Lists

Things That Are More Important Than The Next Royal Baby

Or, if you were alive last week, Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress.  Because that was totally monumental and headline worthy.

Oh no, I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

Aside from real world problems and issues like genocide, civil warfare, and the ongoing conflicts in the Middle East, there are a number of things that are more interesting and relatively important than the soon-to-be birth of the second royal baby.

Plus, we have nine whole months of “baby bump” monitoring before we even see what the thing looks like.  So, instead of getting all your panties in a bunch over Kate Middleton’s fetus, you should maybe table your investment until month eight, and save your sanity.

Here is a list of things that you can do within the next nine months instead of caring about an unborn royal child that isn’t even related to you and never will know who you are in any capacity:

 

  • Try everything on the Taco Bell breakfast menu
  • Drink infinity magnum bottles of wine
  • Watch most of the CSI reruns on Spike
  • Nap
  • Try lowering America’s obesity problem
  • Learn how not to be socially awkward
  • Figure out how to talk to adults
  • Pay rent on your apartment
  • Take a shower
  • Come up with a word other than ‘baby bump’ to describe pregnancy
  • Make sure you eat three square meals a day
  • Read the entire series of Game of Thrones
  • Then watch the television show to compare plot lines and accuracy
  • Watch three seasons come and go
  • Hike the Appalachian Trail
  • Drive across country
  • Learn to play a new sport
  • Exercise
  • Get someone at an old folks home to remember your name
  • Go back to grade school
  • Grow a plant
  • Break a bone and watch it heal
  • Pick up a skill like basket weaving, knitting, or caring about other people
  • Watch your hair grow out and then chop it off
  • Make a new friend
  • Wait for the new iPhone to come out
  • Learn to type without looking at the keyboard
  • Try as many new restaurants as possible
  • Rearrange all the furniture in your apartment
  • Get pregnant and have a kid you will/should actually care about

… Just some thoughts.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Going Back To School

“Back to school, back to school, to prove to my dad I am not a fool.” – Billy Madison

After a long summer of doing absolutely nothing but laying by the pool, having bonfires, and ignoring your parents’ curfew, you finally have to bite the bullet and go back to academic prison stifling your sleep schedule, fun schedule, and happiness schedule.

I have a job where I don’t use either of my degrees.  I’m not bitter.  I’m not mad about the debt that I’ve racked up over the course of my six years of higher education.  But aside from my passive aggressive attempt to displace my stupidity at not pursuing the career I originally wanted, I do have some serious FOMO (“fear of missing out” for those acronymly challenged people) when it comes to going back to school.

I’d like to say I’d do more than one thing differently.

Judging by my extensive time spent in various higher education institutions, and my penchant for talking for the sake of talking, I’ve compiled this list of things you should and shouldn’t do when it comes to going to college.

DISCLAIMER: In no way, shape, or form, should you take these statements as  fact, absolute truths, or completely applicable to everyday life.  I am questionably insane and still eat poptarts and wine for dinner. 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Going Back To School:

