The ABC’s of Working In An Office

BangHead

I need this. ASAP.

You know, because since you’re not in school anymore, and I need to show you that the alphabet is still relevant.

Or something like that.

And since everyone will inevitably take the leap from sheer joy in college to utter madness in corporate life, I’ve taken the time to write down twenty-six letter-correlating words relating to working in an office.

If you don’t work in an office, feel free to take the this time to read some of my other posts that may be more relatable, email me about all of your problems, or maybe figure out a way to build me a teleport so I can finally get myself to the Amalfi Coast.

Here are the ABC’S of Working In An Office:

A – Awkward Small Talk. Get used to talking about the weather, things in your general area, or the G version of your weekend.

B – Bitching. Clients suck. Accounts suck. Creative people suck. Deadlines suck. Bosses suck. Mondays suck. Working sucks.  

C – Caffeine. Pick your poison, coffee, soda, tea, or tequila. Whatever it is, make some room for a full-fledged addiction, headaches galore that only some ground up Colombian beans can fix. Oh, and if you kill it, you fill it. Don’t be a dick.

D – Dress Code. From suits and ties to jeans and button ups, make sure you follow the rules.

E – Email. Don’t use a silly font. Be basic, bitch.

F – Free Stuff. Client gifts are the best. Who doesn’t love a free tray of cookies or an endless supply of hot pink camo lanyards?

G – GChat. It’s your friend. It’s your family. It’s your life.

H – Happy Hour. And the reason you get up every morning to make it until Friday. It’s the greatest time of the week and a final release into the wild weekend.

I – Internet. No explanation needed.

J – Jealousy. You will have so much hatred for someone with a better lunch than you.

K – Kitchen. Don’t touch my food. Label everything or don’t expect it to be waiting for you.

L – Lunch. Your internal clock will be set, and then it will be messed up. You’ll either eat at 12pm, or you won’t eat at all.

M – Mugs. And you’re going to be territorial over them, too.  Once you find a mug that perfectly holds all your hot beverages, place an imaginary stamp on it and let your coworkers know that it is no longer open for the beverage business, that shit is yours.

N – New Hires. Be nice, being the new kid is scary. And it doesn’t get easier when you’re an adult.

O – Open Space. Didn’t think you were a loud talker? Think you are sneaky with how many times a day you check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and GChat? Think again, open space is the new thing, there are no walls, and there is nowhere for you to hide.

P – Productivity. Make sure you get your shit done and stuff.

Q – Quiet. Bring headphones. Not everyone likes to listen to Hip Hop classics at 9am on a Wednesday. Unless they do, then you should never leave that office environment.

R – Relationships. A good rule of thumb: Professional = Great Idea. Platonic = Good Idea. Romantic = Extremely/Horribly/Terribly Bad Idea.

S – Sick Days. Quote, unquote.

T – Teams. The people you work with. Hopefully you like them. Either way, you’re stuck with them. #GroupProjectsDontEndInCollege

U – Unproductive. And the reason that I wrote this blog. Be prepared for finding any and all excuses to avoid doing actual work, you never knew you needed to run to Starbucks more than three times in a day.

V – Vacation. Don’t you dare bother me with work emails.

W – Work Hard, Play Hard. A good motto. Don’t forget to have fun. Life is short.

X – This letter is stupid.

Y – Yawns. The two-o’clock feeling is real. Siestas and nap time is not.

Z – Zen. When you leave the office.

 

 

 

 

The Banana Crisis of 2014

Sometimes you wake up and think that it’s going to be a good week.  Then sometimes you wake up, walk into work, and are greeted by a sight so perplexing, it would make Socrates and Plato shake in their teva sandals.

This morning, I was bombarded by an undocumented table full of bananas.

exhibit A.

exhibit A.

I’ve talked openly about my decision to take it upon myself to liberate office fruits from their corporate purgatory, but this task was just too large to surmount.  I was immediately defeated and called Uncle.

No really, I called my uncle and asked him what on God’s green earth I should be doing with all these potassium filled breakfast treats.  A coworker suggested buying a monkey, but I’m trying to get a raise in the near future, and purchasing an office chimp doesn’t seem like a budgetarily sound alternative to a pay increase.

After extensive research, Pea Pod has since admitted their error, and has agreed to take this case on and dub it The Banana Crisis of 2014.

They have informed me that they cannot take the bananas off my hands, so I sent out the following email to my co-workers in an effort to deplete the amount of yellow fruit lurking around the office.

email

necessary company wide email.

 

There have been limited takers, and I am sitting behind a potassium fueled wall with no end in sight.  Thus, I have decided to scour the interwebs and find a home for the nans.

I am on the hunt for any potassium deficient children, rogue monkeys, or anyone who has an upcoming bake sale and a penchant for making really delicious banana bread. 

Also, if you are Jack Johnson, please call me, I can help you out with making those pancakes and pretending it’s the weekend.

Here is a list of potential uses for the aforementioned bananas:

  • eat them
  • banana bread
  • banana nut muffins
  • strawberry banana smoothie
  • banana boomerangs
  • use one or many as a telephone
  • makeshift headbands
  • pretend we are in Jamaica
  • phallic symbols everywhere
  • attract birds and butterflies
  • perfect the peeling technique
  • learn how to appropriately put on a condom
  • play banana jenga
  • have a ripe-off contest
  • attempt the classic banana peel fall as seen in various movies and cartoons
  • use them as alternative smiles and frowns when your face is tired
  • pretend to be monkeys
  • introduce an office-wide scavenger hunt
  • throw them out

***

Help. What would YOU do in this situation?