observations

Things That Are More Important Than The Next Royal Baby

Or, if you were alive last week, Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress.  Because that was totally monumental and headline worthy.

Oh no, I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

Aside from real world problems and issues like genocide, civil warfare, and the ongoing conflicts in the Middle East, there are a number of things that are more interesting and relatively important than the soon-to-be birth of the second royal baby.

Plus, we have nine whole months of “baby bump” monitoring before we even see what the thing looks like.  So, instead of getting all your panties in a bunch over Kate Middleton’s fetus, you should maybe table your investment until month eight, and save your sanity.

Here is a list of things that you can do within the next nine months instead of caring about an unborn royal child that isn’t even related to you and never will know who you are in any capacity:

 

  • Try everything on the Taco Bell breakfast menu
  • Drink infinity magnum bottles of wine
  • Watch most of the CSI reruns on Spike
  • Nap
  • Try lowering America’s obesity problem
  • Learn how not to be socially awkward
  • Figure out how to talk to adults
  • Pay rent on your apartment
  • Take a shower
  • Come up with a word other than ‘baby bump’ to describe pregnancy
  • Make sure you eat three square meals a day
  • Read the entire series of Game of Thrones
  • Then watch the television show to compare plot lines and accuracy
  • Watch three seasons come and go
  • Hike the Appalachian Trail
  • Drive across country
  • Learn to play a new sport
  • Exercise
  • Get someone at an old folks home to remember your name
  • Go back to grade school
  • Grow a plant
  • Break a bone and watch it heal
  • Pick up a skill like basket weaving, knitting, or caring about other people
  • Watch your hair grow out and then chop it off
  • Make a new friend
  • Wait for the new iPhone to come out
  • Learn to type without looking at the keyboard
  • Try as many new restaurants as possible
  • Rearrange all the furniture in your apartment
  • Get pregnant and have a kid you will/should actually care about

… Just some thoughts.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Going Back To School

“Back to school, back to school, to prove to my dad I am not a fool.” – Billy Madison

After a long summer of doing absolutely nothing but laying by the pool, having bonfires, and ignoring your parents’ curfew, you finally have to bite the bullet and go back to academic prison stifling your sleep schedule, fun schedule, and happiness schedule.

I have a job where I don’t use either of my degrees.  I’m not bitter.  I’m not mad about the debt that I’ve racked up over the course of my six years of higher education.  But aside from my passive aggressive attempt to displace my stupidity at not pursuing the career I originally wanted, I do have some serious FOMO (“fear of missing out” for those acronymly challenged people) when it comes to going back to school.

I’d like to say I’d do more than one thing differently.

Judging by my extensive time spent in various higher education institutions, and my penchant for talking for the sake of talking, I’ve compiled this list of things you should and shouldn’t do when it comes to going to college.

DISCLAIMER: In no way, shape, or form, should you take these statements as  fact, absolute truths, or completely applicable to everyday life.  I am questionably insane and still eat poptarts and wine for dinner. 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Going Back To School:

