Overheard at the Old Folks Home

I have old people on my mind lately, I should probably look into that.

I have to believe that getting old is essentially like reliving your youth all over again.  No one really cares how you act or what comes out of your mouth.  People just chock up all your ridiculous behavior to the fact that you’ve past your prime and you’re just angry at life not being how it use to be.

And then you get put into a home.  Which I assume is just one big party for the elders.  Unless, of course, you get saddled with a Ben Stiller-esque figure from Billy Madison, then living out your days at Shady Acres is a big, fat, jello-filled nightmare.

But with whatever hormones you have left, I’m sure Barney in room 112 can help you figure out a way to blow off some steam.

I have this vision that old people homes are just like high schools.  There has to be the popular grandmas, that just talk shit about the staff and how they don’t appropriately portion their canned veggies.  Then there are the grandpas who still have movement and can be considered the jocks with the way they work a cribbage board.

For all intents and purposes, we’re going to go with the assumption that my thoughts on old folk living is real, and for that I bring you:

Overheard At The Old Folks Home:

“Oh my God, did you see Earnest this morning?  His hearing aid looks amazing!”

“Lyle’s new wheelchair totally has the hook up, I’m going to go ask him for a ride to the cafeteria.”

“I saw a new shipment of Viagra come in today.  Whoever’s it is, I am sitting next to them at dinner.”

“The girls and I are going to hit up bingo later tonight, put on some lipstick, let’s get lucky!”

“I had a wild night last night, Vern came over and we watch four episodes of Murder, She Wrote, put the guardrails down and snuggled on my hospital bed.”

“Damnit, Beth!  I told you, we wear orthopedic shoes on Wednesday, not Doc Martins.”

“Did you see Don’s shoes?  He totally got insoles.”

“I used to not think Carl was cute, but I just got my prescription renewed, and he doesn’t have nearly as many wrinkles as I thought.”

“I love the way Otis plays cards, he’s got such a good poker face.” “Glenda, I just think his face is stuck like that.”

“I’m sorry, Gladys, I can’t play bridge tonight.  Clancy invited me over to room 222 to play Poker with him and Charles.  I think I’m going to get lucky.”

“What do you mean, I’m being coy? We just stayed up for hours talking and watching the Price Is Right!”

“Honestly, if you don’t find Ellen’s walking cane a total turn on, you must be gay.”

“I mean, we were kissing but then I told her I wanted to rest my eyes, and I woke up the next day.”

“Barbara Walters is a slut.”

“Don just pulled up in a used Plymouth Breeze, I think I’m in love.”

“Earl? Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on between us, he ditched me today to play golf.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not myself today, I haven’t had my prunes.”

“Tracy is a cheat.  She took my answer to 56 across and claimed it was HER idea.”

This is all speculation, of course.  Old people homes could be ruthless elderly penitentiaries, and I’m sitting here thinking it’s T-Birds and Pink Ladies.  I guess I won’t know for another forty years.

But you best believe I’m finding the fastest motorized scooter in that building and making the owner my manfriend.

GUEST POST: Racing Bananas Takes Over Half and Half!

Well, we are in for a special treat!  No pun intended, but kind of intended because I love snacks and she does too and that’s why I asked her to do this for me.

I like to eat, and figured everyone else does too, or else we’d all be dead, and then no one would be able to read my blogs (THE HORROR!) and my spanish teacher from tenth grade would be right in her assumption that I am not good at anything.

Anyways, enough about Senora Biatch, and more about food.  Hopefully you enjoy a little break from my nonsensical rambles, and enjoy something a little healthier for your mind and body.

Hi All! My name is Kim and I blog over at Racing Bananas, where I talk about my journey to live a healthy and active lifestyle. I stumbled upon Meg’s blog about a month ago and love it! Her posts are hilarious and witty and definitely keep me coming back wanting more! Today, Meg is letting me hijack her blog today to share with you some of my favorite go to snacks.