  •  Make sure you research your roommates, there’s nothing like finding out your roommate hates the way you chew and refuses to let you eat Jolly Ranchers in her presence
  • Get dressed for class, looking presentable is acceptable in the real world, it’s also appreciated in college
  • Pick out your first day of school outfit.  First impressions are real.
  • Get a white noise machine, your roommate will probably snore, and it will probably be loud, and you probably won’t sleep very well
  • Prepare to sleep talk, it’s totally normal, and definitely not something that is unique to myself
  • Wear flip flops in the communal showers, boys are gross, girls are disgusting
  • Stock up on extension cords, you will most likely only have one outlet for 3 people
  • Understand that you may not be best friends with your roommate, you may actually hate them
  • Be aware that you may become best friends with your roommate, and that is awesome
  • Know that all you can eat dining halls exist
  • So does the freshman fifteen
  • And the freshman thirty
  • Avoid the gym after January 1st, it’s filled with people who resolve to change their bodies with the turn of the new year
  • Go to the gym after January 15th, at this point, all these new years resolutions have dissolved
  • Beer is your friend, but it will make you fat
  • Vodka is your friend, but it will make you really drunk
  • Heels are not your friend, they will make you fall over
  • Prepare to lose your keys or ID card once every year
  • Accommodate for the fact that your meal plan will run out, bring tupperware
  • Free is always good, find the events on campus and attack them (not maliciously)
  • Join a club, a sorority, or a sports team, you will make better friends
  • The people on your floor may be weird, accept them
  • Attempt to study abroad, living in another country is a culturally rich experience
  • Don’t stay up for hours watching To Catch A Predator marathons instead of going out, it gives off a weird vibe
  • Indulge in naps, they are totally and utterly acceptable
  • Read the rules of the dorms, don’t get fined for having hideous, floor length, denim curtains because they’re a fire hazard
  • Go to the sports events, even if you hate sports, camaraderie is real, even if your school sucks
  • Don’t buy books at the bookstore, there are far better places to rent them for the semester, and then you’re not stuck with a $200 Biology textbook with a frog on the cover
  • If you do buy your textbooks, sell them on Amazon
  • But don’t buy your textbooks, split them with a friend in class, sharing is caring
  • Get used to walking, if you’re at a big school, learn the bus routes, if you’re at a small school, that sucks
  • Don’t leave your drink out in the open, roofies are real
  • Dress the way you want, college is one of the only times you can get away with wearing a short, tight dress on a Wednesday without people thinking you’re a streetwalker

Above all, enjoy these four years, it’s the last chance you’ll get to live without rules and not have to pay rent.  Living on your own is a blessing, but getting up for work is mandatory, so take advantage of skipping classes with little to no repercussions.

What are pieces of advice YOU recommend for college?

The ABCs of Boredom

Bored_Cat_Is_Bored

Because I was definitely not bored when I made this list:

A – And, I need a nap.  A long nap.  Even a short nap will do.

B – Biting my nails.

C – Craigslist.  Just to see what’s for free… or for sale… or who missed a connection.

D – DOODLING!

E – Eating so much food even though I’m not hungry.

F – Facebook stalking so well that I could get hired by the FBI.

G – Googling random facts to up my trivia IQ.

H – How many of my feet could fit inside Shaq’s shoe?

I – Is it Friday? Oh, it’s Saturday?  Crap.

J – Justifying my Pinterest addiction with having extra time.

K – Kidding, I don’t have extra time, I’m just actively avoiding doing things I don’t want to do.

L – Lunch time.  It’s almost lunch time.

M -Making lists just so I can cross off things I’ve already accomplished.

N – Netflix, just give me what I want.  Become a crystal ball.

O – On the seventh day, God created boredom.  I think?  Or maybe he was bored and that’s why he created Sunday.  Someone please clarify.

P – Pretending to do something in order to look busy.

Q – Questionable search history may lead to termination.

R – Red wine, in my belly, soon, please. Yes.

S – Sporcle.com

T – Texting.  Texting anyone who will respond to me.  Someone, please respond to me.

U – Underestimated how long it would take to write this list.

V – Very tempted to clean something.  But not.

W – When is an appropriate time to have another snack?

X – X is a stupid letter.

Y – Yesterday went by so much quicker.

Z – Zen, bitches.

What do you do when you’re bored?

50 Thoughts I Have While Watching House Hunters

IT’S A GUEST POST, Y’ALL.  HOP ON THE VIRTUAL FRIEND WAGON AND SEE WHAT’S IN STORE TODAY.  

I’m not southern, in the slightest, but that just seemed to fit so wonderfully.  

Anyways, I am thrilled to announce to the interwebs that I have found someone who shares the same brain capacity as myself – I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not – and is obsessed with HGTV and all it’s DIY filled glory that normal humans (even those with Pinterest accounts) will never be able to achieve.

Take it away, Taylor!

