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Five Things You Don’t Know About Pretty Little Liars

It’s not shocking that I walk through life on a daily basis asking questions like, “Wait, what’s going on?” and “How did that happen?”

But those questions demonstrating my ineptitude at paying attention to the finer things in life need to stop once I plop myself down on the couch to watch some prime time television.  That’s why I watch the news… sometimes. I need answers to all of life’s questions and the television is CLEARLY the only thing that will give those to me.

YOU HEARD ME. Not the internet. Not books. Not a higher education or a general interest in the world around me. The television will give me all the answers, I tell you!

Anyways, I was perusing the internet today (what else is new?) and I came across this article on Yahoo, and immediately wanted to stand up on my rolly chair screaming cats and dogs to the high heavens.

There's definitely more than five...

Click image for link to article.

Five things you don’t know about Pretty Little Liars? FIVE? JUST FIVE?

I can list off five things after one episode I don’t know, let alone the entire series.  It’s the LOST-esque television show of ABC Family, where you never really know what’s going on, but you keep watching hoping you’ll get answers.  For me, after season three when the girls were still being chased by some looney that was actually their ex-best friend who escaped from a mental institution, I somehow decided my brain was not at the mental capacity to deal with so many unanswered questions.

I can go listen to a lecture on Physics if I’m interested in being confused.

And really, where are the police? What is going on with law enforcement in these shows? I’m so perplexed I can’t even finish my wine. And that’s saying something.

Here are five things I don’t know about Pretty Little Liars:

1. How old are they?

The show is in it’s fifth season, and these girls are still in high school.  Plus, we all know how I looked when I was a teenager, and not to say I was the standard for all things grace and elegant, but I sure as hell wasn’t walking around campus in four inch heels and prom make up, nor did I have the ability to wake up early enough to pull off this hairstyle for just one day.

what is going on here?

what is going on here?

2. Where are their parents?

Seriously, I couldn’t even breathe wrong in highschool without my mom metaphorically placing a tracking device on my diaphragm. These girls are out in heels galavanting the night away chasing stalkers and murderers. Don’t get me started on sleepovers.  My mom had to call the mother, father, neighbor, and local bank teller making sure I was where I said I was at night.  One time she had a hunch my friend Megan and I were doing something sketchy, so her and Megan’s mother, unacquainted and newly in cahoots, met up, drove around my hometown under the cover of darkness and tried to find and bust-up parties to get us caught. RUTHLESS.

Do these look like two girls who would disobey parental authority?

Do these look like two girls who would disobey parental authority?

3. When do they sleep?

I need a solid eight to ten hours of snooze time a night or else I am not a pleasant person.  Ask my boyfriend; he doesn’t even call me after 9pm because he knows I’m either in bed with no pants on watching and solo-participating in Family Feud or I’m already fast asleep.  Either way he knows not to bother me. These girls don’t even get started until after 9pm. And hey, I’m a few standard deviations off from the normal twenty-five year old when it comes to sleep time, but I have to believe that these girls are just the slightest bit tired in math class after an all-night manhunt that may or may not have resulted in finding a dead body.  But hey, I guess that’s why they’re such good actors? Just putting a brave face on in the midst of adversity.

WE'RE GONNA PLAY, STEVE!

WE’RE GONNA PLAY, STEVE!

4. What is going on?

Really, this is the biggest question I have. What on God’s green earth is going on during this show? Are they safe? Are they not? When do they find out who A is? What is A? Do people always have different phones every month? Why is it always night time, fall, and raining? Do they really enjoy wearing heels when they run? Shouldn’t they be wearing running shoes in the midst of a near-death chase? I NEED ANSWERS.

5. Are dead/missing/undead teenagers in small towns not a really big deal?

Seriously. I lose a sock and make a bigger deal than this town does over a missing person. Definitely not putting Rosewood on my list of places I’d like to settle own and have a family. It would be a convenient place to go if I wanted to find creepy dolls though, they seem to have shops on shops on shops of weird Halloween-y stuff.  So actually, no, I won’t be going there. Sorry Porcelain, you ain’t my cup of tea.