Kim Apple

My healthy living journey began during the Summer 2011 – I had reached my highest weight and was battling depression and self-image issues. With my dad and brother, I decided to change my eating habits and began exercising. I started doing the Atkins Diet, but soon realized that it was not sustainable for me. So paired with going to the gym and eating more healthy and in moderation, I have lost and maintained a 40 pounds over three years. It’s something that I am extremely proud of and strive to maintain. This can be pretty difficult, because I love chocolate. And ice cream. And pizza and cheeseburgers and French fries, and…well basically if it’s not good for you, I want it in my belly!

One way that I’m able to curb my “eat all the things!” mindset is by planning ahead. I’m a big snacker and need to eat every couple of hours (or I get hangry and scare my co-workers), so I usually make sure I stock the fridge and pantry with lots of healthy options that I can grab and eat during the day.

Some of my favorite combinations are:

Plain Greek Yogurt w/roasted pumpkin seeds or granola. I used to be a flavored Greek yogurt junkie until I saw how much sugar was in a container (as much as in a candy bar! Given the choice, I’ll take my sugar in chocolate form). It took a bit of getting used to, but I now really enjoy plain Greek yogurt and like to add in toasted pumpkin seeds or granola for a morning snack.

yogurt

Red Peppers and Hummus. I’m not the biggest proponent of eating raw veggies, mostly because I think they’re bland. Except for red peppers, which I love because they are tangy and red. They taste great with hummus too!

Tuna Salad in a lettuce wrap or whole wheat pita. I only recently decided I liked tuna, and now I make my own tuna salad at home by mixing canned tuna with laughing cow wedges. It’s tasty! I wrap this in a leaf of romaine lettuce and love to chow down.

tuna salad

Rice Cakes with peanut butter. I know rice cakes have a bad rap – they are literally the most boring food around. But I started slathering them with a tablespoon of peanut butter (and sometimes cinnamon and a cut up banana) and they are quite tasty. And filling!

Mashed Avocado on Toast. I love avocado everything. My go to is to half an avocado and mash it in a bowl and season with paprika and garlic powder and then put on toast. Try it. You’ll love it!

Smoothie. If I have smoothies, it’s usually in the morning because I work in an office and think my co-workers would think I was nuts if I started blending things in the middle of the day. But smoothies are a great post-work out (or anytime) snack that you can fill with fruits, protein, and fiber!

smoothie

With a bit of planning, you can have tasty snacks all day and not having to default to sugar filled granola bars (which I love #guiltypleasure) but couldn’t fill me up if they tried!

Thanks again to Meg for letting me take over today! Now I want to hear from you! What is your favorite go-to snack?

 

Apparently Beyonce Couldn’t Find Any Words That Rhyme With Elevator

In case you missed being alive yesterday, the internet almost broke when Beyonce released a remix to her song ‘Flawless,’ and she finally addressed the infamous fight between Jay-Z and Solange.

The only problem was that apparently, she couldn’t find any words that rhymed with elevator, so she just repeated it.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator

Hey, maybe I’m being a little too harsh on the Beester (is that cool, Beyonce fanatics?).  Maybe the repetitive nature of that word was for emphasis.  But just in the rare event that my assumptions about pop culture billionaires are correct, I want to remind Beyonce that there are, in fact, a bunch of words that do rhyme with elevator.

Here is the list of potentially badass alternative lyrics to her verse using words that rhyme (imaginarily copyrighted by yours truly):

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Because my sister is a straight up instigator

Everyone who is anyone  has seen that video and knows that Solange throws the first punch.  Thus, making her a straight up instigator.  Rhyme life, 101.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
I need help, please call the operator

This verse would be plausible because 911 is three numbers and when you’re in the midst of a sister-husband spat, you don’t have time to dial three numbers.  The operator is the clear choice here, with only having to press 0, then voice your safety concerns.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
They buggin’ out, I need an exterminator

Beyonce can use this clever pun about bugs and extermination to illustrate how crazy is got up in that metal box.  What do you do when S and Jay are going  crazy?  Call the only man who can extinguish their asses.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
She stole my shoes, they made of alligator

Classic sister feud here that has gone on a little too long.  Jay Z finally said something because he couldn’t stand to listen to Beyonce complain about Solange stole her alligator shoes back in the day.  Dude just trying to get them heels back for his lady.  Can’t be mad about that.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
This aint my husband, he an impersonator

On the flip side, people are really good at pretending to be people they aren’t.  Have you ever been on Sunset Boulevard? Well, me either, but you bet your bottom dollar that those celebrity impersonators are about as realistic as Kirstie Alley staying away from baked goods.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Governator

They live in California, Solange doesn’t.  Jay just wanted to air his political grievances in the privacy of the elevator.  Yet, Solange, being the Terminator aficionado that she is, couldn’t let it go.  And then, BOOM, explosion.

