I have old people on my mind lately, I should probably look into that.
I have to believe that getting old is essentially like reliving your youth all over again. No one really cares how you act or what comes out of your mouth. People just chock up all your ridiculous behavior to the fact that you’ve past your prime and you’re just angry at life not being how it use to be.
And then you get put into a home. Which I assume is just one big party for the elders. Unless, of course, you get saddled with a Ben Stiller-esque figure from Billy Madison, then living out your days at Shady Acres is a big, fat, jello-filled nightmare.
But with whatever hormones you have left, I’m sure Barney in room 112 can help you figure out a way to blow off some steam.
I have this vision that old people homes are just like high schools. There has to be the popular grandmas, that just talk shit about the staff and how they don’t appropriately portion their canned veggies. Then there are the grandpas who still have movement and can be considered the jocks with the way they work a cribbage board.
For all intents and purposes, we’re going to go with the assumption that my thoughts on old folk living is real, and for that I bring you:
Overheard At The Old Folks Home:
“Oh my God, did you see Earnest this morning? His hearing aid looks amazing!”
“Lyle’s new wheelchair totally has the hook up, I’m going to go ask him for a ride to the cafeteria.”
“I saw a new shipment of Viagra come in today. Whoever’s it is, I am sitting next to them at dinner.”
“The girls and I are going to hit up bingo later tonight, put on some lipstick, let’s get lucky!”
“I had a wild night last night, Vern came over and we watch four episodes of Murder, She Wrote, put the guardrails down and snuggled on my hospital bed.”
“Damnit, Beth! I told you, we wear orthopedic shoes on Wednesday, not Doc Martins.”
“Did you see Don’s shoes? He totally got insoles.”
“I used to not think Carl was cute, but I just got my prescription renewed, and he doesn’t have nearly as many wrinkles as I thought.”
“I love the way Otis plays cards, he’s got such a good poker face.” “Glenda, I just think his face is stuck like that.”
“I’m sorry, Gladys, I can’t play bridge tonight. Clancy invited me over to room 222 to play Poker with him and Charles. I think I’m going to get lucky.”
“What do you mean, I’m being coy? We just stayed up for hours talking and watching the Price Is Right!”
“Honestly, if you don’t find Ellen’s walking cane a total turn on, you must be gay.”
“I mean, we were kissing but then I told her I wanted to rest my eyes, and I woke up the next day.”
“Barbara Walters is a slut.”
“Don just pulled up in a used Plymouth Breeze, I think I’m in love.”
“Earl? Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on between us, he ditched me today to play golf.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not myself today, I haven’t had my prunes.”
“Tracy is a cheat. She took my answer to 56 across and claimed it was HER idea.”
This is all speculation, of course. Old people homes could be ruthless elderly penitentiaries, and I’m sitting here thinking it’s T-Birds and Pink Ladies. I guess I won’t know for another forty years.
But you best believe I’m finding the fastest motorized scooter in that building and making the owner my manfriend.