Lists

I Don’t Think It Could Be Any More Clear That Jennifer Lopez Is A Vampire

Hi. Um, yes. I’ll have infinity amounts of whatever Jennifer Lopez is having.

jennifer-lopez-1998

These pictures are difinitive proof that vampires exist and Jennifer Lopez is a fang away from being Queen of the Latin Daywalkers.

I mean, holy damn. Does this woman age? Like ever? The progression from twenty-four to twenty-five put at least three wrinkles on my face. Meanwhile Lady Lopez is over here flaunting her pristine body for the whole world to see for twenty years NON-STOP.

If this is what forty-five looks like, I’ll sign my name on the dotted line and skip my thirties in a heartbeat. I need abs, I need a nice butt, I need that face. GIMME.

Not to mention her face hasn’t seen a wrinkle since she was born, but I mean, holy shit, give women around the world a break.  Don’t vampires have to go to sleep during the day? How is she walking among us? Where is her maker?

I NEED ANSWERS.

If you, or anyone you know, has insight or information on how I can be reborn as a latin woman, please let me know. I need these genes. The latin community is just birthing dynamos and I’m sitting here wondering what I need to do to change my face and body and life to become 3% Latina.

In honor of my monumental discovery of JLo being a vampire, here is a list of some other people that I think may be in the vamp cahoots waiting to be exposed.

Jennifer Aniston She’s timeless, she’s likeable, she’s entrancing.  All three qualities of a well bred vampire. Stay away.

Kate Beckinsale: Genetically impossible. Just like vampires.

George Clooney and Richard Gere: Both have had silver hair and the same face since 1990 and no one has questioned it. Until now.

Halle Berry: No one looks that good in a bikini for that long unless you suck people’s blood for food.

Sofia Vergara: Colombian vampires are almost as lethal as whatever JLo’s ancestry is. Just breeding ageless humans since the beginning of time.

Gabrielle Union: She has the face of a 20-year-old and could still feasibly star in Bring It On 2 without it being wierd. Kirsten Dunst, not so much.

John Stamos: Uncle Jesse. HELLO.

On the other hand, I can assure you MaCaulay Culkin is not a vampire because look at his face:

macaulay-culkin-then-and-no

Yup, definitely a human. Age on, Richie Rich!

Do you know any celebrities that might be a vampire?

 

Sweet Potato Fries Are Ruining My Relationship

If there’s one way to lose a man’s trust, it’s to be completely full of shit when you rate meals on a 1-10 scale. They take food very seriously.

I irresponsibly rated sweet potato fries an 8/10 on my first date with my boyfriend and it became a permanent stain on our relationship.  He claims he can’t trust me, that he doesn’t really know who I am or what I’m thinking.

I should have just gone with the onion rings.

What I learned from falsely embellishing the deliciousness of my side dish is that there are certain things you need to ask on the first date to make sure if this is someone you can be with long term.  I mistakenly judged the importance of food ratings and I have not been able to live it down since.

In order for you to avoid being plagued with ridicule when it comes to food for the remainder of your relationship and inevitably creating a rocky and unstable trust between you and your partner, I’ve compiled a list of questions you MUST ask on the first date to avoid irreparable damage later on.

Here are the questions you NEED to ask on a first date to determine if this is someone you can be with for a long time:

 

What kind of sports fan are you? For the most part, this question applies to the male species, but I’ll include those diehard females who rep it hard in the sports department. Knowing what kind of sports fan your partner is will be crucial for the rest of your relationship. Most men like a sport for each of the seasons, so you’re going to need to know if he’s going to lock you out of your apartment or rip a couch cushion if Dwyane Wade doesn’t hit 3 points or that guy in the NFL doesn’t get 1824396 carries and 2734061 yards in a random game that doesn’t really matter (It totally matters though, somehow).

What is your position on Christmas music? If you are one of those girls who starts playing Christmas music on December 26th to prepare for the next holiday season, you’re going to need to let your partner know that ahead of time.  Even if you’re a semi-normal human being who starts playing tasteful holiday tunes after Thanksgiving, you should respect the other person’s ears enough to let them know they should invest in earplugs for the next month and a half.

