I’m about to share something with all of you that may be considered offensive. But as my main man, Drake, says, “You only live once,” and if I intend on enjoying the rest of my life, changes must be made.
I can’t live stressed out from one month to the next trying to keep up with all these holiday and seasonal commitments. I can’t wear white after Labor Day? Drastic lifestyle changes every January? Pumpkins are only important in autumn? Candy for breakfast is only socially acceptable during Halloween?
Next thing you know, it’s March and I’m getting shifty eyeballs in my direction because of my white pants and the fact that I’m eating a king size Butterfinger before 10am. It’s gone too far.
America ignored Thanksgiving’s plea to have sole custody of the turkey. We shunned Halloween and in turn, invented the theme party. So why not give the proverbial middle finger to New Years and just be better people for all twelve months, rather than two weeks of one?
I’m saying this because I know myself. I’ve accepted the fact that I have a less than stellar motivational track record. That is totally fine with me. But the concept of cutting out things that make life better is complete and utter insanity.
So in 2014, I’m going to eat a lot of food.
I am talking carbs on carbs on carbs. Oh yeah, and glutens and sugars and dairy and all that other stuff that people say is bad for you.
Because frankly, making a conscious decision to avoid bacon cheeseburgers, chocolate, and belgian waffles sounds like a full-fledged recipe for anarchy and chaos in my life.
I actually turn into a demon when I’m hungry. I’m talking enlarged eyeballs, speaking in tongues, and foaming at the mouth.
Edit: This could just be me when I’m hungry in a grocery store and get a whiff of the rotisserie chicken. Jury is still out. Will report back later.
I understand the value of healthy eating. My mother always harped on the rule that if nothing else, we had to eat the vegetables on the plate to be done with dinner.
That doesn’t change the fact that I am still completely incompetent when it comes to being a chef, and just because a new year has blossomed, doesn’t mean the same happened to my cooking skills.
I’m probably still not going to exercise.
You can give me all the perks in the world. A personal trainer? Someone to make me protein shakes? Free workout classes? Sounds good – I’ll sign on the dotted line. And once I walk out the door (because I obviously didn’t bring the right shoes to start today), I will not be back for at least two months, if not more.
And when I do show up, I’ll either be crying, angry, or just asking to use your bathroom (but I paid for it, so it’s totally allowed).
January has no business telling me to get up two hours before my alarm and voluntarily walk outside in the bitter cold just to sweat. Oh, and then promptly endure an entire day of work afterwards just so I can regret eating an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s? No. No. And a big fat capital N-O.
Regret is something I like to tackle when I have the sun at full blast and a tan on my skin. Everyone regrets January in general; pale people aren’t happy people.
My suggestion and solution is to take all those negative feelings and reassess them in June – you may still regret eating that Cherry Garcia, but hey, at least it will be more enjoyable on a beach.
All my phone calls will continue to go unanswered.
This is not to say that I am ignoring people this year. But the effort to keep in touch should not stem from the fact that it’s January 1 and you still have yet to find out your six-month-old nephew’s first name.
I will pick up your phone call if I am in a place of peace and serenity. I will not pick up your phone call if I am in the middle of a music-induced car concert. I am channeling Beyonce, and I will not be interrupted.
I will answer if I am in bed, on the couch, or any place where I am doing absolutely nothing, and have nothing to do in the foreseeable future. Texts or emails are perfectly acceptable ways to keep in touch.
So if you know that at 6pm you’re on the couch, watching Dance Moms, and eating last night’s leftover Chinese food, let your old pal, Jocelyn, know about it – if she happens to be free as well, BOOM!, instant phone convo.
There is no need to change your entire life because it’s a new year, when you should just try to be a better version of yourself all year round.
Don’t waste the money on a gym membership if you have no intention of ever going to lift a weight. Don’t swear off carbs if you can’t eat a salad without croutons. Don’t commit to keeping in touch if the only time you call home is from the emergency room and its because you need your insurance information.
Make an honest effort all year round, and the whole idea of a resolution isn’t so daunting. Know your limits as a person; know what you will and won’t do and your Januarys will be a hell of a lot happier, and way less stressful.
You’re welcome. Now, go forth, enjoy 2014.