Lists

I Don’t Think It Could Be Any More Clear That Jennifer Lopez Is A Vampire

Hi. Um, yes. I’ll have infinity amounts of whatever Jennifer Lopez is having.

These pictures are difinitive proof that vampires exist and Jennifer Lopez is a fang away from being Queen of the Latin Daywalkers.

I mean, holy damn. Does this woman age? Like ever? The progression from twenty-four to twenty-five put at least three wrinkles on my face. Meanwhile Lady Lopez is over here flaunting her pristine body for the whole world to see for twenty years NON-STOP.

If this is what forty-five looks like, I’ll sign my name on the dotted line and skip my thirties in a heartbeat. I need abs, I need a nice butt, I need that face. GIMME.

Not to mention her face hasn’t seen a wrinkle since she was born, but I mean, holy shit, give women around the world a break. Don’t vampires have to go to sleep during the day? How is she walking among us? Where is her maker?

I NEED ANSWERS.

If you, or anyone you know, has insight or information on how I can be reborn as a latin woman, please let me know. I need these genes. The latin community is just birthing dynamos and I’m sitting here wondering what I need to do to change my face and body and life to become 3% Latina.

In honor of my monumental discovery of JLo being a vampire, here is a list of some other people that I think may be in the vamp cahoots waiting to be exposed.

Jennifer Aniston She’s timeless, she’s likeable, she’s entrancing. All three qualities of a well bred vampire. Stay away.

Kate Beckinsale: Genetically impossible. Just like vampires.

George Clooney and Richard Gere: Both have had silver hair and the same face since 1990 and no one has questioned it. Until now.

Halle Berry: No one looks that good in a bikini for that long unless you suck people’s blood for food.

Sofia Vergara: Colombian vampires are almost as lethal as whatever JLo’s ancestry is. Just breeding ageless humans since the beginning of time.

Gabrielle Union: She has the face of a 20-year-old and could still feasibly star in Bring It On 2 without it being wierd. Kirsten Dunst, not so much.

John Stamos: Uncle Jesse. HELLO.

On the other hand, I can assure you MaCaulay Culkin is not a vampire because look at his face:

Yup, definitely a human. Age on, Richie Rich!

Do you know any celebrities that might be a vampire?

Sweet Potato Fries Are Ruining My Relationship

If there’s one way to lose a man’s trust, it’s to be completely full of shit when you rate meals on a 1-10 scale. They take food very seriously.

I irresponsibly rated sweet potato fries an 8/10 on my first date with my boyfriend and it became a permanent stain on our relationship. He claims he can’t trust me, that he doesn’t really know who I am or what I’m thinking.

I should have just gone with the onion rings.

What I learned from falsely embellishing the deliciousness of my side dish is that there are certain things you need to ask on the first date to make sure if this is someone you can be with long term. I mistakenly judged the importance of food ratings and I have not been able to live it down since.

In order for you to avoid being plagued with ridicule when it comes to food for the remainder of your relationship and inevitably creating a rocky and unstable trust between you and your partner, I’ve compiled a list of questions you MUST ask on the first date to avoid irreparable damage later on.

Here are the questions you NEED to ask on a first date to determine if this is someone you can be with for a long time:

What kind of sports fan are you? For the most part, this question applies to the male species, but I’ll include those diehard females who rep it hard in the sports department. Knowing what kind of sports fan your partner is will be crucial for the rest of your relationship. Most men like a sport for each of the seasons, so you’re going to need to know if he’s going to lock you out of your apartment or rip a couch cushion if Dwyane Wade doesn’t hit 3 points or that guy in the NFL doesn’t get 1824396 carries and 2734061 yards in a random game that doesn’t really matter (It totally matters though, somehow).

What is your position on Christmas music? If you are one of those girls who starts playing Christmas music on December 26th to prepare for the next holiday season, you’re going to need to let your partner know that ahead of time. Even if you’re a semi-normal human being who starts playing tasteful holiday tunes after Thanksgiving, you should respect the other person’s ears enough to let them know they should invest in earplugs for the next month and a half.

What do you rate Jennifer Aniston on a scale of 1-10? This question can be tweaked based on the celebrity of your choosing, but Jenny Anz is a pretty well known celebrity that both men and women like. Once you’ve asked the question and both given answers, if your number differentiate by more than 2 points on a 1-10 scale, you may be in disagreement with what the 1-10 scale is. This is not okay and will set a precedent for the future of rating questions. You must find an agreeable medium and set forth a list of qualifications pertaining to each number on the scale. This is the only way you will be able to take each other’s opinions seriously when you ask questions like, “On a scale of 1-10 how good are these sweet potato fries?”