What do you rate Jennifer Aniston on a scale of 1-10?  This question can be tweaked based on the celebrity of your choosing, but Jenny Anz is a pretty well known celebrity that both men and women like. Once you’ve asked the question and both given answers, if your number differentiate by more than 2 points on a 1-10 scale, you may be in disagreement with what the 1-10 scale is.  This is not okay and will set a precedent for the future of rating questions.  You must find an agreeable medium and set forth a list of qualifications pertaining to each number on the scale. This is the only way you will be able to take each other’s opinions seriously when you ask questions like, “On a scale of 1-10 how good are these sweet potato fries?”

Are you able to commit to tacky/trendy/seasonal activities knowing full well it will interrupt your weekend/sports/day off plans? This applies mainly to women, but maybe some instances men will get the seasonal feels and want to go skate on a pond or chop down a tree for good measure.  If you’re not ready to commit to losing a couple hours on a Sunday to grab some apples off a tree or carve a smiley face on an orange gourd, you should just throw in the towel right now.

What are your thoughts on animals? Listen, I get it, some people don’t like animals. Whether it be an allergy, a bad experience, or just not being human, you need to find out if your lifelong dream of owning a farm of Great Danes is never going to come to fruition because you’re getting involved with the future bane of your existence.

Which side of the bed do you sleep on? There is nothing worse than having your first adult sleepover and both jumping in on the left side. Not only will it create an awkward rift when you lose because your boyfriend outweighs you by 100 lbs, it will most likely not work because sleeping is real life and you need that more than you need love. #HarshReality

Obviously, I encourage you to ask those awkward questions about wanting a family, politics, and religion, but if you want to get to the stuff that actually matters, take my advice.

Or don’t. I steered my boyfriend wrong when I rated the sweet potato fries, so I could be making things up entirely out of thin air.

What are the important questions you ask on a first date?

I’m Thankful For The Facebook Timeline Feature Because Now I Can Relive My Glory Days With The Click Of A Button.

Everyone!  Let’s give a round of applause for technology and the permanent trail of embarrassment that is the internet!

Just when you think you’ve escaped the metaphorical black hole that was your life in middle and high school, Facebook is here with the Timeline Activity feature that allows you to click a year and see just what you wrote during that specific time period.  Let’s bring back those cringeworthy flirt posts, relive that awkward drunk message you wrote to that kid you don’t even know, and by all means, take a loosky at that time you thought it was a good idea to wear plaid pants and high top sneakers.

I like to put my life on display.  Mostly because I think that if I admit to myself and the world how much of an embarassment to society I was between the ages of my entire life 12-22, maybe I can help others not make the same mistakes.

So, today I am thankful for Facebook.  I am so excited that I get a permanent reminder of how much of a jackass I was when I was sixteen and constantly get to see my blatant disregard for proper capitalization and grammar.  I guess hindsight is twenty/twenty.

Here are some highlights from my Facebook past:

0

Zo zerious, in fact, that I couldn’t even use an ‘S’

1

Halfway convinced that my mother actually wrote this status instead of me.  But then I remember that she can barely work Microsoft Word in 2014, so there’s no way she could have hacked into my Facebook account back in 2006.

2

I never got a humpback whale. WHERE IS MY HUMPBACK WHALE.

3

#FutureEnglishMajor #FutureTeacher

4

Well, there you have it folks, you can finally tell people you know someone who has risen from the dead. I’m pretty sure it sucked when I was dead, but I can assure you, being alive is way more fun.

5

So, I’m not half asian. Not even in the slightest bit. So I don’t think I can regret it, but clearly it was something I felt strongly about this night.

6

Honestly, this is a personal problem and I’m getting it checked out.  I didn’t realize I was so willy nilly about exposing personal struggles via such a public forum, but I guess a lot was going on in life in 2008.

7

Like I said, clearly a lot was going on in my life where I wasn’t concerned about being implicated for the murder of my professor.  Like how shitty of a criminal am I?

Sidenote: I didn’t actually murder my professor, but he’s definitely not here to talk about it anymore.

8

This is a brilliant idea and I don’t know why I haven’t rethought of this.  Probably because I came to the conclusion that bathtubs are generally riddled with the remnants of dirty people, therefor, I realized I was washing my clothes in liquid human filth. #graphic #visuals

9

This is what I was concerned about when I studied abroad.  This is also why I gained twenty-five pounds before I came back.

10

Valid. They were. And I legit never got them back.

Hey! Let’s be social and make bad decisions together, follow me on Facebook, and I’ll do the same for you.  LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

***

Have you ever posted anything on the internet you later regretted?  What’s your best/most embarrassing post?