Just goes to show that you can have a zillion people making you look good every day, and you still can’t find the help to put together a simple rhyme scheme.  I’m content being poor and making myself look dumb, at least I don’t pay anyone.

How To Determine If You’re Actually An Old Person

Lookin' good, girlfran!

Lookin’ good, girlfran!

If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you may be an old person.

So break out those typewriters, get some chalk and a slate, and let’s talk all talk about all the differences from “when we were your age.”

We’re taking a mental tally and determining if you should be considered a senior citizen and grab yourself a discounted movie ticket!

 You may be an old person if:

  • Your idea of risky behavior is leaving the free square open in a game of bingo
  • Your bedtime is before the nightly news
  • Your concept of dinnertime coincides with the phrase “early bird special”
  • You frequently style your hair with plastic rollers
  • You prefer shoes that are comfortable rather than fashionable
  • You only look at movie times prior to noon
  • You are visually impaired
  • You drive an oversized sedan at a very low speed
  • You wear sunglasses that cover three sides of your face
  • Leftovers is your favorite meal
  • You find yourself using everyday items as a crutch to get you to and from locations
  • You often utilize office equipment (rolly chairs) as transportation devices in order to subsidize your desire to own a motorized scooter
  • The first thing you order at a diner is a bran muffin with extra raisins
  • You hate rap music
  • You substitute common curse words with child-friendly versions
  • You purchase Activia yogurt
  • Your idea of Halloween candy is a cough drop or a Werther’s butterscotch toffee
  • Prunes are a regular part of your dietary routine
  • You constantly find yourself reminiscing on times of when you were someone’s age
  • You find yourself replacing social activities with today’s crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • You are easily angered and perplexed by the internet
  • You find yourself using any excuse to take photos with a physical camera
  • You use the term “rest your eyes” instead of “taking a long ass nap”
  • Your cell phone is not smart
  • You have a coin collection that extends from the spare change in your wallet
  • You live in Florida
  • You live on a golf course
  • You have high cholesterol
  • You’re in a book club that doesn’t read books
  • You misplace everyday objects like your glasses or your pants
  • You have dentures or some sort of teeth protector
  • You opt to pay with a check and don’t understand why people are angry or confused about it
  • You find yourself outfitted in sweaters and slacks when it’s any temperature below 72
  • You yell at children to get off your lawn
  • You’re dead

Or you may just be me and be twenty-five and love wine so much that you’d rather sit at home alone and pantless on a Friday night watching Netflix than go out and be social.

What is your favorite old person stereotype?

Honest Facebook Status Updates

Because this is what people are really thinking:

  • No, I don’t want to play candy crush.  The only candy I crush is Butterfingers, by the bar.
  • I’d love for you to not post another picture of your baby.
  • I’m not bitter about your engagement, I’m just not interested in seeing four hundred pictures of your ring.
  • Please, tell me more about your shitty work day.
  • That screenshot conversation between you and your significant other is stupid.
  • Your political rant does not make you a politician.
  • That’s a lovely picture that you posted that you also took of yourself.
  • I like your dog, I want to take it.
  • Everyone hates Mondays, you’re not alone.
  • Yes, I did know that it is cold outside, because I am alive and wore my down jacket and froze my ass off walking to work.
  • I agree, the 90’s were awesome.
  • That throwback Thursday pic is bangin.
  • Your food looks delicious.
  • Your food looks disgusting.
  • I wish I defriended all of you a long time ago.
  • Why do I have Facebook?
  • Why do you have so many feelings that you feel the need to share via a public forum that you can never retract or delete any of these things?
  • Your life is boring.
  • My life is more boring.
  • I’ve stalked this girl I went to high school with for sixteen minutes.
  • I know you got engaged, I saw your seven hundred photos.
  • Your baby doesn’t look any different between day 14 of life and day 50.