Are you able to commit to tacky/trendy/seasonal activities knowing full well it will interrupt your weekend/sports/day off plans? This applies mainly to women, but maybe some instances men will get the seasonal feels and want to go skate on a pond or chop down a tree for good measure. If you’re not ready to commit to losing a couple hours on a Sunday to grab some apples off a tree or carve a smiley face on an orange gourd, you should just throw in the towel right now.

What are your thoughts on animals? Listen, I get it, some people don’t like animals. Whether it be an allergy, a bad experience, or just not being human, you need to find out if your lifelong dream of owning a farm of Great Danes is never going to come to fruition because you’re getting involved with the future bane of your existence.

Which side of the bed do you sleep on? There is nothing worse than having your first adult sleepover and both jumping in on the left side. Not only will it create an awkward rift when you lose because your boyfriend outweighs you by 100 lbs, it will most likely not work because sleeping is real life and you need that more than you need love. #HarshReality

Obviously, I encourage you to ask those awkward questions about wanting a family, politics, and religion, but if you want to get to the stuff that actually matters, take my advice.

Or don’t. I steered my boyfriend wrong when I rated the sweet potato fries, so I could be making things up entirely out of thin air.

What are the important questions you ask on a first date?

I’m Thankful For The Facebook Timeline Feature Because Now I Can Relive My Glory Days With The Click Of A Button.

Everyone! Let’s give a round of applause for technology and the permanent trail of embarrassment that is the internet!

Just when you think you’ve escaped the metaphorical black hole that was your life in middle and high school, Facebook is here with the Timeline Activity feature that allows you to click a year and see just what you wrote during that specific time period. Let’s bring back those cringeworthy flirt posts, relive that awkward drunk message you wrote to that kid you don’t even know, and by all means, take a loosky at that time you thought it was a good idea to wear plaid pants and high top sneakers.

I like to put my life on display. Mostly because I think that if I admit to myself and the world how much of an embarassment to society I was between the ages of ~~my entire life~~ 12-22, maybe I can help others not make the same mistakes.

So, today I am thankful for Facebook. I am so excited that I get a permanent reminder of how much of a jackass I was when I was sixteen and constantly get to see my blatant disregard for proper capitalization and grammar. I guess hindsight is twenty/twenty.

Here are some highlights from my Facebook past:

Zo zerious, in fact, that I couldn’t even use an ‘S’

Halfway convinced that my mother actually wrote this status instead of me. But then I remember that she can barely work Microsoft Word in 2014, so there’s no way she could have hacked into my Facebook account back in 2006.

I never got a humpback whale. WHERE IS MY HUMPBACK WHALE.

#FutureEnglishMajor #FutureTeacher

Well, there you have it folks, you can finally tell people you know someone who has risen from the dead. I’m pretty sure it sucked when I was dead, but I can assure you, being alive is way more fun.

So, I’m not half asian. Not even in the slightest bit. So I don’t think I can regret it, but clearly it was something I felt strongly about this night.

Honestly, this is a personal problem and I’m getting it checked out. I didn’t realize I was so willy nilly about exposing personal struggles via such a public forum, but I guess a lot was going on in life in 2008.

Like I said, clearly a lot was going on in my life where I wasn’t concerned about being implicated for the murder of my professor. Like how shitty of a criminal am I?

Sidenote: I didn’t actually murder my professor, but he’s definitely not here to talk about it anymore.

This is a brilliant idea and I don’t know why I haven’t rethought of this. Probably because I came to the conclusion that bathtubs are generally riddled with the remnants of dirty people, therefor, I realized I was washing my clothes in liquid human filth. #graphic #visuals

This is what I was concerned about when I studied abroad. This is also why I gained twenty-five pounds before I came back.

Valid. They were. And I legit never got them back.

Hey! Let’s be social and make bad decisions together, follow me on Facebook, and I’ll do the same for you. LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.

***

Have you ever posted anything on the internet you later regretted? What’s your best/most embarrassing post?

I Got My Hands On SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog And I’ve Decided It’s The New Bible

You know, if the bible was a airplane magazine that sold you everything you never knew you needed ever in your lifetime.