Countdown to Thanksgiving: A Tribute To America’s Greatest Holiday

Every year on Thanksgiving I promise myself that I will limit my food intake like a civilized human being who practices restraint and self control, and then every year after dinner on Thanksgiving I immediately unbutton my pants and say the words, “Diet tomorrow.”

It could be that I’m just so thankful for food.  But it also could be that I am a gluttonous human being and make a point to eat everything in sight like it’s the last time food will ever enter my body.  I honestly don’t even like cranberry sauce, but the idea of something disappearing without me ever getting a chance to enjoy it is enticing enough every year to make me slap it on my plate and immediately regret it.

Meanwhile, my father sits at the head of table practically bathing in cranberry sauce while wishing he had a third arm to help put all the food into his mouth before he passes out on the couch ten minutes after the meal is over. #FoodComa

But the nature of the holiday at some costs seems to be lost.  While there is an emphasis on spending the time with your loved ones and eating a crap ton of food until you have to put your fat jeans on from college, the purpose of the holiday itself is to be thankful for all we have.  But why do we do that just one day of the year?

In my opinion, holidays are just reminders that we’re all shitty people who are self-involved to the point that we need an actual DAY OFF from our lives to remember that we should be thankful for what we have. When did our society become selfish enough to not appreciate the gifts, the people, and the good in our lives on a daily basis?

If you are one of those superhumans who are innately good and caring and wonderful, I salute you, you’re doing the work of a modern-day saint.  But for the rest of us millennials, we’re all too busy slaving away from 9-5 trying to make enough money to afford our apartments, maintain active social lives, and keep up an appearance that we’re actually adults.

I’ve also been in this weird funk lately where I hate any and everyone, so I’m going to use this mini blog series as a way to combat the innerdemons of an overly privileged white girl from Connecticut.

For the next week, in preparation for Thanksgiving, I will be listing off things I am thankful for; because we should be thankful for things that bless us every day, regardless of how big or small they are.  I cannot promise they will be serious. But I can promise food and wine will be mentioned.

Today, I’m thankful for pajamas.

Much like everyone else who works 9-5 or just a job in general, you have to get dressed in the morning.  And while all of us would like a job that you can wear sweatpants all day, the number of openings for gym teachers are limited because the United States doesn’t seem to think exercise is a necessity for children.

I wake up every day and put my pants on one leg at a time.  And really, I mean that because I actually need to concentrate on just getting that one leg in there and plant it for support so I don’t fall over.  But there is no better feeling than watching the minutes tick down on your work clock so you can remove all the constrictive attire you’re forced to wear all day, envisioning that pair of pajamas blissfully sitting folded and tucked away in your closet or dresser, awaiting your arrival.

And for reals, big boobs or small boobs, all women know what a nuisance it is to have those puppies strapped to your person like a gun holster.  The countdown to bra removal is so real I am doing it right now.  I’m sure men can related to this on some level, but then again, no they can’t because they don’t have boobs.

I salute you, pajamas, for giving my body an outlet free from judgment.  Because no one can really judge attractiveness when it comes to sleepwear.  Personally, I like to greet my bed wearing a XXL Bruce Springsteen tshirt and a pair of my brother’s sweatpants. My roommates take a more adult approach and wear clothing that fits. They’re like all put together and stuff though.

I am thankful that pajamas are my go to outfit from Friday to Sunday and it’s not frowned upon in the slightest if I don’t change out of them and stay horizontal for 36 hours straight.  Sure, showering is like totally encouraged, but if you don’t know one really knows. Shhhhh.

Whatever your night time outfit is, make sure you give it a high five tonight.  Make sure you hug that ratty tshirt you’ve been wearing for six years a little tighter.  Say thanks to the clothes that give you through the strength to get through the workday as well as through the night.

<3

❤

What are you thankful for today?

I Got My Hands On SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog And I’ve Decided It’s The New Bible

You know, if the bible was a airplane magazine that sold you everything you never knew you needed ever in your lifetime.

Listen, we all just want to get through each day without tripping off a sidewalk, spilling food on ourselves, and trying not to relate every conversation back to your obsession with 19 Kids and Counting.

And while I’m masking my inadequacies surrounding social interactions with interjections about my affinity for TLC’s reality television programs, other people are actually just trying to get through the day alive. Especially if you hate your job.  Which, according to almost everyone I’ve talking to – aside from Beyonce who gets to take a year of to just go and “try to get pregnant” with Jay-Z for the next year – everyone pretty much hates their job.