Hi, my name is Taylor and I blog over at Pinstripes & Lipgloss. I’m not sure if Meg is still busy trying to find a purpose for the multitude of fruit that has graced her office or trying to open a stubborn box of wine, but today you’re stuck with me instead.

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Like Meg, I enjoy a good HGTV show now and then (“now and then” defined as “way too often for someone in their 20’s”). My favorite of HGTV’s offerings is House Hunters. A true classic, House Hunters always promises 30 minutes of houses I can’t afford, bad kitchen cabinetry, and people who will probably later regret that they ever agreed to be on television.

Today I’m going to share with you the thoughts I have when I watch House Hunters, because there is nothing more interesting than reading the thoughts of a random person you have just virtually met (except for organizing your sock drawer).

tumblr_m7hrr4dJdv1rzsvv3o1_500

… WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!

 

  1. They seem like a nice couple.

  2. Wait, they’re newlyweds? Oh, no. They’re the worst.

  3. Did she just mention starting a family? His face says that’s the first time she’s brought it up. Awkward.

  4. Well I guess they can use those five bedrooms for his jam sessions with his bros if the whole kid thing doesn’t work out.

  5. Their budget is $200k. In the middle of Miami? Good luck finding a cardboard box 20 miles from the beach.

  6. They also want a backyard that faces northeast, a kitchen with stainless steel appliances, AND a pool. I can’t even.

  7. Even the realtor knows this is ridiculous.

  8. This first house seems nice. I’d live there.

  9. The living room isn’t big enough for them? Are they wanting it to double as an indoor football arena?

  10. They like everything in the kitchen but the cabinetry…last time I checked, that’s removable.

  11. “Bob, I don’t know if we can live without a pool.” Wow can you say #firstworldproblems?

  12. This second house might be more promising. It has a pool.

  13. The paint color? Really? HAVE YOU EVER USED A PAINTBRUSH IT IS NOT THAT HARD

  14. It doesn’t have a fireplace because you didn’t ask your realtor for one. Your bad. You can’t have everything.

  15. Is it really necessary for both of you to stand in the shower and make sure you fit?

  16. Typical newlyweds.

  17. I’m uncomfortable.

  18. I’m almost more uncomfortable about the fact that she has that haircut and somehow she was married before me.

  19. The realtor just made this worse by laughing at his shower joke.

  20. Eew.

  21. If this closet were any bigger, I’d think they wanted to hide dead bodies or something.

  22. He’s wearing tube socks and khakis. He seems like the type that would.

  23. Do they let serial killers on this show? I suppose they’d have no way of knowing.

  24. Alright, house number three. Maybe this is going to be the one.

  25. She’s already complaining about the siding. Maybe not.

  26. Again, THE CARPET IS REPLACEABLE.

  27. eye roll

  28. sigh

  29. It’s a FIVE-minute walk to the beach…yes, you’re right. That’s much too far. How could you be expected to walk that far? You might have to stop and rest on the way there.

  30. Does the husband always wear the same shirt? Gross.

  31. Oh and there she goes with the baby comment again. He is visibly uncomfortable.

  32. Would their baby be tall or short? Hmm.

  33. The master bedroom looks “dated.” What does that even mean?

  34. Does your terrier NEED a large backyard? Have you asked him?

  35. I hate people.

  36. Now the kitchen appliances are too old. Apparently 2005 is too old.

  37. Get some real problems.

  38. Also, just be glad they’re stainless steel.

  39. For your budget, you’re just lucky this house has walls.

  40. Okay, now which one are they going to pick?

  41. None of them seemed like a good option.

  42. I think it’s going to be number one.

  43. Wait what? Number three??

  44. Aww look, they’re all moved in.

  45. Is that a baby bump she has?? No wait, that’s just a bad shirt choice.

  46. What were they thinking with the decor? Is this supposed to be “nursing home chic?”

  47. Ugh.

  48. I’m never watching this stupid show again.

  49. Never.

  50. Okay, fine. There’s nothing better on.

 ***

What show do you love to hate? Do you feel the same way about House Hunters that I do?