Listen, we all just want to get through each day without tripping off a sidewalk, spilling food on ourselves, and trying not to relate every conversation back to your obsession with 19 Kids and Counting.

And while I’m masking my inadequacies surrounding social interactions with interjections about my affinity for TLC’s reality television programs, other people are actually just trying to get through the day alive. Especially if you hate your job. Which, according to almost everyone I’ve talking to – aside from Beyonce who gets to take a year of to just go and “try to get pregnant” with Jay-Z for the next year – everyone pretty much hates their job.

Sorry, I need to go back to that for a moment. Yes, Beyonce is taking a year off from making mazillions (real number, google it) (please don’t) of dollars so that her and Jay-Z can go live in Paris to have secret sex and try and make a second baby. Celebrities have it so tough.

Anyways, while the rest of the population is metaphorically stabbing their eyeballs out while sitting in a cube all day being slaves in corporate purgatory, there are two things that seem to brighten the long days spent inside staring at a computer screen and spinning in your rolly chair.

One of those things is alcohol. The other one of those things, is SkyMall.

I’ve written numerous posts about my obsession with SkyMall, but recently, a coworker let me twiddle my fingers through the pages of their much sought after holiday catalog and I was immediately filled with so much glee I almost spontaneously broke into a solo flash mob in my office. #JaneLynch

Within these pages, there are tons and tons of new items, products, toys, and games that I need in my life. Obviously, you should all visit their website and buy a shit ton of stuff because it will enrich both your social and love life, but also because SkyMall has all the things you need to make your life a mazillion times better than it is right now.

My Top 5 Must-Haves From SkyMall’s Holiday Catalog

OrbitWheels

1. OrbitWheels

People are always pointing out how lazy I am when it comes to doing any sort of physical activity. Mainly because my idea of a workout is getting up to refill my third bowl of Frosted Flakes, but that’s not the point. These bad boys would allow me to glide all over the world like a certified exercising BOSS. Not only is Boston not very hilly, the sidewalks are pretty ruthless and cutthroat, which is why these feet wheels would be the ultimate weapon of power when commuting to work. MOVE OVER, LADY.

Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

2. Mademoiselle Haute Lamp

As I previously mentioned in one of my most sophisticated posts to date, my boyfriend and I are moving in together. I’m assuming there will be arguments, mostly because we fight over things like who has more cheese on their burrito or who can get to the fridge faster in order to eat the last Trader Joe’s cupcake. In order to be the ultimate wit warrior, I’m going to need another woman on my side. And while adding a second, human, lady roommate to our one-bedroom apartment could cause a serious rift, I see no issue with a lady lamp. What I see here is a built in companion ready to defend my idiosyncrasies and ridiculous/crazy/borderline obsessive tendencies to her dumpster grave.

Fyxation Caddy

3. Fyxation Caddy

I actually don’t even own a bike, but if I can just attach this to my stationary cycle while I’m at spin class, that 45 minutes would go by a hell of a lot faster. I totally wish I would have had this in college, as it would have made my entrance into parties much more exciting for everyone in attendance. Then I wouldn’t be that weird girl in the corner that no one really knows how she got there. I’d just be that weird girl with her bike beers trying to get everyone drunk enough to forget I actually am the weird girl in the corner, and I see no issue with that.

Hovertrax

4. Hovertrax

And this may be the best thing the world never knew it needed. The best part about the airport, aside from it being socially acceptable to be drunk at all hours, is that there are people movers. You don’t have to walk and yet you still move. Well Hovertrax is coming in hot with mobility without movement. Hungover? Hovertrax home. Hard gym workout? Hovertrax it back. The possibilities are endless.

Customized Shark Boat

5. Seabreacher Customized Boat

I don’t even know what realm of the universe you’re living on if I have to explain to you the urgency of ownership revolving around this customized sharkboat. Sure it’s almost $100,000, and I’ll probably have to do some aggressive begging and maybe street walking in order to get it, but hey, you just can’t put a price tag on happiness. At least that’s what I keep telling my boyfriend when I talk about how affordable Michael Kors watches are during Christmas time. (So affordable, right!?)

What do you have on your holiday lists? Have you started shopping yet?

Life Is Too Short Not To Risk Your Life For Instagram

Pics or it didn’t happen. Am I right?

Yesterday I went on what I thought was going to be a leisurely Sunday hike and what actually turned out to be a near death experience at the expense of getting mad likes on my instagram account.

https://instagram.com/p/vMSGiBugoD

Hey Leo DiCaprio, I’m still available. Call me. #TitanicPose

Anyways, in an effort to celebrate my stupidity in exchange for some social media gratification, I’ve compiled a list of things that you should just do because life is just too goddamn short.