  •  Make sure you research your roommates, there’s nothing like finding out your roommate hates the way you chew and refuses to let you eat Jolly Ranchers in her presence
  • Get dressed for class, looking presentable is acceptable in the real world, it’s also appreciated in college
  • Pick out your first day of school outfit.  First impressions are real.
  • Get a white noise machine, your roommate will probably snore, and it will probably be loud, and you probably won’t sleep very well
  • Prepare to sleep talk, it’s totally normal, and definitely not something that is unique to myself
  • Wear flip flops in the communal showers, boys are gross, girls are disgusting
  • Stock up on extension cords, you will most likely only have one outlet for 3 people
  • Understand that you may not be best friends with your roommate, you may actually hate them
  • Be aware that you may become best friends with your roommate, and that is awesome
  • Know that all you can eat dining halls exist
  • So does the freshman fifteen
  • And the freshman thirty
  • Avoid the gym after January 1st, it’s filled with people who resolve to change their bodies with the turn of the new year
  • Go to the gym after January 15th, at this point, all these new years resolutions have dissolved
  • Beer is your friend, but it will make you fat
  • Vodka is your friend, but it will make you really drunk
  • Heels are not your friend, they will make you fall over
  • Prepare to lose your keys or ID card once every year
  • Accommodate for the fact that your meal plan will run out, bring tupperware
  • Free is always good, find the events on campus and attack them (not maliciously)
  • Join a club, a sorority, or a sports team, you will make better friends
  • The people on your floor may be weird, accept them
  • Attempt to study abroad, living in another country is a culturally rich experience
  • Don’t stay up for hours watching To Catch A Predator marathons instead of going out, it gives off a weird vibe
  • Indulge in naps, they are totally and utterly acceptable
  • Read the rules of the dorms, don’t get fined for having hideous, floor length, denim curtains because they’re a fire hazard
  • Go to the sports events, even if you hate sports, camaraderie is real, even if your school sucks
  • Don’t buy books at the bookstore, there are far better places to rent them for the semester, and then you’re not stuck with a $200 Biology textbook with a frog on the cover
  • If you do buy your textbooks, sell them on Amazon
  • But don’t buy your textbooks, split them with a friend in class, sharing is caring
  • Get used to walking, if you’re at a big school, learn the bus routes, if you’re at a small school, that sucks
  • Don’t leave your drink out in the open, roofies are real
  • Dress the way you want, college is one of the only times you can get away with wearing a short, tight dress on a Wednesday without people thinking you’re a streetwalker

Above all, enjoy these four years, it’s the last chance you’ll get to live without rules and not have to pay rent.  Living on your own is a blessing, but getting up for work is mandatory, so take advantage of skipping classes with little to no repercussions.

What are pieces of advice YOU recommend for college?

50 Thoughts I Have While Watching House Hunters

IT’S A GUEST POST, Y’ALL.  HOP ON THE VIRTUAL FRIEND WAGON AND SEE WHAT’S IN STORE TODAY.  

I’m not southern, in the slightest, but that just seemed to fit so wonderfully.  

Anyways, I am thrilled to announce to the interwebs that I have found someone who shares the same brain capacity as myself – I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not – and is obsessed with HGTV and all it’s DIY filled glory that normal humans (even those with Pinterest accounts) will never be able to achieve.

Take it away, Taylor!

Hi, my name is Taylor and I blog over at Pinstripes & Lipgloss. I’m not sure if Meg is still busy trying to find a purpose for the multitude of fruit that has graced her office or trying to open a stubborn box of wine, but today you’re stuck with me instead.

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Like Meg, I enjoy a good HGTV show now and then (“now and then” defined as “way too often for someone in their 20’s”). My favorite of HGTV’s offerings is House Hunters. A true classic, House Hunters always promises 30 minutes of houses I can’t afford, bad kitchen cabinetry, and people who will probably later regret that they ever agreed to be on television.

Today I’m going to share with you the thoughts I have when I watch House Hunters, because there is nothing more interesting than reading the thoughts of a random person you have just virtually met (except for organizing your sock drawer).

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… WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!

 

  1. They seem like a nice couple.

  2. Wait, they’re newlyweds? Oh, no. They’re the worst.

  3. Did she just mention starting a family? His face says that’s the first time she’s brought it up. Awkward.

  4. Well I guess they can use those five bedrooms for his jam sessions with his bros if the whole kid thing doesn’t work out.

  5. Their budget is $200k. In the middle of Miami? Good luck finding a cardboard box 20 miles from the beach.

  6. They also want a backyard that faces northeast, a kitchen with stainless steel appliances, AND a pool. I can’t even.

  7. Even the realtor knows this is ridiculous.

  8. This first house seems nice. I’d live there.

  9. The living room isn’t big enough for them? Are they wanting it to double as an indoor football arena?

  10. They like everything in the kitchen but the cabinetry…last time I checked, that’s removable.

  11. “Bob, I don’t know if we can live without a pool.” Wow can you say #firstworldproblems?

