An Open Letter To My Alma Mater,


I hope this letter does not fall on deaf ears.

But apparently, each time I tell you to remove my name off your list, nobody seems to listen.

So here we go.

I’d like to thank you for your recent telephone inquiry on whether or not I would be interested in donating any denomination of money to my former institution of higher education.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to contribute this time around, or any time in the near future.

I get it; higher education is more than just monetary value.

Well, except when the price tag for tuition is more than three arms, six legs, your unborn child, and childhood pet.  Couple that with the fact that most students will be paying off the loans taken out, just to attend said university, until they are old enough to run for president, and then higher education is about the monetary value.

Please forgive me if this sounds rather short.  I don’t mean to be rude.  I am currently stressed about paying my rent, budgeting for groceries, and figuring out how to have an active social life on a miniscule salary.

I simply cannot commit to giving my money at this time.

I can, however, provide you with multiple instances over the course of my stay that conclusively clarify my budgetary commitment to the institution that taught me so much more than how to shotgun a beer in ten seconds or that I have a serious issues with self-control around all-you-can-eat buffets.

For four years, I donated to this university when I purchased countless supportive sporting event tickets.  When concerts or special events came to campus, I paid to attend.

Freshman year my RA decided my floor-to-ceiling denim blackout curtains were not only atrocious, but a fire hazard; and instead of admitting I was fined for fashion faux pas, I considered it a mandatory donation.

Every time I walked into the school store to buy a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, or a hat to represent school spirit,  I donated and subsequently advertised.  Because, in case I didn’t mention, I’m a local celebrity, and what I wear makes mad buzz ripples around the hometown circuits.

When I finally completed all my degree requirements, I donated when I bought my cap and gown, and again when I wanted copies of my transcripts.  I paid to wear a black, cloth trash bag.

I just simply cannot commit to giving any more of my money at this time.

Maybe when I am older, I’ll have finished paying off my loans, and established myself in my career. Maybe I will have more of a disposable income to allocate such funds towards the school that did not really do much to help me get a job upon graduation.

Or maybe I’ll just be saving up to put my kids through school.

All so you can call them after graduation and ask if they’d like to donate any of their money to the institution that will give them the brightest future and the most hope.

PS – I’m sorry I hung up on you after your introductory sentence.  That was rude and I am sorry.


Anyone Who Has Ever Graduated Or Attempted To Graduate College But Is Too Poor To Give Back Or Too Cynical To Care



The Ten Best Things People Googled To Get To This Blog

Google is a weird place.  So are brains.  Here are the ten best things people have googled that led them to this blog:

1. When someone eats all my food

I’ve been trying to figure this out my entire life.  Google can’t help you buddy, having a stomach that is a bottomless pit is a gift and a burden, you just gotta deal with it and go for that second family size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.  Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

2. Chipotle sucks

This makes sense, seeing as we were at war not too long ago.  But I have since pledged my allegiance to the burrito men of Chipotle and have safely secured my spot back on the wagon of love.  Now, I must go get me a burrito bowl, I’M HUNGRY.

3. Deformed toes

Probably could have used google image search for this one.  I am also extremely sorry for your deformity, I can relate.  I have one too.

4. “Nice goggles, eh?”

Yes, they are very nice.  I got them on sale.

5. Christina Aguilera is half white half what?

It doesn’t matter.  She’s still waiting on when her reflection will show who she is inside.  #Mulan

6. But what’s different about Wednesday?

I’ll tell you what’s different, the goddamn spelling.  Ever try teaching a kid how to spell Wednesday and also explain why there is a phantom N just chillin’ in the middle of the word?  It doesn’t make sense.  You suck, Wednesday.

7. Justin Timberlake frosted tips

So much yes.  You don’t need google for this one, here you go:




8. 3rd grade girls playing

I don’t want to know who googled this or what the purpose was.  I’m terrified.

9. Justin Beiber & Selena

Power couple. Scorned lovers.  Epic romance.  Horrible tattoos.  I’m also still trying to figure out what it is exactly that Selena Gomez does.

10. Girlfriend not texting back

You got bigger fish to fry if you’re asking google why she won’t text you back.  Starting with a real human being would be my suggestion, but hey, it worked in that movie, Her, it could work for you.


What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever googled?