Go forth, my sons, into the land of overexposure.

POST ON!

What do you love to hate about Facebook?

SkyMall Power Rankings: My Top 5 Family Friendly Products

Everyone who is anyone knows I have a serious obsession with SkyMall.

Well, lucky for me, they have a new contest out, and I could win the $500 gift card of my dreams if I vote for the best family friendly product the mile-high conglomerate has to offer.

But why, more importantly, HOW do I pick just one?  I mean this magazine is chock full of fun for everyone, I just can’t narrow it down.  It’s like when my mom asked me which birthday present I wanted to open first, and I just said, “All of them.”

Anyways, here is my list of the top 5 family friendly products:

5.  Cabana Islander

cabana

For those who can’t afford a personal private island, this is a must have second tier option.  Float in your pool, a lake, or the ocean and feel the breeze through magnificent cross ventilation due to the lack of doors.  But there’s a cooler!  Someone call Tom Hanks and tell him and Wilson to give me a credit card, because avoiding Helen Hunt for four years just got way more comfortable.

4.  Pushi Pushi Raincoat

push

If your dog isn’t wearing a raincoat, than you’re not doing enough to treat him or her like a human.  Dogs cannot, under any circumstances be left to face the elements unprotected.  It’s a little known fact that they will actually melt if water so much as touches their face.  Protect your dog, protect your life.

3.  Self-Watering Planters

plant

I can’t even remember to shower every day, how am I supposed to be responsible for the lifeline of a plant outside my door?  I am only concerned with things within a five foot radius of my person, it’s a personal bubble.  Sorry, ficus, you must water yourself.  Evolution is the key to success in life, adapt and move on, plants.

2.  Cam-O-Bunk

bunk

Sleepovers anywhere, anytime, anyplace.  Ever want to go to sleep but you’re worried about how you’re going to fit two people in such a small area?  Have no fear!  Just pop up this camo-bunk and not only will you be channelling Bear Grylls in the sheets (not dirty, get your mind out of the gutter) but you’ll be dreaming sweet vignettes of undercover covert ops, transforming your back yard into a slumbering battlezone.  Sleep on, soldier.

1.  Vinnibag

vin

I don’t know why I would even have to explain the importance of safe alcohol travel, but alas, I will.  Not only has alcohol manufacturing not evolved to adapt to the clumsiness of people like me who tend to have sweaty palms in awkward situations (that also tend to require alcohol), but bottles drop, glass breaks.  But not anymore, protect your bottle from damage with this inflatable protective bag. You can also use it for olive oil, but come on, wine is way more important than lubing up your pan for a piece of chicken.

There you have it, folks.  The definitive list of all things great in the family friendly production realm.  I’d like to thank SkyMall for its continued efforts in curating high quality, unique items for sale in the mile high skies.

I am forever entertained, and always excited to see what is in the next issue.

Stay classy, Internet.

Do you have a favorite SkyMall product?

The Friday Five: My Favorite Posts of the Week

Each week, I list off my favorite posts from all the wonderful blogs I follow.  I mean, if I love you, why shouldn’t the rest of the world?  So, without further adieu, here are the posts that really got my attention this week!

 

Friday Favorites

Friday Favorites

 

Single Girl Blogging: I Ain’t Sayin’ I’m a Gold Digger

 

Ned’s Blog: In the event of a Sharknado, find the nearest catfish noodler

This guy is hilarious.  Everyone should follow him.

Always Rebecca: Why ‘Nice Guys’ sometimes don’t get the girl

Love, love, love this.  Not that guys shouldn’t be nice, but there’s a reason why they always finish last.

Indecision May or May Not Be My Problem: Good Advice

Marriage advice exposed.  People that come to your wedding have some interesting things to say after a couple drinks.

kissmeoutofdesire: PART-TIME LOVER

Wonderful post about the difference between Friends with Benefits and an actual relationship.

