Fourth of Ju-LIES.

Happy Independence Day, America!

Here are some lies you can tell to all your friends today while you’re BBQing and drinking and being merry:

  • I’m not drunk.
  • This burger isn’t charcoaled to death.
  • I like your mother.
  • You look great in that dress.
  • No, I don’t mind driving.
  • I love traffic.
  • It’s a great day to go for a run.
  • Sure, I’d love to stop drinking.
  • A house without air conditioning is completely acceptable.
  • I don’t need any coffee, I’ll just wake up naturally.
  • I love wearing shoes that are a little too small.
  • You’re right, I don’t want to eat fourteen hot dogs today.
  • Fireworks are dumb.
  • I can name all of the presidents of the United States.
  • It’s totally cool that you wore non-patriotic colors to this party.
  • Parades are awesome.
  • If you asked me which square state was Kansas, I could tell you.
  • I love that there are small children at this adult gathering.
  • Could you please put your baby closer to my ear and let him scream in it?
  • Yes, I would love to babysit.
  • Sometimes, I could count my caloric intake and not be upset about it.
  • No thanks, I don’t want another beer.
  • I’d love to give you my sunglasses since you were too aloof to remember yours.
  • Those pants don’t make you look fat.
  • I love my wife.
  • I love my husband.
  • I love my children.
  • I love politics.
  • I hate my dog.
  • I wish I had less money.
  • Vacations are stupid, let’s all just work forever.
  • Hold on, I am overjoyed to answer this work email on a national holiday.
  • No, I didn’t forget to put on sunscreen, my skin just tends to run a little red.
  • I understand what the fourth of July means to America, and it’s not about beer and bbqs.
  • I have a very sound understanding of European geography.
  • I could name all fifty states and capitols.
  • Everyone can count to ten in spanish.
  • I broke 1000 on my SATs.
  • Luckily, I got into the college I wanted.
  • My friends don’t think I’m a jackass.
  • I’m really good looking.
  • People don’t know it, but I’m exactly where I want to be in life.
  • I wish my grandparents would come and lecture me on what independence really means.

Happy Fourth! Hope you don’t actually tell any lies, but have a great time with friends and family!!

10 thoughts on “Fourth of Ju-LIES.

  1. Haha – love this! I was wondering about where people stand on your last bullet point earlier actually. As an outsider looking in, everyone always appears so patriotic about the importance of 4th July! 🙂

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