Yeah, no thanks, pal!

Yeah, no thanks, pal!

What television shows do you watch that are confusing? Do you give up on them?

I’m Not Going To Tell You How To Live Your Life, But I Will Tell You How To Make It Better.

Because I am extremely qualified to do so. Just look at my life, it’s marvelous!

And like most of my advice posts, this one is going to be heavily decorated in snacks. Because I don’t care what they say about emotional eating, it works, it helps, and it’s wonderful.

Calories you eat when you’re upset don’t count. Ask all the scientists I’ve paid off, they are forced to agree with me.

While my mother says the best way to relieve stress is to exercise, I beg to differ.  I think the best way to relieve stress is to take off your pants, get a nice, big bowl of something society would consider gluttonous, and go to town. I mean really, go to town on that bitch.

I don’t want you to think my life is great. I know that my perfectly filtered instagram photos and cleverly crafted tweets make it seem like I have it all together. In reality, I’m just waiting to go home, take my pants off, and dive nose deep into a jar of crunchy peanut butter using a reeses cup as a spoon.

Because no one really likes working. If you do, you’re lying. And if you’re not lying, you’re still in college. And if you’re still in college, you’re oblivious to the reality of obtaining your “dream job.”

And now, I present to you my list of snacks for all sorts of shitty occasions:

banana

frozen bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate

Fighting With Your Best Friend/Frenemy: There’s no way to evade getting into stupid fights with your friends. If it’s one of those really bad fights where you’re like, totally done with that betch, you’re going to want to serve yourself a big heaping plate of bananas smothered in peanut butter and chocolate sauce.  If you’re like every other female on the planet, you’ll spend your night spitefully wishing your ex-bestie is locked in her room wearing men’s sweats stuffing her face with Pringles and Pop-Tarts. But you’re going to come out on top, because while you’re not immune to eating your feelings, you’re going to make sure you don’t look like you got pregnant with Ben and Jerry’s baby over the weekend. It’s okay, because it’s fruit.

tequila

Break-Ups: You thought he was the one. But tragedy struck and now you’re left alone. What better way what to channel the horrors of a break up than by going shot for shot with the bartender man on East Ave. The night will parallel your relationship to the point where you’ll actually be happy you’re single. For instance, it will totally start out awkward, but after a few shots you’ll feel great and become more and more comfortable with each other.  Inevitably it will end in some bad decisions, and you’ll wake up in the morning swearing you never want to do it again so you can avoid feeling like this. You’ll learn some valuable lessons though, like never drink tequila ever in life and bartenders don’t make good boyfriends.

apples

apple sandwiches with chocolate chips, peanut butter, and caramel sauce

Going Back to School: Nothing says “I’m finding myself” like abruptly quitting your job and going back to school.  In the event that you may be entering this stage of life, there’s no better snack to help suppress those feelings of inadequacy than a good old fashioned sandwich. Relive your childhood memories wondering what you’ll be when you grow up and immediately come back down to earth when you hurt your jaw by chewing on a frozen chocolate chip. Life should be easy at this point, but it’s still pretty messy and that’s where the caramel comes in. Don’t forget a napkin, you’ll need it to clean up all those broken dreams littering your floor.

birthday cake oreos

birthday cake oreos

Getting Older: Every year there is one day in particular that forces you to remember you’re not as young as you once were. Whether it be a bad hip at twenty-five or your shocking inability to figure out simple social cues when you turn thirty, you’ll feel just fine when you plow through a sleeve of birthday cake flavored oreos. Because now that you’re getting older, people are going to expect you to start sagging in places that didn’t sag when you were eighteen, may as well give them something to work with. Am I right?

sangria

sangria

Quitting Your Job/Getting Fired: There’s not really a drink that says “I’m moving on with dignity” quite like Sangria. Whether you were involuntarily terminated from your job, or you chose to leave, pour yourself a big ol’ glass of wine with fruit inside and toast to some new beginnings. The wine will represent you, just totally getting better with age, but still trying to meander your way through those sour, fermented fruit chunks we call our inability to focus on the task at hand, clouding our vision of the future.