Life is too short, so:

don’t hold grudges
don’t count five seconds in order to eat things off the floor
don’t wait for the crosswalk signal. just go. seriously.
don’t be unhappy
try not to develop allergies to food – come on bodies, ADAPT ALREADY
wear shoes that are comfortable
eat an entire box of cereal in one sitting
try all flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream
care about what other people think
don’t care about what other people think
be stupid
don’t be stupid
don’t grow up… like all the way
enjoy the finer things in life
pretend you’re still underage at the movie theaters in order to get discount movie tickets
pretend you’re of age at the liquor store in order to get alcohol
don’t skimp on ambition when it comes to your career
don’t settle
try and get through the express checkout lane with more than 15 items
drink lots of wine
eat lots of oreos
figure out what makes you happy
get hurt a bunch of times (preferably metaphorically, but maybe physically)
fall in love
then curse it when it slaps you in the face
learn lessons and make mistakes
spend all your money
live on your own
and when you do live on your own, eat like you’re seven again because it’s all you can afford
listen to bad music
find things you like about yourself
change the things you don’t (preferably metaphorically, but maybe physically)
don’t drive like a jackass
use your turn signals
say thank you and please and hello and goodbye
be nice
make a bucket list
wear sunscreen
eat healthy
but always leave room for dessert
do what you want
but not at the expense of other people
stay hungry (preferably metaphorically, but obviously physically)
stay healthy
treat people the way you want to be treated
do things you don’t want to do
remember everything
leave a legacy

***

Have you ever made a bucket list? How far did you get on it?

Five Things You Don’t Know About Pretty Little Liars

It’s not shocking that I walk through life on a daily basis asking questions like, “Wait, what’s going on?” and “How did that happen?”

But those questions demonstrating my ineptitude at paying attention to the finer things in life need to stop once I plop myself down on the couch to watch some prime time television. That’s why I watch the news… sometimes. I need answers to all of life’s questions and the television is CLEARLY the only thing that will give those to me.

YOU HEARD ME. Not the internet. Not books. Not a higher education or a general interest in the world around me. The television will give me all the answers, I tell you!

Anyways, I was perusing the internet today (what else is new?) and I came across this article on Yahoo, and immediately wanted to stand up on my rolly chair screaming cats and dogs to the high heavens.

Click image for link to article.

Five things you don’t know about Pretty Little Liars? FIVE? JUST FIVE?

I can list off five things after one episode I don’t know, let alone the entire series. It’s the LOST-esque television show of ABC Family, where you never really know what’s going on, but you keep watching hoping you’ll get answers. For me, after season three when the girls were still being chased by some looney that was actually their ex-best friend who escaped from a mental institution, I somehow decided my brain was not at the mental capacity to deal with so many unanswered questions.

I can go listen to a lecture on Physics if I’m interested in being confused.

And really, where are the police? What is going on with law enforcement in these shows? I’m so perplexed I can’t even finish my wine. And that’s saying something.

Here are five things I don’t know about Pretty Little Liars:

1. How old are they?

The show is in it’s fifth season, and these girls are still in high school. Plus, we all know how I looked when I was a teenager, and not to say I was the standard for all things grace and elegant, but I sure as hell wasn’t walking around campus in four inch heels and prom make up, nor did I have the ability to wake up early enough to pull off this hairstyle for just one day.

what is going on here?

2. Where are their parents?

Seriously, I couldn’t even breathe wrong in highschool without my mom metaphorically placing a tracking device on my diaphragm. These girls are out in heels galavanting the night away chasing stalkers and murderers. Don’t get me started on sleepovers. My mom had to call the mother, father, neighbor, and local bank teller making sure I was where I said I was at night. One time she had a hunch my friend Megan and I were doing something sketchy, so her and Megan’s mother, unacquainted and newly in cahoots, met up, drove around my hometown under the cover of darkness and tried to find and bust-up parties to get us caught. RUTHLESS.

Do these look like two girls who would disobey parental authority?

