Happy Independence Day, America!

Here are some lies you can tell to all your friends today while you’re BBQing and drinking and being merry:

• I’m not drunk.
• This burger isn’t charcoaled to death.
• I like your mother.
• You look great in that dress.
• No, I don’t mind driving.
• I love traffic.
• It’s a great day to go for a run.
• Sure, I’d love to stop drinking.
• A house without air conditioning is completely acceptable.
• I don’t need any coffee, I’ll just wake up naturally.
• I love wearing shoes that are a little too small.
• You’re right, I don’t want to eat fourteen hot dogs today.
• Fireworks are dumb.
• I can name all of the presidents of the United States.
• It’s totally cool that you wore non-patriotic colors to this party.
• Parades are awesome.
• If you asked me which square state was Kansas, I could tell you.
• I love that there are small children at this adult gathering.
• Could you please put your baby closer to my ear and let him scream in it?
• Yes, I would love to babysit.
• Sometimes, I could count my caloric intake and not be upset about it.
• No thanks, I don’t want another beer.
• I’d love to give you my sunglasses since you were too aloof to remember yours.
• Those pants don’t make you look fat.
• I love my wife.
• I love my husband.
• I love my children.
• I love politics.
• I hate my dog.
• I wish I had less money.
• Vacations are stupid, let’s all just work forever.
• Hold on, I am overjoyed to answer this work email on a national holiday.
• No, I didn’t forget to put on sunscreen, my skin just tends to run a little red.
• I understand what the fourth of July means to America, and it’s not about beer and bbqs.
• I have a very sound understanding of European geography.
• I could name all fifty states and capitols.
• Everyone can count to ten in spanish.
• I broke 1000 on my SATs.
• Luckily, I got into the college I wanted.
• My friends don’t think I’m a jackass.
• I’m really good looking.
• People don’t know it, but I’m exactly where I want to be in life.
• I wish my grandparents would come and lecture me on what independence really means.

Happy Fourth! Hope you don’t actually tell any lies, but have a great time with friends and family!!