smores

smores with reeses peanut butter cups

Negative Bank Account Balance: All the times your mom begged you to save your allowance rather than spend it on the latest version of Dream Phone are all coming back to slap you in the face because you literally have no money. Without your parents’ support to pull you out of that financial black hole, take some time to indulge in a nice s’more. Because just like money, you’ll always want more, you’re just not really sure if you want to take the time, effort, and gather the supplies necessary to achieve your results. I mean credit card debt is totally in, right?

SIDE NOTE: Yes, these are, in fact, all things that I’ve eaten at one point or another because I suck at life a lot.

***

Are you an emotional eater? What do you eat when you’re having a bad day?

The ABC’s of Working In An Office

BangHead

I need this. ASAP.

You know, because since you’re not in school anymore, and I need to show you that the alphabet is still relevant.

Or something like that.

And since everyone will inevitably take the leap from sheer joy in college to utter madness in corporate life, I’ve taken the time to write down twenty-six letter-correlating words relating to working in an office.

If you don’t work in an office, feel free to take the this time to read some of my other posts that may be more relatable, email me about all of your problems, or maybe figure out a way to build me a teleport so I can finally get myself to the Amalfi Coast.

Here are the ABC’S of Working In An Office:

A – Awkward Small Talk. Get used to talking about the weather, things in your general area, or the G version of your weekend.

B – Bitching. Clients suck. Accounts suck. Creative people suck. Deadlines suck. Bosses suck. Mondays suck. Working sucks.  

C – Caffeine. Pick your poison, coffee, soda, tea, or tequila. Whatever it is, make some room for a full-fledged addiction, headaches galore that only some ground up Colombian beans can fix. Oh, and if you kill it, you fill it. Don’t be a dick.

D – Dress Code. From suits and ties to jeans and button ups, make sure you follow the rules.

E – Email. Don’t use a silly font. Be basic, bitch.

F – Free Stuff. Client gifts are the best. Who doesn’t love a free tray of cookies or an endless supply of hot pink camo lanyards?

G – GChat. It’s your friend. It’s your family. It’s your life.

H – Happy Hour. And the reason you get up every morning to make it until Friday. It’s the greatest time of the week and a final release into the wild weekend.

I – Internet. No explanation needed.

J – Jealousy. You will have so much hatred for someone with a better lunch than you.

K – Kitchen. Don’t touch my food. Label everything or don’t expect it to be waiting for you.

L – Lunch. Your internal clock will be set, and then it will be messed up. You’ll either eat at 12pm, or you won’t eat at all.

M – Mugs. And you’re going to be territorial over them, too.  Once you find a mug that perfectly holds all your hot beverages, place an imaginary stamp on it and let your coworkers know that it is no longer open for the beverage business, that shit is yours.

N – New Hires. Be nice, being the new kid is scary. And it doesn’t get easier when you’re an adult.

O – Open Space. Didn’t think you were a loud talker? Think you are sneaky with how many times a day you check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and GChat? Think again, open space is the new thing, there are no walls, and there is nowhere for you to hide.

P – Productivity. Make sure you get your shit done and stuff.

Q – Quiet. Bring headphones. Not everyone likes to listen to Hip Hop classics at 9am on a Wednesday. Unless they do, then you should never leave that office environment.

R – Relationships. A good rule of thumb: Professional = Great Idea. Platonic = Good Idea. Romantic = Extremely/Horribly/Terribly Bad Idea.

S – Sick Days. Quote, unquote.

T – Teams. The people you work with. Hopefully you like them. Either way, you’re stuck with them. #GroupProjectsDontEndInCollege

U – Unproductive. And the reason that I wrote this blog. Be prepared for finding any and all excuses to avoid doing actual work, you never knew you needed to run to Starbucks more than three times in a day.

V – Vacation. Don’t you dare bother me with work emails.