  12. This second house might be more promising. It has a pool.

  13. The paint color? Really? HAVE YOU EVER USED A PAINTBRUSH IT IS NOT THAT HARD

  14. It doesn’t have a fireplace because you didn’t ask your realtor for one. Your bad. You can’t have everything.

  15. Is it really necessary for both of you to stand in the shower and make sure you fit?

  16. Typical newlyweds.

  17. I’m uncomfortable.

  18. I’m almost more uncomfortable about the fact that she has that haircut and somehow she was married before me.

  19. The realtor just made this worse by laughing at his shower joke.

  20. Eew.

  21. If this closet were any bigger, I’d think they wanted to hide dead bodies or something.

  22. He’s wearing tube socks and khakis. He seems like the type that would.

  23. Do they let serial killers on this show? I suppose they’d have no way of knowing.

  24. Alright, house number three. Maybe this is going to be the one.

  25. She’s already complaining about the siding. Maybe not.

  26. Again, THE CARPET IS REPLACEABLE.

  27. eye roll

  28. sigh

  29. It’s a FIVE-minute walk to the beach…yes, you’re right. That’s much too far. How could you be expected to walk that far? You might have to stop and rest on the way there.

  30. Does the husband always wear the same shirt? Gross.

  31. Oh and there she goes with the baby comment again. He is visibly uncomfortable.

  32. Would their baby be tall or short? Hmm.

  33. The master bedroom looks “dated.” What does that even mean?

  34. Does your terrier NEED a large backyard? Have you asked him?

  35. I hate people.

  36. Now the kitchen appliances are too old. Apparently 2005 is too old.

  37. Get some real problems.

  38. Also, just be glad they’re stainless steel.

  39. For your budget, you’re just lucky this house has walls.

  40. Okay, now which one are they going to pick?

  41. None of them seemed like a good option.

  42. I think it’s going to be number one.

  43. Wait what? Number three??

  44. Aww look, they’re all moved in.

  45. Is that a baby bump she has?? No wait, that’s just a bad shirt choice.

  46. What were they thinking with the decor? Is this supposed to be “nursing home chic?”

  47. Ugh.

  48. I’m never watching this stupid show again.

  49. Never.

  50. Okay, fine. There’s nothing better on.

 ***

What show do you love to hate? Do you feel the same way about House Hunters that I do?

Thanks for letting me stop by today. If you enjoyed the sass, you can find more on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or at my blog.

 

 

The Banana Crisis of 2014

Sometimes you wake up and think that it’s going to be a good week.  Then sometimes you wake up, walk into work, and are greeted by a sight so perplexing, it would make Socrates and Plato shake in their teva sandals.

This morning, I was bombarded by an undocumented table full of bananas.

exhibit A.

exhibit A.

I’ve talked openly about my decision to take it upon myself to liberate office fruits from their corporate purgatory, but this task was just too large to surmount.  I was immediately defeated and called Uncle.

No really, I called my uncle and asked him what on God’s green earth I should be doing with all these potassium filled breakfast treats.  A coworker suggested buying a monkey, but I’m trying to get a raise in the near future, and purchasing an office chimp doesn’t seem like a budgetarily sound alternative to a pay increase.

After extensive research, Pea Pod has since admitted their error, and has agreed to take this case on and dub it The Banana Crisis of 2014.

They have informed me that they cannot take the bananas off my hands, so I sent out the following email to my co-workers in an effort to deplete the amount of yellow fruit lurking around the office.

email

necessary company wide email.

 

There have been limited takers, and I am sitting behind a potassium fueled wall with no end in sight.  Thus, I have decided to scour the interwebs and find a home for the nans.

I am on the hunt for any potassium deficient children, rogue monkeys, or anyone who has an upcoming bake sale and a penchant for making really delicious banana bread. 

Also, if you are Jack Johnson, please call me, I can help you out with making those pancakes and pretending it’s the weekend.