3. When do they sleep?

I need a solid eight to ten hours of snooze time a night or else I am not a pleasant person. Ask my boyfriend; he doesn’t even call me after 9pm because he knows I’m either in bed with no pants on watching and solo-participating in Family Feud or I’m already fast asleep. Either way he knows not to bother me. These girls don’t even get started until after 9pm. And hey, I’m a few standard deviations off from the normal twenty-five year old when it comes to sleep time, but I have to believe that these girls are just the slightest bit tired in math class after an all-night manhunt that may or may not have resulted in finding a dead body. But hey, I guess that’s why they’re such good actors? Just putting a brave face on in the midst of adversity.

WE’RE GONNA PLAY, STEVE!

4. What is going on?

Really, this is the biggest question I have. What on God’s green earth is going on during this show? Are they safe? Are they not? When do they find out who A is? What is A? Do people always have different phones every month? Why is it always night time, fall, and raining? Do they really enjoy wearing heels when they run? Shouldn’t they be wearing running shoes in the midst of a near-death chase? I NEED ANSWERS.

5. Are dead/missing/undead teenagers in small towns not a really big deal?

Seriously. I lose a sock and make a bigger deal than this town does over a missing person. Definitely not putting Rosewood on my list of places I’d like to settle own and have a family. It would be a convenient place to go if I wanted to find creepy dolls though, they seem to have shops on shops on shops of weird Halloween-y stuff. So actually, no, I won’t be going there. Sorry Porcelain, you ain’t my cup of tea.

Yeah, no thanks, pal!

What television shows do you watch that are confusing? Do you give up on them?

I’m Always Late To The Party.

Or maybe I just wasn’t ever invited? I’m not sure, but whatever it is, I don’t belong.

I’ve showed up at my fair share of parties without being invited. But the good thing about being the weird girl in the corner is that everyone always expects you to be the weird girl in the corner. If you see an empty corner, people are like, hey where’s that weird girl who normally stands there?

Yeah, I like corners, so what! Sue me. No, don’t. I’m not in a financially stable point in my life to accept lawsuits at the moment, so wait for me to win the lottery or become famous off a viral video of me eating peas at the kids table during Thanksgiving.

Does that even happen?

I think what I’m trying to say here is that I’m not really ever at the forefront of anything cool. I’m kind of a follower, which I know is super hard to believe judging by all my amazingly attractive #tbt instagram pictures. I had no clue that glasses without prescriptions are actually a thing people wanted to have. I didn’t even know what a gluten was until suddenly people aren’t supposed to be eating it. And I still have no idea why Beyonce is ‘everything’ but we’ll discuss that in a little bit.

Here Is The List of Things I Just Don’t Understand

Heels: Maybe I have terrible arches and a penchant for faceplanting, but I just have no idea where heels rank on the fun scale. For me, it’s about negative seven-hundred. Do I wish I was taller sometimes? Yes. But I also wish I had even boobs and the same sized eyeballs, but we can’t always get what we want. If wearing certain shoes is something you have to “train your feet to enjoy,” then I want no part of it. I’ll be sitting over here, comfy as hell, wearing orthopedic fashion like it aint no thang.

Eating Clean: My idea of clean eating is using napkins when I’m stuffing my face full of cookies. If I didn’t spill on myself, I consider it a victory. I don’t have time to learn what all those hard-to-pronounce words mean on the labels. I sure as hell don’t have time to actually grow my own stuff and be organic. Ignorance is bliss, in my opinion. And I’m totally fine not knowing what is actually in a hot dog, because they taste amazing and I don’t want to be privy to that type of information.

Make Up: Do I always like my face? No. Sometimes I think it does weird things and when I see pictures of myself I wish I didn’t exist. But adding another step towards making myself look presentable seems like it’s going to end up doing more harm than good. Plus, it’s going to all eventually come off anyways, and there’s nothing worse than someone seeing what you actually look like and running the other direction. Gotta walk around this world with your God-given face, and say “Fuck You.” to all the haters. Or something nicer like, “Hey please stop staring at my small left eye, that’s rude.”

Beyonce: Apparently, Beyonce is “everything,” and girls “literally die” for her. If Beyonce is causing women’s hearts around the world to legitimately stop beating, shouldn’t the FBI be taking a closer look at this? It seems like an epidemic in my opinion. And one that needs to be investigated. Oj Simpson already got away with murder, we can’t have another celebrity falling through the cracks.

Whole Foods: I went inside a whole foods one time and I got so overwhelmed I almost started crying. The floor was practically paved with granola and the cash registers were made out of recycled tree trunks. I had no idea where to even begin, so I just left. Not to mention that the vegan soccer mom army was monopolizing the check-out line, so I didn’t have a shot in hell at making it out alive without buying something organic.