W – Work Hard, Play Hard. A good motto. Don’t forget to have fun. Life is short.

X – This letter is stupid.

Y – Yawns. The two-o’clock feeling is real. Siestas and nap time is not.

Z – Zen. When you leave the office.

 

 

 

 

How To Determine If You’re Actually An Old Person

Lookin' good, girlfran!

Lookin’ good, girlfran!

If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you may be an old person.

So break out those typewriters, get some chalk and a slate, and let’s talk all talk about all the differences from “when we were your age.”

We’re taking a mental tally and determining if you should be considered a senior citizen and grab yourself a discounted movie ticket!

 You may be an old person if:

  • Your idea of risky behavior is leaving the free square open in a game of bingo
  • Your bedtime is before the nightly news
  • Your concept of dinnertime coincides with the phrase “early bird special”
  • You frequently style your hair with plastic rollers
  • You prefer shoes that are comfortable rather than fashionable
  • You only look at movie times prior to noon
  • You are visually impaired
  • You drive an oversized sedan at a very low speed
  • You wear sunglasses that cover three sides of your face
  • Leftovers is your favorite meal
  • You find yourself using everyday items as a crutch to get you to and from locations
  • You often utilize office equipment (rolly chairs) as transportation devices in order to subsidize your desire to own a motorized scooter
  • The first thing you order at a diner is a bran muffin with extra raisins
  • You hate rap music
  • You substitute common curse words with child-friendly versions
  • You purchase Activia yogurt
  • Your idea of Halloween candy is a cough drop or a Werther’s butterscotch toffee
  • Prunes are a regular part of your dietary routine
  • You constantly find yourself reminiscing on times of when you were someone’s age
  • You find yourself replacing social activities with today’s crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • You are easily angered and perplexed by the internet
  • You find yourself using any excuse to take photos with a physical camera
  • You use the term “rest your eyes” instead of “taking a long ass nap”
  • Your cell phone is not smart
  • You have a coin collection that extends from the spare change in your wallet
  • You live in Florida
  • You live on a golf course
  • You have high cholesterol
  • You’re in a book club that doesn’t read books
  • You misplace everyday objects like your glasses or your pants
  • You have dentures or some sort of teeth protector
  • You opt to pay with a check and don’t understand why people are angry or confused about it
  • You find yourself outfitted in sweaters and slacks when it’s any temperature below 72
  • You yell at children to get off your lawn
  • You’re dead

Or you may just be me and be twenty-five and love wine so much that you’d rather sit at home alone and pantless on a Friday night watching Netflix than go out and be social.

What is your favorite old person stereotype?

This Weekend, I Kicked Adversity Square In The Face.

You know, because adversity has a face, and it’s most definitely square.

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and if you’re me, you grab a glass of wine and make some bangin’ sangria.

But sometimes, life hands you presents neatly wrapped with pretty packaging and bows on top.  You know, like the ones you’re thinking about the entire time your grandmother is talking about pickling olives or how she’s trying a new foot cream.

So innocent.

So innocent.

That’s how I feel when I’m at work and I know there’s a big, fat bottle of wine waiting for me when I get home.

Among other things, like food and water, I think that wine is a necessary part of my diet.  It’s just that one little slice (okay, it’s like two slices, and they’re pretty big) that makes up the pizza of sanity I need while I’m here on earth.

I was minding my own business, ready to indulge in Pinot Noir bliss, when disaster struck.

Using my mustache wine opener, because I’m trendy as hell, I attempted to open the bottle.  Right when I’m about to remove the cork, the mustache part of the corkscrew popped off.

And suddenly, I was left with this obstacle to overcome.

#HELP

#HELP

True to form, I am not one to step away from a challenge.

First I tried using my sheer, brute strength to open the bottle, but my fingers can’t grip tight enough, and frankly, I’m weaker than a newborn baby, so my efforts failed.

I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Meg, why don’t you just give up and not drink the wine tonight?  Maybe have a glass of ice water and go to bed?”

And to that I say, “Shame on you.”  I never leave the scene of a crime.

