have the sun at full blast and a tan on my skin.  Everyone regrets January in general; pale people aren’t happy people.

My suggestion and solution is to take all those negative feelings and reassess them in June –  you may still regret eating that Cherry Garcia, but hey, at least it will be more enjoyable on a beach.

All my phone calls will continue to go unanswered.

This is not to say that I am ignoring people this year.  But the effort to keep in touch should not stem from the fact that it’s January 1 and you still have yet to find out your six-month-old nephew’s first name.

I will pick up your phone call if I am in a place of peace and serenity.  I will not pick up your phone call if I am in the middle of a music-induced car concert.  I am channeling Beyonce, and I will not be interrupted.

I will answer if I am in bed, on the couch, or any place where I am doing absolutely nothing, and have nothing to do in the foreseeable future.  Texts or emails are perfectly acceptable ways to keep in touch.

So if you know that at 6pm you’re on the couch, watching Dance Moms, and eating last night’s leftover Chinese food, let your old pal, Jocelyn, know about it – if she happens to be free as well, BOOM!, instant phone convo.

Mission accomplished.

There is no need to change your entire life because it’s a new year, when you should just try to be a better version of yourself all year round.

Don’t waste the money on a gym membership if you have no intention of ever going to lift a weight.  Don’t swear off carbs if you can’t eat a salad without croutons.  Don’t commit to keeping in touch if the only time you call home is from the emergency room and its because you need your insurance information.

Make an honest effort all year round, and the whole idea of a resolution isn’t so daunting.  Know your limits as a person; know what you will and won’t do and your Januarys will be a hell of a lot happier, and way less stressful.

You’re welcome.  Now, go forth, enjoy 2014.