Here is a list of potential uses for the aforementioned bananas:

  • eat them
  • banana bread
  • banana nut muffins
  • strawberry banana smoothie
  • banana boomerangs
  • use one or many as a telephone
  • makeshift headbands
  • pretend we are in Jamaica
  • phallic symbols everywhere
  • attract birds and butterflies
  • perfect the peeling technique
  • learn how to appropriately put on a condom
  • play banana jenga
  • have a ripe-off contest
  • attempt the classic banana peel fall as seen in various movies and cartoons
  • use them as alternative smiles and frowns when your face is tired
  • pretend to be monkeys
  • introduce an office-wide scavenger hunt
  • throw them out

***

Help. What would YOU do in this situation?

 

Overheard at the Old Folks Home

I have old people on my mind lately, I should probably look into that.

I have to believe that getting old is essentially like reliving your youth all over again.  No one really cares how you act or what comes out of your mouth.  People just chock up all your ridiculous behavior to the fact that you’ve past your prime and you’re just angry at life not being how it use to be.

And then you get put into a home.  Which I assume is just one big party for the elders.  Unless, of course, you get saddled with a Ben Stiller-esque figure from Billy Madison, then living out your days at Shady Acres is a big, fat, jello-filled nightmare.

But with whatever hormones you have left, I’m sure Barney in room 112 can help you figure out a way to blow off some steam.

I have this vision that old people homes are just like high schools.  There has to be the popular grandmas, that just talk shit about the staff and how they don’t appropriately portion their canned veggies.  Then there are the grandpas who still have movement and can be considered the jocks with the way they work a cribbage board.

For all intents and purposes, we’re going to go with the assumption that my thoughts on old folk living is real, and for that I bring you:

Overheard At The Old Folks Home:

“Oh my God, did you see Earnest this morning?  His hearing aid looks amazing!”

“Lyle’s new wheelchair totally has the hook up, I’m going to go ask him for a ride to the cafeteria.”

“I saw a new shipment of Viagra come in today.  Whoever’s it is, I am sitting next to them at dinner.”

“The girls and I are going to hit up bingo later tonight, put on some lipstick, let’s get lucky!”

“I had a wild night last night, Vern came over and we watch four episodes of Murder, She Wrote, put the guardrails down and snuggled on my hospital bed.”

“Damnit, Beth!  I told you, we wear orthopedic shoes on Wednesday, not Doc Martins.”

“Did you see Don’s shoes?  He totally got insoles.”

“I used to not think Carl was cute, but I just got my prescription renewed, and he doesn’t have nearly as many wrinkles as I thought.”

“I love the way Otis plays cards, he’s got such a good poker face.” “Glenda, I just think his face is stuck like that.”

“I’m sorry, Gladys, I can’t play bridge tonight.  Clancy invited me over to room 222 to play Poker with him and Charles.  I think I’m going to get lucky.”

“What do you mean, I’m being coy? We just stayed up for hours talking and watching the Price Is Right!”

“Honestly, if you don’t find Ellen’s walking cane a total turn on, you must be gay.”

“I mean, we were kissing but then I told her I wanted to rest my eyes, and I woke up the next day.”

“Barbara Walters is a slut.”

“Don just pulled up in a used Plymouth Breeze, I think I’m in love.”

“Earl? Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on between us, he ditched me today to play golf.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not myself today, I haven’t had my prunes.”

“Tracy is a cheat.  She took my answer to 56 across and claimed it was HER idea.”

This is all speculation, of course.  Old people homes could be ruthless elderly penitentiaries, and I’m sitting here thinking it’s T-Birds and Pink Ladies.  I guess I won’t know for another forty years.

But you best believe I’m finding the fastest motorized scooter in that building and making the owner my manfriend.

Apparently Beyonce Couldn’t Find Any Words That Rhyme With Elevator

In case you missed being alive yesterday, the internet almost broke when Beyonce released a remix to her song ‘Flawless,’ and she finally addressed the infamous fight between Jay-Z and Solange.