Sorry, I need to go back to that for a moment. Yes, Beyonce is taking a year off from making mazillions (real number, google it) (please don’t) of dollars so that her and Jay-Z can go live in Paris to have secret sex and try and make a second baby. Celebrities have it so tough.

Anyways, while the rest of the population is metaphorically stabbing their eyeballs out while sitting in a cube all day being slaves in corporate purgatory, there are two things that seem to brighten the long days spent inside staring at a computer screen and spinning in your rolly chair.

One of those things is alcohol. The other one of those things, is SkyMall.

I’ve written numerous posts about my obsession with SkyMall, but recently, a coworker let me twiddle my fingers through the pages of their much sought after holiday catalog and I was immediately filled with so much glee I almost spontaneously broke into a solo flash mob in my office. #JaneLynch

Within these pages, there are tons and tons of new items, products, toys, and games that I need in my life.  Obviously, you should all visit their website and buy a shit ton of stuff because it will enrich both your social and love life, but also because SkyMall has all the things you need to make your life a mazillion times better than it is right now.

My Top 5 Must-Haves From SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog

OrbitWheels

OrbitWheels

1. OrbitWheels

People are always pointing out how lazy I am when it comes to doing any sort of physical activity. Mainly because my idea of a workout is getting up to refill my third bowl of Frosted Flakes, but that’s not the point.  These bad boys would allow me to glide all over the world like a certified exercising BOSS.  Not only is Boston not very hilly, the sidewalks are pretty ruthless and cutthroat, which is why these feet wheels would be the ultimate weapon of power when commuting to work. MOVE OVER, LADY.

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

2. Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

As I previously mentioned in one of my most sophisticated posts to date, my boyfriend and I are moving in together.  I’m assuming there will be arguments, mostly because we fight over things like who has more cheese on their burrito or who can get to the fridge faster in order to eat the last Trader Joe’s cupcake.  In order to be the ultimate wit warrior, I’m going to need another woman on my side. And while adding a second, human, lady roommate to our one-bedroom apartment could cause a serious rift, I see no issue with a lady lamp. What I see here is a built in companion ready to defend my idiosyncrasies and ridiculous/crazy/borderline obsessive tendencies to her dumpster grave.

Fyxation Caddy

Fyxation Caddy

3. Fyxation Caddy

I actually don’t even own a bike, but if I can just attach this to my stationary cycle while I’m at spin class, that 45 minutes would go by a hell of a lot faster. I totally wish I would have had this in college, as it would have made my entrance into parties much more exciting for everyone in attendance.  Then I wouldn’t be that weird girl in the corner that no one really knows how she got there. I’d just be that weird girl with her bike beers trying to get everyone drunk enough to forget I actually am the weird girl in the corner, and I see no issue with that.

image2

Hovertrax

4. Hovertrax

And this may be the best thing the world never knew it needed. The best part about the airport, aside from it being socially acceptable to be drunk at all hours, is that there are people movers. You don’t have to walk and yet you still move.  Well Hovertrax is coming in hot with mobility without movement.  Hungover? Hovertrax home. Hard gym workout? Hovertrax it back. The possibilities are endless.

image1

Customized Shark Boat

5. Seabreacher Customized Boat

I don’t even know what realm of the universe you’re living on if I have to explain to you the urgency of ownership revolving around this customized sharkboat.  Sure it’s almost $100,000, and I’ll probably have to do some aggressive begging and maybe street walking in order to get it, but hey, you just can’t put a price tag on happiness.  At least that’s what I keep telling my boyfriend when I talk about how affordable Michael Kors watches are during Christmas time. (So affordable, right!?)

What do you have on your holiday lists? Have you started shopping yet?

Life Is Too Short Not To Risk Your Life For Instagram

Pics or it didn’t happen. Am I right?

Yesterday I went on what I thought was going to be a leisurely Sunday hike and what actually turned out to be a near death experience at the expense of getting mad likes on my instagram account.

https://instagram.com/p/vMSGiBugoD

Hey Leo DiCaprio, I’m still available.  Call me. #TitanicPose

Anyways, in an effort to celebrate my stupidity in exchange for some social media gratification, I’ve compiled a list of things that you should just do because life is just too goddamn short.