CHA-CHING.

CHA-CHING.

I struggled with my decision to continue my attempt at opening the Elusive Yellowtail until I realized that I had pliers and a brain.

I took the pliers, and reversed the corkscrew out of the bottle.

Instead of going to bed by 830pm, I was up a little longer.  But what I learned through this entire ordeal, is that if you want something, you may just have to use the toolset your father gave you for Christmas that you bitched about because it was a manly gift and you’re a woman who would prefer to not be lumped into group gifts just because you have three brothers.

So, thank you, Father.  Thank you for that majestic tool set.  I will never complain again.  (Don’t quote me on that.)

Cheers.

 

The Common White Girl’s Thoughts On Driving

When I get in my car, it is for a reason.

I have places to be.  Meetings to make.  People to see.  Errands to run.  Songs to sing at the top of my lungs to relieve my stress.

I have important tasks that need attending, and everyone else on the road should know this.

There is a code of excellence I expect my fellow road companions to adhere to, and frankly, I just don’t know if everyone knows what they are.

I am a common white girl, and I am the most important person on the road.

When I get into my Volkswagen Jetta, I immediately plug in my ipod, put on my favorite Early 2000’s Pop Hits station, and make sure I have the proper song vibes to truly coast to my destination in nostalgic style.

While waiting at a traffic light, if it happens to turn green before I notice, please refrain from honking. I am most likely drafting an extremely urgent text message containing vital information like: what kind of sushi rolls are my favorite, if I prefer red or white wine, how I’m doing on my summer diet.

Or I am impatiently staring into the distance after regrettedly rereading the eighty messages I sent to my boyfriend that he still hasn’t respond to yet.

While en route, I may forget to put on a blinker or two when I’m switching lanes. Please allow extra room for this. I will unknowingly enter your lane and claim it as my own, and get extremely upset and flustered if you so much as give me an angry glance.

I am fragile, and so is this car my father bought for me.

If it looks like I am not paying attention to the drivers on either side of my vehicle, it is because my sunglasses are too big and cover too much of my face.  I simply cannot be held responsible for my peripheral vision when I have dark brown bugeye lenses that are shielding my precious pupils from the sun’s harmful glares.

When I drive, I follow the mantra set forth by none other than the Goddess of Country music, Carrie Underwood.  I don’t wear seatbelts, I let Jesus take the wheel.

Sidenote: I will also dig my key into the side of anyone’s pretty, little, souped up, four wheel drive, and then promptly carve my name into the leather seats.  After, I’ll take a Louisville Slugger to both of the headlights, and slash holes in all four tires.  So don’t even think about cheating on me.

And yes, sometimes I will hit things.  It’s not my fault.  I can’t see over my steering wheel, and even if I could, I can’t be held accountable for that mailbox post taking growth hormones and sprouting overnight, or that curb that miraculously appeared out of nowhere.  I hope you understand.

Yeah.  I’ll write you a check.

Realistically, I hit something because I was stuffing my face with food that I  inevitably “forgot” I ate, so those calories don’t even count.  That’s right, food consumed in the car does not count towards any dietary caloric restrictions.  And if it doesn’t count, it never happened, just like that mailbox I hit.

Either that, or I was looking out the window and saw a gorgeous patch of grass that needed to be Instagrammed.  People must know what I am doing at all hours of the day, or else they will think I live a boring life completely devoid of fun, filters, and friends.

And we can’t have that, now can we?

So, excuse me while I completely cut you off, forget to go on green, or run over your lawn.  I am a common white girl, and I am the most important person on the road. 

 

Fourth of Ju-LIES.

Happy Independence Day, America!