The only problem was that apparently, she couldn’t find any words that rhymed with elevator, so she just repeated it.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator

Hey, maybe I’m being a little too harsh on the Beester (is that cool, Beyonce fanatics?).  Maybe the repetitive nature of that word was for emphasis.  But just in the rare event that my assumptions about pop culture billionaires are correct, I want to remind Beyonce that there are, in fact, a bunch of words that do rhyme with elevator.

Here is the list of potentially badass alternative lyrics to her verse using words that rhyme (imaginarily copyrighted by yours truly):

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Because my sister is a straight up instigator

Everyone who is anyone  has seen that video and knows that Solange throws the first punch.  Thus, making her a straight up instigator.  Rhyme life, 101.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
I need help, please call the operator

This verse would be plausible because 911 is three numbers and when you’re in the midst of a sister-husband spat, you don’t have time to dial three numbers.  The operator is the clear choice here, with only having to press 0, then voice your safety concerns.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
They buggin’ out, I need an exterminator

Beyonce can use this clever pun about bugs and extermination to illustrate how crazy is got up in that metal box.  What do you do when S and Jay are going  crazy?  Call the only man who can extinguish their asses.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
She stole my shoes, they made of alligator

Classic sister feud here that has gone on a little too long.  Jay Z finally said something because he couldn’t stand to listen to Beyonce complain about Solange stole her alligator shoes back in the day.  Dude just trying to get them heels back for his lady.  Can’t be mad about that.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
This aint my husband, he an impersonator

On the flip side, people are really good at pretending to be people they aren’t.  Have you ever been on Sunset Boulevard? Well, me either, but you bet your bottom dollar that those celebrity impersonators are about as realistic as Kirstie Alley staying away from baked goods.

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
Cause Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Governator

They live in California, Solange doesn’t.  Jay just wanted to air his political grievances in the privacy of the elevator.  Yet, Solange, being the Terminator aficionado that she is, couldn’t let it go.  And then, BOOM, explosion.

Just goes to show that you can have a zillion people making you look good every day, and you still can’t find the help to put together a simple rhyme scheme.  I’m content being poor and making myself look dumb, at least I don’t pay anyone.

How To Determine If You’re Actually An Old Person

Lookin' good, girlfran!

Lookin’ good, girlfran!

If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you may be an old person.

So break out those typewriters, get some chalk and a slate, and let’s talk all talk about all the differences from “when we were your age.”

We’re taking a mental tally and determining if you should be considered a senior citizen and grab yourself a discounted movie ticket!

 You may be an old person if:

  • Your idea of risky behavior is leaving the free square open in a game of bingo
  • Your bedtime is before the nightly news
  • Your concept of dinnertime coincides with the phrase “early bird special”
  • You frequently style your hair with plastic rollers
  • You prefer shoes that are comfortable rather than fashionable
  • You only look at movie times prior to noon
  • You are visually impaired
  • You drive an oversized sedan at a very low speed
  • You wear sunglasses that cover three sides of your face
  • Leftovers is your favorite meal
  • You find yourself using everyday items as a crutch to get you to and from locations
  • You often utilize office equipment (rolly chairs) as transportation devices in order to subsidize your desire to own a motorized scooter
  • The first thing you order at a diner is a bran muffin with extra raisins
  • You hate rap music
  • You substitute common curse words with child-friendly versions
  • You purchase Activia yogurt
  • Your idea of Halloween candy is a cough drop or a Werther’s butterscotch toffee
  • Prunes are a regular part of your dietary routine
  • You constantly find yourself reminiscing on times of when you were someone’s age
  • You find yourself replacing social activities with today’s crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • You are easily angered and perplexed by the internet
  • You find yourself using any excuse to take photos with a physical camera
  • You use the term “rest your eyes” instead of “taking a long ass nap”
  • Your cell phone is not smart
  • You have a coin collection that extends from the spare change in your wallet
  • You live in Florida
  • You live on a golf course
  • You have high cholesterol
  • You’re in a book club that doesn’t read books
  • You misplace everyday objects like your glasses or your pants
  • You have dentures or some sort of teeth protector
  • You opt to pay with a check and don’t understand why people are angry or confused about it
  • You find yourself outfitted in sweaters and slacks when it’s any temperature below 72
  • You yell at children to get off your lawn
  • You’re dead

Or you may just be me and be twenty-five and love wine so much that you’d rather sit at home alone and pantless on a Friday night watching Netflix than go out and be social.

