Are you ever in the midst of a battle of words and you just don’t know what to say?
Do you often find yourself searching your brain for the best insult, yet the only rebuttal you use is either “Your mom” or “That’s what she said?”
Well, my friend, you are in luck! Because not only should everyone be well read in the game of insults, everyone should also be well read in The Game of Thrones!
Seriously, those books are fire flames, and Jon Snow is my literary husband and trueborn soulmate. He just doesn’t know it yet, because he’s not real or on the same continent as me.
WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS BUT I DON’T GIVE A SHIT CAUSE I’VE READ THE BOOKS AND AM CLEARLY A SUPERIOR BEING.
Here is how to insult people, Game of Thrones style:
- Go back to your home on The Eyrie!
- You’re so ugly, you look in the mirror and see Tyrion’s face.
- You’re so poor, you don’t even have an account at the Iron Bank of Braavos.
- You breastfed until you were eleven!
- If I could throw you out a moon door, I would.
- You’re so nasty that if you were a warg, all you could turn into was a piece of shit.
- Your best friend is Moon Boy, you peasant.
- I hate you so much, I would get the Tyrells to poison you.
- You’re so ugly, Theon Greyjoy wouldn’t even take you for a salt wife.
- You’re not even trueborn, bastard.
- I’ll Ned Stark your ass.
- Your sister is more of a man than you.
- Varys has more sex than you.
- I hope you have a red wedding.
- The Starks have better luck than you.
- You couldn’t hire a sellsword for a trial by combat.
- I would marry you to Joffrey Baratheon if I could.
- Melisandre would burn you at the stake.
- Your face is uglier than the Hound’s.
- You have sex with your sister.
- Sansa Stark could beat you in a fight.
- Your parents are blood relatives.
- You fight with a wooden sword.
- Hodor has a better vocabulary than you.
- You’re as handy as Jaime Lannister.
- Slaves don’t even listen to you.
- You’re more in the closet than Loras Tyrell.
- I hope dragons fry all your livestock to a crisp.
- Unsullied have bigger penises that you.
- No one would pay ransom for you.
- You’re so worthless, the Night’s Watch wouldn’t even take you.
- Samwell Tarley can run faster than you.
- Aemon Targaryen has better eyesight than you.
- Your teeth are so big, a Dothraki wouldn’t even ride you.
- You’re so deep in the friend zone, Jorah Mormont feels bad for you.
- You’re so dumb, they should cut your tongue out so you can’t speak.
- You’re as hard as Theon Greyjoy.
- You know less than Jon Snow.
Special thanks to Bryan (@BesusHChrist) and Matt (@mmang0), both of whom feverishly fired insults at me to fatten up my list.