Life is too short, so:

  • don’t hold grudges
  • don’t count five seconds in order to eat things off the floor
  • don’t wait for the crosswalk signal. just go. seriously.
  • don’t be unhappy
  • try not to develop allergies to food – come on bodies, ADAPT ALREADY
  • wear shoes that are comfortable
  • eat an entire box of cereal in one sitting
  • try all flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream
  • care about what other people think
  • don’t care about what other people think
  • be stupid
  • don’t be stupid
  • don’t grow up… like all the way
  • enjoy the finer things in life
  • pretend you’re still underage at the movie theaters in order to get discount movie tickets
  • pretend you’re of age at the liquor store in order to get alcohol
  • don’t skimp on ambition when it comes to your career
  • don’t settle
  • try and get through the express checkout lane with more than 15 items
  • drink lots of wine
  • eat lots of oreos
  • figure out what makes you happy
  • get hurt a bunch of times (preferably metaphorically, but maybe physically)
  • fall in love
  • then curse it when it slaps you in the face
  • learn lessons and make mistakes
  • spend all your money
  • live on your own
  • and when you do live on your own, eat like you’re seven again because it’s all you can afford
  • listen to bad music
  • find things you like about yourself
  • change the things you don’t (preferably metaphorically, but maybe physically)
  • don’t drive like a jackass
  • use your turn signals
  • say thank you and please and hello and goodbye
  • be nice
  • make a bucket list
  • wear sunscreen
  • eat healthy
  • but always leave room for dessert
  • do what you want
  • but not at the expense of other people
  • stay hungry (preferably metaphorically, but obviously physically)
  • stay healthy
  • treat people the way you want to be treated
  • do things you don’t want to do
  • remember everything
  • leave a legacy

***

 Have you ever made a bucket list? How far did you get on it?

Watch Your Step, Mind The Gap, and Please, Just Don’t Look Down.

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Not that high up. But like… 2,000 feet high up.

If you do look down, just periodically look up. It sucks a lot when you accidentally walk into a mailbox, a tree, or fall off a sidewalk because you weren’t paying attention.

Unless you were trying to deliver the mail and missed.  But then I guess you’re just bad at your job and should probably think of a new career path.  Maybe bowling?

There are a lot of instances in life where you get to the top and look back at what you had to overcome to get there.  For me, looking at the thirteen stairs I had to surmount to make it to the second level of my house is a feat in itself and I do the Rocky jump every time I reach the top.

But aside from being overjoyed at accomplishing something elementary like walking up a flight of stairs, the initial shock after reaching a goal and realizing what it took to get you there is always humbling.  But it can also be terrifying.  Because there’s no where to go but down, right?

Is that cynical? I’m in a mood. It’s Thursday. WHERE ARE YOU, WEEKEND?

In the event that you’re unsure of what I’m talking about, here are some things in which you should never, under any circumstances, look down:

Heights: This is a no brainer, but anyone who says they love standing on top of really tall things and staring at their impending death upon falling is a certified jackass.  Aint nobody got time to stand up in the clouds without the proper harness contraption and feel safe, sane, and sturdy. I like the ground.  I like the ground a lot.

Other People: For real, you should never look down on other people.  You have no idea what kind of struggles they are going through, and making rash judgments about character or worth is not going to win you any sort of awards by stereotypically figuring them out.  Maybe you should take a cue from the book of humanity and actually get to know someone before you decide if they suck at life or not.

Other People: This is in more of a literal sense, because sometimes people are shorter than you.  And sometimes they get offended when you point that out.  Especially pay attention to this, ladies, if you’re out on a date with a short man, and you don’t think he knows he’s short, please refrain from making a comment. I can assure you he stares in the mirror every day praying to Height Jesus to bless him with some extra inches in the vertical department. I’m lucky to be short though, I’m always looking up.  I have seen my fair share of nostrils though,and those aren’t pretty. Clean it up, people!

The Ring Of Fire: Johnny Cash went down there and I don’t think he came back.  Mostly because he’s dead and stuff. So if you want to be daed and stuff with Johnny Cash, be my guest. Could be worse people to be dead with. ::cough, cough. Kristen Stewart::

Driving: Unless you want to add murder to your criminal record.  Keep your eyes on the road.  Especially you, person driving 45 in the fast lane, you’re definitely not paying attention. I can tell because I just drove up next to you to give you the middle finger and I saw your head staring down at your cell phone.

Cartons of Ice Cream: It’s never a good idea to look down at a carton of ice cream, because then you know just how much you’ve blindly eaten wile watching those eight episodes of 19 Kids and Counting.  Just keep the lid close and plop that sucker right on there so you don’t have to see the pit of despair you’ve created in that Cherry Garcia.