Here are some lies you can tell to all your friends today while you’re BBQing and drinking and being merry:

  • I’m not drunk.
  • This burger isn’t charcoaled to death.
  • I like your mother.
  • You look great in that dress.
  • No, I don’t mind driving.
  • I love traffic.
  • It’s a great day to go for a run.
  • Sure, I’d love to stop drinking.
  • A house without air conditioning is completely acceptable.
  • I don’t need any coffee, I’ll just wake up naturally.
  • I love wearing shoes that are a little too small.
  • You’re right, I don’t want to eat fourteen hot dogs today.
  • Fireworks are dumb.
  • I can name all of the presidents of the United States.
  • It’s totally cool that you wore non-patriotic colors to this party.
  • Parades are awesome.
  • If you asked me which square state was Kansas, I could tell you.
  • I love that there are small children at this adult gathering.
  • Could you please put your baby closer to my ear and let him scream in it?
  • Yes, I would love to babysit.
  • Sometimes, I could count my caloric intake and not be upset about it.
  • No thanks, I don’t want another beer.
  • I’d love to give you my sunglasses since you were too aloof to remember yours.
  • Those pants don’t make you look fat.
  • I love my wife.
  • I love my husband.
  • I love my children.
  • I love politics.
  • I hate my dog.
  • I wish I had less money.
  • Vacations are stupid, let’s all just work forever.
  • Hold on, I am overjoyed to answer this work email on a national holiday.
  • No, I didn’t forget to put on sunscreen, my skin just tends to run a little red.
  • I understand what the fourth of July means to America, and it’s not about beer and bbqs.
  • I have a very sound understanding of European geography.
  • I could name all fifty states and capitols.
  • Everyone can count to ten in spanish.
  • I broke 1000 on my SATs.
  • Luckily, I got into the college I wanted.
  • My friends don’t think I’m a jackass.
  • I’m really good looking.
  • People don’t know it, but I’m exactly where I want to be in life.
  • I wish my grandparents would come and lecture me on what independence really means.

Happy Fourth! Hope you don’t actually tell any lies, but have a great time with friends and family!!

The Ten Best Things People Googled To Get To This Blog

Google is a weird place.  So are brains.  Here are the ten best things people have googled that led them to this blog:

1. When someone eats all my food

I’ve been trying to figure this out my entire life.  Google can’t help you buddy, having a stomach that is a bottomless pit is a gift and a burden, you just gotta deal with it and go for that second family size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.  Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

2. Chipotle sucks

This makes sense, seeing as we were at war not too long ago.  But I have since pledged my allegiance to the burrito men of Chipotle and have safely secured my spot back on the wagon of love.  Now, I must go get me a burrito bowl, I’M HUNGRY.

3. Deformed toes

Probably could have used google image search for this one.  I am also extremely sorry for your deformity, I can relate.  I have one too.

4. “Nice goggles, eh?”

Yes, they are very nice.  I got them on sale.

5. Christina Aguilera is half white half what?

It doesn’t matter.  She’s still waiting on when her reflection will show who she is inside.  #Mulan

6. But what’s different about Wednesday?

I’ll tell you what’s different, the goddamn spelling.  Ever try teaching a kid how to spell Wednesday and also explain why there is a phantom N just chillin’ in the middle of the word?  It doesn’t make sense.  You suck, Wednesday.

7. Justin Timberlake frosted tips

So much yes.  You don’t need google for this one, here you go:

drool.

drool.

 

8. 3rd grade girls playing

I don’t want to know who googled this or what the purpose was.  I’m terrified.

9. Justin Beiber & Selena

Power couple. Scorned lovers.  Epic romance.  Horrible tattoos.  I’m also still trying to figure out what it is exactly that Selena Gomez does.

10. Girlfriend not texting back

You got bigger fish to fry if you’re asking google why she won’t text you back.  Starting with a real human being would be my suggestion, but hey, it worked in that movie, Her, it could work for you.

 

What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever googled?

How To Determine If You’re Lazy

If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may be lazy.

If you answer yes to all of these questions, you may be my twin, so call me.  We can sit on the couch and try and send each other telepathic notes because we’re too lazy to speak.

10-things-you-can-t-change-about-him-no-matter-how-hard-you-try-1494275974-jul-10-2012-600x335

my man!