I’ll tell you one thing though, when the teleport gets invented, I’m going to be so early to that party. I’ll be that weird girl in the corner. If I’m not there, you know it’s not cool.

***

What are some things you just don’t understand?

I’m Not Going To Tell You How To Live Your Life, But I Will Tell You How To Make It Better.

Because I am extremely qualified to do so. Just look at my life, it’s marvelous!

And like most of my advice posts, this one is going to be heavily decorated in snacks. Because I don’t care what they say about emotional eating, it works, it helps, and it’s wonderful.

Calories you eat when you’re upset don’t count. Ask all the scientists I’ve paid off, they are forced to agree with me.

While my mother says the best way to relieve stress is to exercise, I beg to differ. I think the best way to relieve stress is to take off your pants, get a nice, big bowl of something society would consider gluttonous, and go to town. I mean really, go to town on that bitch.

I don’t want you to think my life is great. I know that my perfectly filtered instagram photos and cleverly crafted tweets make it seem like I have it all together. In reality, I’m just waiting to go home, take my pants off, and dive nose deep into a jar of crunchy peanut butter using a reeses cup as a spoon.

Because no one really likes working. If you do, you’re lying. And if you’re not lying, you’re still in college. And if you’re still in college, you’re oblivious to the reality of obtaining your “dream job.”

And now, I present to you my list of snacks for all sorts of shitty occasions:

frozen bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate

Fighting With Your Best Friend/Frenemy: There’s no way to evade getting into stupid fights with your friends. If it’s one of those really bad fights where you’re like, totally done with that betch, you’re going to want to serve yourself a big heaping plate of bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate sauce. If you’re like every other female on the planet, you’ll spend your night spitefully wishing your ex-bestie is locked in her room wearing men’s sweats stuffing her face with Pringles and Pop-Tarts. But you’re going to come out on top, because while you’re not immune to eating your feelings, you’re going to make sure you don’t look like you got pregnant with Ben and Jerry’s baby over the weekend. It’s okay, because it’s fruit.

tequila

Break-Ups: You thought he was the one. But tragedy struck and now you’re left alone. What better way what to channel the horrors of a break up than by going shot for shot with the bartender man on East Ave. The night will parallel your relationship to the point where you’ll actually be happy you’re single. For instance, it will totally start out awkward, but after a few shots you’ll feel great and become more and more comfortable with each other. Inevitably it will end in some bad decisions, and you’ll wake up in the morning swearing you never want to do it again so you can avoid feeling like this. You’ll learn some valuable lessons though, like never drink tequila ever in life and bartenders don’t make good boyfriends.

apple sandwiches with chocolate chips, peanut butter, and caramel sauce

Going Back to School: Nothing says “I’m finding myself” like abruptly quitting your job and going back to school. In the event that you may be entering this stage of life, there’s no better snack to help suppress those feelings of inadequacy than a good old fashioned sandwich. Relive your childhood memories wondering what you’ll be when you grow up and immediately come back down to earth when you hurt your jaw by chewing on a frozen chocolate chip. Life should be easy at this point, but it’s still pretty messy and that’s where the caramel comes in. Don’t forget a napkin, you’ll need it to clean up all those broken dreams littering your floor.

birthday cake oreos

Getting Older: Every year there is one day in particular that forces you to remember you’re not as young as you once were. Whether it be a bad hip at twenty-five or your shocking inability to figure out simple social cues when you turn thirty, you’ll feel just fine when you plow through a sleeve of birthday cake flavored oreos. Because now that you’re getting older, people are going to expect you to start sagging in places that didn’t sag when you were eighteen, may as well give them something to work with. Am I right?

sangria

Quitting Your Job/Getting Fired: There’s not really a drink that says “I’m moving on with dignity” quite like Sangria. Whether you were involuntarily terminated from your job, or you chose to leave, pour yourself a big ol’ glass of wine with fruit inside and toast to some new beginnings. The wine will represent you, just totally getting better with age, but still trying to meander your way through those sour, fermented fruit chunks we call our inability to focus on the task at hand, clouding our vision of the future.

smores with reeses peanut butter cups

Negative Bank Account Balance: All the times your mom begged you to save your allowance rather than spend it on the latest version of Dream Phone are all coming back to slap you in the face because you literally have no money. Without your parents’ support to pull you out of that financial black hole, take some time to indulge in a nice s’more. Because just like money, you’ll always want more, you’re just not really sure if you want to take the time, effort, and gather the supplies necessary to achieve your results. I mean credit card debt is totally in, right?