Wine: This should be a no brainer, because if you don’t look down, you don’t know how much you’ve drank. There’s always room for more wine, unless you run out. Actually, I take this one back. You should always monitor the wine. When the wine runs out, there’s chaos about. <– copyright that for me. PLEASE.

Shoes: This only applies if you have velcro straps or slip ons, because frankly it would be stupid of you to look down in that case.  What the hell do you plan on checking? If you still have feet?  If you have laces like normal humans above the age of six, please, check away.

Cell Phone While Walking: If you do this, you’re a jackass (aka I’m a jackass).  Not only are you saying that all other humans using the public walkways are completely and totally not important, you run the extreme risk of falling into a manhole, walking into a telephone pole, or bumping into another person that probably had a bad day and will throw a drink at you for making it worse.  Think about it. Pockets are your friends.

***

Do you look down at anything? Are you one of those people who walks and texts at the same time? Do you like sweet potato fries or regular fries better?

Five Things You Don’t Know About Pretty Little Liars

It’s not shocking that I walk through life on a daily basis asking questions like, “Wait, what’s going on?” and “How did that happen?”

But those questions demonstrating my ineptitude at paying attention to the finer things in life need to stop once I plop myself down on the couch to watch some prime time television.  That’s why I watch the news… sometimes. I need answers to all of life’s questions and the television is CLEARLY the only thing that will give those to me.

YOU HEARD ME. Not the internet. Not books. Not a higher education or a general interest in the world around me. The television will give me all the answers, I tell you!

Anyways, I was perusing the internet today (what else is new?) and I came across this article on Yahoo, and immediately wanted to stand up on my rolly chair screaming cats and dogs to the high heavens.

There's definitely more than five...

Click image for link to article.

Five things you don’t know about Pretty Little Liars? FIVE? JUST FIVE?

I can list off five things after one episode I don’t know, let alone the entire series.  It’s the LOST-esque television show of ABC Family, where you never really know what’s going on, but you keep watching hoping you’ll get answers.  For me, after season three when the girls were still being chased by some looney that was actually their ex-best friend who escaped from a mental institution, I somehow decided my brain was not at the mental capacity to deal with so many unanswered questions.

I can go listen to a lecture on Physics if I’m interested in being confused.

And really, where are the police? What is going on with law enforcement in these shows? I’m so perplexed I can’t even finish my wine. And that’s saying something.

Here are five things I don’t know about Pretty Little Liars:

1. How old are they?

The show is in it’s fifth season, and these girls are still in high school.  Plus, we all know how I looked when I was a teenager, and not to say I was the standard for all things grace and elegant, but I sure as hell wasn’t walking around campus in four inch heels and prom make up, nor did I have the ability to wake up early enough to pull off this hairstyle for just one day.

what is going on here?

what is going on here?

2. Where are their parents?

Seriously, I couldn’t even breathe wrong in highschool without my mom metaphorically placing a tracking device on my diaphragm. These girls are out in heels galavanting the night away chasing stalkers and murderers. Don’t get me started on sleepovers.  My mom had to call the mother, father, neighbor, and local bank teller making sure I was where I said I was at night.  One time she had a hunch my friend Megan and I were doing something sketchy, so her and Megan’s mother, unacquainted and newly in cahoots, met up, drove around my hometown under the cover of darkness and tried to find and bust-up parties to get us caught. RUTHLESS.

Do these look like two girls who would disobey parental authority?

Do these look like two girls who would disobey parental authority?

3. When do they sleep?

I need a solid eight to ten hours of snooze time a night or else I am not a pleasant person.  Ask my boyfriend; he doesn’t even call me after 9pm because he knows I’m either in bed with no pants on watching and solo-participating in Family Feud or I’m already fast asleep.  Either way he knows not to bother me. These girls don’t even get started until after 9pm. And hey, I’m a few standard deviations off from the normal twenty-five year old when it comes to sleep time, but I have to believe that these girls are just the slightest bit tired in math class after an all-night manhunt that may or may not have resulted in finding a dead body.  But hey, I guess that’s why they’re such good actors? Just putting a brave face on in the midst of adversity.

WE'RE GONNA PLAY, STEVE!

WE’RE GONNA PLAY, STEVE!