What is your favorite old person stereotype?

Honest Facebook Status Updates

Because this is what people are really thinking:

  • No, I don’t want to play candy crush.  The only candy I crush is Butterfingers, by the bar.
  • I’d love for you to not post another picture of your baby.
  • I’m not bitter about your engagement, I’m just not interested in seeing four hundred pictures of your ring.
  • Please, tell me more about your shitty work day.
  • That screenshot conversation between you and your significant other is stupid.
  • Your political rant does not make you a politician.
  • That’s a lovely picture that you posted that you also took of yourself.
  • I like your dog, I want to take it.
  • Everyone hates Mondays, you’re not alone.
  • Yes, I did know that it is cold outside, because I am alive and wore my down jacket and froze my ass off walking to work.
  • I agree, the 90’s were awesome.
  • That throwback Thursday pic is bangin.
  • Your food looks delicious.
  • Your food looks disgusting.
  • I wish I defriended all of you a long time ago.
  • Why do I have Facebook?
  • Why do you have so many feelings that you feel the need to share via a public forum that you can never retract or delete any of these things?
  • Your life is boring.
  • My life is more boring.
  • I’ve stalked this girl I went to high school with for sixteen minutes.
  • I know you got engaged, I saw your seven hundred photos.
  • Your baby doesn’t look any different between day 14 of life and day 50.

Go forth, my sons, into the land of overexposure.

POST ON!

What do you love to hate about Facebook?

It’s A Blog Hop! Welcome To The Inner Workings Of My Cerebral Cortex.

Because why wouldn't you listen to me? I'M HALF COW.

Because why wouldn’t you listen to me? I’M HALF COW.

It’s like a sock hop, only there’s no dancing and the internet doesn’t have a floor or a school gymnasium. So wear whatever shoes you want, and hey, spike that punch, I’M THIRSTY.

And that title was just a bomb ass excuse to use the phrase ‘cerebral cortex’ in a sentence, because frankly, I don’t really know what it is and I’ve always just jumped at the chance to make myself sound smarter than I really am.

(Read about what a blog hop really is here)

Anyways, Shane over at Virtual Napkins emailed and asked me if I wanted to participate, and I immediately said yes because I am short on friends and anyone that asks me to hang out will probably get a big, fat, resounding YES.

You can read about Shane’s process here.

I’d like to thank Shane for asking me to participate, and apologize to everyone who has to read this and realize that there really is no rhyme or reason to my thinking, and eventually come to the conclusion that I may be certifiably insane and hopelessly addicted to wine.

HERE WE GO!

What am I working on/ writing?

I’m not currently writing anything, unfortunately.  Well, anything of substance.  I freelance and contribute to various sites around the internet, but other than that, PUBLISHERS, FEEL FREE TO HOLLA AT ME.  In other words, I can be bought.

How does my work/writing differ from others in its genre?

In all honestly, I don’t think I am special.  Well, I do think I’m special, but that’s only because my mother told me I was.  But, really, I think I just have an honest and refreshing perspective on topics that have almost been beaten to the ground.  When I am passionate about something, I tend to articulate what I want to say very well.  And talking about the problems, scenarios, and triumphs of a poor girl working in a big city is my specialty.  Plus, self-deprecation and the ability to make light of the shit you did when you were younger is a huge part in not taking yourself seriously and making other people laugh.  Laughter is the universal language of fun, and when people have fun, they tend to give you things like money and slice and bake cookies.