Thanks for letting me stop by today. If you enjoyed the sass, you can find more on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or at my blog.

 

 

The Banana Crisis of 2014

Sometimes you wake up and think that it’s going to be a good week.  Then sometimes you wake up, walk into work, and are greeted by a sight so perplexing, it would make Socrates and Plato shake in their teva sandals.

This morning, I was bombarded by an undocumented table full of bananas.

exhibit A.

exhibit A.

I’ve talked openly about my decision to take it upon myself to liberate office fruits from their corporate purgatory, but this task was just too large to surmount.  I was immediately defeated and called Uncle.

No really, I called my uncle and asked him what on God’s green earth I should be doing with all these potassium filled breakfast treats.  A coworker suggested buying a monkey, but I’m trying to get a raise in the near future, and purchasing an office chimp doesn’t seem like a budgetarily sound alternative to a pay increase.

After extensive research, Pea Pod has since admitted their error, and has agreed to take this case on and dub it The Banana Crisis of 2014.

They have informed me that they cannot take the bananas off my hands, so I sent out the following email to my co-workers in an effort to deplete the amount of yellow fruit lurking around the office.

email

necessary company wide email.

 

There have been limited takers, and I am sitting behind a potassium fueled wall with no end in sight.  Thus, I have decided to scour the interwebs and find a home for the nans.

I am on the hunt for any potassium deficient children, rogue monkeys, or anyone who has an upcoming bake sale and a penchant for making really delicious banana bread. 

Also, if you are Jack Johnson, please call me, I can help you out with making those pancakes and pretending it’s the weekend.

Here is a list of potential uses for the aforementioned bananas:

  • eat them
  • banana bread
  • banana nut muffins
  • strawberry banana smoothie
  • banana boomerangs
  • use one or many as a telephone
  • makeshift headbands
  • pretend we are in Jamaica
  • phallic symbols everywhere
  • attract birds and butterflies
  • perfect the peeling technique
  • learn how to appropriately put on a condom
  • play banana jenga
  • have a ripe-off contest
  • attempt the classic banana peel fall as seen in various movies and cartoons
  • use them as alternative smiles and frowns when your face is tired
  • pretend to be monkeys
  • introduce an office-wide scavenger hunt
  • throw them out

***

Help. What would YOU do in this situation?

 

How To Determine If You’re Actually An Old Person

Lookin' good, girlfran!

Lookin’ good, girlfran!

If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you may be an old person.

So break out those typewriters, get some chalk and a slate, and let’s talk all talk about all the differences from “when we were your age.”

We’re taking a mental tally and determining if you should be considered a senior citizen and grab yourself a discounted movie ticket!

 You may be an old person if:

  • Your idea of risky behavior is leaving the free square open in a game of bingo
  • Your bedtime is before the nightly news
  • Your concept of dinnertime coincides with the phrase “early bird special”
  • You frequently style your hair with plastic rollers
  • You prefer shoes that are comfortable rather than fashionable
  • You only look at movie times prior to noon
  • You are visually impaired
  • You drive an oversized sedan at a very low speed
  • You wear sunglasses that cover three sides of your face
  • Leftovers is your favorite meal
  • You find yourself using everyday items as a crutch to get you to and from locations
  • You often utilize office equipment (rolly chairs) as transportation devices in order to subsidize your desire to own a motorized scooter
  • The first thing you order at a diner is a bran muffin with extra raisins
  • You hate rap music
  • You substitute common curse words with child-friendly versions
  • You purchase Activia yogurt
  • Your idea of Halloween candy is a cough drop or a Werther’s butterscotch toffee
  • Prunes are a regular part of your dietary routine
  • You constantly find yourself reminiscing on times of when you were someone’s age
  • You find yourself replacing social activities with today’s crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • You are easily angered and perplexed by the internet
  • You find yourself using any excuse to take photos with a physical camera
  • You use the term “rest your eyes” instead of “taking a long ass nap”
  • Your cell phone is not smart
  • You have a coin collection that extends from the spare change in your wallet
  • You live in Florida
  • You live on a golf course
  • You have high cholesterol
  • You’re in a book club that doesn’t read books
  • You misplace everyday objects like your glasses or your pants
  • You have dentures or some sort of teeth protector
  • You opt to pay with a check and don’t understand why people are angry or confused about it
  • You find yourself outfitted in sweaters and slacks when it’s any temperature below 72
  • You yell at children to get off your lawn
  • You’re dead