SIDE NOTE: Yes, these are, in fact, all things that I’ve eaten at one point or another because I suck at life a lot.

***

Are you an emotional eater? What do you eat when you’re having a bad day?

I’m Going To Do Exactly The Opposite Of What You Just Told Me To Do.

Some people are born leaders, destined to sprinkle greatness upon the world their wise words, cunning sales tactics, and charismatic demeanor.

Then there is me. Staring into space. Not paying attention or listening to a word those people are saying.

I’m not saying I avoid listening. I just tend to walk to the beat of my own drum when it comes to following directions or taking orders.

It could be the fact that I am one of the most stubborn people on the entire planet, or it could just be the fact that I think I know what I’m doing, and repeatedly get proven wrong in the matter.

Sure, I follow the most essential rules of life, like showing up to work on time and waiting thirty minutes to swim, but I’m also pretty sure my name literally translates to, “disobeying direct orders” in Swahili. I actually do it a lot. It makes life interesting.

Seriously. Who wants to walk through life just following all the rules that are set in place? No one. Unless you’re a rule follower, which is cool, then you would answer, “Yes” to the previous question.

I like to live life on the edge, really just walk into the unknown and see what happens. It’s exhilarating. It’s also extremely exhausting. But I’m twenty-five, and I’ve lived this way for a quarter of a century, so why change now?

I’ve already mentioned that I lie a lot, so I’m realizing that airing out all my faults and flaws is not really doing a great deal for my likeableness; and I may be losing potential friends and/or life partners with each post. But I’m willing to commit to a life of solitude and desolation if it means helping other people not make the same mistakes I did.

PS – I am totally retracting that statement once I find someone I would like to hang out with for the rest of my life.

I frequently do not listen to the following things:

Sunscreen:

You’re telling me that in the three months that the sun is actually strong enough to turn my skin from transparent to any hue resembling looking alive that I have to put on a protective lotion to keep me safe? Absolutely not my friend. I will burn, and burn, and be in pain until it turns to tan. Especially with a full-time job, I can’t not capitalize on using the world as an oven and bake myself silly. Will I be wrinkly and gross looking by the time I’m 50? Yes. But hopefully at that point some boy will have mouthed the words, “For better, for worse, ’til death do us part,” and this will be the ‘for worse’ part of our lifelong matrimony that he has to endure.

Speed Limits:

Everyone knows that the only time you ever drive the speed limit is if you’re doing something wrong. Normal people go 5-8 MPH over it. No one drives 25MPH for the sake of a white, rectangular sign. You’re driving that slow because you have an army of stolen sloths from the New Mexico Zoo in your backseat, and you’re praying you don’t get pulled over by the local police because you wanted to drive at a speed that would get somewhere before an entire carton of ice cream melts.

Cooking Directions:

I honestly think I print out recipes for the sole reason of me being able to say, “No, look! I even have the recipe!” I never follow the recipe. Tell me I need one tomato, and if I don’t have it, I’ll just throw in something from my refrigerator that is red and juicy, could be jello, could be cranberry juice. Only time will tell. The fact that I have had zero culinary training doesn’t scare me in the slightest, because food can’t fight back. Potatoes and Special K aren’t going to be at odds with each other, because they are not alive (I think?). I am in complete control, and most times, it does not turn out well.

Packing:

Are we just going somewhere overnight? Cool. I’ll just grab my industrial sized suitcase and pack enough clothes for a month-long, European backpacking adventure. If it’s tropical, I’m bringing snow boots. What if there is a freak snowstorm in July? El Nino would totally want to pop up on my Brazilian beach vacation and say, “Hey Meg, bet you didn’t prepare for this!” Not so fast, you elusive snow storm, I have brought warm winter boots, scarves, and a puffy jacket just in case.

Touching Things:

Don’t ever let me near a red button. I will push it so fast you’ll wish you were never friends with me. I can’t go to any store without touching all the objects in the display case, and have even been known to knock down a thing or two in department stores. ON ACCIDENT. OKAY. Case and point. My mother once told me not to touch the stove, so when she was boiling water, I moved the pot over and placed my hand on the coils to see if she was lying to me. She was not lying. This was the result.