Why do I write what I do?

I like to complain a lot – Twitter only allows 140 characters, and Facebook has too many feelings, so I just like to unload all my thoughts and pictures of when I was ugly here.  I write a lot of what goes on in my head, and try to make it as ornate and relatable as possible.  And if it’s not ornate or relatable, it’s because I’m weird. I’m not a unique person, in fact, I am pretty plain, so taking something that happened to me and being objective about it will most likely produce a relatable piece of work.  Emphasis on most likely.

How does my writing process work?

I take conversations and scenarios from my everyday life and embellish them beyond belief.  Writing from experience is a tried and true process for me.  I think of an idea and I just word vomit all over the page. When I’m done, I take five minutes, watch a couple Jimmy Fallon youtube vids, and go back and edit it to make sure it doesn’t sound like a baby alpaca just decided to spit all over the place.

Now, onto the next ones!  The following bloggers have agreed to carry the torch and let you know how they write what they do!

Grace over at Falling From Grace will be participating and you’re in for a treat.  This girl is hilarious, honest, and offers a unique take on life as a twenty-something.  Plus, she’s pretty much best friends with Queen Frostine from Candyland, and has a VIP access card to most buffets around the nation.

Jake from Routine Dreamer will also be participating and he’s just a gem.  Like maybe a rare gemstone like amethyst or quartz.  Are those even rare?  I don’t know.  But this kid has tons of insight on today’s world and it’s very refreshing.  Did I mention he uses proper grammar?  Yeah, check it out.

Do you have a writing process?

BREAKING NEWS: TODAY IS NATIONAL HOT DOG DAY

PALMED IT

PALMED IT

Hot dogs are like real dogs, they’re man’s best friend.  Or they’re like your favorite uncle that comes into town and everyone wants to hang out because it’s a special treat.  He’s part of the food family, but not immediate like chicken or ham.

He’s the mystery meat.  No one really knows how he’s related to you, but you’re so intrigued you’ll stand there with an empty beer and talk to him about absolutely nothing for an hour.

In honor of National Hot Dog Day, here’s a list of why the dog is better than the burg, and why you should drop everything right now and google map the crap out of the nearest stand:

  • There’s an obvious sexual innuendo, which is always fun, gratifying, and awkward at family gatherings with small children
  • They fit perfectly into one hand, leaving your other hand free for a choco taco or a beverage of your choosing
  • You don’t need two, but you can have more than one without being considered overindulgent
  • Uni-buns.  No top and bottoms for this guy
  • They’re mysterious, you never really know what’s in them, and you don’t want to, because then you’d never come back for more
  • They’re seasonal, yet always an option
  • They’re versatile: grill, steam, boil, or microwave
  • Great for sporting events
  • You don’t need garnish
  • Particularly great when paired with other foods like mac and cheese
  • Frank is both a strong boy’s name and a food group
  • An alternative to the traditional BBQ food
  • But not too much like the veggie burger
  • No one ever said, “Hey, you should stop eating those hot dogs”
  • Variations appear in all meals: sausages and street meat
  • Great for both lunch and dinner
  • Man’s best friend
  • Chilli dogs win wars and cure cancer
  • Condiments are a statement AND an accessory AND a reflection on your personality
  • Easy to walk and eat at the same time
  • You won’t look dumb at a sporting event
  • It’s big enough for a meal and small enough for a snack
  • You don’t have to limit yourself to one part of the animal because you never really know where it comes from
  • If you’re dangerous, go without the bun
  • Good for kids and adults alike
  • You’re never too old to eat a hot dog
  • Everyone loves dick jokes

Frankly, if you don’t enjoy a frank on a hot day, I don’t want to know you as a person.

Happy National Hot Dog Day!

Thanks to Katie (@katiebresnahan) for helping me compile this delicious list and for also seeking out and doing a dog chow down on my lunch break.

What do you think is the best thing about hot dogs?