You might be lazy if…

  • You watch the commercials because the remote is on the table
  • You don’t brush your teeth because you just left the bathroom and don’t want to go back.
  • You eat any combination of breakfast/lunch/dinner/dessert/snacks/drinks for meals because you have not gone grocery shopping in a month.
  • You go rogue at the grocery store because you left your list in your car.
  • You go up and down every aisle in the grocery store because you did bring your list with you, it’s just at the bottomless pit that is your purse.
  • You imagine working out in your head, and then convince yourself that you actually did it.
  • You don’t want to answer a text message because it’s a lot of effort to type.
  • You stay in on the weekends because hanging out in no pants is a lot easier than getting dolled up.
  • You choose to wear your glasses because putting contacts in your eyeballs means then applying make up.
  • You don’t make your bed, you just pull your comforter up to the top in order to cover the sheets.
  • You don’t even pull up your comforter.
  • You wear a sports bra because you slept in it and didn’t want to change.
  • You don’t even wear a bra.
  • You avoid doing laundry because it means getting up.
  • You think showering is a chore rather than a necessity.
  • You play the neutral game in your car because you don’t fill up your gas tank.
  • You roll 10 feet over to the garbage can because your chair has wheels.
  • You don’t make food on the weekends because delivery comes to you.
  • You’d rather watch a movie because it cuts down the amount of time you’ll have to use the remote.
  • You don’t exercise.
  • You can’t finish simple tasks.
  • You call other people while you’re in your house to bring you things two rooms away.
  • You email you mom asking about your insurance information, even though you have a card in your wallet.
  • You use dry shampoo and perfume before you walk out the door and then tell your friends you were late because you were showering.
  • You consider exercise walking to the kitchen and back.
  • You clean your room by putting things in piles and then hiding them under things.
  • You put small bags of garbage into bigger garbage bags instead of throwing them in the dumpster.
  • You see how many times you can get away with wearing the same shirt/pants combination before someone questions your hygiene.
  • You would rather take a nap than deal with the fact that you haven’t eaten in four hours.
  • You use paper plates because all the clean ones are in the dishwasher.
  • You use your hands as a plate because you have no paper plates because you used them all due to the clean ones being in the dishwasher.
  • You go to Costco specifically to get lunch from all the free samples.
  • You didn’t finish this list because you fell asleep.
  • You didn’t finish this list because you’re me and didn’t want to think of any more scenarios.

 

Mascot’s Most Eligible Bachelors: Cap’n Crunch

Snow White got her Prince Charming.  Don’t these down to earth dudes deserve a shot at love?

Each week, I’ll be profiling some of the world’s most suitable men.  You’ll get the good, the bad, and the ugly on why these guys haven’t been able to hold down a steady girlfriend.

Introducing: Mascot’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

Nautical Headshot!

Nautical Headshot!

Name: Horatio Magellan Crunch, AKA: Cap’n Crunch

Born: 1963, Crunch Island, Sea of Milk; owns lavish beachfront vacation home at Mount Crunchmore

Height: Unknown

Occupation: Captain of the S.S. Guppy

Known Enemies: Jean LaFoote

Hobbies: Sailing the open seas

About the Cap’n: Horatio is not your average guy, in fact, he’s pretty darn unique.  While most men hold a typical 9-5 job in order to pay the bills, he fantasizes about exploring new lands and setting sail to tropical destinations.

He is on currently the quest to find his first mate.  And would love an able bodied seawoman who does not abandon ship due to seasickness, as they will be living aboard the S.S. Guppy while they traverse the globe in search of new ingredients for their cereal.

On his quest for love, Horatio has run into several women who just couldn’t hold his interests.  He’s ready for love, and wants to find the anchor to his boat and the wind to his sails.

A perfect date includes a tour of the S.S. Guppy, sailing into the sunset and bonding over a bowl of cereal in the Crow’s Nest. As far as dates go, he’s not too hard to please.  He’s willing to dote on his partner and has been known to fly his significant other to his vacation home on Mt. Crunchmore.

The downfall is that he will need a woman who is either committed to waiting for him to return home, or a born sea detective, as he has been lost at sea for twenty-years.