Introductions:

I am so bad with remembering names it’s unfortunate. Honestly, you can have the most interesting name in the world and I will still call you by your hair type and fashion sense. Come on, parents. Step up your game, let’s start naming people by what they look like, not what you think is trendy, traditional, or totally different. In my mind, Johnny, is now curly-haired-striped-shirt in my name catalog. Not your fault, just a casualty of being over stimulated as a child. I couldn’t pay attention in class for the life of me – how am I supposed to remember a name as common as Mr. Smith’s in Pocahontas?

Anyone Telling Me About My General Health:

I should exercise more. I need to floss my teeth. I need to stop drinking bottles of wine on a Tuesday. Yup, got it. Wrote it down, crumpled it up, threw it out. I just bought a case of wine from Trader Joes for $36, there’s no way I’m letting that go to waste. And flossing is just extra work, I already brush my teeth. What happened to survival of the fittest? I am training my teeth to become stronger. My incisors are rock solid, there’s nothing I can’t bite through. And don’t talk to me about exercise, I dance a lot when I’m out on the weekends, that counts for something. It has to, or else I’m screwed.

I want to throw out an honorable mention to fashion sense, hairstyling, and eating in public, but those will have to be saved for a later time.

Thanks for listening to me.

What do you not listen to?

Things I’d Rather Do Instead of Wait In Line for the iPhone 6

#FML

Get ready, world!

The new iPhone is coming out September 19, and your wallet is going to slap you in the face and punch you in the groin until you pee out all your money and you’re left with nothing but a thin metal device that fits in your back pocket and can dial numbers and text just like your old phone could.

But wait! There’s more!

It has the INTERNET! Oh, the other iPhones have the internet?

I’m confused.

I was reading this article on Mashable about the lines that formed due to the iPhone 5s/c being released last year. Kids, and in some cases, parents (which is more embarrassing), waited in line and slept overnight just so they can pay two-hundred dollars and probably not even use an upgrade for a phone that will be outdated in about six months.

Anyways, in lieu of the downward spiral in which consumer America is headed, I’ve compiled a list of things I would rather do instead of spending the night sleeping next to the resident homeless man on the city sidewalks.

Things I’d Rather Do Instead of Wait In Line for the iPhone 6:

Actually sleep in a bed. I have to believe that sleeping on a concrete sidewalk next to a bunch of people who are overly-excited about technology, and haven’t showered, has to be what purgatory feels like. I’m also almost certain there will be chants and clapping in unison. No thank you. PS – don’t you work?
Watch All Eight Harry Potter Movies. And honestly, I may not even have enough time for all of them. I think the first person got in line last year around 7pm the night before. The stores opened at 8am, making the total time voluntarily spent outdoors clocks in around thirteen hours. Each of the Harry Potter movies run between two and a half to three hours, so thats only about half the series. But hey, by the time I watched all eight movies in succession, the new iPhone will be out and I’ll be ready for human contact again. Bonus.
Read a car manual. Some people like to camp in anticipation, I’m just more partial to sleeping in a temperature controlled apartment, not having to worry that someone’s going to jack my sidewalk block because I momentarily dozed off. So thanks, but I’ll take laying on my pillow-top mattress reading my Jetta’s manual instead.
Get in line at at the DMV. You know if that many people are waiting in line for an iPhone, there has to be at least half those people aren’t pre-camping out at the DMV waiting to register their cars. Knowledge.
Make an entire Thanksgiving meal. I’d rather sit with a baster and play babysitter to a 26lb turkey making sure it’s cooked to perfection. At least there’s food involved.
Complain about my current iPhone. By making a firm commitment to not buy the new iPhone, this gives me ample opportunities to complain about my current phone every chance I get.
Go grocery shopping right before a natural disaster. At least you’re semi-guaranteed to get at least one of the things you came for at the grocery store. If you are the loser that shows up at 9pm for an 8am opening, you don’t have a shot in hell. Time to go home and pop in some of those Harry Potter DVDs, cause you lost. I may not have milk or canned goods, but I can at least get some Nilla Wafers and perishables before you get your iPhone.

Do I envy the people who will waste a night of precious, comfortable sleep to get it? No.

Am I bitter I won’t have the new iPhone? Absolutely.

But, I will bet you ten dollars that the people who wait in line for this phone are the same people that had those rechargeable Power Wheels drag racing down the street, one-upping the entire neighborhood.

I hate your commitment. But I respect your hustle.

***

Half and Half

half wit. half wisdom. a whole lot of nonsense.