BONUS: This Weekend, I Kicked Adversity Square In The Face.

Because when you struggle to open a bottle of wine, the key is perseverance, and more wine.

Who likes badges?  Everyone, that’s who!  If I featured your post this week, or in any previous weeks, feel free to grab one of these bad boys and slap in on your blog so the world can know you’ve been baked with greatness by yours truly.

xoxo, Meg

thehalfandhalfblog.com

BUTTON SWAG

What was your favorite post (by you or someone else) from this week?  Submit it in a comment and maybe I’ll feature my top five favorites next Friday!

It’s A Blog Hop! Welcome To The Inner Workings Of My Cerebral Cortex.

Because why wouldn't you listen to me? I'M HALF COW.

Because why wouldn’t you listen to me? I’M HALF COW.

It’s like a sock hop, only there’s no dancing and the internet doesn’t have a floor or a school gymnasium. So wear whatever shoes you want, and hey, spike that punch, I’M THIRSTY.

And that title was just a bomb ass excuse to use the phrase ‘cerebral cortex’ in a sentence, because frankly, I don’t really know what it is and I’ve always just jumped at the chance to make myself sound smarter than I really am.

(Read about what a blog hop really is here)

Anyways, Shane over at Virtual Napkins emailed and asked me if I wanted to participate, and I immediately said yes because I am short on friends and anyone that asks me to hang out will probably get a big, fat, resounding YES.

You can read about Shane’s process here.

I’d like to thank Shane for asking me to participate, and apologize to everyone who has to read this and realize that there really is no rhyme or reason to my thinking, and eventually come to the conclusion that I may be certifiably insane and hopelessly addicted to wine.

HERE WE GO!

What am I working on/ writing?

I’m not currently writing anything, unfortunately.  Well, anything of substance.  I freelance and contribute to various sites around the internet, but other than that, PUBLISHERS, FEEL FREE TO HOLLA AT ME.  In other words, I can be bought.

How does my work/writing differ from others in its genre?

In all honestly, I don’t think I am special.  Well, I do think I’m special, but that’s only because my mother told me I was.  But, really, I think I just have an honest and refreshing perspective on topics that have almost been beaten to the ground.  When I am passionate about something, I tend to articulate what I want to say very well.  And talking about the problems, scenarios, and triumphs of a poor girl working in a big city is my specialty.  Plus, self-deprecation and the ability to make light of the shit you did when you were younger is a huge part in not taking yourself seriously and making other people laugh.  Laughter is the universal language of fun, and when people have fun, they tend to give you things like money and slice and bake cookies.

Why do I write what I do?

I like to complain a lot – Twitter only allows 140 characters, and Facebook has too many feelings, so I just like to unload all my thoughts and pictures of when I was ugly here.  I write a lot of what goes on in my head, and try to make it as ornate and relatable as possible.  And if it’s not ornate or relatable, it’s because I’m weird. I’m not a unique person, in fact, I am pretty plain, so taking something that happened to me and being objective about it will most likely produce a relatable piece of work.  Emphasis on most likely.

How does my writing process work?

I take conversations and scenarios from my everyday life and embellish them beyond belief.  Writing from experience is a tried and true process for me.  I think of an idea and I just word vomit all over the page. When I’m done, I take five minutes, watch a couple Jimmy Fallon youtube vids, and go back and edit it to make sure it doesn’t sound like a baby alpaca just decided to spit all over the place.

Now, onto the next ones!  The following bloggers have agreed to carry the torch and let you know how they write what they do!

Grace over at Falling From Grace will be participating and you’re in for a treat.  This girl is hilarious, honest, and offers a unique take on life as a twenty-something.  Plus, she’s pretty much best friends with Queen Frostine from Candyland, and has a VIP access card to most buffets around the nation.

Jake from Routine Dreamer will also be participating and he’s just a gem.  Like maybe a rare gemstone like amethyst or quartz.  Are those even rare?  I don’t know.  But this kid has tons of insight on today’s world and it’s very refreshing.  Did I mention he uses proper grammar?  Yeah, check it out.

