How To Determine If You’re Actually An Old Person

Lookin' good, girlfran!
Lookin’ good, girlfran!

If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you may be an old person.

So break out those typewriters, get some chalk and a slate, and let’s talk all talk about all the differences from “when we were your age.”

We’re taking a mental tally and determining if you should be considered a senior citizen and grab yourself a discounted movie ticket!

 You may be an old person if:

  • Your idea of risky behavior is leaving the free square open in a game of bingo
  • Your bedtime is before the nightly news
  • Your concept of dinnertime coincides with the phrase “early bird special”
  • You frequently style your hair with plastic rollers
  • You prefer shoes that are comfortable rather than fashionable
  • You only look at movie times prior to noon
  • You are visually impaired
  • You drive an oversized sedan at a very low speed
  • You wear sunglasses that cover three sides of your face
  • Leftovers is your favorite meal
  • You find yourself using everyday items as a crutch to get you to and from locations
  • You often utilize office equipment (rolly chairs) as transportation devices in order to subsidize your desire to own a motorized scooter
  • The first thing you order at a diner is a bran muffin with extra raisins
  • You hate rap music
  • You substitute common curse words with child-friendly versions
  • You purchase Activia yogurt
  • Your idea of Halloween candy is a cough drop or a Werther’s butterscotch toffee
  • Prunes are a regular part of your dietary routine
  • You constantly find yourself reminiscing on times of when you were someone’s age
  • You find yourself replacing social activities with today’s crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • You are easily angered and perplexed by the internet
  • You find yourself using any excuse to take photos with a physical camera
  • You use the term “rest your eyes” instead of “taking a long ass nap”
  • Your cell phone is not smart
  • You have a coin collection that extends from the spare change in your wallet
  • You live in Florida
  • You live on a golf course
  • You have high cholesterol
  • You’re in a book club that doesn’t read books
  • You misplace everyday objects like your glasses or your pants
  • You have dentures or some sort of teeth protector
  • You opt to pay with a check and don’t understand why people are angry or confused about it
  • You find yourself outfitted in sweaters and slacks when it’s any temperature below 72
  • You yell at children to get off your lawn
  • You’re dead

Or you may just be me and be twenty-five and love wine so much that you’d rather sit at home alone and pantless on a Friday night watching Netflix than go out and be social.


What is your favorite old person stereotype?

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13 comments

  1. Problem is not loving wine (or will not share it, egoist ;p)… To be social nowadays is very dificult. Few persons deserve to share a good bottle of wine with them. Next time, you can spend the weekend traveling abroad… Maybe Spain has the same percentage of interesting people, but good wine is much cheaper!!

      • I’ve just read that you already were in Barcelona (lovely cultural city on eastern north coast of Spain). Do you know the Romanic zone on the western side? With its strong wine? And the biggest cellar in Europe, at Jerez de la Frontera (Cadiz) with its odorous wine? Horses, motor races, good weather (almost Florida),…

        Must find funds… Or take the cheap option: friend of a pilot or aircrew (only pays taxes in flights), cheap car rental (Goldcar is usually the cheapest here in Spain), home interchanging,… Not so expensive!

  2. I’ll admit it, I qualify for some of the above. 🙂 Choosing the comfortable shoes over fashionable is not by choice, but necessity since my brain hemorrhage/stroke, but I’ll admit that my friends used to crack on my old 35mm camera and old flip phone until I finally caved and upgraded about five years ago.

    Now I’m all over the place absorbing everything I can. I’ll be 49 on Wednesday and I’m rocking my 4G Android smartphone, fancy new digital camera with 30x zoom, my new Beatz laptop with its fancy features (still working on it), and my two blogs.

    I had a good laugh though and reminds me of when I went to see seniors (when I was an EMT), their homes always smelled like mothballs. I never understood why. Love your blog! Have a great day. Eva

Talk is cheap, but I'm on a budget anyway...

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