Or you may just be me and be twenty-five and love wine so much that you’d rather sit at home alone and pantless on a Friday night watching Netflix than go out and be social.

What is your favorite old person stereotype?

SkyMall Power Rankings: My Top 5 Family Friendly Products

Everyone who is anyone knows I have a serious obsession with SkyMall.

Well, lucky for me, they have a new contest out, and I could win the $500 gift card of my dreams if I vote for the best family friendly product the mile-high conglomerate has to offer.

But why, more importantly, HOW do I pick just one?  I mean this magazine is chock full of fun for everyone, I just can’t narrow it down.  It’s like when my mom asked me which birthday present I wanted to open first, and I just said, “All of them.”

Anyways, here is my list of the top 5 family friendly products:

5.  Cabana Islander

cabana

For those who can’t afford a personal private island, this is a must have second tier option.  Float in your pool, a lake, or the ocean and feel the breeze through magnificent cross ventilation due to the lack of doors.  But there’s a cooler!  Someone call Tom Hanks and tell him and Wilson to give me a credit card, because avoiding Helen Hunt for four years just got way more comfortable.

4.  Pushi Pushi Raincoat

push

If your dog isn’t wearing a raincoat, than you’re not doing enough to treat him or her like a human.  Dogs cannot, under any circumstances be left to face the elements unprotected.  It’s a little known fact that they will actually melt if water so much as touches their face.  Protect your dog, protect your life.

3.  Self-Watering Planters

plant

I can’t even remember to shower every day, how am I supposed to be responsible for the lifeline of a plant outside my door?  I am only concerned with things within a five foot radius of my person, it’s a personal bubble.  Sorry, ficus, you must water yourself.  Evolution is the key to success in life, adapt and move on, plants.

2.  Cam-O-Bunk

bunk

Sleepovers anywhere, anytime, anyplace.  Ever want to go to sleep but you’re worried about how you’re going to fit two people in such a small area?  Have no fear!  Just pop up this camo-bunk and not only will you be channelling Bear Grylls in the sheets (not dirty, get your mind out of the gutter) but you’ll be dreaming sweet vignettes of undercover covert ops, transforming your back yard into a slumbering battlezone.  Sleep on, soldier.

1.  Vinnibag

vin

I don’t know why I would even have to explain the importance of safe alcohol travel, but alas, I will.  Not only has alcohol manufacturing not evolved to adapt to the clumsiness of people like me who tend to have sweaty palms in awkward situations (that also tend to require alcohol), but bottles drop, glass breaks.  But not anymore, protect your bottle from damage with this inflatable protective bag. You can also use it for olive oil, but come on, wine is way more important than lubing up your pan for a piece of chicken.

There you have it, folks.  The definitive list of all things great in the family friendly production realm.  I’d like to thank SkyMall for its continued efforts in curating high quality, unique items for sale in the mile high skies.

I am forever entertained, and always excited to see what is in the next issue.

Stay classy, Internet.

Do you have a favorite SkyMall product?

How To Insult People: Game Of Thrones Edition

JonSnow020513

… and he knows nothing.

Are you ever in the midst of a battle of words and you just don’t know what to say?

Do you often find yourself searching your brain for the best insult, yet the only rebuttal you use is either “Your mom” or “That’s what she said?”

Well, my friend, you are in luck!  Because not only should everyone be well read in the game of insults, everyone should also be well read in The Game of Thrones!

Seriously, those books are fire flames, and Jon Snow is my literary husband and trueborn soulmate.  He just doesn’t know it yet, because he’s not real or on the same continent as me.