Do you have a writing process?

BREAKING NEWS: TODAY IS NATIONAL HOT DOG DAY

PALMED IT

PALMED IT

Hot dogs are like real dogs, they’re man’s best friend.  Or they’re like your favorite uncle that comes into town and everyone wants to hang out because it’s a special treat.  He’s part of the food family, but not immediate like chicken or ham.

He’s the mystery meat.  No one really knows how he’s related to you, but you’re so intrigued you’ll stand there with an empty beer and talk to him about absolutely nothing for an hour.

In honor of National Hot Dog Day, here’s a list of why the dog is better than the burg, and why you should drop everything right now and google map the crap out of the nearest stand:

  • There’s an obvious sexual innuendo, which is always fun, gratifying, and awkward at family gatherings with small children
  • They fit perfectly into one hand, leaving your other hand free for a choco taco or a beverage of your choosing
  • You don’t need two, but you can have more than one without being considered overindulgent
  • Uni-buns.  No top and bottoms for this guy
  • They’re mysterious, you never really know what’s in them, and you don’t want to, because then you’d never come back for more
  • They’re seasonal, yet always an option
  • They’re versatile: grill, steam, boil, or microwave
  • Great for sporting events
  • You don’t need garnish
  • Particularly great when paired with other foods like mac and cheese
  • Frank is both a strong boy’s name and a food group
  • An alternative to the traditional BBQ food
  • But not too much like the veggie burger
  • No one ever said, “Hey, you should stop eating those hot dogs”
  • Variations appear in all meals: sausages and street meat
  • Great for both lunch and dinner
  • Man’s best friend
  • Chilli dogs win wars and cure cancer
  • Condiments are a statement AND an accessory AND a reflection on your personality
  • Easy to walk and eat at the same time
  • You won’t look dumb at a sporting event
  • It’s big enough for a meal and small enough for a snack
  • You don’t have to limit yourself to one part of the animal because you never really know where it comes from
  • If you’re dangerous, go without the bun
  • Good for kids and adults alike
  • You’re never too old to eat a hot dog
  • Everyone loves dick jokes

Frankly, if you don’t enjoy a frank on a hot day, I don’t want to know you as a person.

Happy National Hot Dog Day!

Thanks to Katie (@katiebresnahan) for helping me compile this delicious list and for also seeking out and doing a dog chow down on my lunch break.

What do you think is the best thing about hot dogs?

Can Someone Please Help Me With Bathroom Etiquette?

UntitledReal talk, I have no idea how I am supposed to act in a communal bathroom.

I’m not even going to lie, I immediately go into the handicap stall if it’s free.  A more spacious experience is a better one, in my opinion.

I could be missing the bigger picture here, mostly because I am not handicapped.  I do feel guilty, but at the same time, I don’t like small spaces because I was locked in a suitcase and a bathroom when I was younger.

Do I just suck it up and sacrifice space for sanity?  Or do I go for the gold and ignore the haters hoping to all heavens that someone doesn’t wheel in with the burning need to release their bladder?

Then if you are in the bathroom and you hear people come in, you have to look at the feet, right?  You need to know who it is, and if you do know who it is, is it weird to say hello?  No one wants eye contact through the stalls, that’s awkward as hell.  Keep your head down, analyze the foot traffic and make an assessment.

Does knowing who people are by their feet make you a weirdo?  Asking for a friend. 

If you do know the person, but only a little bit, you’re not obligated to talk to them while you’re washing your hands right?  It’s like the rules of elevator etiquette apply here.  A nice, firm “hello!” and then a quick wash of the hands and be on your way.

My reasoning is because after you do establish a small talk conversation where you both mutually agree that it is either warm or cold outside and you wish that the week was over, it just becomes an awkward hang out until one of the two of you decide what safe topic to discuss next.

Do I have to make small talk in the bathroom with someone I barely know?

I get that after twenty-five years, these rules should have been clear.  But honestly, I’m navigating the sea of life, and I find myself severely off course more times than I can count.

All I do know is that you never, under any circumstances use the first stall.

Please help me.