The Banana Crisis of 2014

Sometimes you wake up and think that it’s going to be a good week.  Then sometimes you wake up, walk into work, and are greeted by a sight so perplexing, it would make Socrates and Plato shake in their teva sandals.

This morning, I was bombarded by an undocumented table full of bananas.

exhibit A.

exhibit A.

I’ve talked openly about my decision to take it upon myself to liberate office fruits from their corporate purgatory, but this task was just too large to surmount.  I was immediately defeated and called Uncle.

No really, I called my uncle and asked him what on God’s green earth I should be doing with all these potassium filled breakfast treats.  A coworker suggested buying a monkey, but I’m trying to get a raise in the near future, and purchasing an office chimp doesn’t seem like a budgetarily sound alternative to a pay increase.

After extensive research, Pea Pod has since admitted their error, and has agreed to take this case on and dub it The Banana Crisis of 2014.

They have informed me that they cannot take the bananas off my hands, so I sent out the following email to my co-workers in an effort to deplete the amount of yellow fruit lurking around the office.


necessary company wide email.


There have been limited takers, and I am sitting behind a potassium fueled wall with no end in sight.  Thus, I have decided to scour the interwebs and find a home for the nans.

I am on the hunt for any potassium deficient children, rogue monkeys, or anyone who has an upcoming bake sale and a penchant for making really delicious banana bread. 

Also, if you are Jack Johnson, please call me, I can help you out with making those pancakes and pretending it’s the weekend.

Here is a list of potential uses for the aforementioned bananas:

  • eat them
  • banana bread
  • banana nut muffins
  • strawberry banana smoothie
  • banana boomerangs
  • use one or many as a telephone
  • makeshift headbands
  • pretend we are in Jamaica
  • phallic symbols everywhere
  • attract birds and butterflies
  • perfect the peeling technique
  • learn how to appropriately put on a condom
  • play banana jenga
  • have a ripe-off contest
  • attempt the classic banana peel fall as seen in various movies and cartoons
  • use them as alternative smiles and frowns when your face is tired
  • pretend to be monkeys
  • introduce an office-wide scavenger hunt
  • throw them out


Help. What would YOU do in this situation?


8 thoughts on “The Banana Crisis of 2014

  1. Bahahaha this is fantastic! If I lived closer I’d steal some! I put ripe bananas in my freezer and then use them in smoothies – that way they function as ice and sweet stuff!

Talk is cheap, but I'm on a budget anyway...

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