4. What is going on?

Really, this is the biggest question I have. What on God’s green earth is going on during this show? Are they safe? Are they not? When do they find out who A is? What is A? Do people always have different phones every month? Why is it always night time, fall, and raining? Do they really enjoy wearing heels when they run? Shouldn’t they be wearing running shoes in the midst of a near-death chase? I NEED ANSWERS.

5. Are dead/missing/undead teenagers in small towns not a really big deal?

Seriously. I lose a sock and make a bigger deal than this town does over a missing person. Definitely not putting Rosewood on my list of places I’d like to settle own and have a family. It would be a convenient place to go if I wanted to find creepy dolls though, they seem to have shops on shops on shops of weird Halloween-y stuff.  So actually, no, I won’t be going there. Sorry Porcelain, you ain’t my cup of tea.

Yeah, no thanks, pal!

Yeah, no thanks, pal!

What television shows do you watch that are confusing? Do you give up on them?

I’m Always Late To The Party.

Or maybe I just wasn’t ever invited? I’m not sure, but whatever it is, I don’t belong.

I’ve showed up at my fair share of parties without being invited. But the good thing about being the weird girl in the corner is that everyone always expects you to be the weird girl in the corner. If you see an empty corner, people are like, hey where’s that weird girl who normally stands there?

Yeah, I like corners, so what! Sue me. No, don’t. I’m not in a financially stable point in my life to accept lawsuits at the moment, so wait for me to win the lottery or become famous off a viral video of me eating peas at the kids table during Thanksgiving.

Does that even happen?

I think what I’m trying to say here is that I’m not really ever at the forefront of anything cool. I’m kind of a follower, which I know is super hard to believe judging by all my amazingly attractive #tbt instagram pictures. I had no clue that glasses without prescriptions are actually a thing people wanted to have.  I didn’t even know what a gluten was until suddenly people aren’t supposed to be eating it. And I still have no idea why Beyonce is ‘everything’ but we’ll discuss that in a little bit.

Here Is The List of Things I Just Don’t Understand

Heels: Maybe I have terrible arches and a penchant for faceplanting, but I just have no idea where heels rank on the fun scale. For me, it’s about negative seven-hundred.  Do I wish I was taller sometimes? Yes. But I also wish I had even boobs and the same sized eyeballs, but we can’t always get what we want.  If wearing certain shoes is something you have to “train your feet to enjoy,” then I want no part of it. I’ll be sitting over here, comfy as hell, wearing orthopedic fashion like it aint no thang.

Eating Clean: My idea of clean eating is using napkins when I’m stuffing my face full of cookies. If I didn’t spill on myself, I consider it a victory.  I don’t have time to learn what all those hard-to-pronounce words mean on the labels. I sure as hell don’t have time to actually grow my own stuff and be organic.  Ignorance is bliss, in my opinion. And I’m totally fine not knowing what is actually in a hot dog, because they taste amazing and I don’t want to be privy to that type of information.

Make Up: Do I always like my face? No. Sometimes I think it does weird things and when I see pictures of myself I wish I didn’t exist. But adding another step towards making myself look presentable seems like it’s going to end up doing more harm than good. Plus, it’s going to all eventually come off anyways, and there’s nothing worse than someone seeing what you actually look like and running the other direction. Gotta walk around this world with your God-given face, and say “Fuck You.” to all the haters. Or something nicer like, “Hey please stop staring at my small left eye, that’s rude.”

Beyonce: Apparently, Beyonce is “everything,” and girls “literally die” for her. If Beyonce is causing women’s hearts around the world to legitimately stop beating, shouldn’t the FBI be taking a closer look at this? It seems like an epidemic in my opinion. And one that needs to be investigated. Oj Simpson already got away with murder, we can’t have another celebrity falling through the cracks.

Whole Foods: I went inside a whole foods one time and I got so overwhelmed I almost started crying. The floor was practically paved with granola and the cash registers were made out of recycled tree trunks. I had no idea where to even begin, so I just left. Not to mention that the vegan soccer mom army was monopolizing the check-out line, so I didn’t have a shot in hell at making it out alive without buying something organic.

I’ll tell you one thing though, when the teleport gets invented, I’m going to be so early to that party. I’ll be that weird girl in the corner. If I’m not there, you know it’s not cool.

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What are some things you just don’t understand?

I’m Not Going To Tell You How To Live Your Life, But I Will Tell You How To Make It Better.

Because I am extremely qualified to do so. Just look at my life, it’s marvelous!