I digress.

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS BUT I DON’T GIVE A SHIT CAUSE I’VE READ THE BOOKS AND AM CLEARLY A SUPERIOR BEING. 

Here is how to insult people, Game of Thrones style:

  • Go back to your home on The Eyrie!
  • You’re so ugly, you look in the mirror and see Tyrion’s face.
  • You’re so poor, you don’t even have an account at the Iron Bank of Braavos.
  • You breastfed until you were eleven!
  • If I could throw you out a moon door, I would.
  • You’re so nasty that if you were a warg, all you could turn into was a piece of shit.
  • Your best friend is Moon Boy, you peasant.
  • I hate you so much, I would get the Tyrells to poison you.
  • You’re so ugly, Theon Greyjoy wouldn’t even take you for a salt wife.
  • You’re not even trueborn, bastard.
  • I’ll Ned Stark your ass.
  • Your sister is more of a man than you.
  • Varys has more sex than you.
  • I hope you have a red wedding.
  • The Starks have better luck than you.
  • You couldn’t hire a sellsword for a trial by combat.
  • I would marry you to Joffrey Baratheon if I could.
  • Melisandre would burn you at the stake.
  • Your face is uglier than the Hound’s.
  • You have sex with your sister.
  • Sansa Stark could beat you in a fight.
  • Your parents are blood relatives.
  • You fight with a wooden sword.
  • Hodor has a better vocabulary than you.
  • You’re as handy as Jaime Lannister.
  • Slaves don’t even listen to you.
  • You’re more in the closet than Loras Tyrell.
  • I hope dragons fry all your livestock to a crisp.
  • Unsullied have bigger penises that you.
  • No one would pay ransom for you.
  • You’re so worthless, the Night’s Watch wouldn’t even take you.
  • Samwell Tarley can run faster than you.
  • Aemon Targaryen has better eyesight than you.
  • Your teeth are so big, a Dothraki wouldn’t even ride you.
  • You’re so deep in the friend zone, Jorah Mormont feels bad for you.
  • You’re so dumb, they should cut your tongue out so you can’t speak.
  • You’re as hard as Theon Greyjoy.
  • You know less than Jon Snow.

Special thanks to Bryan (@BesusHChrist) and Matt (@mmang0), both of whom feverishly fired insults at me to fatten up my list.

What’s your favorite insult?

Fourth of Ju-LIES.

Happy Independence Day, America!

Here are some lies you can tell to all your friends today while you’re BBQing and drinking and being merry:

  • I’m not drunk.
  • This burger isn’t charcoaled to death.
  • I like your mother.
  • You look great in that dress.
  • No, I don’t mind driving.
  • I love traffic.
  • It’s a great day to go for a run.
  • Sure, I’d love to stop drinking.
  • A house without air conditioning is completely acceptable.
  • I don’t need any coffee, I’ll just wake up naturally.
  • I love wearing shoes that are a little too small.
  • You’re right, I don’t want to eat fourteen hot dogs today.
  • Fireworks are dumb.
  • I can name all of the presidents of the United States.
  • It’s totally cool that you wore non-patriotic colors to this party.
  • Parades are awesome.
  • If you asked me which square state was Kansas, I could tell you.
  • I love that there are small children at this adult gathering.
  • Could you please put your baby closer to my ear and let him scream in it?
  • Yes, I would love to babysit.
  • Sometimes, I could count my caloric intake and not be upset about it.
  • No thanks, I don’t want another beer.
  • I’d love to give you my sunglasses since you were too aloof to remember yours.
  • Those pants don’t make you look fat.
  • I love my wife.
  • I love my husband.
  • I love my children.
  • I love politics.
  • I hate my dog.
  • I wish I had less money.
  • Vacations are stupid, let’s all just work forever.
  • Hold on, I am overjoyed to answer this work email on a national holiday.
  • No, I didn’t forget to put on sunscreen, my skin just tends to run a little red.
  • I understand what the fourth of July means to America, and it’s not about beer and bbqs.
  • I have a very sound understanding of European geography.
  • I could name all fifty states and capitols.
  • Everyone can count to ten in spanish.
  • I broke 1000 on my SATs.
  • Luckily, I got into the college I wanted.
  • My friends don’t think I’m a jackass.
  • I’m really good looking.
  • People don’t know it, but I’m exactly where I want to be in life.
  • I wish my grandparents would come and lecture me on what independence really means.