And like most of my advice posts, this one is going to be heavily decorated in snacks. Because I don’t care what they say about emotional eating, it works, it helps, and it’s wonderful.

Calories you eat when you’re upset don’t count. Ask all the scientists I’ve paid off, they are forced to agree with me.

While my mother says the best way to relieve stress is to exercise, I beg to differ.  I think the best way to relieve stress is to take off your pants, get a nice, big bowl of something society would consider gluttonous, and go to town. I mean really, go to town on that bitch.

I don’t want you to think my life is great. I know that my perfectly filtered instagram photos and cleverly crafted tweets make it seem like I have it all together. In reality, I’m just waiting to go home, take my pants off, and dive nose deep into a jar of crunchy peanut butter using a reeses cup as a spoon.

Because no one really likes working. If you do, you’re lying. And if you’re not lying, you’re still in college. And if you’re still in college, you’re oblivious to the reality of obtaining your “dream job.”

And now, I present to you my list of snacks for all sorts of shitty occasions:

banana

frozen bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate

Fighting With Your Best Friend/Frenemy: There’s no way to evade getting into stupid fights with your friends. If it’s one of those really bad fights where you’re like, totally done with that betch, you’re going to want to serve yourself a big heaping plate of bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate sauce.  If you’re like every other female on the planet, you’ll spend your night spitefully wishing your ex-bestie is locked in her room wearing men’s sweats stuffing her face with Pringles and Pop-Tarts. But you’re going to come out on top, because while you’re not immune to eating your feelings, you’re going to make sure you don’t look like you got pregnant with Ben and Jerry’s baby over the weekend. It’s okay, because it’s fruit.

tequila

Break-Ups: You thought he was the one. But tragedy struck and now you’re left alone. What better way what to channel the horrors of a break up than by going shot for shot with the bartender man on East Ave. The night will parallel your relationship to the point where you’ll actually be happy you’re single. For instance, it will totally start out awkward, but after a few shots you’ll feel great and become more and more comfortable with each other.  Inevitably it will end in some bad decisions, and you’ll wake up in the morning swearing you never want to do it again so you can avoid feeling like this. You’ll learn some valuable lessons though, like never drink tequila ever in life and bartenders don’t make good boyfriends.

apples

apple sandwiches with chocolate chips, peanut butter, and caramel sauce

Going Back to School: Nothing says “I’m finding myself” like abruptly quitting your job and going back to school.  In the event that you may be entering this stage of life, there’s no better snack to help suppress those feelings of inadequacy than a good old fashioned sandwich. Relive your childhood memories wondering what you’ll be when you grow up and immediately come back down to earth when you hurt your jaw by chewing on a frozen chocolate chip. Life should be easy at this point, but it’s still pretty messy and that’s where the caramel comes in. Don’t forget a napkin, you’ll need it to clean up all those broken dreams littering your floor.

birthday cake oreos

birthday cake oreos

Getting Older: Every year there is one day in particular that forces you to remember you’re not as young as you once were. Whether it be a bad hip at twenty-five or your shocking inability to figure out simple social cues when you turn thirty, you’ll feel just fine when you plow through a sleeve of birthday cake flavored oreos. Because now that you’re getting older, people are going to expect you to start sagging in places that didn’t sag when you were eighteen, may as well give them something to work with. Am I right?

sangria

sangria

Quitting Your Job/Getting Fired: There’s not really a drink that says “I’m moving on with dignity” quite like Sangria. Whether you were involuntarily terminated from your job, or you chose to leave, pour yourself a big ol’ glass of wine with fruit inside and toast to some new beginnings. The wine will represent you, just totally getting better with age, but still trying to meander your way through those sour, fermented fruit chunks we call our inability to focus on the task at hand, clouding our vision of the future.

smores

smores with reeses peanut butter cups

Negative Bank Account Balance: All the times your mom begged you to save your allowance rather than spend it on the latest version of Dream Phone are all coming back to slap you in the face because you literally have no money. Without your parents’ support to pull you out of that financial black hole, take some time to indulge in a nice s’more. Because just like money, you’ll always want more, you’re just not really sure if you want to take the time, effort, and gather the supplies necessary to achieve your results. I mean credit card debt is totally in, right?

SIDE NOTE: Yes, these are, in fact, all things that I’ve eaten at one point or another because I suck at life a lot.

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Are you an emotional eater? What do you eat when you’re having a bad day?