Happy Fourth! Hope you don’t actually tell any lies, but have a great time with friends and family!!

The (real) 10 Reasons I Never Had A Boyfriend

If you’re reading this hoping I’ll finally come out as a lesbian after all these years, I’m sorry for your inevitable disappointment.  I do, in fact, still like men.  A lot.

Recently, I expressed my differentiating opinions on the things everyone thinks on their first date, and I figured it was time that I responded to another article.  This one is not nearly as ridiculous, and I don’t think this girl is crazy, rather she is just not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Thought Catalog tends to post uplifting, motivating articles about feminist pride, relationships, and confidence boosting lists.  And yes, I love it.  I’m completely guilty of going forty pages back on my lunch break, having my eyes glued to the screen wondering what the Eight Ways to Make A Failing Relationship Work While You’re Living In A Treehouse could possibly be.

But my friends, I am also a realist, a truth teller, and a lover of self-deprecating humor.

I read this article and identified with it.  I liked her reasons, but felt they lacked authenticity and anecdotal support from the late bloomer’s perspective.

So, I am here to save the day (not really), and embarrass myself beyond all belief when I tell you the real ten reasons I never had a boyfriend.

1.  I was ugly. 

I’ve talked about myself being a late bloomer many times.  I am not joking, if I could invent the teleport I would go back to 200-2009 and slap myself in the face every single day for nine years.  A girl that looks like she was just attacked by her brother’s wardrobe and willingly went to a school dance afterwards will not get a boyfriend.

Oh, but she has such a good personality!  Save it.  We all know that doesn’t have any weight in the game of puberty.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

2.  I have a resting bitch face.

Apparently, I am unapproachable because I look pissed off all the time.  I guess people tend to stay away from girls that look like they are going to murder your first born or steal your puppy if your leave it outside while you’re in line at Starbucks getting your $14 frappe venti mochacochalino.

3.  My best friend was better looking than me.

And I’m not saying this out of jealousy.  I mean, this girl was freaking beautiful.  How am I supposed to reel in a classy lad when I have a genetically impossible broad traveling with me wherever I go?  Did I mention she has a heart of gold?  Yeah, no way I could compete with that.

4.  I liked people out of my league.

I tried telling Leo DiCaps it would work between us.  But I guess when you aim that high in the relationship department, there is nothing to expect but failure, defeat, and disappointment.

5.  I don’t understand social cues.

I don’t know why you invited me to prom with you, but I can sure as hell assume that it’s not because you wanted to hook up with me.

6.  I drove a Ford Taurus.

Try picking up a dude while you’re rolling through the parking lot in this.

Exhibit C.

Exhibit B.

7.  I am a terrible looking eater.

No one wants to take out the girl that not only immediately tucks her napkin into her shirt to create a makeshift bib, but one that looks like she wanted to wear the spaghetti sauce after she was done eating despite her napkin neck protector.

8.  I’m not good at feelings.

See here.

9.  I was fat.

I had cankles when I came back from studying abroad.  Guys couldn’t tell where my boobs ended and my stomach began.

Exhibit C.

Exhibit C.

10.  Everyone thought I was a prude.

People assumed I didn’t hook up with anyone, so why should they try?  Nothing worse for a guy than putting in all this effort with a girl and getting denied multiple times after sexual advances.

Bonus:  I eventually figured all these things out and obtained me a high quality, grade A piece of man meat.  Even though my face still rests pretty bitchy, I guess figuring out social cues was a step in the right direction.  And he’s apparently really into the Ford Taurus VW Jetta.